OutingMyslef?

[OutingMyself]

Hi to everyone

I am SORRY but this is long, it is just I have so much to unload, so I hope at least some of you will be VERY patient with me. I thank you in advance.

 

It has been an incredible six months and so much turmoil in me I am really having such a hard time processing everything.

I think I have gone through more contrasting emotions in these months than in my whole life put together. I have been as happy and elated and also as confused and lonely as never before. I have cried more than I thought possible and yet it was not just pain and confusion, a lot was like a liberating cry, like finding a long lost friend.

It has all been so powerful – all these emotions, thoughts, ideas – that I really feel like I am on a never ending rollercoaster ride. I feel the need to process all that I am going through and feeling, but it is as if all is spinning so fast I just do not have time to catch my breath, let alone think things over and make sense of it all.

 

There are times, especially in the last month, where I start feeling like I am in control again. In those instances I feel like all is not only going to be OK, but that it will only be and get better. It is in those moments where I feel like I am finally whole again as I have allowed all of me to be part of who I am, sexual orientation included. And it feels good and liberating and it makes me cry because I am whole again.

I always felt like I never really belonged anywhere, but maybe it was just that once I had outgrown my tomboy childhood, I hid a part of me. I kept the part of me that has always been attracted to girls in a small dark corner within me and I ignored it. I denied it, I did not allow it and what it felt to be conscious in me. I disowned it, I disowned the part of me that would allow me to fall in love one day and be happy.

I just anesthetized all my feelings and just tried so hard to be with boys and then men. I tried so hard. In these months I have though so much about the past and have realized how ****ing hard I tried and never succeeding in falling in love with a boy. And how there were always , all along, the girls I liked…I made a list. It started when I was 12 or 13. I just never put the things together; I never allowed myself to admit that I liked them. I am astonished at how in denial I have been. I am shocked I could have been in such denial for so long and I keep asking myself how I could have done it to myself. How? How?

 

Last March marked a turning point for me. I dumped by boyfriend - a great guy I care so much about. He was really falling madly in love with me, and I could see it while I felt affection but nothing more and I just did not want to fool him and so I left him. Once I did, I just started to get real worried...I was 25 and of one thing I was sure had never fallen in love. And it scared me. Until then I was waiting for it to happen, but 25 seemed old. I mean for never having really liked someone? I seriously got worried… what was wrong with me??? And then I thought, maybe I am looking in the wrong direction. The idea scared me a lot, but it had been an idea that had popped in my mind twice before in the previous years. This time, though, I was so scared of living a loveless life that I promised myself to pursue anyone I would feel anything for, girl or boy. I was really scared and I did hope with all my heart that I would fall for a boy because the alternative just freaked me out. But, well, not even six months later I fell in love with M, a girl.

I guess that was just because I allowed that part of me I had hid, my orientation, to come out of that dark corner and make me follow my emotions. And WOW...for the first months I felt like I was in a different world...all the colours seemed brighter, all seemed more alive and I started to see the girls and women around me and in films and I was allowing myself to tell myself who I liked. It was like discovering women, it was like having had ice cream in front of me all my life, but never realizing that is what I love. And it was like seeing ice cream everywhere and it made me feel so alive and good. But after that initial explosion of feelings, I kind of was lost, especially since M. did not exactly pick me up an made me her girlfriend...

 

Now, she, my orientation, has come out and is free to roam around within me, but she is still much by herself. And the rest of me feels like she is both an old lost friend, but also someone I do not know too well and something I am not sure I know how to deal with and am not sure how she fits in with the rest of me.

And so there are times (sometimes within the same day) when I take a step back and look at all these past months and I feel like that is not me. That it is someone else’s’ life and that I am observing it. It feels like what people who have been in a trauma or are in shock describe - like when they feel out of their bodies looking, observing themselves. At times I feel like that. That is when I no longer know who the hell I am or what the hell I am doing. Now that I have set her free, I can no longer deny this part of me (especially when she makes me feel how I feel when I just see M), but I am not sure I am ready as of yet to embrace this whole me. I feel lost.

 

Anyone can relate? Any advice? Is this a normal phase of coming out to oneself? Am I coming out?? And does being intrigued only by girls and not guys make me a lesbian? Becasue, I think that is the biggest difference I feel with regards to the different sexes...girls intrigue me, and make me curious and I think that is what sparks my emotions while guys don't.

 

And then there is the whole M. thing...and the fact that I have no idea if she is into girls, that this week I am quitting my job and so we no longer will be colleagues and so, well, now I can hit on her, declare myself,but I really do not know how to do it. I am so afraid to be crushed and I am so vulnerable now, because it is all so new, and because I like her so very very very much. Advice?

 

Thanks for any input and thanks for taking the time reading this.

[Lykke 32]

Hi to everyone

 

It has been an incredible six months and so much turmoil in me I am really having such a hard time processing everything.

I think I have gone through more contrasting emotions in these months than in my whole life put together. I have been as happy and elated and also as confused and lonely as never before. I have cried more than I thought possible and yet it was not just pain and confusion, a lot was like a liberating cry, like finding a long lost friend.

It has all been so powerful – all these emotions, thoughts, ideas – that I really feel like I am on a never ending rollercoaster ride. I feel the need to process all that I am going through and feeling, but it is as if all is spinning so fast I just do not have time to catch my breath, let alone think things over and make sense of it all.

 

 

Ohhh, I can so relate to this all, what you´ve written.... Straight all my life, I´ve had this huge crush on my at that time best friend about 3 years ago..... For about first six months I kind of had no idea, what was going on with me, I couldn´t name it really.... I´ve had all those mixed feelings, you are describing, unbelievably happy on one hand, in absolut panic on the other....Amazing, painful, wonderful, horrible.... I didn´t know, what to do with it.... I´ve never in my life felt that way about anybody, but her....

 

My story is different though... I was always atracted to guys (you know, this test on the street, it would be guy, who always catches my attention), BUT as far as I remember, I had another 2 crushes on girls during my life..... And this third one, ohhh, I was deeply in love with her .... So, knowing all this, I became to the conclusion, that I am bisexual...

 

However, there is not much I can do about it now.... I am married. So I might be bisexual or bi-curious, but for me it´s all about commitment and I love my husband and can´t imagine to live without him. So I kind of solved it a long time ago, when I did marry him and had no idea, that this could happen to me.... And believe me, sometimes I really wonder, how would my life go, if that has happened sooner...

 

I think, you should try to have relationship with a girl and see how it goes. I also think, that all your mixed emotions are as well connected to the fact, that you are in love with M. and she has no idea about it... Moreover you don´t know, if she is into girls.... That puts also a lot of insecurity to your situation...Maybe she is the main reason for your emotional rollercoster.... You might be in love for the first time in your life with a girl, and you are not sure, if she can feel the same towards you.... It´s very understandable, that you feel vulnerable... Did she give you any sign, that she might be into girls as well? Are you friend with her?

 

It came time at one point, when I couldn´t keep up wondering all the time (days and nights...), if my friend is also into me more than in friendly way... I told her about my feelings, she couldn´t reciprociate, but she took it well, in really mature way.... But yes, it did affect the friendship.... And there is still this unanswered question, how this would end, if she said, she felt the same..... (...however married I was... )

 

I wish you good luck, it´s not easy....

[OutingMyself]

Lykkee 32, thanks for replying

 

After I realised I liked her, I tried to pick up on clues of whether she was gay or not.

I started to think she might be because a) she never talks about men in her life (tho she might be a reserved person) b) we have had some quite prolonged eye to eye contact c)she mentioned buying a chair from IKEA for a "special friend" (her words) and when I questioned about the gender of this friend, it was female d) at a party I definitely think I caught her checking me out.

 

All this was before Christmas and the only reason why I was not ore upfront with her was that we work together and I really did not want to put me or her in an embarrassing and potentially damaging position.

Oh and she went out for a coffee with me once, but I am afraid I blew it. I was so nervous I was not very charming and I think I might have bored the hell out of her....But she was acting weird as well...she is usually quite cool, but that day almost pulled down the tablecloth and barely managed not to make a mess, and then she seemed to look out the window often, as if seeing id someone was around (I thought of asking her, but then didn't and I wish I had asked her hat that was all about).

 

After Christmas (first mine and then her vacations), I had had more time to consolidate what I felt and make peace with my attraction to another girl (I think I was still doubling guessing myself until that point). thereforeeee I decided to just tell her what I felt. I knew I would be finishing my job there soon and I really thought that in the worst case scenario if she were straight, knowing her, I think I could have asked her to keep it between us and she would have.

 

Unfortunately, M. was different to me after the break, she was suddenly cold. It was in the small things, but it was definitely something I felt. I do not know what happened, but she avoided me at work as much as she could (never came by my office, never came to ask if I wanted lunch, avoided my eyes....) and she avoided coming out on weekends. There was always something: a friend she had to go out to dinner with, work, or some other excuse. And she did strange things like making sure I knew that the upcoming weekend she was busy or away. and she made sure to say that when I had not even asked what her plans were (I mean at that point I said very little to her). Why was she doing this???

For whatever reason, after Christmas, she just pushed me off and well I got the point and it hurt a lot, but I just decided to really stay off and give her space.Which was not as easy as I had thought, but I managed and it was good because it had become a bit painful to be pushed off all the time and I guess it kind of worked.

Then she confused me again. She somewhat started approaching me, nothing too open, but definitely different from the cold attitude of before. And it felt both good and bad...she never went back to the eye to eye contact we use to have, some of the chemistry seemed gone or rather it seemed like she did not want any of it going.

 

All this to say I am absolutely clueless about her sexual orientation and what (if anything) ever happen between us.

I need to know and yet it terrifies me. I want to confront her about it all, but I am soo scared of scaring her off as well as being hurt myself. Months ago I was feeling that things were good, that she was gay ad into me some, but now I am afraid I got it all wrong and that a)she is straight and will laugh at me, is annoyed by me or b)she might be gay but not like me or c) lesbian yes, but already in a relationship...All these would break my heart and considering it all, I feel so vulnerable and easily scarred by it all.

Rationally I really don't want to chicken away - regrets are, in the long run, far worst than the worst embarrassment and rejection. Yet, emotionally I am afraid Ill be crushed.

What should I do? And what do you think about M and if anything has happened between us?

[Lykke 32]

Well, honestly I don´t know....

 

I´ve read recently here on forum somebody saying, that girls are really difficult to say, out of their behaviour and possible "signs", if they are also into girls... And I so agree....

 

My "crush" would write me, she loves me, that she is mine forever, that I am her love forever, that she wanna kiss me, that she wanna hold me all night, that she can´t live without me etc etc.... When we were together, she would touch me often, hug me, hold my hand while walking, maintain eyecontact for long long time, I catched her many times observing me from the distance, she would kiss me on the lips (and not just a peek, 21, 22, 23...). She gave me a cd with a song "Didn´t know I was looking for love until I´ve found you...." When I opened up to her, that I was in love with her, I was 99 % sure it´s mutual.... And it wasn´t.... She told me, that´s what she does with friends....

 

As you describe the situation, yes, there could be some signs, BUT I also think, that her behaviour could be explained by different reasons.... But first of all, I am definitally not an expert here and another thing is, that nobody can really decide that for you....

 

As you wrote, you could get hurt, but you might as well wonder for a long time, how it is, if you don´t approche her.... That´s one possibility, but make sure, that you are able to handle the possible rejection... It could be really hard and emotional...

 

Well, you love her and hope, that she feels the same towards you.... I would say, that the best way, how to find out at least, if she cares for you, is to hold you back for a while..... You say, you are no longer gonna work together... So this is the chance.... Wait, if she tries to contact you, if she is gonna miss you... What to loose? If she is gonna do that, go from there.... If she is not, than probably there isn´t anything special, that she feels towards you (I know, it sucks....), and there is nothing you can do about it...Sorry....

 

And don´t think, that you have to solve this situation until your last day at work with her... If she really cares, she cares also, if you are not there near her.... she will contact you....

 

I hope, this helps a bit...

 

Take care

[Tigris]

Your life sounds like mine except that it's taken me until now to discover who I really am. I'm a 42 year old lesbian and I'm proud of it!

 

I too had crushes on girls from the age of 12 or 13 but I pushed them to the back of my mind and went out with boys. My 1st marriage lasted for 5 years and my 2nd marriage of 14 years has recently ended in divorce.

 

I realised I was having major problems in 1999 when I fell in love with a friend, however she was straight. I was very ill that year and my husband was complaining that she wasn't a very good friend for not getting in touch to see how I was. I couldn't let her take the blame so I told him the truth that it wasn't her fault but mine. He was shocked but he couldn't get me on adultery because I hadn't done anything wrong! It took me 3 years to get over her!

 

A while later I fell for someone else. This time I was trying to get physical. This new friend was straight too but giving off mixed signals! We thought it was because I wasn't getting any attention as my husband was working away, however, I took ill and he came home to live and for a while everything seemed ok. Months went by and I started college. As the course ended with the exam I realised I'd fallen in love with the lecturer. I explained the situation to her (this was a Psychology course) and wanted her help. I thought she maybe able to give me some books to read, etc. Instead she freaked out, refused to teach me on the next course and threatened to tell her superiors if I turned up in her class again! This made me panic because I'd come to terms with the fact I could be bi but I didn't want anyone else to know!

 

Throughout the years I knew sexually that I wasn't happy within my marriages. I always felt like there was something missing although I wasn't sure at first what I was looking for. During 2004 I realised what was missing. It was the emotional side that I longed for. The kisses, the cuddles, the playful pats on the bottom as you passed your husband, things that didn't lead to sex.

 

Whilst going through the turmoil I met a 17 year old girl on here who is a lesbian and I started to explain how I felt. She talked to me for a long time but couldn't help me anymore because she'd never had relationships with men. She suggested I talked to her mother who was a counsellor and bi. We talked and over the weeks I came to realise who I was and that I was starting to fall in love with her. I told her what was happening and she said she felt the same way about me! We've had a LDR (I'm in UK and she's in Australia) for 8 months. I proposed to her over the phone in October and she accepted. I've just come back from Australia recently. Whilst I was there I did the proper proposal on bended knee and gave her a diamond ring. She gave me a ring too. It's going to take us a while before we can be together, but we're both happier than we've ever been throughout our lives (she's been married twice too). I must admit I've gone through hell over the years but now that I've found the woman of my dreams it's been worth every minute of the torture!

 

I think M realised she was attracted to you too and she was avoiding seeing you in case you didn't feel the same way about her. You then said she's now talking to you but avoiding your eyes? I think that's a sign that she wants to still be in your life but she still can't bring herself to look into your eyes. I think you should give her your phone number, MSN address if you've got one, etc., when you leave work and leave it up to her to contact you.

 

Don't worry about labelling yourself, just concern yourself with trying to discover who you really are. There's no rush just take your time.

 

You're welcome to PM me anytime. If you are on MSN just ask me for my address (I don't give that out to everyone).

 

Good luck and take care.

[OutingMyself]

I saw her today.

I told her what I feel.

She was real nice to me, but told me she is straight. that she started pushing me off, because she suspected i liked her and did not want to illude me.

I feel horrible.

And I feel confused all over again. I mean, with her I acted as if me being a lesbian is a well proven fact and that I am absolutely OK with it, but am I?

I don't think so. I am not sure anymore. what am I???

[Tigris]

I've been through this situation 3 times in the past! Afterwards like you, I became confused again. I decided I was sick of looking like an idiot for falling for straight women. When I stopped looking for someone I found a girlfriend. She's my Fiancee now!

 

I hope you find someone new soon.

 

Good luck

[OutingMyself]

I don't know...she was calm and sure about the fact that she likes guys, but...I remember her sparkling eyes when we used to talk at the beginning, is that normal?

And I saw her at a party just this past week, she was going out of her way to avoid speaking to me unless she really had to, and by then I knew for whatever reason she was not into me, so I observed her a lot. She was all over this other girl. that same sparkling eyes when she talked to this other girl, this prolonged eye to eye contact, and then when this girl got up to go to the toilet, M. checked her out...I mean I saw it, she looked at waist. I don't know, do straight girls to that to other girls?

 

I am sure M is sure when she says she is straight, but I wonder...just over a year ago, wouldn't that have been my answer to?

I wonder if I could go back in time and observe myself, I wonder if I acted like this as well, checking out girls without even noticing it myself?

Or am I just wishful thinking agian...just liking M so much, that I am trying to find her not straight?

 

Tigris...I think I am not as confused now. Maybe it was just an immediate response to the rejection. I mean, it would have been so much easier if we had just kissed and been together...aahh..i so wished.

[FoxLocke]

First of all OUTINGMYSELF that was the most beautiful introductory post that I've ever read. I almost started to tear up...

 

First of all I am so glad that you allowed your true feelings to surface and be who you really are.

Everything you wrote I related to on a personal level. I'm a gay man and your experience has been mine. I know what it is like to wall away such a powerfully inate part of your being and just be a shell of a person when it comes to sex and love.

And I can relate to what it is to let it free and see all the bright new colors, and acknowledge your attraction to the same gender.

 

I can't really give you any profound advice because I am still going through this process myself.

I think when you first come out and acknowledge who you are is a time of introspection, healing, and experimentation.

My advice is to keep nurturing the part of yourself that you kept locked away...And then just let life take it's course. If you find that perfect girl for you then just go with the flow.

 

Cheers!

[OutingMyself]

Hey FoxLocke

Thanks for your reply. It feels good to have input and response.

 

I see that we are about the same age...I am wondering when did you start to finally out yourself? Have you been as furious with yourself as I have been for having denied being gay for so long?

[Tigris]

I can relate to being furious with myself for not coming out years ago. It's taken me 30 years to stop denying I'm a lesbian!

 

As FoxLocke says, 'Keep nurturing those feelings!'

 

Good luck and take care.

[OutingMyself]

"Forgiving" myself for denying it for long was probably one of the hardest and most important things to process for me.

 

Anyway, thanks Tigris. I will.

 

And CONGRATULATIONS - hope all goes well.

[FoxLocke]

Hey Outtomyself,

 

Well, I've always known I was gay, since the age of 7 or 8. But I officially starting--slowly--coming out to myself a little over one year ago.

The moment was when I saw my cousin for the first time in years. Him and his Husband flew down from Canada for my uncle's funeral. When I saw the two of them together something just came alive inside of me...That is what it felt like, a part of me that was always there started to breathe.

 

That is when I slowly started the realization. I was still afraid to let go though which caused a major internal conflict(resulting in migraine headaches and sleep loss)...Then, one morning, I was staring up at the ceiling and I said to myself, "screw it I'm gay..." And it was like this weight just lifted from my shoulders.

 

When I read your post I could relate to every single thing you wrote!

 

At first I was furious at myself. There were so many nice guys who had tried to garner my affections but I ran from them because I was afraid. I missed out on so many friends and relationships because I was afraid to be honest and open...Yes, I could really kick myself for not admitting it earlier, because it isn't the death sentence that I thought it would be.

 

But, I've forgiven myself for it now because we never know then what we know now. I feel blessed to be gay. It has allowed me to really search myself and find out what things in life are important to me. And once I accepted it I am no longer afraid of any other facets of my personality..

 

[OutingMyself]

Hey FoxLoke,

 

now you are the one bringing tears to my eyes!

 

I guess many of us have an "epiphany" of sorts when we finally realize, "hey I'm gay!".

I've also come to realize that I was not ready before and that, it was once I started looking for a serious rrelationship, for "love", that I finally admitted to myself what I knew all along.

I've always like girls...but I guess it was fine to date guys for "fun", Craving for a serious and long term relationship really gave me the courage to look inside myself and fear no longer.

 

I do feel so much better now. It really has been a hell of a process, but it really feels GOOD to have finally embraced all of ourselves, doesn't it?

 

I know I will still have many challenges ahead, but it feels as if I've done so much already and the rest are details that will fit in.

 

Now, we just have to find a special girl for me (who requits my love!) and a special boy for you, don't we? I really cannot wait

 

Good luck!