FirstTimeLove

[trueblue30]

I'm not sure even where to begin here, but I really need some advice. I am a gay man of 30, who just admitted it to myself and a couple of good friends a couple of years ago. My problem is not a question of coming out or about my sexuality. It is about a man that I met about a year ago now. I should point out that I am attracted to older men (but certainly not opposed to dating guys my own age). This man that I met is 50. I'm not going to lie, this "relationship" began with sex and this man was the first man that I was seeing regularly. He was so kind to me, and we really did have a lot of fun together. I genuinely thought he was interested in me. I was really scared to address him about it though. But I did--and got shot down. His attraction to me was purely sexual, and he was very honest about this. He assumed I had felt the same way too. We definitely had our signals crossed. Anyway, I accepted the fact that we weren't going to date, but I expressed that I wanted to continue our friendship--and the intimacy. This was fine, until he met someone who he became interested in having a serious relationship with, and didn't tell me about it right away. I felt very comfortable with this guy and trusted him when we were intimate. For many years I felt such shame for being gay. This man helped take that shame away--it is literally gone, and for that reason he will always be very special to me.

 

Sorry folks, I know this is long, I'm having a little trouble getting this out. I hate to say it but we continued our intimacy. He felt guilty because he was cheating on his boyfriend and I felt guilty because I wanted to be with this man so much yet I was with him cheating on his boyfriend who is innocent and whom I never even met. And this man is now feeling such guilt over what we've done too. However, this man that I want, he said that his relationship really wasn't that serious for so long and that he wasn't sure it was ever going to be, and that's why he allowed himself to be with me. We had a misunderstanding before the holidays and just last week we had a long talk about everything. Long story short, we will no longer be intimate as his relationship is now getting serious and he is spending much more time with his boyfriend. If things get sour and he feels the need to "have fun", he said it won't be with a friend (meaning me). I was touched and hurt at the same time. He really does consider me a friend and doesn't want me to be hurt, but the thought of never being with him again, why does it hurt so much? I guess I just have to admit that I was holding out hope that somehow we would become a couple. Anyway, we've come to a new understanding now and we are just friends. I accept this, but how do I heal my heart you guys? How can I make that pain go away? Can anyone help?

[byates5637]

The guys and girls over in the "breaking up" forum have alot of great insight and advice. They helped me in my darkest moments. Try going there.

 

So you have been openly gay for a couple years now and have only been with one man. If it took you 25 or so years of building up the courage to come out of the closet, and you finnally did it, dont you think you deserve to experience more then one man before you settle down for the rest of your life? You do.

Now that your shame is gone you have the world open to you. There are a million men out there looking for someone like you...and some of them are going to be a better match for you then the guy who just left you.

Try to think about the positive things in your future, and not the negative things from your past.

Oh and by the way...don't talk to this guy anymore. He doesn't deserve it. Cut him out of your life and move on....

Good luck

 

-brandon

[trueblue30]

Thanks Brandon. What you said makes so much sense. Now I know that this guy doesn't deserve me, but I think we really can be friends now that we've cleared up all the misunderstandings. He is someone I can still talk to and confide in. We as a society in general seemed to have made this rule that you can't be friends with someone that you've..... been involved with. I'm not sure I believe it in this case. Anyway, letting go of him completely and cutting him out of my life is something that is MUCH easier said than done. How can I do this? Is there an easy way? A part of me feels like I should cut him out but another part of me feels I should give us a chance at being just friends. I also feel like I've caused everything that's went wrong here and that I somehow need to repair the damage. I guess I'm just not sure . I also want to point out that I have liked and been involved with other guys, but I have never come this close to having any kind of a relationship. Anyway, thanks so much for taking the time to read this and responding. I really do appreciate any advice that comes my way.

[Lykke 32]

Trueblue, sorry to hear about your situation. It´s tough to love somebody, who can´t reciprocate....

 

You would like to be friend with this guy, but I wouldn´t recommend that.... Try to sit down and imagine this friendship.... Would it really be a friendship? Yes, he can easily see you as a friend, but are you able to see him ONLY as a friend too? I doubt it.... It could end up with you being hurt quite often, seeing this guy having a happy relationship with somebody else..... I can see, that you really love him. Seeing him with another guy, sharing their happiness as a friend, it could be really painful for YOU..... And you might be pretty stuck there hoping, that he might change his mind one day and turn back to you..... And you might as well be stuck with this typical "Why this other guy and not me?"... Don´t let this happen to you...Sorry, I see a lot of pain causing you, if you stay friend with him now.

 

You first need to get over him and then afterwards maybe be friends.... But maybe then, after you move on, you won´t need this friendship at all.....

 

You seem like a really nice guy and it´s true, that he doesn´t deserve you. You deserve somebody, who loves you back the same way, you do.... This guy never did and never will (I think, he was always honest with you in that, wasn´t he?)

 

I think, you should stop talk to him. Start NC (no contact). It´s gonna be tough at first, but it´s gonna get easier with the time, you´ll see.... Try to concentrate on your other friendships... Time heals and that´s true, however you might not believe it now..... You say, that this guy took away your shame for being gay. That´s fantastic and be grateful for that. But now it´s time to find somebody, who genuinely loves you back.... Move on!

 

Brandon is right, people on ENA are gonna support you in the hard times whenever you need...

 

Take care!

[trueblue30]

Thanks you guys. You know, I went into the breaking up section and I read a lot of posts that talked about NC (at first I was wondering about what this meant, lol, then I figured it out). So this got me thinking, maybe I'll give it a try. I mean before I saw him again last week, our contact was about as much as 4 emails over 2 months and I did ok. I think I'll just try and stop, no guarantees, but I'll try. It doesn't mean we're ending the friendship, we're just ending things until I get over this, but if our friendship does end because of this, it's ok (thinking this way makes NC much easier). I really didn't want to admit it, but I guess it's...... written all over this post, that I love the guy. How is this possible? I didn't love him at first, but I'd say I loved him about 6 months after we met. Is it possible to love someone that soon without even knowing a whole lot about them? Ok, so i guess if I'm starting NC this means it's day one. I'm really going to miss him, I do already, so much. You know it's really weird, sometimes I imagine myself telling him in the future that "I've found someone else and I'm really happy and can't believe I gave the likes of you a chance!" I guess those are just feelings that you go through in this process. Anyway, I'm in a new job right now and I'm really enjoying it, so that is one positive. I'm also very excited about my future, career wise, so there's a positive. My friends right now are all new because I'm living overseas, but they are really great. I've also joined a gym, so I'm working out. So I'm doing things already to move on.

 

I guess I should tell you a little more about my gay situation. Even though I've admitted to myself and am not ashamed anymore, my family doesn't know. My parents are in their 70's and it's not that I'm ashamed of telling them, I just don't want them to go through all these conflicting things at their age. They are happy and healthy and that's the way it should be. I struggled with that issue for awhile but I've made peace with it. I have no problem telling my siblings, but I just don't want to risk it slipping to my parents. Besides, my move overseas is career related and permanent, so there is no need to know.

 

Having said that, I'm in a country where being gay is frowned upon and I could get fired from my job if I were found out (I wish this were different, but this isn't my country). However, their is still a thriving gay community here, and I know some spots. So, after some time of NC with this guy, I'd like to get out there and meet someone. I'm giving it time because I don't want to jump into anything, and I don't want rebound, etc. I think this goes without saying that I need time to heal. Now you've probably heard this question dozens and dozens of time, but where can I go to meet guys who don't just want to hookup? I've been to the nightclubs and I'm not into that scene. I don't mind going to a gay bar where you can sit with friends and such, but, my only gay friend was this guy, so now I'm alone again. Can you really meet decent guys through clubs like a sports club, hiking club, etc? I love hiking and was thinking about looking for a gay hiking club?

 

I'm sorry this is so lengthy you guys. And this should probably be in the breaking up section as Brandon suggested, I just thought it was more relevant here because it was gay related. If you guys think I should move it to there I will.

 

Having said all this, I can't believe how much this helps just writing and receiving these posts. It really helps you sort out your feelings, doesn't it? I also keep a journal--it's a travel journal so I put all my experiences in there. Thank you, thank you, thank you again for taking the time to read and respond. Day one of NC, here we go, and I will keep you updated. If anything good can come of NC, I hope it is that it will help someone else in my situation (another good reason to share this experience).

now but moving toward

[Cadence308]

trueblue30, I wish that I could offer some advice. I know how it hurts to be in love with someone and not have it be reciprocated. I was in a similar situation to yours when I first started posting on this site. I was in love with a much older woman (25 years my senior) and I thought we were friends, but she was always sending me mixed signals. We never had sex, but one night I thought she was dropping the hints when we met for dinner. I didn't take her up on it because I wasn't sure where things were going and I'm very cautious.

 

To make a long story short, I kind of let her know that I had feelings for her. We are no longer speaking. She told me that she's much older than me, my parents' age and she can't be my confidante (after asking me about all of the details about my life). I have been so hurt over this whole thing and I know that it would have been worse if we would have slept together. I'm still hurt and sometimes it can still make me cry and it's been 16 months now.

 

I can't tell you if you should continue a friendship with this guy, but it was very wrong for him to continue the sexual intimacy after he realized that you felt and wanted more. If things between you two were so personal and intimate, I guess I don't understand why you two couldn't have been a couple. He was cheating on his boyfriend with you for a great deal of his new relationship, so obviously you were bringing something to the relationship that his new boyfriend couldn't.

 

I do know that no contact with him may make you feel better by allowing you to move on. If you stay in contact with him and allow him to monopolize your feelings and energy, you may hold onto the thought that he may change his mind and enter a relationship with you. It may make you hurt even more.

[trueblue30]

Figured I better give some kind of update. I am on day 2 of no contact. This seems like forever. But I've been keeping myself very busy. So far I'm ok. I've even checked out some gay clubs (hiking, or sports, among others) to see which ones I could join and meet some people. I'm putting myself out there only for friendship now, people who I can just talk to. I'm really nervous. And I'm afraid to allow myself to have any feelings for anyone again because I don't want to be hurt like this again, ever ever ever. The more I think about it, the more I think you all are right, that this man who I love doesn't deserve me. But now I've lost some dignity. How do you get this back? I wish he would be able to see what he's lost, and realize he will never get it back! Anyway, I'm sure that I'll be going through the motions for a little while yet. It is a process. Until then, work is really helping. It's also helping me that I'm in a country where I can go out and go exploring to places I haven't been to yet. I can also find gay people maybe who I can travel with. Getting to the point, I'm feeling hopeful for life without this man! Thanks again for listening to me. Cheers.

[Cadence308]

It sounds like you are doing okay, despite how you are feeling. I think that's key to moving on with your life even when you don't want to and you think the world is coming to an end because someone you love doesn't feel the same way. I've heard it said before that pretending to feel a certain way eventually makes you believe you feel that way.

 

Work and going out of the country sound like good distractions. Even better that you are looking into hiking and other healthy diversions that should be healthy outlets to meeting new friends and maybe one day someone who deserves to be with you.

 

I have no idea how you get your dignity back. When you find out, let me know! lol I think when you open yourself up and allow yourself to become vulnerable, you always feel like you lost your dignity.

 

GL and keep us posted!

[trueblue30]

Hello again. It's been awhile. I thought it was about time for an update. I think I did something I wasn't ready for. I went out with a guy--it was such a wrong thing to do. The whole time I was with him I was thinking about the guy I'm trying to get over. I even explained a little bit my situation. It turned out to be a not bad night, but I should not have went out with this guy, it wasn't fair to him, and he was so nice, too. I'm upset, I don't even want to date anyone right now, let alone even try. This is day 8 of NC. I've even said to myself that I don't want to be gay anymore, some of shame is lingering back, but I think that may be just because I'm hurting. Thank god I enjoy my work because it is a welcome distraction, and at least I'm able to focus when I'm at work. Coming home is a different story. Oh yeah, and get this, to make myself feel better, I even told myself that after awhile of no contact, this guy is going to come back and say that he made a mistake and that he really does want to be with me, and that I would get the chance to say, sorry buddy, but you had your chance. I guess I'm just going through the motions. Is this normal?

 

In getting my dignity back..... not so sure, but I know that there are places where there are pockets of gay people in the country that I'm in, so the chances of me running into this guy are pretty high. I'd like to just show that I'm really happy, moving on, and didn't bat so much as an eyelash after we last spoke.

 

Today I'm hurting . I miss this guy. But I'm hanging in there. I've made plans with friends for the next couple of weekends so I won't be lonely. I refuse to lock myself inside and not have a social life because of the said guy. Thanks for taking the time to read again.

[Cadence308]

I think it's normal to have wishful thinking about rejecting someone who hurt you very much. It's your ego making those wishes. I still sometimes make them when I think about the woman who hurt me very much. It's kind of your mind's way of letting you know that you are worth more than that and you deserve better than that.

 

On the opposite end of the spectrum, it's easy to feel like you are not loveable and that you will never find someone that you love as much as this guy. It's kind of like a "tug of war" going on inside your head.

 

You went out with this other guy and after you opened up to him a bit he probably realized that you were not completely ready to begin anything. I wouldn't feel too bad about it. Those kinds of things happen and you realized that you were not ready to start dating again and it does sound a bit premature at this point, but the main thing is to get yourself out there, make new friends and not to wallow in your misery!

[trueblue30]

Thanks Ballys. "Tug of war inside your head." Wow! You hit the nail right on the head there! Today I don't feel so bad again, but I'm kind of excited because I've made so many plans to do get out and do things and I'm even going on a trip in early May. I'm looking at these things as my bright spots right now. I'm really wondering though, once I'm over this guy, should I continue a friendship, or is there the risk of falling for him again and getting hurt. I don't want to feel this hurt again so if that's what's going to happen, I don't want to be friends. And I'm afraid the friendship would be one-sided. I would be the one making plans, he wouldn't bother calling and I would just simply be the convenient one. He constantly likes to remind me how extremely busy he is (yeah right). At least, this is the way it was before we spoke last. I just don't want to go back to that. And it's not the relationship/dating idea here. It's this: "ok, so you don't want to date me, and I'm not even worth being a friend." Even that hurts. Does this make any sense?

 

Oh anyway, you're right, I refuse to sit and wallow Well, this is day 9 of NC. I can't wait until I can see it's been a month. I feel that I'm definitely on the upside of healing. I don't cry or anything like that, though sometimes I want to. My work is helping a lot, so is getting out there and doing things. A nice coping strategy when I go through tough times is to spoil myself until the hurt goes away. This could be in the form of shopping, travelling, doing whatever makes you happy. It certainly doesn't replace anyone, but it does push out some of the hurt. I think a lot of time many of us wallow because it's our way of remembering the person we love and keeping them in our mind. And I think many of us need to go through that, but we also need to spoil ourselves. Just do what you love to do. I don't know if this helps anyone, but it sure does help me. Luckily, I'm one who does enjoy my solitude, so being alone isn't such a bad thing for me, as long as I use the time productively. I think I can honestly say that it will be a long time before I get involved with anyone again. Ok, so I'm rambling here. Thanks for your replies. Spring is here--out with the old and in with the new! (I know, cliche, )

[trueblue30]

Hey everyone. Just wanted to post here that I moved to the breakup section, so you can get an update there. At this point, I think it's better I go to the breakup forum. Had a little setback and now I'm hurting again. Anyway, you can find it out in the breakup section under "Broke NC after unlucky day #13."