My marriage never felt right

[JVP]

Hi,

 

This is my first time posting here, or any site like this for that matter. To be honest I never thought that I would be someone who posts in places like this but I need to get my feelings out and I don't know where else to do it. I am 35 yo and been married for 6 years. My wife is 32 yo and we have 2 little girls, one 4 yo and the other 8 mos. I should warn you now that this is probably going to be a long post as I want to spill all the details.

 

I am a college graduate who lived with his parents until he was 29 and got married. I know 29 is a long time but I just never felt that I could afford my own place with the job I had at the time and didn't have any roomate prospects. I met my wife when I was 23 and she was 19. We have been together ever since. After dating for 4+ years I asked her to marry me. Our marriage has been for the most part a happy one, but I have always had some suppressed feelings in the back of my mind. The only time I lived on my own was for 4 years at college. Other than that I have either lived with my parents or my wife. I never really had a serious relationship with another woman and only dated 2 or 3 other women before I met my wife. I feel that I missed a whole portion of growth and development as an adult by going right from living with my parents to being married, but I thought it was just a phase and I ignored the feelings. My lack of confidence with women when I was in my twenties caused me to believe that I should marry this women even when I began to have second thoughts, thinking maybe I needed to get out on my own and figure things out first, but once again I was afraid to be alone, and suppresed these feelings hoping they would go away, thinking I was in love, and for the most part the feelings did go away, only resurfacing occasionally. As time went by, I began to become more confident in myself and my abilities as an individual, and feel better about my life, but the feelings still occasionally came. How would my life be different if I had been more confident in my 20's? What if I could act on my feelings for that woman at work who flirted with me? These feelings would disappear as quickly as they came.

 

However, after our second child was born things began to change for the worse. I became depressed about the way my life had gone, why was I so afraid in my twenties to live life on my own, to pursue a better job?(I now work for a good company and have been promoted regularly, but still am underearning considering my education). I gradually lost interest in things that used to give me pleasure, movies, music, reading, working out. I just don't do them anymore. Money became tight as my wife had to work less , what with 2 children instead of one, and the higher energy prices for our house. We began to fight more about stupid things and my 4 yo daughter has noticed, asking us why we argue and sometimes not even wanting to leave us alone to talk for fear that we will fight. To add to the stress of our situation, I took a job with a longer commute within my company for a little more money and now I don't get home until between 6 & 7 o'clock and my wife has to do everything to get the kids fed and ready for bed, even on the days that she works, we are trying to sell our house and downsize to relieve some financial pressure, and her father has recently had to be put into a nursing home. We can only seem to go for a couple of days without fighting and the other day after the kids were asleep we had a huge fight about our finances which ended with my wife crying by herself in the bedroom about what she had done to deserve such a horrible situation for herself. As always we patched things up and moved on but this time I fear there has been irreversible damage. We just don't feel close anymore, but we continue on, some good days some bad, but never truly feeling as we did(at least me).

 

Here comes the part we are all waiting for, I have met another girl at work whom I have become attracted to. She is ten years younger than I am and has a boyfriend that she is not happy being with. I feel more strongly for her than just a passing flirtation. Do I think anything could happen between us. Yes, probably, if I was still single. Do I think that she is interested in becoming the other woman with a married man(I wouldn't want this anyway), or even becoming involved with an older divorced man with 2 children, probably not. I do think she is noticing a difference in the way I act around her as my feelings are growing(how could she not I act like a fool) and she is still playing the role of my friend. If I was single with no baggage I believe we could have a relationship despite the age difference as she is mature for her age and I am young for mine(both mentally and in appearance) and we have much in common. Anyway the point is that either way I am having a hard time getting her out of my mind even though we haven't come close to being intimate or even kissing or holding hands for that matter. All we have done is talked about our common interests together and grown closer each time we spoke. Last night for the first time I came home and couldn't get her out of my head. I was acting differently and my wife noticed. I told her many of my feelings that I stated above(minus the part about the girl) and she began to cry, not understanding why I feel that way and coming to the conclusion that she just doesn't and won't ever have a normal husband. Does this other girl just want to be friends? I don't know, the point of my post is not to decide if I should get a divorce so I can pursue her, but to find out if my feelings for her are real or just a phase, some sort of illusion because of the current state of my marriage. Personally, I think it's a little bit of both. Either way, I'm not sure staying with my wife is the right thing to do if I'm not truly in love with her anymore, it's not fair to her, and my older daughter gets very upset when we fight. What about my children who I love very much and can't bear not to see everyday, not to mention how a divorce could ruin me financially until I am able to get a higher paying job?

 

Re-reading my post I see alot of my's and I's, I know this is selfish. Please don't post just to tell me I am selfish and a jerk, that's nothing I haven't said to myself already. Anyway I am just human and can't control the way I feel. I don't know if anyone will feel compelled to respond to my painfully long post, or even read it, but to those who do read and post their opinions I thank you. At the very least I feel a little better having typed this whole thing out.

 

Thanks

[coooolsome]

Yes, you are human and being human means you still have a choice. You regret not being able to be free when you were in your 20's and sometimes you have to live with your regrets. You are married and have 2 kids and you should try to work this out with your wife. Relationships arent a one way street. You both need to work this out together.

 

This other girl is going to be a huge rebound and is going to do nothing but hurt you in the long run. Seriously, why go out for a hamburger when you have steak at home. You married her for a reason and you seem to have lost it. You need to find it again. You can relive your 20's with your wife. Get someone to babysit your kids and go out and have some fun.

 

Go get marriage counseling if you need to. I am young but I have realized that no matter how many women I want to sleep with, none of them will ever compare to the one I marry. Fantasies are just that, fantasies. Dont expect to go after another woman and think you life will be so great. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

 

Focus on saving your marriage and not trying to start some fling with a woman 10 years younger than you. Remember, she is in her 20's and will probably dump you to experience the single life.

 

Try to save the marriage first and then if nothing works, do what you want to do.

[Jadtt]

I, myself, was never married, but I was damn close to it....here's my story. And, it isn't met to tell you what to do exactly, but moreso to let you know that what you are feeling is pretty normal, and there are those of us out there that feel (or have felt) the same way as you.

 

I met my ex when I was 18 years old and we began dating, he was 23 at the time. After about 11 months of dating we moved in together. It snowballed from there. We dated for a total of nine years, of that time we lived together for 7 years.

 

After the first year or so, I knew I was attracted to him and that I loved him. As time passed and we dated for longer and longer, I realized I started thinking about marriage. In retrospect, I now know that I was simply only thinking about marriage because it seemed like the next "logical" step.

 

Shortly before I graduated colleage, about a year, I started to have second thoughts about my relationship with him. I knew I would be out of school in a year, and I just had this feeling that I had missed something in my early twenties, missed the opportunity to have fun with dating and to find "the one". Our relationship started to go south at that point, my heavy feelings of not wanting to be in the relationship, my doubts, my worries, all of these led to depression. Which, in turn, led to fights. Mind you, during our whole relationship this guy never treated me right, never. He was, in fact, very mean to me emotionally.

 

As my college graduation drew near, I had already signed an offer with a firm in the Detroit area. I knew I would have to move there, and I didn't want him to come with me. At the same time, he was applying to colleges in Michigan to transfer to to finish up his degree. He finally convinced me that we were meant to be together, and all of my feelings and frustrations stemmed from the fact that we worked together, and lived together, and were experiencing a lot of stress and pressure from working full-time and going to school full-time.

 

Upon logical analysis of our situation I thought "hey-maybe he is right, maybe all of the outside pressures are putting stress on our relationship". So, I decided that we would move to Detroit together. And, hopefully, since all my stress was removed that our relationship would get much better. We had been through some struggles, and we got through them, we should be able to get through a move.

 

Five years ago I moved to the Detroit area. Now, the one part of the story I left out is that he had a son, although his son lived with the mother out of state. Two months after we moved his son came up for summer visitation, when September rolled around, she never got him again....she left him with us.

 

So, now I was living in a new city, with a new job and was instantly a "mother". It was a struggle, at first we had to get custody of the child, because my ex was still paying child support. Then, we had to deal with school. On top of dealing with my new job and him dealing with his new school, the stress was immediately unbearable.

 

I worked hard for the next two years. Although, I always had lingering thoughts in the back of my head that my life was not the life I was destined for and, this man, was not the one for me. I kept on suppressing my thoughts, I kept on telling myself that I was simply just having them because I had lost the "dating" part of my early 20's and I was just thinking about "what if's" and I my feelings were just an illusion. However...they never went away, and the stress didn't either. We started to fight all the time, we were both not happy at all.

 

Then, that summer, he proposed to me. Now, at this time I KNEW that I probably shouldn't marry him, because I knew he wasn't the one and if I did marry him....we'd end up divorced. Even after knowing this I STILL said yes. However, even after getting engaged----which is something us women really look forward to, I was just not excited to plan a wedding. I used work as an excuse all the time, that it didn't give me enough opportunities to plan, etc. etc.

 

This whole time that I was engaged, I had this thought in the back of my head "two more years until he graduates college...then I'm gone". I tried to run away from this thought, pretended it didn't exist. But, it was always there, I was always unhappy, I always felt like something was missing. The reason why I wasn't leaving though-was very simple. My ex was not financially capable of living in a big city, with the cost of living so high AND taking care of a child, on a $13/hr job while a full-time student...there was NO way this could happen. And, I loved his son so much, I didn't want to be responsible for creating a situation where his son would have to go back and live with his mother (this was not a good idea-and that's a whole nother story).

 

In any case, over a year ago I finally began talking with my good friend and let her know what my feelings were. She wasn't too shocked, she had heard all the stories, she knew I had been depressed, she asked me what I was going to do about it. I said "I am not going to marry this man". Four months after that, I told him I was moving out and wasn't going to marry him.

 

Now, after that very long story (which I apologize for) the one thing that I learned was this:

 

You know, in your heart and your mind what is best for you and what you want. Even when you try and walk away from your feelings, they will always find you. There is no escape. You cannot hide from them, you cannot bury them, you must confront them. You must recognize that, the most important thing is that you are happy with your life and the way you live it. If that happiness doesn't include another person, well...it doesn't include them. I dated this man for 9 years, I was engaged, I was living with him, we had a life together...and I walked away. Sure, it was scary as hell. The first month I lived on my own (and I had NEVER lived alone) was one of the scariest parts. Not because I was alone, not because I wasn't with this man, but simply because I had never had the opportunity to live alone. I had always lived with roomates or HIM.

 

You cannot deny yourself what you truly feel in your heart. You have to listen to it, because it is there to let you know the path your are destined to lead. Everything else, except for children, is secondary.

 

Follow you heart.

 

However, I would suggest that you do not cheat on your wife. This is never a way to handle a situation, I cheated on my ex and it depressed me, because that wasn't the person that I truly am. And, I can say that, although I don't feel bad about walking away, I do feel bad that I cheated on him and shared myself with another person. For some people, the only reason to cheat is to help yourself walk away from a situation that you are so scared of confronting, it is a scapegoat in life, so you don't have to deal with all of your feelings.

[JVP]

Thanks Jadtt.

 

Although our situations are not quite the same, there are similarities. Fortunately you were able to see the right thing to do for yourself before getting married. My situation is a little different as I am married and have 2 children, plus you were younger when this happened to you. The question for me is can I work out my marriage or is it too late? Do I even want to make my marriage work? Are my children better off with us staying together unhappily? And what of the feelings I have for this other girl, are they real or am i just imagining them based on my circumstances?

[brando]

JVP,

 

So what is it that you want exactly?? A divorce is painful, and u seem to realize this. You went through these things over and over, now it is up to you to decide what it is you want. Whichever direction you decide to go, you and your wife will be alright.

 

As far as the other woman you met, no one knows for sure what it can be. I can shae a story with you to give you an idea of what it may be.

 

A guy i work with told me about his ex brother in law who was married for a couplre of years. They had two children and one day his ex brother in law came home to tell his wife he met his soulmate and wanted a divorce.

 

So he breaks up his family, and divorces his wife to persue this relationship with his soulmate, well after a year with his soulmate, this woman turns to him and tells him she isnt in love with him anymore and breaks up with him. So much for his soulmate.

 

Anyway, their are no guarantees. Life is all about choices. Accepting them and never regretting them.

 

Im not saying this will happen to you if you persued this other woman, just an example of a situation similar to yours.

 

What is it really that you cant seem to get back between your wife and yourself.?????

[LEFEM24]

JVP..I wouldn't say you're selfish. Have you discussed counseling with your wife? Does she know how unhappy you REALLY are? If not she deserves to know this, otherwise you'll be blindsiding her without even giving her the chance to make things work.

 

I for one am NOT for parents staying together simply for the sake of the kids. My parents did that...till I was 16 and I wish they'd done it years earlier.

Kids are NOT dumb...they know what's going on. Give them some credit.

They want mommy and daddy to be the BEST parents they can..and sometimes that means mommy and daddy simply can't be together, AND be good parents. It happens.

 

Have a candid discussion with your wife. She may feel the same way..and decide a divorce is best. Then again, she may want to fight to save your marriage. Communicarion and complete honesty is the key here.

 

I wish you all the best.

[JVP]

LEFEM24,

 

Thanks for the advice. No we haven't actually had a conversation about counseling or how I really feel. We've spoken of our problems but I have never let on to the depth of my feelings, usually just blaming unhappiness with my job or our finances. I believe I even had myself convinced of this sometimes, but deep down I know there is a more serious problem. Hopefully I will be able to discuss the real issues with her soon, but it sure will be hard.

 

Brando,

 

It's hard to say what I feel is missing. I'm not sure everything was there that is needed for a successful marriage in the first place and now that the going is getting tougher our problems seem to be coming to the surface. I know that ultimately I will have to decide what to do on my own. But I do appreciate any advice given by the people here. Just posting here and actually seeing things laid out in front of me has been therapeutic.

[Jadtt]

Thanks Jadtt.

 

Although our situations are not quite the same, there are similarities. Fortunately you were able to see the right thing to do for yourself before getting married. My situation is a little different as I am married and have 2 children, plus you were younger when this happened to you. The question for me is can I work out my marriage or is it too late? Do I even want to make my marriage work? Are my children better off with us staying together unhappily? And what of the feelings I have for this other girl, are they real or am i just imagining them based on my circumstances?

 

First of all, I was not married, that is correct, but I was in a relationship with this man for 9 years. No, I didn't have children with him, however, I was a MOTHER to his child from the age of 4 until the age of 13. So, although his child wasn't the fruit of my womb, I was responsible for him. I would have to then say, that I think we are similar in that point. I am sorry, but I was a parent for much longer. And, you might disagree and say that it is different because he wasn't MY child, but I was the person he considered was his mother.

 

This happened to me at 27, yes that is younger...but not by much. And we can walk around in circles and say age matters, but I would have to say that I am currently the oldest 28 year-old I've met in terms of maturity.

 

Do you stay in your marriage? I think you already know the answer to that question and none of us on this forum will be able to answer it for you. The question is, are you going to consciously recognize the answer to that question and start to pursue the life you want, whether that life is to work things out with your wife, or leave her.

 

Yes, you have two children. Would you rather raise your children in an environment that is unhealthy because you thought it was more important to keep something together specifically for them? Do you think that when your children get older they will thank you for raising them in that environment? Do you think that it would have any long-term psychological impact on your children? These are all questions that you must ask yourself, because, believe it or not, the type of relationship you have with your wife will have a SIGNIFICANT impact on your children. They are more perceptive than most people give them credit for, and as much as you try and hide your unhappiness, they will see it.

 

I am sorry, but I do not believe that anyone should ever try and stay in a marriage specifically for the child. As previously stated, my parents did that with me for quite a long time and it was the most unhealthy situation, and their depression and unhappiness contributed to my depression and unhappiness.

 

If you really love your wife, if you really feel that she is the right person then you should try everything in your power to save your marriage. However, if you honestly KNOW in your HEART that this is not going to work out, remember that you must first make yourself happy in order to be a good person and be a good father. It might sound selfish, but it isn't.

 

As for the other woman, I'm sure that your level of attraction for her is genuine. However, be cautious when you say you have "feelings" for her. Your mind might be playing tricks on you in the sense that your current unhappiness and depression is making you actually believe that this women would take that away and she is everything that you have always hoped for. I'm sure that the "feelings" you speak of are you just wanting something more in your life.

[crossflow]

JVP your sitautaion is very similar to a lot of people on here and it's never too late to do something about it. Your comment Anyway I am just human and can't control the way I feel, is just a cop out, of course you can control the way you feel, in fact you are the only person that can.

 

If you don't know what it is you want then take a step back and decide what you want before you do anything else. What you do next could make a big difference to how things move forward in your life.

 

Chances are any relationship with the new girl will be short lived unless you deal with your current one first. You would be better off ending your marriage , dealing with the break up and your feelings and then getting into a new relationship.

 

If you don't want to end the marriage then go get some counselling, I'd say you need to get some for yourself right now anyway regardless, it will help you to focus and deal with things better than you seem to be right now.

 

What ever you decide to do I'd be doing it sooner rather than later, the situation isn't fair on you, the wife or the kids as it stands and can only get worse in time.

 

Your hapiness should be the primary driver in all this, you need to do what is right for you, and that happiness should come before everything else including money, possessions, property. You can always get those back.

 

Better to be poor and happy than rich and unhappy.

[JVP]

Jadtt,

 

I did not mean to make light of your situation and apologize if that is how you felt. I only meant to point out the differences in our situations, but after reading your reply I see that our circumstances were more similar than I thought. I really appreciated you sharing your story with me, it was of great help to me, although I have to say I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. I realize that no one can answer my questions for me, I only wanted to share my feelings with some people who wouldn't judge me and put me down for having them. I also agree with you that I have to be very wary of the feelings I am having for this other girl, but wary or not they are still there and still strong.

[JVP]

JVP your sitautaion is very similar to a lot of people on here and it's never too late to do something about it. Your comment Anyway I am just human and can't control the way I feel, is just a cop out, of course you can control the way you feel, in fact you are the only person that can.

 

Crossflow,

 

Thanks for your reply. I realize my situation is very common, but I disagree with you on whether you can control your feelings or not. If I no longer feel the same love for my wife that I once had I can't just "decide" to feel more for her than I do. I also can't look at the other girl and just stop having feelings for her. I believe that the feelings you have not only can't be controlled but shouldn't be, it is unhealthy. How you act on these feelings can be controlled though. That is where the uncertainty comes in. The feelings I'm having are going to be there whether I "control" them or not. The question is what am I going to do about them. That is what I am trying to figure out for myself.

[brando]

JVP,

 

Do you think you are getting some attention from this woman, you arent getting from your wife.???

[keenan]

JVP,

 

Thanks for telling your story. I don't think you're selfish, and I don't think you're a jerk. The feelings that you're experiencing are actually quite common, and it's healthy and admirable that you're trying to sort this out in a rational way rather than acting hastily, without careful thought.

 

The thing that really jumps out at me when I read your post is that your WIFE, as a person, is being heavily conflated in your mind with both the financial and emotional stressors of your family life, and with your own disappointments about the way that your life as an individual has unfolded (and may continue to unfold). Although it's nearly impossible to separate the issues of money, children, house, lack of ideal career progress, disappointment in your own 'seizing of the moment' in your twenties, and your relationship with your wife (because they're naturally quite related), I think it would serve you well to try to dissociate, as much as possible, your relationship with the woman you married from this other constellation of woes.

 

Unless you're able to do that, both you and your wife are going to suffer by way of comparison with ANY woman that you meet, now or in the future. A woman at work, especially one 10 years your junior, is naturally going to be free of all of those worries and relationship strains. Although I'm sure you have very real feelings for this woman as a person, it's very likely that you also have feelings for the things she represents: youth, optimism, fun, passion, career energy, and complete freedom, unfettered by family or financial burdens. When you're with her, you probably get just a bit of the taste of what it would be like to be 25 again, without all of the stresses and strains that you're coping with now. She helps you recapture your 'lost' youth (funny to think about a 35 year old losing his youth, but you're in a very grown-up world right now, and she's certainly not in the same place). In this sense, your wife is also vulnerable to meeting a younger, or more financially successful, or child-free guy who can offer her some imaginary freedom.

 

Imagine that you could snap your fingers and magically change your wife out for another woman--perhaps this woman. Your life as you know it--your career, your kids, your financial worries--would still be there. The change of having a new PARTER might be exciting for awhile, but it probably wouldn't last. The truth is, you really can't go back and lead a carefree life right now. Even if you leave your family, and hand over the bulk of the burden of child care to your wife, you'll still be in the same place with your career (or worse, because you won't be able to move away from your kids, or take risks that you might ordinarily take because you'll have child support payments), and you'll still be a dad, and you'll still have lost your twenties.

 

So what do you do? I don't know. I think that it probably starts with getting yourself into living circumstances that are less financially stressful, and it probably continues with you making your romance with your wife much more of a priority. Try first to recapture the intensity of your love with her: I imagine that when you were dating her, and when you first married her, you weren't having the same regrets about living with your parents until you were 29 that you're having now. It's mostly a 'hindsight regret' that is coming about because you aren't happy now. If you could be happier NOW (and by this I mean with your family), then you likely won't have as much hindsight regret.

 

Of course you can leave. Of course you can date. But the consequences are so severe, and the pain so great, that personally I think you owe it to you, your wife, your kids, and your future, to try to separate out your stressors and tackle them individually.

 

Just so you know where I'm coming from: I'm currently in a ten-year marriage that is on the rocks, although we're trying to work things out. My husband and are great friends, and have an enormous amount of love and respect for each other. We have no kids, and we have few financial worries. HOWEVER, we married when I was 21 and he was 22. We essentially spent our 'free decade' playing house with each other instead of dating others. This never bothered us at the time...but now I think we both feel a little stifled, a little restless. Because we don't have kids, and because money isn't a problem, we have the luxury of living apart and taking some time to see how much we miss each other, and deciding where we should go from here. It's a bit of relationship atrophy.

 

My point is, this kind of relationship atrophy is normal when you've been with somebody for awhile, even if you care for each other deeply. It's the BACKGROUND of what you're going through. In the foreground, you're also experiencing all these other stressors and hardships, plus the really tempting reality of an office crush. I imagine that it's a heckuva package to sort through right now.

 

But think about this stuff. Don't toss your life aside unless and until it's the best option, and one you can live with for the rest of your life.

[crossflow]

Crossflow,

 

Thanks for your reply. I realize my situation is very common, but I disagree with you on whether you can control your feelings or not. If I no longer feel the same love for my wife that I once had I can't just "decide" to feel more for her than I do. I also can't look at the other girl and just stop having feelings for her. I believe that the feelings you have not only can't be controlled but shouldn't be, it is unhealthy. How you act on these feelings can be controlled though. That is where the uncertainty comes in. The feelings I'm having are going to be there whether I "control" them or not. The question is what am I going to do about them. That is what I am trying to figure out for myself.

 

I think in some ways we are both right. I do believe you can contol your feelings by retraining your brain to analyse things differently. I believe a lot of feelings are sub conscious or automatic feelings based upon rules you create throughout your life. If you change those rules the automated feelings will change.

 

But what your saying is equally correct, when you have those feelings (retrained brain or not) those feelings are real and it is how you deal with them that is the issue.

[JVP]

Brando,

 

I would have to say that more than anything else I just like the attention from her. My wife and I hardly ever just talk anymore. We spend time together yes, watching TV or a movie, but not alot of just talking. What's worse is when we do talk, neither one of us seems that interested in what the other has to say. The only time we really talk and pay attention is when we are discussing financial problems. That usually just leads to an argument as she is convinced that we are fine financially, while I feel there are financial issues.

 

keenan,

 

I appreciate your post and agree with what you are saying. However, sorting through all the issues and seperating them is extremely difficult. There had been times before all these troubles that I questioned whether I married the right person. But we seemed to be so compatible and for the most part happy together that those feelings quickly went away. While I can remember occasionally wondering what it might be like to be with someone else, I can't recall feeling this strongly about someone else before. The other strange thing was how suddenly the feelings came. I had been talking with her for a couple of months at work, first just in a group and then occasionally just the 2 of us. As recently as early last week the thought of antything happening between us had not even entered my mind. Then Friday after work the thought of not seeing her for a whole weekend drove me crazy. While I know that some of this is a result of my situation, I know that some of it is genuine feelings. What I need to figure out is how much of it is genuine. If it is genuine then doesn't there have to be a deeper issue between my wife and I than just our financial pressures and other problems?

[ramsickle1369]

JVP & Cooolsome,

 

I am also a new member that luckily came accross this site. I am in a similar situation. I have a thread going somewhere on this site...

 

I understand the feelings of needing to have that "me" time. And in NO way are you being selfish. Of course, every situation is distinctly different and this is why there is no "fix all". I am at my wits end. I too feel suffocated and am NOT getting the emotional satisfaction from my husband. I always attributed my sadness and depression to my career, or lack there of. Then my career finally started coming alive (all of two months ago) and I was still VERY SAD. I knew almost instantly that the attraction to this new partner was more than just him. It was the freedom of this path. It was the feeling that I CAN do this on my own. That I do NOT and SHOULD NOT rely on my husband to make me happy. And I realized that I am NOT happy with him.

 

So it begins... all the pains and issues and the inevitable (in my mind anyway) break up. I didn't get the chance to enjoy the college years, and like you, jumped in thinking all those little feelings would magically go away. I too have been and am currently attracted to another. I can't ignore these signs. I have been asking God for YEARS for a clear answer that I will recognize to the question, "Do I belong in this marriage?" And of course, simply ASKING the questions seems to lend the answer.

 

I do believe that you should go to counseling, at least that is what I am doing. And today I told my husband that I do not know that I WANT this to work out. That I am NOT happy, nor have I been. And I want us to go together so that he can see that I am not happy and feel OK with the idea that we may have to separate, and may divorce.

 

Anyway, I know from this board that reading others posts really makes us feel human, and not mean or selfish. I feel that way, too. I still do, every time I think of the other man. In my case, however, it's a new working relationship that I cannot jeopardize--WONT jeopardize!

 

I agree with the fact that YOU have to come to your own decision and simply hearing "work on your marriage", at least for me, makes me sick. Largely because I HAVE and no one seems to get that. BUT, I hope that we can somehow come to terms with what is. And stop beating ourselves up for what isn't. We can only control so much.

 

Lucky for me, we don't have children yet. We have been trying for the last year and nothing happened. I see this as well as a HUGE sign. I was trying to fill a void, trying to do what everyone tells us is "next". No one seemed to even care that this part of our relationship was failing. And I don't believe that no one saw it coming, at least not for me.

 

I feel this overwhelming urge to be on my own. Have ALL my own things, taking care of and supporting myself. Not relying on someone else to pay the bills or clean the house or whatever. Not having a back up plan. Basically, I want to grow up and stop playing house. If I can get to that point, and I still need (physically) my husband, then there's hope. But as of now, I don't see it.

 

I too was very insecure and not the "popular" girl in my otherwise fairly popular high school clan. All the other girls got the attention, the boys asking them out, all that stuff. I never really dated. I regret that and I am tired of regrets. I want to do things that I have always been scared to do. I need to live... The only difference is that I don't WANT it to be with my husband. I am hurting from the years of emotional and physical neglect. I don't think there is saving this one... But stranger things have happened.

 

Sorry to indulge in myself so much, but when I read your post it sounded VERY similar to my situation. The one thing I'd like you to consider is this... If you still have passion for your wife, and can see any glimmer of hope that things could work out, then go to counseling. DRAG both of you there. Even if she doesn't seem to "want" to go. You have to know in your heart that you did everything humanly possible to understand your situation and that your final decision is not made hastily because you feel that "newness" of a new prospect.

 

I do think that you need to be brutally honest with your wife. She deserves and needs to know EXACTLY how you feel. She may have similar feelings. You need to be raw, but respectful. She has feelings too, but you can NOT spare your own for hers. Trust me, it's a recipe for a VERY sad life. Be honest. Be clear. Share what you must. And do spare the feelings for the other woman. That will do nothing but hurt. Only address WHY you think have feelings for another. At least, that's what I'm doing. I was honest with him this morning and though it's painful, it MUST be done. And as sad as it is, I actually feel better... At least he knows.

 

Good luck to you and keep posting... I won't judge anyone, ever! No one is perfect!

 

Thanks to the entire forum as well, your thoughts and advice are amazing! Thank goodness I found you all!

 

All the best to you and yours.

 

One last thing re: the kids, do EVERYTHING in your power to keep them from hearing the fighting or using them as a go between. Coming from a kid who's parents divorced at 1 year old and two parents that to this day 30 years later, STILL can't be in the same room together or talk. Kids need their parents to be cordial at least. They don't deserve those thoughts that mommy and daddy hate each other. It will mess them up REALLY bad, so please be careful and mindful. Especially the older child. She should go to counseling with one if not both of you. ASAP. I'm not sure how it all works, but the kids deserve to feel that it was NOTHING to do with them and even tho parents try to keep them feeling that way, it's not always good to have one of the parents (or both of them) telling the child how to feel. I don't know how exactly to explain it, but I know it is the basis for much of what I'm going through...

 

Much love and hope for a happier future!

[ballerina]

JVP, I suggest that you mature and stop escaping real life instead of facing life. Did you try to connect with your wife and help cook dinner or do laundry. These simple tasks create a bond between you and her. I think you are afraid of living and the easy way to occupy your mind is to think about a sexy woman at work and feel prowd of yourself that she confined in you for helping her. It will be very hard to mature and move to another level of adulthood. If you don't you will be a teenager all your life or at least for a while.

[ailsagirl]

Without going into great detail, I will tell you that I fell in love with an older, married man at my place of work. He had a terrible relationship with his wife; in fact, the woman was known around the office by various crude descriptions, and he came to the office every day with a new horror story of her mental/physical cruelty to him and his children. As I worked alongside him I became a moral support (I use the word "moral" loosely, sad to say) and we became close. Very close. Sigh. It's a very ugly story and I'm not proud to tell it. Anyway, the short version is this: his wife discovered that he was planning to leave her, and suddenly after a decade of misery, she decided she wanted him to stay. She entered counseling both with and without him. At first he didn't believe that she could change, but he very soon realized that she was going to make a sincere effort. That was when I, his "soulmate" and "true wife" and "love of (his) life" suddenly became disposable. And he was gone. No calls, email blocked, nada. Gone.

 

I'm not saying I didn't deserve this treatment. I'm not saying that at all. But I will tell you that it has been the most painful experience of my life and I ended up in the psychiatrist's office and on medication. Right now I think I will never recover. I hope I'm wrong.

 

Why am I telling you this? Because your situation does not involve merely yourself and your wife. There are the feelings of this other young lady to consider. No doubt you recognize this on some level, but how thoroughly have you thought it through? Because I can tell you, she really doesn't deserve to get caught up in the middle of your marital problems... I tell you this with all due compassion and respect for your position.

 

Thanks for reading.