My wife wants to leave for a weekend (No questions asked)

[needherlove]

Maybe you should know the story.

 

We've been married for 9 years and I thought there was nothing wrong with us, I even thought it was too perfect. We had our ups and downs but I never thought it was nothing too serious.

 

Until about three months ago it all started (my mistake) when I stumbled on to the opportunity to log on to an e-mail account (that looked too suspicious) of hers that I didn't know about and I found out she had been communicating with a guy friend of hers. I told her about me finding out and she freaked and told me that he was just a friend that she had known for about a year but then I screwed it up again because I spyed on her then told her about it because I didn't like what I was reading. She of course was pissed and started watching her back. I then thought it was good for me to meet this friend of hers but she refused & needed time and I then screwed up making it my business to find out a way to call him and talk to him and even e-mail him. I did and it went well, I didn't meet him in person but He seemed like a good person and I even took advise from him and he told me that they where just friends and that he would not tell me what they talked about like he wouldn't tell her what we talked about. It went well for a while but then I found out they would go out to eat and send text messages (a lot of them) and e-mails. It was all too much for me. What really bust my bubble was that one night he had sent her a Text message at 3:00AM (I work 10-12 hrs a day) and she answered it insted of sleeping and I don't know what got in to me that I just got angry and screamed at her and took a swing at the wall punching a hole on the sheet rock and called him, he did not answer, I left him a message telling him all sorts of bad things I can't remember. Then I found out he told her that I messed up on trying to be his friend. That that was it. I haven't really tried to go down that path any more but after all that happened things have been bad, she doesn't trust me any more and I don't feel like I've known her any more. We are close but at a distant.

 

She tells me that I, for our whole marriage, been a control freak. (She never brought that up before) She is probably right. She tells me that I've always wanted to know what she spent the money on and how much and where she was at all times and with who. She is probably right about every thing but it wasn't like that. I had always kept track of the bills and the budget to make sure we had enough money to get by. I'm 30 years old and in 3 years I'll pay off the 30 year mortgage on our 7 year home. I've been very responsible but she had never been interested in being part of the finances decisions other that spent money every time she needed (now more than ever due to her sadness). I know I'm probably a complicated control freak but she never tried to be part of it or try to change it for both our needs. And now she tells me. I always thought I gave her what she needed. But now I think I understand. I screwed up on not asking the right questions and paying attention to her actions. Another thing is that I'm a boring guy and never really filled her needs. I'm not a going out to dance or social kind of guy because I was always thinking I was so different and wanted her to see me as a center of attention and I was wrong in being like that. So I guess it's too late now.

 

Even more now that I confessed to her that I cheated on her twice with the only type of gals that would pay attention to me by ether paying or having them drunk. She actually took that very well, I guess I thought she was going to leave me but she sort of understood me. I wasn't proud of what I had done. Now after few months.

 

She wants to take off a weekend from her routine and go (I don't know where) and come back in a few nights. What do I do. She is a different person now, I feel like I don't know her. I'm going crazy and I'm afraid to loose her. I don't know where she is going and why or with who. Her friend? Dancing maybe? If she needs to do that why not come back that same night? I'm lost and if I keep on like this I'm afraid to loose her. Should I leave her to what she wants to do and just wait. I love her so much and now all she tells me is "me too" She is also seeing a physiologist when I think I'm the one that needs the help.

 

What do I do now?

[OceanEyes]

Not to be a total downer here, but your marriage seems like it's either over, or on the way out.

 

You're admitting that you've been a control freak for 9 years and that you've either paid for prostitutes or gotten girls drunk to have sex with them. Not that I'm judging, but how can you expect someone to understand that and be able to move on and be normal? Or even semi-normal? Plus, if she wasn't even upset about that, chances are pretty good that she's cheating already herself, or she simply doesn't care enough to get worked up about it.

 

The only way you're going to work this out is with your wife. If you want to stay married to her, I would suggest that you guys sit down and talk -- then get yourselves some serious therapy. Either way I don't see how a marriage like this can be repaired. Too far gone.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Dude, I strongly suggest you let her go. No matter the outcome. I know your instinct tells you to fight it and try to get her to stay but you need to loosen your grip. Even if you are really not controlling, she feels like you are. She's fighting for her independence and the tighter you hold on, the more she's gonna fight for it.

 

Like the song says, "Hold on loosely, but don't let go, if you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control"

 

She needs her space and time and she's going to take it with or with out your permission. I think the best thing you can do is let her know you want her to come back. Tell her that if and when she's ready you are willing to work on whatever issues the marriage has to keep it together.

 

I think it would do you and her some good if she feels like you support her need for space. If she is seeing someone else, you'll have to deal with that when you find out for sure. But for now, support her.

[friscodj]

Hey...welcome to ENA needherlove! I'm sorry you are joining us under such grim circumstances...

 

Well, from reading your post, one thing really, really jumped out at me: she took the news of you cheating on her very well. This is huge.

 

This tells me that either she: a) is cheating or has cheated on you too, which is why she "understands", and/or b) she doesn't care anymore. I mean, what loving and devoted wife would take this very well, let alone understand?!?!?!?!

 

In either case above, I really think this one is done my friend. You should talk about it at least though...

 

You show amazing insight with your assessment of yourself and what you think happened. I'd take that positivity out of all this if possible...

[Danny H]

needherlove, I have to concur with all the other posters.

 

the more you chase the more she'll run.

here is my post, our situations are very similar I too ran the finances ( and now I'm told that I had all the control )

[needherlove]

Thank you all for taking time to read this...and for your responce.

 

Oceaneyes,

Yes you are probably right about this situation I'm having, I've been blind in knowing that she was fine with the life we had. Now I just feel sad because our 8-year-old son has to suffer too. We have ignored him so much these last few months and he too has changed and it’s all because of this.

 

I did admit to cheating on her but never did get any one drunk to sleep with me. I've never been the kind of guy to initiate a conversation or get girls to talk to me it was just that one time that that woman was drunk and came up to me and I just didn't know what to do. It was only a quick situation and that was the extents of it. I felt bad about it and then a few years after that I paid, yes; I paid some one in Mexico for pleasure that made me feel like I never wanted to do that again. I'm just a bore.

 

Ta ree saw,

I'm not getting in her way; I just plan on telling her "that I hope she finds what ever it is she is looking for" Physically or Mentally

 

Thanks Again

[OceanEyes]

Well, I hope that for the sake of your son, you two can find a way to get along, and to be reasonable for his sake.

 

I don't think that you're a bad guy at all. However, we know very little about the 'big picture' when it comes to your marriage and what it will take to get back on track, if that's an option.

 

The part that really sends up a red flag is that she didn't seem phased negatively when you confessed about the cheating. Unless you already had some type of agreement, the normal response when you care about someone, is to be hurt/ confused/ jealous. Unless of course, there is a big portion of those loving emotions missing, or she's guilty of some extra-marrital activity herself. Either way, it will only be resolved by the two of you coming together and finding some type of common ground.

[votregitan]

Awww I'm most sorry to hear about your son having to go through this. As for your wife, well hun it definitely sounds like it's over. Like OceanEyes said she wasn't too bothered by your infidelity, well she probably thinks it would be ok for her to do too then. And her wanting to leave for a few days alone.... I truly wish you the best.

 

V

[the yang to the worlds yin]

sorry to say, but it sounds like you've both broken each others trust and really don't know where you stand. if i had been her, and been told the guy i loved slept with another woman i would have been absolutely heart broken, the fact that she took it well, means she's probably just not letting you really into her life anymore

[tyler711]

I was rolling right along with that story until I read that you cheated too. you come accross to me as intelligent, honest and self-controlled. You guys are on equal grounds now. You both had your trust shattered. Nobody can tell you what to do, but I will share my opinion for what it's worth. I think you should let your wife do her thing for the weekend, and when she gets back sit her down and tell her what you wrote up there ^. Be completely honest, and ask her to be as well. Maybe there is a small chance to be able to work things out, even if it's just for the kid. Or maybe not. Either way you look at it, your marriage is going to really change. No one here can tell you what will happen. Whatever happens needs to be decided by both you and your wife.

[needherlove]

Well now I found out that my confession did bother her a great deal. She confessed to me that she can't bear to see me most of the time (I'm not at home but for about 4hrs a day) and that the only reason she hasn't left is because she doesn’t have a job to look out for herself. I feel like I already lost her and when I thought she didn't love me before now I do realize she did and who I'm about to loose. And I can't seem to make the right decisions any more. Every thing I do now seems negative b/c now I feel her more distant and keep on feeling her further and further away. I screwed it all up.

[friscodj]

I screwed it all up.

 

Well, things certainly don't sound good right now, but if the relationship was great and perfect to begin with, then you probably wouldn't have cheated in the first place...

 

I think your actions were in part due to the fact that the relationship has been not working for a long time. You did make mistakes, we all make mistakes, but they're done and it does no good to beat yourself up over them...

 

I really do wish you guys the best...I hope a peaceful and amicable resolution can be reached inside or outside of marriage for the sake of your child if noone else...