Would you consider being married & having children in this lifestyle?

[KIDD]

I always pondered what I would do if my lover one days decides to propose to me? Would you accept or would you decline? I don't know if I would want to be married since I am gay. It just seems like marriage would complicate things not only for me, but for my family & my lover's family. I would like to live with my lover,however I wonder how would it work out? I mean for one, I don't think I'd ever come out to my whole family. There will probably be times they will visit & they will start to wonder why is that other guy always living with me? I guess if I do decide to live or perhaps get married, I think I will have no choice but to come clean to my family..

 

On another topic, I really think I would like to have children someday.Not adopt children. But to actually have my own children that share my flesh & blood as well as my lovers. This also causes problems also. I mean would my lover feel the same way about wanting children? How will I explain to my family that I am having children? Especially not the old fashioned way? But then again, I don't want my children to be treated differently because they're family is different from others. It would be awkward in so many ways..

 

I know I'm only 19 & I really don't need to think about things like that but I wonder when the time does come, how will all of this play out?

 

Does anyone else think about things like this & how would you handle these situations?

[RayKay]

My brother and his partner are currently living together and planning on getting married down the road, they have had a couple friends get married in the last year (in Ontario).

 

They also plan on having children through surrogacy and adoption, which is fantastic as my brother will be a remarkable parent (as will his partner).

 

My family is all very supportive of his dreams and goals.

 

You are still pretty young, and still coming out to people in your life, I really don't think you should worry too much about it. Even as a straight girl I was not even thinking of marriage at 19 years old! As you get older, you may become more comfortable with the idea or not, you may meet the person whom makes you want to get married...thinking in hypotheticals can be kind of tough until you ARE in that situation.

 

I think just as with straight couples, it depends on the persons involved. I think perhaps it is more "expected" of straight couples to get married, however I think if you want to be married and have children, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and just as with straight people, it's important you find someone whom shares your goals and beliefs.

[Jinx]

You know I was just thinking about this the other day myself when I was thinking about my future career and the whole relocation business.

 

I don't honestly know about marriage, it just seems like even if gay marriage was given to states outside of the few which accept it, I think it would take years for most people to even view it as mainstream or accepted unless you're already in an open minded state as is. I can see good and I can see bad.

 

Marriage is considered the ultimate picture of commitment to a partner for life, which is a nice concept for me. Now the bad part is, for everyone who doesn't approve of it, just makes a huge deal that gay marriage, people are only out for the benefits they would get and who knows if they're actually in love.

 

I think they need an entirely different system of "marriage" for gay couples. Okay, in heterosexual terms the woman gets the man's last name. There are also certain traditions that just stick. Well, what about gay couples? They get married but I don't think there is anything that shows that same name change commitment. I've only seen this when they have a child and hyphenate the last names of the two involved.

 

Secondly, on the note of a different system, again I think gay marriage would always receive resistance and marriage already has its own stereotype and things that just aren't going to work with the same sex couple, unless changes are made. With a different name and system which offered about the same value in the overall analysis, I think that might go off a lot better. Gay marriage is a lot less scary to people than Gay and Civil Union. Then again I could very well be wrong that say if Civil Union reached the same exact status (or an alternative more so) that people wouldn't act odd about it. At least in that way, they couldn't say it was hurting the straight marriage, because they'd be two entirely different branches on a base level.

 

The only thing is, on that note of benefits, the true couples that were together for the love and not abusing the system would want that, just like married couples, but again so many changes would be needed for something as that and acceptance, well thats another topic for another day.

 

Of course I'm off on a pointless ramble here. I think for myself, that the idea of marriage is noble but I don't know if I'd want to mess with it. So many things happen, I see results of marriages gone sour and it isn't pretty. Secondly you need all the legal work and that nonsense to deal with it. In just being commited partners for years, you can still be together 10, 20 years however like couples are when married BUT you don't have the same deal of strings attached. Really, when I break up with someone the last thing I want to deal with is, "This goes with you, this goes with me, wait, hey! Thats mine! You can't claim it!" and all that jazz.

 

Maybe its just the fact anymore I'm hearing more people saying, "I'm getting divorced." than "I'm getting married."

 

As for children, I'm on a different note here but try to keep it as similar as possible. I've never had an urge for biological children, my family's health record when you go into the doctor is more like, "How about I just check what we don't have..." and I needn't put that on a child all those possibilities.

 

Secondly, heh, birthing in our family is a joke. I don't think there has been an all natural birth since the birth of technology. We have a fairly common history of: Premature births, C-Sections, Miscarriages, and the list goes on but those are the three main evils. I don't think any of my relatives have had anything other than a C-Section due to mild to severe complications, the latter is more common. Its bad when your relatives read about C-Section's and get family advice on it instead of natural possibilties.

 

Anyhow, so for myself, I've only ever dreamed of adoption, it really isn't just because it is the most logical but its what I really find interested in.

 

I think the key is just early on letting the topic of children out, because straight or gay, if you're clicking right along perfectly with your new boyfriend/girlfriend however and suddenly children topic comes up later on, one wants kids and one wants nothing to do with them, what do you do then? Personally, wanting a child in the future when I'm stable and financially as well off as possible and suitable position to be the best mother possible, if I find a girlfriend somewhere in the middle of all this, I'm going to make it clear that we have: Child or Relationship. Balance. Sorry, unequal. The first is more important to me. I'd rather be a single mother than go my life in a relationship where I'll never have that chance because the partner does not have the same ideals.

 

As for Biological children, they do have the surrogate option but as I hear lately, they're leading people further away from it due to sudden ethical and legal issues that may come about during the procedure. (Surrogate mother carries baby for two gay men for nine months then decides she is attached, legally biologically it is theirs but physically hers. Suit. Legal mess.) Heard that from a lot of people lately actually, is there a major case like this going on that anyone knows of? Because I find it odd that suddenly it is such a huge topic. Suppose that just means be selective. Though from articles I've read, if you are out in liberal states or at least a liberal area there are clinics and places where you can go that deal with these issues of having children when you're not having children so to speak.

[renaissancewoman101]

My best friend is still very much in the closet. Not many people know he is gay and he wants to keep it that way. He does want a son eventually and he has talked about it, but he wants to go the way of getting a surrogate parent to have the child and then my best friend and I would raise the kid. It would give the appearance of normalcy, sort of. His bf doesnt want kids at all because he is self-centered and wants all the attention from my best friend.

[keenan]

I've been to two gay weddings: one five years ago for two of my closest guy friends; another a few months ago for a dear female friend and her (now) wife. They were, frankly, the best two marriage ceremonies I've ever attended. It was wonderful to see the outpouring of love and support from their gathered friends and family--even family members who had flown in from other, less liberal parts of the country and for whom gayness and the whole gay marriage phenomena are slightly uncomfortable novelties to be whispered about in the hotel room the night before the ceremony. One of the luxuries of living where I do is that few people seem to bother with being in the closet (over the age of 20 or so, I guess), and few people bat an eye when gay friends discuss marriage and children. The conversations become more about *marriage* and *children* than *gay marriage* and *gay people having children*. I'm sure there are many more issues that I'm not aware of, and conversations that I'm not privy to, but I do at least know that my friends are very happily married.

[FoxLocke]

Kidd, I often wonder about this. I am only a few years older than you(but, it feels like, rapidly approaching **gasp** 30!)but the issue does cross my mind.

 

I would definitely like to find Mr. Right For Me and settle down. Frankly, the whole deal about a wedding would not bother me. However, it would be nice to have a nice, quaint, committment ceremony and invite close friends and relatives to share in our love. However, I wonder if I want a ceremony because of societal norms or my OWN longing to get hitched someday? Hmmm I dunno...

 

I would like to have kids. I love kids, and I am considering surogacy because it is so hard for gays to adopt in peace(all the crazy fundies out there). But, ironically, I am thinking of having dogs and cats. I know it sounds weird, but I feel like can be just as happy(if not moreso caring for felines and canines)...I had a dog(whom, sadly, I had to part with about 3 weeks ago)and he was my heart. I loved him like I did a family member, and I have been grief stricken since his departure.

So I wonder would I be just as happy with my man and alot of pets? LOL. I think I really would.

 

Procreating doesn't really matter that much to me anymore. I do love children, but I'm going to be a school teacher anyway...So I'll, technically, have kids. If you look at it from that point of view.

[Seko]

Sorry, I'm not going to address the issue of marriage because others have written a lot on it already, but as for the children thing...while surrogate mothers could be a problem (with them getting attached) and adoption might be hard as a gay couple...I know some couples (granted, these were lesbian couples) who used their sibling to have a baby with their partner. For example, if one woman had a brother, they would use his semen to fertilize the partner's egg. That way, the bloodlines of both women is used to make the baby. It's quite a bit harder as a man, but I was thinking perhaps if whoever you decide to stay with for life (or possibly marry) has a sister, you could ask her to carry your child?

[UT]

I've only read the title and though I'd make a fast reply since I only got like 10 min.

 

However. Yes... I would like to have children and be married in the future and hopefully I'll be married to my boyccent boyfriend. I never want him to be my former or ex boyfriend. He's a great guy and I know he would be a great father. I think I would be... well I'm caring and stuff you I think I would be a pretty good father as well however we are talking about the future now. I'm way too young to have children and he's even younger so no not yet. married... to him, definetly. I love him so much but it's not the right time for that either.

 

But I'm an atheist. So should I marry? I don't really need that to show my love but it helps. I want to prove to the world that I love him more than I love anything else and I want to make sure he knows I love him so much and I want... I don't know. it would be a proof of my love for him. I would proudly call him my husband and he believes in god. I have to respect that.

 

Even though -I- don't believe in god doesn't mean that he can or the I will forbid him to have his beliefs.

[drjqd112804]

Yes. I would get married to my boyfriend.

 

We have been together for a year and a 3 months now. Im 18, hes 17. We were both 16 when we met.

 

I love him more than anything and anyone. I have given up everything for him. I ran away w/ him, dropped out of school (though i recently just started again), quit multiple jobs, dropped all my friends, dont talk to my family anymore just because all of those things got in our way. He did the same for me w/ the exception of his family (and im talking to mine again).

 

We are always talkin bout getting married. But since hes still 17 we havnt proposed. I kinda want him to.. We already got promise rings that we chose together. Now we just gotta get engagement rings.

 

When we get married i do want a child one day. Maybe more than one, im not sure.

 

I know he wants a kid too - i can tell from how he acts w/ his newphew and neice. I love him deeply.

 

We would do anythying for eachother and we prove it to eachother all the time. We live together and work together - pretty much spend 24 hours a day together.

 

 

[KIDD]

Interesting responses! I think maybe my main fear is never finding someone & I'll end up being a bitter 70 year old man with just an old cat named Fluffy lol.I really would like to have a family someday. I really wish it wouldn't have to be more of an obstacle. I just wish it could be rather simple than hard.

[UT]

you will meet someone. I'm just happy to have found someone before I'm even out if school. out main problem is the distance but I'm going to try and go to the same collage as he does. But, you will find someone. as long as you want to. I was in to try and find me a steady relationship from the start and Now I've met the man of my dreams. you'll find someone too. someone you'll you love and someone who will love you too. good luck man and take care.

[tyler711]

So, who gets to be the groom?

[keenan]

Oh, THAT'S original.

[Prufrock06]

Yes, I'm going to get married. Even if it's not officially recognized by the government, I'm still going to wear a wedding band and refer to my spouse as my husband and not my life partner. I'd like to have a kid or two down the road and I've resigned myself to not caring so much about the fact that my children probably won't be biologically mine. There are so many kids already in the world who need good homes and loving families (regardless of gender) and being a parent or a child is so much more than the fact of having a similar genetic code.