She thought I wasn't interested......(but, I am)

[Lansing]

So, I have been debating whether to post this thread. It feels kind of weird posting my "story" especially wondering if she might eventually ever read this somehow!

 

Anyway, I dated a girl for about a month at the start of the year. We went on 6+ dates... We are both in our late 20s..... Anyway, a few weeks back, she calls and says stuff like "I am feeling a friendly vibe from you" and, at the time, I never really questioned her about it because I assumed she meant "I feel like you aren't into me" based on some other stuff she has told me during our times together and during that conversation. So, I tried confirming that I liked her (I said "I like you and I wanted to get to know you slowly",etc,etc... (I wasn't being very aggresive with regards to physical intimacy.. I was happy taking things slowly... hand holding, kissing,etc).... So, I was a bit confused when she called me last time, and I sort of assumed a bit from the conversation as I needed to think over what she said a bit to grasp it. Well, I left it for a week (told her she could call me if she wanted to hang out again....) and then I ended up sending her a small little card for Valentine's day card saying I was thinking of her and that I hoped to hear from her soon.

 

Well, she didn't respond so I called the following week and left a message. No response....(it has been a week). In the message I said I was hoping to talk to her that night and for her to call me when she got the message.....

 

Obviously, I can't type all the details.... But, I personally get the sense that she feels like I rejected her... (she was saying stuff about how we didn't really communicate during the week during out dates, (i.e.. I didn't call her enough), and how she felt like a puppy dog with me coming around taking her out on the weekend, how she felt inadequate from my teasing/jokes,etc). BTW, she is new to the city (i.e. moved into her new place in December) and she doesn't really know many people...

 

So, I am wondering how I should proceed. I really want to talk to her. I enjoy her company, and even if she doesn't want to hang out as BF/GF that would be cool with me as I like her as a person and things didn't move too far physically for me to make that change...... But, I am confused why she didn't call me back. I don't know if she is nervous about what I have to say (I feel bad for not addressing her concerns,etc when she called me last time, but, I was reallly confused and needed time to think about what I wanted...). Well, now I figured, I really want to continue seeing her, but, she doesn't seem to want to contact/return my contact!

 

I am deciding if I should call her again or just leave it be...(EDIT - and if I do call her.. well, if she is screening my call and doesn't answer.. what is the best way to get through to her... I.e. should I tell her my thoughts in the voicemail... or should I maybe e-mail her?)

[Lansing]

Thanks for the response BeachDude..... I just started reading your thread "Why??" just now..... How did you find out she has a BF now?? I hope things go better for you in 2006... 2006 was starting out well for me, but, then a bunch of stuff changed!

 

 

blah, I am so confused......

 

[PocoDiablo]

Here's my take on it...

 

she calls and says stuff like "I am feeling a friendly vibe from you"

You got dumped right there. She basically said "You have not made a move towards intimacy, I take it that you don't like me, you have insulted me, I am dumping you."

 

I wasn't being very aggresive with regards to physical intimacy.. I was happy taking things slowly... hand holding, kissing,etc)....

But she wanted more. The problem here is that you did not act like a normal hot-blooded man who wanted an adult and intimate relationship like most men she has been with - or at least that is what her expectation was - so she decided to go find a guy who would treat her like a woman, and not a little girl.

 

I ended up sending her a small little card for Valentine's day card saying I was thinking of her and that I hoped to hear from her soon.

 

Well, she didn't respond so I called the following week and left a message. No response....(it has been a week). In the message I said I was hoping to talk to her that night and for her to call me when she got the message.....

She is politely dumping you because you treated her like a little girl, or like a woman who was not attractive enough for you to make a move. It came accross as a lack of confidence, or more likely as insecurity, and that means you're not ready for a mature relationship to her. Any time a woman feels like she has more power in the relationship, there is a good chance she's going to dump you. Remember, women want a mature and strong man, not an adult child who kisses her behind.

 

I personally get the sense that she feels like I rejected her... (she was saying stuff about how we didn't really communicate during the week during out dates, (i.e.. I didn't call her enough), and how she felt like a puppy dog with me coming around taking her out on the weekend, how she felt inadequate from my teasing/jokes,etc).

Yup, you rejected her by not making a move. However, the not calling her enough should have been replied to with a "Hey, you know, you could call ME too! " and some other light flirting. Sounds like you also got too serious with her, and it got to therapy zone real quick. That's also a relationship killer. If you talk serious all the time and don't flirt and joke, then what fun is it for her? FRIENDS do that, which is probably why you go friendzoned. She did not want a friend, she wanted a lover.

 

So, I am wondering how I should proceed. I really want to talk to her. I enjoy her company, and even if she doesn't want to hang out as BF/GF that would be cool with me as I like her as a person and things didn't move too far physically for me to make that change......

You don't proceed. You just said it yourself - you want to hang out and talk with her. She's made it clear she wants more, and she can see through your confusion and realizes that she does not want to sit around with a guy who talks about boring stuff. She wants a man to ignite her passion, be romantic, and have an exciting time with! You cannot deliver that, and you've proven it, so for her to spend ANY time with you would prevent her from meeting Mr. Right.

 

But, I am confused why she didn't call me back. I don't know if she is nervous about what I have to say (I feel bad for not addressing her concerns,etc when she called me last time, but, I was reallly confused and needed time to think about what I wanted...). Well, now I figured, I really want to continue seeing her, but, she doesn't seem to want to contact/return my contact!

Plain and simple - she is not interested. This is the polite way for a woman to dump you. If you saw her in person and asked her out, I'd guarantee she'd give you an excuse as to why she could not make it.

 

I am deciding if I should call her again or just leave it be...

Leave it be. Learn your lesson. Move on. You basically insulted her, and it's too late to do anything about that now. You do need to be more careful about the messages you send through your actions (or, in this case, inactions) because women pick up on it a lot better than us dumb guys do.

[Bethany]

I have to agree with Poco, although I wouldn't go so far as say you insulted her. But to a hot-blooded woman, she doesn't WANT to hear that you want to "take it slowly" or that "You know where I am if you want me". She wants to hear and feel that you can't keep away from her and that You KNOW where she is and are coming to get her!!!!.

I guess she just didn't feel that from you hence the friendly vibe thing.

[Lansing]

Thanks for everyone's response

 

I felt things were moving too quick and it made me hesitate because I didn't know her well enough to move things along....

 

I should say that I just "kissed and held hands"... Things were a lot more physical than that, but, no sex..... I am catholic, and I want to wait for a serious commitment before that... But, since things were at an early stage I didn't know how to communicate that.

 

I want to clarify that I was FAR from serious with her... We joked and laughed all the time. I was far from a wuss with respect to doing everything she wanted. I just didn't want to have sex with her at this point.

 

I guess I was hesistant because I wasn't sure if she had the morals/values that I was looking for in a "Relationship" but, we hadn't had any real "serious" conversations about that type of thing. Instead, they were all playfull and joking.....

 

I think that she has some issues about feeling insecure. She always seemed to be trying to figure out if I was "into her". But, I was thinking that I showed her this by inviting her out to things (i.e. it wasn't me paying/taking her out.. it was us doing things together, enjoying each other's time together). She also questioned me about an evening where she had to cancel on me and asked who I took .... I was joking around and said "oh, another girl... I had to find someone else after you cancelled on me"... In retrospect, it was dumb thing but, I was just playing around (and, I was being honest... I did take a girl that I had met a few months back but never went out with.... It was just as "friends" even though I had been interested in her before..)

 

So, bottom line, I didn't want to have sex with her (not like she asked me to... that was just the vibe I was getting), but, at the same time, I wasn't sure if she wanted to have sex with me (even though she invited me to stay over.. it could have been an innocent "sleep " invite). So, I didn't want to jump to conclusions and say "no sex" (I guess I could have joked about her not getting me in bed so easily!)...

 

I am a pretty sarcastic person and she told me she finds me witty.. but, I think because of her insecurities if I was "into" her, it made her confused....

 

So, any way of saving this? I still don't want to have sex with her.. But, I do want to spend time with her in a "Relationship"... I just didn't know what she was looking for, and for a girl, she seemed a bit too overly physical at the start. So, I was trying to figure out if it was because she really lked "me" and was attracted to me, or, if was just that she was horny... haha

[sara-pezzini]

in my opinion,and my experience,it's never too late to turn a situation around,I think there could still be hope but you need to be clear with her,she is probably so insecure right now,wondering if you were playing her along,so my advice,be honest with her,tell her how you feel and what you want.

if she rejects you then,then at least you know for sure and won't need to wonder about everything...

because at this point you also already have lost her,so it can't get any worse right?and if you feel she is worth the effort,then make the effort one more time and be clear!!goodluck!!

[MeHim]

I'd give her a call, and talk ot leave her a message saying "listen i'd really like to take this where i wanted to go in the first place but, didn't get the chance to." etc etc

[Venturer]

you said: "even though she invited me to stay over"

 

Well, I think she wanted you to spend the night... and you didn't.

[PocoDiablo]

I am catholic, and I want to wait for a serious commitment before that... But, since things were at an early stage I didn't know how to communicate that.

I think you needed to tell her that. By not telling her that, you essentially lied by omission and led her on. Tsk, tsk. I bet if you told her she would have either (1) left or (2) been more understanding. That's an important thing to tell people.

 

I guess I was hesistant because I wasn't sure if she had the morals/values that I was looking for in a "Relationship" but, we hadn't had any real "serious" conversations about that type of thing. Instead, they were all playfull and joking.....

Well, at some point on a date you do need to ask people about that kind of stuff. If you avoid it all, what's the point of a date? Most people think it's just for sex, so again I think you may have led her on a little there, too.

 

I think that she has some issues about feeling insecure. She always seemed to be trying to figure out if I was "into her".

No, that's a pretty normal thing for women to feel, in my opinion. And it's valid, too, as she may have wanted to get to know you a lot better, get married, etc., like most women think about.

 

She also questioned me about an evening where she had to cancel on me and asked who I took .... I was joking around and said "oh, another girl... I had to find someone else after you cancelled on me"... In retrospect, it was dumb thing

Oh, yeah.... bad move. Kind of a slap in the face. I would not recommend you talk about any other women with anyone you are dating, just like how you would not want to hear how she spent the night at some guys house....

 

I think because of her insecurities if I was "into" her, it made her confused....

Well, in a way, she was trying to find out if you were serious, or if she was just a fling. Seems pretty reasonable to me, don't you think?

 

So, any way of saving this? I still don't want to have sex with her.. But, I do want to spend time with her in a "Relationship"... I just didn't know what she was looking for, and for a girl, she seemed a bit too overly physical at the start. So, I was trying to figure out if it was because she really lked "me" and was attracted to me, or, if was just that she was horny... haha

Sure, if you came clean with her. Sounds like she is looking for more than you want to give though, so I would not want to be the one to hold her back.

[fishrrshortae]

Wow, Poco just wrote the book on women. Well done!

[knglerxt]

Hold on, now. You act like it's all his fault or something. I don't think he insulted her at all. They just weren't very compatible. He wanted to take it slow; she didn't.

 

If not making a move is some form of insult, then I'm screwed. If or when I meet a girl I'm attracted to, I'm not going to be physical with her the first few times we're together. I have to be comfortable around someone before I can do that. That's just the way I am.

[PocoDiablo]

Hold on, now. You act like it's all his fault or something. I don't think he insulted her at all. They just weren't very compatible. He wanted to take it slow; she didn't.

 

If not making a move is some form of insult, then I'm screwed. If or when I meet a girl I'm attracted to, I'm not going to be physical with her the first few times we're together. I have to be comfortable around someone before I can do that. That's just the way I am.

Well, he may not have insulted her, but it *is* a very real possibility. Most people have this silly tendency to think "What's wrong with me? Why aren't they making a move? Don't they like me? I must be too ugly, too fat, too stupid or something. I knew it! "

 

The problem was, in my opinion, is that he did not make his intentions clear. This is a MUST in my book.

 

As far as not making a move ... you don't have to have sex, but you do have to let her know what's going on otherwise ....

 

 

There's the latest real world example. I've seen this almost every week when I come here. It's out there, it's real, and to deny it ... well, yeah, maybe you are screwed in a way! Hey, no, really, it just means you need to find someone who is on the same page as you and with whom you can clearly communicate your needs. But you DO have to communicate them.

[Lansing]

Well. I can say the same thing about her. She didn't communicate her "needs". All she did was invite me to sleep over.. .. when she brought up the issue of the "Friendly" vibe, I told her that I was just looking to take things slowly and get to know her better and that I liked her. But, I appreciate Poco's comments. As he says to others , it is a lesson learnt. I had the opposite problem before (like many years ago) where, I would communicate too much that I liked a girl (i.e. buy a girl flowers,etc too early on), and.. I guess now I have gone a bit too far to the other extreme.

[venus777]

personally, i'd think it's awesome if a guy didn't want to have sex with me so soon. guys always want to jump in my pants on like the first or the second date and it's annoying. i'm really flattered if a guy doesn't want to, actually HAPPY if he doesn't. i'm personally really keen on a guy that i've hung out with three times and he hasn't kissed me but we just held hands. i've got the hots for him, and i'm sure when we DO decide to go there it'll be even better for having waited...

so, don't feel bad, i don't think you did anything wrong, she didn't communicate properly her own needs either. i'd move on personally, you've already made the right about of contact, she should know you are interested in her!!!

[Lansing]

Any suggestions on how to get through to her that I really do like her. I am thinking I will call her this week. But, I am worried her machine will pick up (i.e. that she may be screening calls).... I am not sure if I want to explain everything on her voicemail!! Maybe I should send an e-mail instead??

[sara-pezzini]

the e-mail is a good idea to explain things,without the chance that you forget something or stutter because of the nerves...but I think that sending her an actual postcard instead of an e-mail is much more personal and romantic,I hate using e-mail to get my feelings accross and my boyfriend also appreciates my postcards more...just a suggestion!goodluck!!

[Lansing]

I decided to e-mail her. I didn't "dump" everything on her. I tried to make the e-mail short enough to get her attention and have her call me back. I feel more at ease now... I have made my effort and if she isn't interested, well, that is her decision.

 

Now, I can't use the excuse in the future of "well, what if I had....."... I have done all I can.. It is up to her now.

[Dating Coach]

She isn't interested. If she was interested she wouldn't have given up or made excuses like she has. I don't care what she says, her actions are what you want to pay attention to and her actions are screaming, "Not interested!". Sorry brother, but if you keep persuing someone who isn't biting, it's going to look very desperate, needy, and clingy.

 

If you want more info on what could have gone wrong I would recommend going to there are plenty of good articles posted there that can help you.

[Lansing]

The question is why she changed her interest level... She was definitely interested as she was physically aggressive at the start and I could tell there was attraction there. I held back because I didn't want things to go to a sexual situation so soon. I know that if I had pursued the physical aspect more I probably wouldn't be in my spot. Regardless, I am not going to chase her. I have only tried to call her once over the last month and that was two weeks ago. This e-mail is my last contact towards her as if she doesn't respond, I have no respect for her even as a friend. Plenty of other girls out there.

[Dating Coach]

Who knows exactly why she did it. It could be a number of things. You should check out that website I listed and read a fews of the articles, you may find your answers there if a situation looks familiar to you.

[Lansing]

Well... According to that site, I did everything right.... Except not escalating the phsyical aspects. I didn't want to have sex with her at this stage so I kept things under control. She enjoyed spending time with me, I am clear of that. If anything, she was very insecure about herself. I think she had anxieties hanging around me as she couldn't figure out I was "into" her as much as she is used to guys being into her. I feel like I am starting not to trust girls now. She was all complimenting me and stuff all the time but in the end, she flaked out in a weird way...

 

It would be nice to be able to talk to her and clarify some stuff.. but, the reality is, it looks like she might have made up her mind that I wasn't into her and has moved on.

[chaos]

That's probably a defense mechanism on her part. It's probably safe to say almost everybody has had their heart broken and we all know that it's the worst pain you can imagine. Naturally we're all going to be really cautious so as to avoid that pain in the future. Unfortunately for you, it's easier for her to convince herself you're not interested than to risk letting you in and possibly getting hurt again. It's hard to trust after something like that. I'm doing the same thing right now... I've met what seems like a great girl, but my fear or getting hurt has me questioning every action, wondering if there's ulterior motives, if she's just messing with my head. Maybe you should direct her to this site... I think everyone could benefit from the wisdom here.

[PocoDiablo]

Well. I can say the same thing about her. She didn't communicate her "needs".

Since when are women supposed to do that? That would make them appear to be promiscuous, which is the last thing most women want to do.

 

All she did was invite me to sleep over.. .. when she brought up the issue of the "Friendly" vibe, I told her that I was just looking to take things slowly

Slowly? Maybe she took that the wrong way? You never know...

 

and get to know her better and that I liked her. But, I appreciate Poco's comments. As he says to others , it is a lesson learnt. I had the opposite problem before (like many years ago) where, I would communicate too much that I liked a girl (i.e. buy a girl flowers,etc too early on), and.. I guess now I have gone a bit too far to the other extreme.

Yeah, buying stuff is worse. There is a happy medium, you just have to find it!

[PocoDiablo]

Any suggestions on how to get through to her that I really do like her. I am thinking I will call her this week. But, I am worried her machine will pick up (i.e. that she may be screening calls).... I am not sure if I want to explain everything on her voicemail!! Maybe I should send an e-mail instead??

Email is a bad idea. Voicemail is a bad idea. Don't tell her over the phone or email!

 

Call her, leave this message:

 

"This is Lansing, call me back." Click.

 

That's it. Then ask her on a date when you do talk to her. Simple. Flirt, joke, have a good time. Do NOT lay into serious conversation, do NOT tell her how you want to take it slow, do NOT tell her all your feelings. SHOW her how you feel by spending quality time with her.

 

Plain and simple your actions will speak louder than words - and always should.

[Lansing]

Hey....

 

Well, the last advice came a bit too late I e-mailed her already at the start of the week... I had already called her two weeks ago and I left one message but I didn't hear back from her. (I just said "hey, its me, call me back when you get a chance") but she didn't call back so I left it..... I felt like she was avoiding me and was scared to call me back since she wasn't sure what I was thinking... so, I e-mailed and explained things a little bit but just enough that she would hopefully e-mail or call me. She hasn't, so , I guess I am going to just move on.... it sucks when you meet someone with chemistry and things don't work out. I think this time it was just a lot of confusion. I think she was testing me during her last call to me and wanted me to re-assure her. Instead, I let things fall apart.....