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Question for everyone doing NC?

didyoumissme

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Allie. Community Regular

Allie.

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Well, to both of you...I have reached a some-what of a conclusion[esque] for all of this NC stuff. [i'm gonna type that up in another post right now] haha.

 

Jeff - Oh. Your situation seems awful. I'm very sorry about that. Your ex-wife seems very "extreme" [for a lack of better words] But hey, I'm glad that you have started your healing process. Props to you bro. Just keep up with the NC and stay in that zone.

 

Didyoumissme- I have read quite a lot about what you're going through and I am so so sorry. I'm glad that you haven't broken NC since the "Happy BD". Just keep it up and if you get any urges, POST HERE!! haha.

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Allie. Community Regular

Allie.

Posted
Posted

Conclusion about NC

~Hopefully you'll find some relief in reading this~

 

NC is a very essential activity to practice after having a break-up. NC applies to the periods of time it takes you to heal after the break-up. If there is a source [whether it be a person or thing] that gives us pleasure and is suddenly taken away...It is human nature...[well, i think its human habit] to chase after it and want it back. When we can't have what made us so happy, we are bound to be sad. So if you feel any of the following...you are merely human... hurt, confused, lonely..etc. Even research shows that right after a break-up...our brains stop [or slow down] producing endorphins. Endorphins are chemicals in our body that produce "HAPPY" feelings. You have to understand that pain is your brain's way of saying, "I'm healing." Just like any physical wound...an emotional wound takes lots of TIME to heal. If ANYONE could speed up the process of healing..wouldn't time be out to charm them?

 

So basically, if you feel depressed, sad, lonely, hurt...etc. YOU'RE MERELY A HUMAN and you're healing. Believe me...it just takes some time. The main key to healing is being patient with yourself. There will be times after the break-up where you feel like you're just not moving on. Well...those times will pass too. EVERYTHING about life can be summarized into three words: IT GOES ON! EVERYTHING passes. It's OK. you're not the only one. Just keep reminding yourself of these two quotes: "NO one ever died of a broken heart" and "Just becuase you don't want to return home doesn't mean you'll never arrive."..In the same sense.."Just because you don't want to move on doesn't mean you never WILL."

 

NC is very important and can be very hard sometimes. But it is ESSENTIAL to practice this activity daily. With time...it comes to a point where its as easy as breathing. I know that seems like nonsense right now but TRUST yourself. Constantly remind yourself that you WILL get through this. Post notes around the house saying YOU MUST get through this.

 

The reason NC is so important is because when the break-up is over, it is quite important for YOU to heal. EVERYTHING after the break-up has to be about you! Your partner left you. There is no "us"...its only "you". You stand alone. So the healing process has to be about you too. I mean, come on...it is YOUR heart that has to heal.

 

Now, we all have been guilty of going and calling our ex's nonstop, im'ing, texting them nonstop and of course, the FAMOUS [looking-at-their-profile-ten-thousand-times-a-day]. That's normal but it CAN'T continue.

 

The reason we do NC is to begin to heal. To discover that "being alone" is fine. Even though it might not be "the greatest thing ever." NC helps us realize that we will be fine on our own and realizing that we will be fine [maybe not great] on our own pushes us into the healing process. We do NC for US not for getting our "ex's back" and what not.

 

We all have to realize that our ex's are not coming back. This is because before they broke up with you, they rationalized in their heads WHY they were breaking it off. As much as we hate to admit it, they aren't some stupid fools that just broke it off with us for "fun". For example: Bob breaks up with Cindy because he thinks she's too controlling. If Cindy practices the NC technique, Bob will eventually think of Cindy...and probably think, "Well Gee, I sort of miss Cindy. She did a bunch of nice things for me." BUT at that very moment, another thought will come up in Bob's head.."BUT Cindy was too controlling!!!" And it'll stop him from coming back. Believe it or not, even though the reasons they broke up with us may seem USELESS and POINTLESS...some where...deep, deeper...yes, much deeper....in their head, all those reasons make sense in a twisted way. That is why we have to practice NC. cuz they most probably aren't coming back anytime soon.

 

After discussing the reasons why your ex is probably not coming back...Let's say that you still don't get it and still decide to break NC. Let's observe the choices. If you keep contact with your ex, two things can happen:

 

1) You can talk to them and you find that they are SINGLE but they still don't want you back...

 

2) You can talk to them and figure out they are in a RELATIONSHIP and STILL don't want you back.

 

Well, to me, none of those two choices seem very pleasant. Notice that the end result is going to be you getting hurt because you're going to realize that they don't want you back either way...thats why NC is the way to go. and by NC, i mean, no direct OR indirect contact.

 

As for becoming friends...that's the Second Deadliest sin right after a break-up. First being breaking NC. Of course, in the FUTURE you can be friends but RIGHT after a break-up is a horrible time to become just friends. You obviously have feelings for them [yea yea, deny it all you want but you DO have feelings for them] and they don't share the same feelings. That can result in a serious clash of motives. Give YOURSELF time. You have to stay away for this person. OF course, let's not decide on "Oh well, i'm not talking to them or thinking about being friends with them for the rest of my life!" Start with short, reachable goals. For example, "I'm not going to talk to them for a week." After a week passes, set another one, "If I can go on for a week without talking to them, let's see if i can go for two weeks"...and keep going.

 

To all you dumpees out there, we are all in this together and we're in the same boat but believe it or not 99% of us will reach the same conclusion in the end...because time makes thing change.

 

"Always remember that happiness and sorrow are like siamese twins. When one sits alone with you, just know that the other one is right around the corner."

 

a.l.w.ay.s

 

Allie.

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gaiden Enthusiast

gaiden

Posted
Posted

Day 13. I saw my therapist last night. Something he said to me was that he noticed I was much happier then last session and when he asked why I felt this way, I replied "Well, she's gone, I accept that and am moving on. She's my past and I plan to leave her there." -- he wasn't thrilled about my response.

 

He said I shouldn't look at it as SHE'S gone, I should look at it in terms that I'M gone. hmm, I asked what the difference was. He said "You need to stop looking at it from HER point of view". He told me I can't control her actions and if she tried to contact me in the future, she would no longer be "gone" and it might send me into an emotional tailspin because I started down this path of healing based on the fact she was gone.

 

If I look at it in terms that I'm gone, which is something that I CAN control, I will be much better prepared should she try to contact me or show back up in my life.

 

Just food for thought.

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Allie. Community Regular

Allie.

Posted
Posted

didyoumissme- G'morning!! Yet another day of NC!! Hey, I want you to do me a favor...it'll be helpeful for you and me! List 5 Reasons WHY you shouldn't be with your ex.

 

Redmage22- Good job BRO! you're just getting thru the hard days. I swear it becomes as easy as BREATHING with time. Just breathe and keep on moving. We're very proud of you =D...if you get any sudden "urges"...POST HERE!!!

 

gaiden- WOW. great advice Gaiden. You have no idea how much that helped me especially. I'm at a month and a day of NC and I [was before I read your piece of advice]...I was at a point where I didn't really "hurt" but wasn't really "moving on" either. I was just kinda stuck. Because I was looking at it from HIS perspective. Thanks much gaiden =D keep up the healing. and I'm very glad that you feel much happier. =D

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didyoumissme Community Regular

didyoumissme

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didyoumissme- G'morning!! Yet another day of NC!! Hey, I want you to do me a favor...it'll be helpeful for you and me! List 5 Reasons WHY you shouldn't be with your ex.

 

Hmm, ok.. I'll have to get back to you on that..can you think of 5 reason as of right now? I'll think about it then I will list the 5 reasons for you!
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blemished Collaborator

blemished

Posted
Posted

You know you're getting better when you don't feel the need to count the days of NC.

 

We broke up 3 months ago and at first, NC was hard and I felt I had every right to contact him, and it was natural. We were still not in touch often (maybe 1-2 times per 1-2 weeks), but over time I realized this person doesn't want to be with me, and his rendition of what we had was obviously different than my own. And since it was different, it meant my own was a bit delusional (in thinking it was so good). I became disillusioned then, that what we had was salvagable and I lost trust in him and in other people. Since that time, I have had zero urges to contact him. I miss him, but it's different, it's like residual, like missing someone who has died. I guess I accepted it. Once you really accept it is over, you actually prefer to not talk to your ex, because you have accepted they are gone and would rather not know they exist.

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Allie. Community Regular

Allie.

Posted
Posted
You know you're getting better when you don't feel the need to count the days of NC.

 

Thats completely right! You must be really strong. I wish most of us were at that strength level but we're not. le sigh. BUT, we do realize that with time it'll come to us and that we will start feeling that way. And besides we're all sorta in the first stages of NC. Which are the hardest. Haha. We're just trying to get better by gettin thru everyday of NC till we find that we don't have those "urges" to break it anymore.

 

because you have accepted they are gone and would rather not know they exist.

 

Either way, in relation to the quote above.. one of the people on this threads gave some wonderful advice....i'd like to share it with you =D

 

Day 13. I saw my therapist last night. Something he said to me was that he noticed I was much happier then last session and when he asked why I felt this way, I replied "Well, she's gone, I accept that and am moving on. She's my past and I plan to leave her there." -- he wasn't thrilled about my response.

 

He said I shouldn't look at it as SHE'S gone, I should look at it in terms that I'M gone. hmm, I asked what the difference was. He said "You need to stop looking at it from HER point of view". He told me I can't control her actions and if she tried to contact me in the future, she would no longer be "gone" and it might send me into an emotional tailspin because I started down this path of healing based on the fact she was gone.

 

If I look at it in terms that I'm gone, which is something that I CAN control, I will be much better prepared should she try to contact me or show back up in my life.

 

Just food for thought.

 

Allie.

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Allie. Community Regular

Allie.

Posted
Posted

redmage22- good job bro! You're exactly right! You're going to get thru this...just like the rest of us will too. =D You're gonna get over this whole hurdle cuz you CAN. You're gonna forget about her cuz you CAN. You're gonna move on..cuz you can. We're very proud of you.

 

Keep up the NC!!

 

Allie.

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blemished Collaborator

blemished

Posted
Posted

Allie--

 

I've been told by many people I am strong. But I think that strength actually comes from being hurt in the past and learning from it. I was not born this way. I have lost other people in my life (emotionally, all emotionally), and I learned to accept loss and to have dignity and confidence in myself. When my ex decided he did not want to be with me anymore, I accepted his decision even if it broke my heart. I did all the things people do when they let go of a loved one (I even had a funeral for him), and I moved on.

 

He is gone. I am not. I disagree totally with that shrink. I am still the same person I was when I was with him, albeit more emotionally tarnished, but that will pass. I think it is impossible to look at things from his point of view-- and dangerous-- because I only have my point of view from which to see things. If I looked at it from his point of view, I would have not broken things off! I can only make conclusions about his point of view from his actions-- and regardless of what we had, his actions say he did not really care about it all too much. So, neither should I. The missing him and pain will go away, and I'm leaving behind the memories of something that turned out to be untrue. So, my ILLUSIONS are gone, and he is gone. But I am here.

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Crazyaboutdogs Proficient

Crazyaboutdogs

Posted
Posted

I am 2 months into no contact. I had spent 4 years trying to be patient and understanding. He is an emotional trainwreck and did not want to help himself. Because of his self-image issues, it made him feel superior to play mindgames and the last one in mid-April was the last straw. This time, I didn't even let on that I was angry. I just stopped all contact, no explanation, nothing. He has not contacted me and I have not contacted him. I trusted him, I respected him and I thought he was a kind and gentle person (at least that is the face he showed the world). Mr. Responsible, Mr. Hardworking, Mr. Generous, Mr. Kind. Unfortunately it only skin deep to make a good impression to the outside world. The real him was stubborn and self-absorbed....couldn't really understand the feelings of others on any deep level. I feel angry and stupid that I believed in him. I am angry at the way he treated me. I did not deserve that. I am not depressed that I have not heard from him, I am more depressed that I trusted and believed in someone who did not deserve my good opinion. Realizing that is what is getting me through NO Contact.

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