my disability ruins the moment, this is making me doubt myself...

[young_girls_suicide]

hey people, i am in my teen years, but i am mature and have had sexual intercourse and things related to this. it is all good and well but i am disabled and in a wheelchair. i have a problem called Athrogryposis this means (muscel disformatey) my boyfriend enjoys sex with me but i am starting to feel really down about it all, because he would like to explore new things and i would too, but things tend to go wrong a lot and thereforeeee kills the moment completley. and this is getting me depressed and loss of all self confidence, like when we have sex missionary everything is good and goes well but, on valentines day i went to his and his parents went out and he was kissing me on the couch and asked me up to his room so, yer we went to his room but obviously i cant just run up the stairs, i have to go hands and knees, and he was like removing my clothes ect... but it took a few mins to get up the stairs which made me feel worse, then when we got in his room i sat on his bed with him and it kicked off from there, he wanted me to strip but i can't do tht well so we agreed to make it fun and do each other so he took off my remainin layers, and i atempted to make me takin his off 'fun' if you could call it that, i can't really use my arms and shoulders so everything i done went wrong. he didn't mind but i did, i felt useless and horrible. he then wanted to change position while havin sex and that was a mess too, he ses he dont mind but i cnt take how usless and crap i feel, please help me feel better i'm crying out for help here, i feel sick when i look in the mirror i hate the way i am, how can he love me??? i can't do nothing proper/sexi/good x x

[RayKay]

Awww, honey, it sounds like your boyfriend does not mind at all, and really cares about you, and this is more in your own mind.

 

Do you belong to any teen support groups, for those with disabilities? It may help to get some inspiration and support from others whom face similar challenges, and even to laugh a bit about when it does go wrong.

 

I can tell you even as someone without any physical disabilities sex can sometimes be awkward and you have to learn to laugh at those occasions!

 

I do know people with physical challenges/disabilities though whom face similar challenges, but with the right partner, it's all very doable.

 

You are worthy of being loved, HE sees that, now you have to learn to see that too. You are more then what you are physically, and more then what you can do sexually.

 

I am not sure this will help at all, but it may give you some "encouragement" that you are not alone - I watched Murderball the other day, which follows Wheelchair Rugby (most with varying degrees of paralysis from broken necks or disease) athletes striving to reach the Paralympic Games, and while they do focus on the sport, they also talk a lot about the daily challenges - like sex. It was pretty inspiring and very good! It followed all males, but they had no problems finding love themselves even with their disabilities.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

He sounds like a very nice guy. How can he love you? I don't know, no one can answer that question, probably not even him. He just does. Accept and cherish that he does.

 

As for your self confidence, that is prefectly understandable. I think you need to realize that your boyfriend accepts you for who you are, while it seems that you want to be more than you are. We are what we are though we all have to learn to accept it eventually. I get the impression that he doesn't love you for what you can do for him, but for the person that you are.

 

In the meantime, try to be patient with yourself. You have a guy who loves you, try not to question that too much and things will get a lot more easier for you I bet.

[Mavh25]

with all due respect, may sound nasty but... cant you laugh at yourself in the moment? make fun of it all?

[young_girls_suicide]

i know theres more to me, but i just want to show him i love him more than netink in this world, hes been thru hell n bk with me, i used to self harm ect n it was so tuff on him bt we pulled thru n i just really want to make him proud of me...

[Shadows Light]

Hey Hey Hey.... don't despair. As Kay Ray said... "all" of us have akward moments when with our partners. Even at the ripe old age of 39.... there are akward moments. While I don't have your disabilities... I have a knee that doesn't function well.. sooo I work around it. There's certain things I can't do... or can't do for very long. And thats just the way it is.

 

Your BF sounds like he does care for you a great deal. And it doesn't bother him.

 

Do you think talking to a counselor might help??? Or talking to someone who is physically challenged as yourself and sexually active.... to give you pointers and ideas. Honey... I can remember when I first became sexually active... I hadn't a CLUE. And if it wasn't for one of my GF's explaining it to me... "all the stuff thats not readily available in books.." I"d have been discouraged.

 

You're ok sweets..

 

Now.. let me ask you something. You are being careful and protecting yourself right??? You're using contraceptives right????

[young_girls_suicide]

yup, thank, i am protecting myself i'm on the pill n he uses condoms... we are both mature enough for this...

[Dako]

Sex is full of awkwardness for me as well. At least as I recall.

 

I loved Murderball! One of my friends is in it, and he and I have spent long nights discussing his chaotic sex life as a quad and the universe and everything. There are resources for disabled people coping with sex, but I can't help feeling in some way we all have problems with sex and love regardless of disability or other factors. We aren't any different in our need to express and receive love.

My quad buddy, Mike was so kind to me after my wife left. He put his hand on my shoulder, looked me in the eye, and said, "Sure I'm in a chair, but you're the one who's effed up!" I LOVE that guy!

[RayKay]

Sex is full of awkwardness for me as well. At least as I recall.

 

I loved Murderball! One of my friends is in it, and he and I have spent long nights discussing his chaotic sex life as a quad and the universe and everything. There are resources for disabled people coping with sex, but I can't help feeling in some way we all have problems with sex and love regardless of disability or other factors. We aren't any different in our need to express and receive love.

 

Oh really Dako? That's awesome, I watched it on Saturday and was very impressed with it, I had been wanting to see it for a while! I was surprised as I thought it would be more about the "sport" and them pursuing their Olympic dreams, but I loved the side-tangents they showed, the personal side of it.

 

It is true though, we all have our own problems, it is all relative to our own experiences.

[young_girls_suicide]

any ideas on how i can make it flow more without all th mood ruinnin situations x

[Thedeaperateboy]

i know this may sound a little dodgy, but why not try telling him to do what he wants while you just lay there, you dont have to give anything or move for that matter and im sure hel find away to please himself, this is working around your disablility and giving the guy ( who obviously isnt that bothered by your disability) what he wants, he seems to really like you otherwise he would have said something to you by now, hope this helps GL

[young_girls_suicide]

ok we had a row earlier n now he dnt wnt to tlk to mi nomore. ses im depressed too much and he cnt handle it, n now im even wrse n cryin wat shud i do x

[ShySoul]

*hugs

 

Taking this outside of sex for awhile, is everything else great in the relationship? Do you generally get depressed about your condition? Has he gotten upset like this before?

 

As supportive as the guy sounds, it may be that he was having a tough day and lost his patience. Give it some time, try to relax and do something fun. Then when you have both calmed down, try to talk about things. Say how you feel and what concerns you have. Have him do the same. Communicate your needs to each other.

 

If you feel yourself getting depressed a lot, about sex and other issues your condition brings about, then maybe you should seek a support group. Once you become more comfortable with yourself, then things should go smoother for you. You can find ways around any difficulties that you guys have to face. But right now I think that you feel as if something is wrong with you and that you are ruining it. Being down on yourself like that makes it even harder to enjoy the experience, and prevents either of you from having the time you should be having.

[Dako]

Shy's right. When it turns into work, it's time to take a break.

[Shadows Light]

POSITIVE POSITIVE POSITIVE... only good thoughts !!!

 

You're brinnging yourself way way down hun. Gotta think good thoughts.

 

So you had a "row" today... ok.. leave it alone for a few days. Let things calm down. Lotsof people don't know what to do for a friend when they are feeling depressed or low. And.. guys love to problem solve. If he can't solve your problem.... he feels useless. Men are from Mars / Women are from Venus.

 

Shy asked some very good questions. Do you find yourself depressed often??? is this a cyclical thing?? does it follow a monthly pattern.. anyway follow your menstrual cycle, that sort of thing.... Do you keep a JOURNAL... you might want to keep a journal. It helps to see if there is a pattern to you feeling depressed or bad. What are the low points. What picks you up. And consider going to counseling... or finding a group of people who face the same challenges you do..to get ideas. Heck.. you never know. YOU may be someones hope and have tonz of stuff to offer them.

 

HAPPY THOUGHTS....

 

There is a saying that you are what you eat.

 

Well.. the reference can be states also...

 

YOU ARE WHAT YOU THINK.

 

and today... I'm Shakira... Not really... but.. just trying to give you a little boost there darlin.... gotta think good thoughts. Positive thoughts.

 

Let your bf alone for a few days... and YOU.. concentrate on drying those tear. I'd suggest a long bath. A hot cup of tea. Some pampering... feel good stuff. You need "ME" time.

 

BTW.. DAKO... cute pooch in your avatar... cute cute cute cute.

[young_girls_suicide]

HELP ME PLEASE! my old ways r comin bk i am so scared of starting self harm again but i now have no one because he has left me for good i don't know what to do he can't even be in the same room as me, what shall i do i've been having breakdowns all day i can't hold it together you ppl on ere are all i have now i made my life around him n now hes gone so is my life im so deep in depression im sinking ...

[Thedeaperateboy]

dont start self harm again because the only person your fooling is yourself, the guy obviously doesnt care much for you so why should he care if he suddenlty hears "oh yeh ure ex killed hereself yesterday" or "ure ex is in intensive care she thre herself down the stairs" dont hurt urelself because some guy who u think u love doesnt care anymore, and if it was true love he wouldnt treat you like that, and dont get depressed because hes left you, hes obviously childish if he cant bear to be in the same room as you, just comare all the things that you love about him and all the things you hate im sure ull get the picture soon enough.

[ShySoul]

Ditto to everything Thedeaperateboy said. He doesn't seem to be worth it. You deserve someone much better. I know it hurts, and I'm sorry for that. Try to go to someone else whom you can trust and talk to them.

 

You will get through this. And if you need anything else, please, let us know.