dnl940 Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Have been dating a woman for 8 months, both of us divorced within the last year, and live about 2 hours apart. We were able to see each other at least once a week, if not more, and talked on the phone daily. We became best friends, then began dating. About 2 months ago, we found out she was pregnant, not planned, but after the initial shock we were both okay with it. (She has 2 children from previous marriage, I have 3). Anyway, we were very much in love, and talking about our future together, we even looked at rings just 3 days ago. Her ex husband was constantly calling and emailing her that he wanted her back, wanted the family back together, etc. It would upset her tremendously. He even went to where she worked, asked her to step away from the counter for a minute and hit her because she was seeing me and not responding to him. (She has him arrested of course).... I love her very much and want her to be happy... for the last few weeks she has been very confused about our relationship, saying she wanted to end it one day, and then saying she made a mistake the next. All the while she was conversing with her ex husband about him not treating her that way anymore. Anyway, yesterday, after spending a great weekend together... we were talking on the phone while I was driving home, and she broke down and said she missed her ex very much and thought she wanted to try to work things out with him. I was devastated, shocked and extremely hurt. She obviously has some issues to work out with him, so I called him and told him what was going on, and that he needed to contact her and that they should try to work things out. She called me today to find out how I was doing, and I told her that I was okay, but that I was afraid that I had just helped her get back into an abusive relationship and that I was feeling very worried and concerned about her. I love her tremendously, and really do not want her to get back together with her ex, but I felt like it was the right thing to do in supporting her, because they have 2 children together. But now I'm without her and she's still carrying my baby. Did I make a mistake? Any thoughts, or advice would be greatly appreciated. Where do I go from here? Should I tell her that I think she is making a huge mistake? Thank you Link to comment
DN Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 I think you should back off and let her make her own decision. Nothing you can say or do will make her change her mind about her ex one way or the other. But what you must do is make it clear that you intend to be a proper father to your child and that you will do all that is necessary to accomplish that. Be very careful to guard your heart over this situation - even if she does leave her ex, now or in the future, any relationship you may have with her would be very difficult to get on track. Do not agree to take her back unless you are sure she is fully committed and will not hurt you again. Good luck - you have my sympathies. Link to comment
Serendipity1607307077 Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Hi Dnl... Wow, that's very tough, and I'm sorry to hear that you are in that situation. It seems that when people are in abusive relationships, they are scared to leave their partner because they are worried that they will be attacked or abused for doing it. The fact that her ex hit her for seeing you should have told her that she made the right decision for leaving him, however his threatening her may have made her go back to him for fear of being hurt again.... It is a very complicated situation. The thing I would be concerned about here is the fact that (a) He's physically abusive towards her and (b) Your baby is in the picture and the ex may be resentful towards you - worst case scenario is that he might try and attack the baby... as I said, WORST CASE... I think that it was very nice of you to try and do the right thing by her, but she shouldn't be anywhere near an abusive partner, especially not while pregnant... Just my two cents... hope it helps you clear your thoughts. Link to comment
dnl940 Posted February 27, 2006 Author Share Posted February 27, 2006 My heart is already completely broken so I'm not sure what I have left to guard. She knows that I will be a devoted father to this baby as well as my other 3 children. I'm just not sure how to proceed. We will have to continue to talk because of the baby, and there is a lot of emotion involved. I'm extremely confused. Link to comment
DN Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 When you are confused it is not a good time to make decisions. Best to take a step back for a while so you can gain some perspective and make decisions based on rational thought rather than emotional reactions. Link to comment
ScoobyBaby1500 Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 To make a decision like that takes a lot of guts and shows that you are able to put somebody else in front of you. She needs time to think, abusive relationships dont work out usually. It doesnt help to be in a relationship if she wants somebody else anyway. Time will tell!! Link to comment
dnl940 Posted February 27, 2006 Author Share Posted February 27, 2006 Because we have had a long distance relationship, I think she just sees him as more of a convenience right now, but I don't know how or if I should say this to her. I know she loves me very deeply. She and I are best friends to say the least, and I am having trouble understanding her motivations. I know that I have to let her make up her own mind without interference from me, but I have so many unanswered questions. I'm not sure what to do. Link to comment
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