Odd relationship with girl who has social and self-belief problems...

[mattj]

Ok, girl i like, she likes me too, she isn't lying, she even tells friends how much she likes me as well as me.

 

But for some reason she avoids me, and i hardly ever see her.

 

She said that yes, she was avoiding me and that it was because although she likes me, she just believes its something that will never work for her- apparentley this is her general answer to social life.

 

How can i persuade her that things can work out? its hard to do if she won't go out with me in the first place!

 

P.S. i know this sounds like girl vagueness meaning she just dosen't like me, but in this case i know all her friends very well, and they say she likes me, and if that isn't enough, i have asked her directley several times, telling her i don't mind if she dosen't like me like that, but she hasn't said anything other than she likes me, but can't go out with me because of the way she is

[Scout]

How can i persuade her that things can work out? its hard to do if she won't go out with me in the first place!

 

Easy. Start showing interest in another girl. I can almost guarantee that will wake her up. Hon, I hate to say this, but this girl has got you chasing her and she fully knows it.

 

How do I know this? Because many moons ago, I was a teenage girl myself. Give it a try.

[HaloDestroyer]

Yeah, they're evil like that.

 

Scout's right, man. You show interest in other girls, and she'll either come to, and start chasing you, or you'll get the chance to go with another girl, and move on.

 

Hope this helps...

[mattj]

thanks people, except that she just sent me a text message:

 

"How about we don't talk again, just forget me you never met me"

 

and she hasnt replied to anything else.

[langford]

Keep trying she obviously has TRUST issues or has been hurt in the past and is testing you to see how much you care about her and if you'll stick around.Dont push it to hard just let her know that your there.I am just like this girl and pretty much said exactly the same lines to someone i really really liked recently so dont just write it off yet.I do agree with the others that going out with other girls might wake her up,it will force her into a position where she has to either trust you or lose you.

[Scout]

What provoked her to write such a nasty message? Surely she didn't just do that out of the blue for no reason.

[mattj]

we had another conversation about why she had to avoid me etc, and she said it was because she couldn't believe it was possible, and i was trying to tell her it was.

 

she got a bit mad for some reason, so i asked her was it possibly for us to be friends at least, because i had no idea what she was meaning, noone did.

 

and then i got the message

[a2000]

This girl sounds like me. Maybe she has never had anyone show interest in her before. Has she ever had a boyfriend?

I think she has low self esteem, low confidence and can't trust many people.

[mattj]

hmm, the thing is she has dated several people before, she just has had bad experiences with that she says- giving a whole new possible problem i guess

 

i mean ive never dated anyone, and im famous for my low self esteem and lack of trust, but i still manage to have a social life, she takes it to whole new levels

[Seko]

Contrary to what the first few responses said, I don't think she is playing games with you. I think she genuinely just has issues with self-esteem, trust, and was probably burnt in the past by other people she cared about (parents and friends fit into this category. It doesnt have to be a boyfriend).

The reason I say this is becuase she sounds a lot like me. Almost every time I've liked or gone out with someone, I've had a period where I avoided him. Sometimes I even managed to convince myself that I didn't like him - even if I did. I know it sounds strange, but I do this with friends sometimes too, once they start to get too close. It's a sort of automatic defense mechanism. I don't even notice I'm doing it most of the time. But I am just terrified of being vunerable, rejected, let down, or hurt again.

So...I avoid people.

But you know what? Although a lot of guys have this idea that they can't seem desperate no matter what, I think in this girl's case, you might just have to just push her. She is convincing herself that she's not good enough to be liked, that you don't care, and probably trying to "get over you" before a relationship even starts, just to save herself a lot of pain. But if you like her enough, I think you should make more of an effort. When you see her outside during lunch or afterschool, go up to her, even if she is making a point of not noticing you. Ask her what she's doing this weekend. Ask her to give you a chance. Perhaps you can even work with her friends on this. I don't know.

There are times when you will feel like you are being overbearing, but to her, this might just make her question the feelings she has about herself and you. I mean, if you keep trying through all her attempts at rejecting you, she must be special to you. It will make her much more comfortable with taking the chance of being hurt again.

 

I know it sounds really freaky, and you're going to have to figure out your own way of doing it without being labeled the school creep, but I'm telling you - my last boyfriend took a similar stance with me. I liked him, but I pretty much reacted to his advances by running away. He made several attempts, and I kept shutting him down, but his determination to get ME - instead of running off to find another piece of * * * - really made me question my assumptions and initial reactions. Like any smart guy, he just got frustrated and gave up after a few tries, but by then, I felt confident enough in his feelings to seek him out, ask him if he hated me for my weird issues, and make plans for our first date.

 

Then again, there is a possibility that this isn't how she is at all, and I'm just spouting a bunch of nonsense that won't work, so my other piece of advice is to listen to your gut (and her friends too, if they'll talk to you). If you get strong feelings that she has actually lost all interest in you, you may just want to back off.

*sigh*

Sorry I'm being so long winded. Relationships are complicated. Let us know what happens with this.

[mattj]

hey thanks for saying so much! the only problem is that i did pursue her, and pretty much she said last night on msn that it was my fault for only wanting to get a girlfriend out of it and not caring about her (which is absoluteley untrue, ive always checked with her to make sure things weren't like that!!) and pretty much she seems to have decided she hates me with a vengance now so...

[Scout]

Well, she's being very silly at this point. It's sweet that you're trying to prove all these things to her, but don't forget in the process of all this that YOU'RE A GREAT CATCH. Just because she has self-esteem issues doesn't give her the right to be mean to you. That's uncalled for.

[mattj]

yeah i guess, she dosen't even seem to be the person i liked anymore anyway

[Scout]

That's a disappointment, but you'll get better at spotting the ones that are more stable and comfortable with themselves (and most importantly, with you!) Honestly, you sound like a good kid, and some girl will be lucky to land you!

[mattj]

thanks! i have alot of good friends to help me through at least! though alot of them are friends with her too so it could be awkward, i just hope she dosen't end up fighting with them too or something but oh well

[ShySoul]

matt,

 

Same girl I've talked to you about before, right? Geez... some women are just confused.

 

First, never do the thing where you show interest in another girl to get the first one interested in you more. That's not fair to both girls and isn't the kind of guy I know you are.

 

Now, this girl seems to have issues very similar to a girl I dealt with. Not sure if or how much I said about her to you before. But she would run with things and leave people hanging because of her own self esteem issues and things that had happened to her. She was hurt before, so she thought she had to be on the defensive, pulling away before she gets hurt again. Thing is, she was really on the offensive and hurting others in the way she didn't want to be hurt. I stood by her and supported her as much as I could, and I still am today because I do care about her, even if the relationship thing didn't work out. I think you'll probably end up in the same spot. You can still be there for her and be friends, though right now a relationship wouldn't be good for either of you. This girl doesn't hate you, shes just using you as an easy target to blame. In time she will come around and probably end up very sorry for how she treated you. It's what happened to me. Then its up to you to decide what you want. Do you want to try again relationship wise? Be friends? Or not have anything to do with her? Choose is yours.

[mattj]

Hey ShySoul! yeah it is the same girl, things had changed since my last post, i had told her how i still felt because i feclt guilty about it, and she told me she felt the same- i was invited to join her and her best friend a few times at her dads house while he was out to watch films etc, and really everything had been going well, i even bought her a valentines present that she was happy with- and then suddenly she decides that things couldn't work out between us, and eventually seems to have decided she hates me!

 

Her friends, who are good friends of mine too (possibly more friends with me than her though to be honest, she has always tended towards being a loner) have told me that she will probably forgive me in a month or so knowing her, but i don't know- im fairly sure that what we defineteley had before is gone, and now at least she dosen't seem to want to be friends-

 

its just painful that things were working out so well, and that she is probably going through alot herself, even if it was her hurting herself

[Scout]

She'll "forgive you" in a month or so? Forgive you for what?? Liking her????

[ShySoul]

I went from needing to spend the night in each others arms, me driving out to see her (couple hours away) to its over in like 10 minutes. And then she hoped to another relationship, which ended up married and divorced in the course of 3 or 4 months. So I affectionately refer to her as "psycho."

 

It does hurt. The sudden changes is what is annoying and painful. Takes you by surprise and leaves you devastated. Guess the only thing to do is see its not your fault and nothing you can really do about it. Until she addresses her problems, she won't have a good relationship with you or anyone. You're better off not trying to be with her. Plenty of girls would jump at the chance to be with you.

 

Edit. "Forgive you" is really "feel bad about treating you like that and try to be friends again, but not willing to face her problems so it will still be her making out like you are forgiven." Silly, silly girl.

[mattj]

yeah pretty much with the "forgive thing" there. Her friends say she's pretty much an attention seeker, which i would say is why she does all deppression thing to be honest- but yeah i guess i should try and get over her somehow, its hard i keep lying to myself that the bad things never happened! thanks for all your help though!

[mattj]

hmm, ok then- now she started talking to me again, saying how she was so sorry etc, and how she had been unable to stop thinking about me and how she was messed up too-

 

i think thats a good thing anyway....

[ShySoul]

And the rollar coaster continues... lol.

 

You are a patient and caring guy to stil be there for her. Think you know what you should do. Be a friend as much as you can be, but don't let yourself get caught up knowing she is likely to repeat this pattern.

[Scout]

At this point, I would thank her for opening up. Tell her you're willing to give things a no-pressure try, to see where things go. But that you also need her to make a point to not hurt your feelings with hurtful text messages.

 

Be a friend, but don't be a doormat.

[ShySoul]

Ditto to Scouts post. She is on the money as usual.