***Long ... but please read/help ***

[cky2006]

Hello to everyone reading this.

 

I have been in a relationship for the past 4 years and 2 months. The relationship has had its ups and downs. We are a young couple. I am going to be turning 22 on February 28 and she will be turning 23 April 12. I just wanted to give a litte information on the two of us.

 

Anyways let me get on topic. Last week the day after Valetines day(Feb. 16) me and my girlfriend had a serious talk. The talk was about how she is not happy with the way I treat her and wants to take a break (wants some space). She told me her feelings right now are that she loves me but is not in love. I appologized for they way I had been treating her, but that really wasn't enough. She wanted the weekend to herself and with friends to really think about it. I gave her the space she wanted. We spoke to eachother throughout the weekend and what no, but not seeing eachother. When we spoke we didn't talk about the relationship, just on what happened that day.

 

So the weekend is up, so I basiclly brought up our relationship. She started saying that she needs space and wants to see if she really needs me there for her. I told her not in a threating matter, but im not going to wait if its over its over. This is not a movie were 10 months later coulpes get back. We were both tired and promised to talk on Monday (Feb. 20). So Monday comes and we talk thoughout the day and then I asked if we can get something to eat together and talk face to face. She agreed. I picked her up and we had dinner. I huged her and told her how much I missed her and loved her. Anyways after dinner we hung out and talked about us. I told her that I have to change in order to keep her. I never once stated that this was her fault in anyway. This girl is a ANGEL and will never do anything to harm me or anyone. The way I treated her is nothing she ever diserved. This came up out of no where. I did not see this coming. YES, we have had arguments, but they just got brushed away and things got back to normal (so I thought). I told her anything I did to hurt her was not intentional. Im going to list some of the things I did that hurt her :

. Never letting her go out w/ friends (If she did I gave her ***)

. Being selfish w/ her to her family (not even letting her do *** w/ her family)

. Telling her she cant wear certain things

. I always gave her is she didn't come to my house (she would have to drive home at night)

. I would only go to her house on weekends (never in the week)

. I never wanted to go out (once in while and I still say no)

. Anytime shes at my house im on the computer and never really pay any attention to her

.I make her feel stupid sometimes in front of my family

.I take advantage of her

 

That's just the majority of things.

 

Let me wrap this up. Yesterday (Feb. 21) we hung out again, went to the mall to shop a little. It was very weird. I am used to touching her and holding her hand. We did touch eachother but not like we used to. After the mall we got dinner again and had a blast. Laughing up a storm with certain things. We got back to her house and just layed around and watched TV. I want to know where this is going. So in between "American Idol" we talk and she says "why did I have to wait 4 years to actually treat her the way she needs to be treated". I told her these past couple days made me realize alot of things in life and our relationship. We can't throw out 4 years. I can't change the past. I can change the future. I know I can and I will. She is just affraid that I will talk the talk. I have changed alot since I have been with her. Seeing something that I love be so upset with me kills me. I told her everything I can. She told me this would be my last chance. This is that last chance that I would need ! I would love for this to be my Birthday gift ! I am right now (which I pray to god) on a more of a positive note, but I don't know just yet.

 

Sorry for the long story. I need to vent and maybe get some advice.

 

Thanks

Will

[WTHUWY]

That's great, almost losing her has shed some light on the way you've been mistreating her. But take her seriously, becasue when a woman finally gets to that point of being completely fed up, there is nothing in the world that can change her mind. I was in relationship for the last 6 yrs, I kept telling him certain things needed to change. He'd change for a few months and fall right back into his old ways. (according to your list, you two sound alot alike) Just this week, I left him, and I'm not going back.

Good luck to the two of you.

[PocoDiablo]

Sounds pretty familiar. Here's an article I wrote about these kind of situations:

 

My GF wants a break, is it really over?

 

 

Any of that hit home? It seems like you violated many rules of being a gentleman, such as being over-controlling yet at the same time boring/predictable. That's a tough thing to try and fix, especially after you have been together for so long. Telling her you want to change at this point is too little too late. She knows who you are, and wants someone who already has all the little flaws fixed.

 

The good news that I see is that you identified your issues, which seem to come from a lack of self-confidence and a lack of being challenging/unpreditable/fun to be with.

 

Could you save this? Sure, anything's possible, but you're going to have to make HUGE steps to change it. For one, you have to be a lot more understanding, free to let her do what she wants (confident enough in yourself to know she'll come back to you), and stop being so boring and serious. Sure, there is a time and place for serious talks, and not going out, but it's only about 5% of the time - in my opinion.

 

So do you think you can do all that? It's like taking a deep breath and realizing you have to be more mature about things in order to keep things flowing.

 

Oh, as a side note, I would also not *tell* her that you are changing, I would just change and let her see. I would not smother her with calls or asking her to get back together, just go hang out and try to have a good time. Be the man she wants, don't talk about it.

 

Actions speak louder than words....

 

And if you slip, she'll know you didn't mean it.

 

In my opinion you will have to make these self-improvements sooner or later, otherwise your next GF will dump you too. So it's your call ... now? Next year? When you are 30 years old like I was?

 

We all go through this, so just pay attention to the mistakes you are making and improve.

[SLMitchell918]

Hopefully you realize that you cannot continue treating her the way she was being treated. If you do continue, I can't really blame her for leaving her.

 

Remember that your relationship is a partnership. Try not to control her. Trust her. It sounds like you may have trust issues if you don't want her going out with her friends.

 

IF you love her very much, show it to her. It sounds like you do. But honestly, you have to commit to this change of yours because it will be VERY easy to fall back into your old ways and that will cost you her.

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

And welcome to Enotalone.

 

 

Ok I was on your GF's side before as well. I too, was in a relationship for 4 years and was taken for granted as well. It really hurts. My and ex and I did have a falling out this past September for those same exact reasons your GF feels right now. Things changed for a couple of weeks and then things went to the way they were. Needless to say, I am no longer with him.

 

I came to the realization that I was putting expectations on my ex to be the kind of person I want him to be and not for whom he truly is. He could not change for me and to keep the relationship....he had to change for himself. Plus people, IMO, do not change that quickly. IMO, I feel you should not change solely to keep someone in your life, it is manipulative... you should change because you WANT to for YOU. If you change for other people, pent up resentments may happen making the situation worse.

 

"YES, we have had arguments, but they just got brushed away and things got back to normal (so I thought)."

 

This statement caught my eye....when you have arguments, it is not a good idea to sweep stuff under the rug. It is so important to talk and discuss matters, no matter how hard and painful, otherwise, assumptions will be made and resentments come around because people expect others to be mind-readers.

 

"Never letting her go out w/ friends (If she did I gave her ***)

. Being selfish w/ her to her family (not even letting her do *** w/ her family)

. Telling her she cant wear certain things

. I always gave her is she didn't come to my house (she would have to drive home at night)

. I would only go to her house on weekends (never in the week)

. I never wanted to go out (once in while and I still say no)

. Anytime shes at my house im on the computer and never really pay any attention to her

.I make her feel stupid sometimes in front of my family

.I take advantage of her"

 

I am wondering where all this is stemming from. This a hefty list of controlling behavior and insecurities. This is not something you can fix in a couple of weeks. I would really take a step back and figure out why you treated her like this....I mean this is hurtful and somewhat abusive (emotional and verbal) behavior.

 

I am sorry to sound harsh or not too promising in my post. I am not saying your entirely at fault here, I mean it does not sound like she communicated her needs either and she let this behavior continue on her behalf. She also needs to take responsibilty for this as well. But if I were you, I would really figure out why you treated her like this and go from there. I wish you a lot of luck and take care.

[cky2006]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I have/want to be a new person. She never diserved anything that I did to hurt her. I was the hard headed * * * that was a * * * * to her. I have come to realize that now 4yrs later. I think it is kind of both our faults, but I say 90% was on me. 90% me being a * * * and 10% her not opening up. I believe she was affraid to, I think she just bit her tongue so we didn't fight. I have a short temper and I get mad real fast. It's my problem not hers. I know I shouldn't have taken it out on her.

 

I've already told her that I will be 100% the person she has always wanted me to be. I am throwing out all the negative things that I have done and did'nt work out of my life.

 

I have so much love for this girl. Throwing out 4yrs is no good on both sides.

 

_________________________________________________________________

This happened Feb. 22 :

 

Well just got home from her house. She wasn't feeling good today. I brought her some soup after work. After she ate we went to her room and laid down and watched TV. She curled up in my arms and started dozing off until FEDEX came and woke us up.

We laid back down until 10 min later her mom calls and basiclly wakes us up again. After she hung up I kind of wanted to get to the talking to figure out where I stand. I know deep down in side she loves me, but she is real upset that I don't want to give her more time/space. I told her I am a changed man. Not just for you but for me as well. I need this change in my life because the way I was before wasn't healthy for me and her. I continued to tell her how sorry I was, and telling her if I gave her space she will keep thinking about the old Will. Then she says if I give you a chance you will be getting your way and I have been getting my way for the past 4 yrs. I was kind of stumped there. I told her this will be the last thing I would want to go my way.

 

She laid there while I kissed her cheek/head and while I rubbed her face. She told me not to be mad if she didn't make her decision right then and there. As long as she can think that I am a changed man and I can make her happier then ever, that's where I want to be right now besides with her.

 

As I walked out her house today she kissed me and told me she loved me. I told her to really think about it and know I will make her happy. I told her I would call her when I got home. So by the time I got home she already called me wondering why I hadn't called. To me that's a good sign ! Knock on wood for me .

 

________________________________________________________________

I really hope she allows me a second chance because that is all I need. I hate that I now have realized that what I did in the past 4yrs was all wrong.

 

One of the examples I use for my situation is : You continue to do wrong until you get caught and have to suffer the consequences. The break down of that is : someone doing drugs finally has an overdose then decides to stop.

 

Me knowing that I can actually lose her has snaped me to reality. I will learn from this experience, which is rough. In the long run, if it works out, we will have a happier and healther relationship. We are getting older and I have to stop acting/thinking like I used to

[PocoDiablo]

I have a short temper and I get mad real fast. It's my problem not hers. I know I shouldn't have taken it out on her.

I would bet money on that being your number one problem. It shows a lack of self-control, and often stems from a lack of self-confidence. This is a major issue for many guys (was for me, at least) and will take dedication and time to get over.

 

If you can learn to bite your tongue and not destroy things (or was that just me? ) you may have a chance ... in the future.

[cky2006]

She knows that I want help for my anger. Way before this. Everyhting I stated wasn't a everyday thing. It was things that have happened over the past 4 yrs. We have had a blast together, just like any other relationship, it has its ups and downs. But I guess now I can say it had more downs. It's hurts me because alot of our talks in the past couple of months were about the future about us haveing a house together, money, etc

 

I think she just held every bad thing inside herself and doen't look at the bright side. She has to know im willing to change for her and myself.

 

Thanks,

Will