Back Together... Now What? ...she "feels different"

[merickso]

Hello,

 

I have been posting quite a bit, and I am sure some of the issues I am dealing with I have already posted about, but this forum not only gives me good advice, but it gives me a place to just say whats on my mind.

 

So now that my gf and I are back together for 3 or 4 days, things are fundamentally great. She tells me she loves me, she has talked about "when" we get married more than a few times, and she is being great. When we met on sunday we talked about getting back together and taking it a bit slow initially. I thought that sounded fine, although I did let her know that it would be difficult to go back a few steps in our relationship because we have talked and seen eachother many times every day (before the break up last month).

 

I have not been calling her much, only to call her back, and she has been contacting me 2 or 3 times throughout the day and seeing me almost every day. The thing is, and I hate to admit it, but I think that I will feel much better once we are physical again. I mean, we have always had a great physical relationship, and its been 6 weeks now (her trip + break up + the last 4 days). Is it alright that I think that us being physical again will ease my stress about losing her again? I have not and wont pressure her about it, but its on my mind a lot.

 

Everyone seems to suggest to treat this relationship as a new one, and I have been trying but its a lot more difficult that it sounds. Last night she only came over for a few minutes and left because she was tired, but then she called me when she was at home on msn and I kind of questioned her about who she was typing to. We hung up, but then I called her right back and apologized and I said

 

"sorry for sounding a bit weird on the phone just now, but I am feeling a bit insecure about us since we just got backtogether. It is not a big deal and I know I have nothing to worry about whatsoever. I trust you completely. The feeling of losing you is still fresh and that makes me fear it happening again. I just wanted you to know how I feel, and its just because of all the stuff we have been going through in the last 6 weeks. I am so happy to be back together with you and I love you."

 

she said she loves me and we hung up and went to sleep....

 

I sent her a friendly email today... 5 or 6 lines about work people and then I told her thanks for popping over last night and sorry I was acting weird on the phone later.

 

SHE JUST CALLED - she just called me at work from her work. she said that she didnt know what she was feeling and that it felt awkward last night when she was over (for all of 7 minutes, she didnt take her shoes or her coat off). I told her that that was the first time we have been alone (other than a few times during the breakup, which was completely focused on breakup/back together stuff) in 6 weeks. I told her that it is natually going to take a bit of time since we have been apart for a while - am I right? I love her, I didnt feel uncomfortable, I felt great to see her. Is this a sign that she doesnt want to be with me anymore?

 

I told her (again, this was 20 minutes ago) that I dont want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me, and I want her to be happy. she said that she does want to be with me for sure, but that she was confused why she felt so out-of-place last night. Of course my mind starts to wonder about WHY she is suddenly feeling this way ...

 

Questions:

 

1. I havent called her, pressured to see her or anything in the last 4 days - was it wrong for me to tell her that I feel a bit insecure about our relationship last night?

 

2. She has been the one calling me, etc, and she says on the phone just now that she didnt think we would be completely back together so fast... what the heck?

 

3. SHE has been telling me over and over for the last 5 days that she feels so good and she has talked about 'when' we get married even yesterday, and now she says she doesn't know how she feels?

 

4. What am I willing to put up with? I dont want to be the guy AGAIN that gives her space and is in a loose relationship where she calls whenever she wants, but takes space whenever she wants too.... I am being unreasonable?

 

5. Since we were on a break, it is reasonable for her to feel a bit different towards me now that we are back together? I think its normal, but I could be wrong.

 

6. Can being physical again reclaim some of the spark?

 

I feel like things just went from bad (break up) to not good (healing) to very good (back together) to confused/scared/stressed/sad (20 minutes ago when she called).

???

[kickedin]

talk is cheap...actions its all about actions i have been telling you to back off her......let her realize what she has no need for you to convince her of a good thing

[LiquidCherry]

When my ex-now-boyfriend-again and I first got back together it was me who felt weird and awkward. (I was dumped.) I was very insecure as well and I told him so too. He told me that he was very sorry and he had no intentions of hurting me ever again and that the only thing that could really help would be time. I don't think you were wrong at all for telling her how you felt. There are a lot of old hurts to work through and a lot of new hurts to work through as well and they need to be discussed. There is no reason why you should have to feel this way in silence.

 

It takes a little bit of time for things to feel normal again. Everybody says to treat it as a new relationship but.. I found that impossible. Neither one of us could just forget almost a whole year together.. We already knew each other so well... But starting off again slow is a good idea. I think it took a little over a month for our relationship to feel normal.

 

We didn't wait at all to be physical again. I think we both wanted that intimacy to resolidify our bond and while it did help a lot by making us feel more connected again it didn't recreate a spark.

 

That being said.. She's telling you that she's confused and she doesn't think you should be "completely" back together yet. Ugh. Maybe she is just feeling a bit awkward which would be understandable but that shouldn't make her confused about what she wants. It's something I would talk to her about and get some clarification on. Maybe it means she is rethinking getting back together or maybe it means she wants to take things even slower. Either way, you deserve to know what's going on.

[Orlander]

You get physically close to someone after you have established an emotional bond. The bond that you have with your girlfriend will probably need some time strengthen. It won't get stronger by becoming physical. It just doesnt work that way.

 

Did you ask her to explain how she felt when she was over at your house? I think you should ask her to think about it, write you a letter about it or just spend some quality time this weekend together, discussing it. Communication is everything. Don't let her tell you "I dont know why i didnt feel comfortable". She needs to figure that out. Talking about it might help.

 

Good luck and keep us updated.

 

 

Orlander

[texasman123]

The key, as someone who is going through this right now, is to have no expectations. DO NOT ASSUME ANYTHING. even if you are back together just play it cool. Thats very hard, but its what I am trying to do.

 

My ex has not told everyone yet that we are back, and we are seeing each other less than before. Is that bad? NO. I feel this because we are very happy right now, and while I too feel like the ground is a little shaky sometimes, its just because we have not been together for awhile. things will change back if you ease. If you push (and saying you are insecure could be puching a little bit), then it will scare the person away. Just take it slow and easy and things wille fine. DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE REALTIONSHIP. PERIOD. You wouldn't if it were a new girl you were just starting to see....treat it that way...

[Itsok]

I dunno about that girl actually. She confuses me. One moment she loves you, the next she's unsure of you. No wonder you're feeling a bit akward!

 

I wouldn't make any moves on her yet, especially since she is wavering back and forth. She needs to feel a strong emotional connection before she'll want to get to that level again. You aren't doing anything wrong at all. I think she is confused as to why things don't feel perfect like before, and the reason for that? This is what happens when you've broken up.

 

A piece of trust and attachment in the relationship has been broken and needs to be reestablished. This will take time. Rarely do couples get back together and then carry on perfectly like they did before the breakup.

 

Honestly though M, how much are you willing to put up with? That is something you should keep in mind for the next while. Sometimes people get back together only because they are so uncomfortable without the other. If you both continue to be so uncomfortable even though you are dating again, that's something to think about, but not now. Wait a while and try to give it a chance first.

 

If you two aren't meant to be it will become evident shortly.

[merickso]

I am just so lost. Honestly, I am more lost and confused than I have ever been before. I have been told everything in the last month, most of all "I love you and I want you". and this is what I get.

 

to top it all off, now I am just waiting around again for her to call me.... i am such a fool. I know you guys understand, but to be completely honest, I dont know what to do or say or think. I have no answers. do I call her at work and ask her what is going on? do I just let her call me, whether its in an hour, in 6 hours, late tonight, or tomorrow?

[NJRon]

You get out and do something on your own and let her try calling you. Give her some space. If you are always there at her beck and call she doesn't have to work for anything and doesn't get vested in the relationship. I'm not saying to blow her off, but at least give her the opportunity to make an effort.

[friscodj]

merickso-

 

Oh man, I have been in this situation too many times. One minute talking marriage, the next not sure about anything...

 

You're not going to like this, but I really don't see this relationship going anywhere. The thing is, you can't treat this as a new relationship because it's not, and don't pretend it is. You guys have many memories together and know each other very well. I have fallen into the trap of thinking things will change, will get better with time, and we'll live happily ever after...and my friend...it doesn't happen that way...

 

The best thing you can do right now is muster up your courage and cut this clean...go NC completely...and the longer you wait the harder it will be on you...

[merickso]

unreal. I talked to her briefly and she was all fine telling me about her phone and downloading ring tones, etc, like nothing was a big deal. She has to volunteer tonight for a couple hours (she'll be doing that for another hour). I asked her what time she wanted to get together tonight (assuming that we were going to talk and also we had made some plans a few days ago for tonight) and she (without mentioning anything we had talked about today) says "I wasnt planning on seeing you tonight".

 

at what point is enough enough? is this it? I reminded her that I thought we had plans (not rudely, just mentioned it) and she just said that she didnt want to do that. She said that she was at the volunteering place and that she would call me later and that she loved me.

 

it really makes me angry that she doesnt even mention the fact that she told me today that she might not feel what she thought she did about me and that she "wasnt planning on" seeing me. WHAT A JOKE.

 

Guys, I really want to get the strength together to tell her that I am done being a yo-yo and if she doesnt want to be with me, then its over. My heart simply can not take any more of this. I love her so much, and I am willing to make it work... first it was the religion, then we talk about that and she wants to make it work... and now she doesnt know if she feels the same (we have spent NO time together alone).

 

How do I really make her understand what I am feeling and get her to make a choice once and for all?

[NJRon]

You make her understand by getting tired of the BS and saying "enough".

 

Until you do that, you will be a yoyo. If things aren't clicking, they aren't clicking. Stop living for her and live for you. I'm telling you.. moving on does not mean that you have to shut the doors. moving on means you get your own life. You are letting her wrap you around her little finger. Get a life.

[Itsok]

Do just that. Tell her once and for all that you are tired of being yo yo'd along, and you won't tolerate this. Either you're together or you're not.

[justkeeprunning]

Dude, it's been 4 days. You need to chill out. You just got back together after being broken up and so you do to some extent need to start from scratch; otherwise you're just rehashing your previous broken relationship. Don't expect to jump in the sack with her right away; she's probably feeling you rushing things and that's what's making her nervous. You need to give her space while maintaining your dignity at the same time. One doesn't necessarily have to be sacrificed for the sake of the other.

[Beyondthesea]

M, how is it going?

[merickso]

not great. I asked her if we were going to do something together last night (we had made plans a few days ago) and she says "I wasnt planning on it". So we argued about that and she said that she wanted to take it slow and that now she feels that I am getting mad that she isnt seeing me. I reminded her that I hadnt called her in over 3 weeks, and I hadnt asked her to do anything and that we had plans AND that she just finished telling me that she didnt know if she had the same feelings for me.

 

I asked her straight out "Do you want to work on things with me or should we both just move on" and she was like "I do want to work on things, I love you,.." but then she just went home for the night. I didnt call. She called me at 11pm last night saying that she was so sorry and that she loves me and misses me and that I am "so great". Then she calls this morning at 7am to say good morning and ask if I wanted to hang out tonight.... I said yes.

 

So at 1pm today she calls me and tells me that one of the staff members at her job is having a going away party tonight and that, after she volunteers, she'll have to go to that and that "I can come if I want to, but I dont have to". I didnt really say anything, other than "oh". and she she had to go and she said she would call me later.

 

To be honest with you I am actually embaressed of the situation. I dont know whether I am blowing the whole thing out of proportion and if I should be fine with her going to her staff members (not her friends, she barely knows her) going away party, or if i should just tell her that I am tired of being such a low priority and this isnt going to work anymore.

 

I am out of energy.

[NJRon]

Well.. let it go, but don't tell her. See how it plays out. But yeah, you need to relax a bit.

[Diggitydave]

In My own Opinion

 

Go out have a good time, don't talk about the relationship at all. Have a good time, even though it is going to be on both of your minds.

[merickso]

i took your advice and I relaxed, had a great time, and it was perfect. she introduced me to all of her coworkers as 'her boyfriend', which just felt nice and I was my usual funny self. The night ended with her back at my place, us just hanging out watching TV alone, a fantastic trip to my bedroom , and her falling asleep in my arms telling me she loves me.

 

I am going to continue to relax and just take it all one day at a time - I am prepared for the worst, but hopeful for the best.

 

As always, thank you to everyone, the road to complete comfort in my relationship is going to take a while, but as long as both her and I are honest and willing & wanting to make it work, then things should be great. We still have lots to deal with and I am sure that I will have more sleepless nights, but tonight I will sleep sound.

 

I am increasing my personal dreams and my personal life that does not include her so that I am a stronger person on my own. Also, I am trying hard to put my trust issues to rest (my exex girlfriend hid another guy from me for 2 months while we were "getting back together") because I do trust my current girlfriend completely... its just hard when you have been burnt in the past.

 

merickso.

[NJRon]

I am increasing my personal dreams and my personal life that does not include her so that I am a stronger person on my own. Also, I am trying hard to put my trust issues to rest (my exex girlfriend hid another guy from me for 2 months while we were "getting back together") because I do trust my current girlfriend completely... its just hard when you have been burnt in the past.

 

I'm glad things went well and you were able to just enjoy the moment. It is great that you are rebuilding your own like right now, I think that is vitally important. Take things slow for you, to allow yourself time to build your confidence and trust in her.

 

One thing to think about, when you want to see her so much and maybe are only able to get in one day a week. Think about how much better one day a week is than never. be happy with that and live in the moment.

 

Best Wishes!

[merickso]

good point, and that IS what I need to think about. I am realizing that life goes on.... REGARDLESS of what events take place. After last night I feel much more confident, I even called her this morning for my first time in over 3 weeks just to say good morning. It was great... we arent hanging out tonight, and I am ok with that. I have some movies, some work that I have to do and.... you guessed it... enotalone, and she is hanging out with her family.

 

I think that the fact that we were physical last night did actually help me feel much better. For whatever reason, it just makes me feel more wanted and desired.

 

Its going to be an up hill battle for a while, but as you touched on, an up hill battle to reclaim my relationship is better than no battle at all.

 

M.

[Mix Maxster]

By making the choice yours. Afterall you get to decide whether or not she's in your life. Really. If you're not going to be played for a fool, then don't let her. Put her in her place and don't let her take you down. You need to be ready to walk away and I mean this. Don't be afraid to even if it means losing everything that you built together. The ironic thing is that NOT taking action is more likely to mess up what you had than putting her in her place. I don't mean be downright rude and nasty to her, but it's time you showed some strength and let her know that she doesn't have power over you. Its time to be the one in control and not give her a choice in whether or not she can disrespect you. She needs to know you won't allow any of it and have no time for someone who thinks they can. If you can't do this I think the problem goes above anything mentioned.