My mother said she would break all ties with me...

[music lover 88]

I just got back to my apartment a few minutes ago after visiting at my parents house. My mother said she wanted to talk to me about something, I knew what it would be about. Its the same thing she's been trying to tell me on the phone in the past few weeks. I've been dating this guy, and its pretty serious, we've been together for almost a year, and my mother said that if I chose him to spend my life with, then our relationship would no longer exist.

 

She thinks I'm dating him to get back at her, she thinks that the more she shows her dissapproval of him, the more I am wanting to be with him. This is not true. I am with him because he is a wonderful man, and I love him. My mother was raised to believe that a person should marry within their race and religion, to keep the culture alive. My mother is not racist or unreasonable in this respect. I love my culture, I love my religion, and it is a guiding principle in my life.

 

My mother had an arranged marriage in a different country, her view on what is a "good man" is someone who is the same race, religion, and cultural background as she. Dating did not exsist for her, so marrying for love and finding "that special connection" is a concept that she cannot comprehend. My parents never developed complete love and trust with each other.

 

On the one hand I want to explain to my mom that I haven't lost my values and my religion just because I'm dating outside my race. That I'm not being rebellious, that I've actually found someone with whom I feel safe, secure, loved, appreciated, and absolutely amazing. But on the other hand, my mother and I have a rough history, I stopped telling her about my feelings a long time ago, I feel like she doesn't deserve to know that I'm happy. Even if I told her that, it would have no meaning for her because happiness through love doesn't make sense to her, happiness through faith and religion does.

 

The trouble is that I can't disagree with her. I am torn, I know that I love my boyfriend and he will make me happy, personally, but I know that spirtually, he can not help me. If I'm looking at long-term spiritual development, which I know goes beyond 'living in the moment,' then technically I'll be happy in life in its entirety.

[theantibarbie23]

Being with someone outside your faith does not mean you are condemned to live without spiritual fufillment. There are marriages out there with two people of different faiths that manage to make it work. It really depends on how much effort both of you put into respecting one another's beliefs and boundries.

 

There is also no reason why a child can't be raised to include both cultures. My significant other and I are of different races and that's what we plan on doing with our daughter when she is older.

 

I feel very bad that your mother wants to put such a guilt trip on you. I know this may be hard, but you might need to let her go do what she feels she needs to in order to preserve your right to find your own path in life.

[music lover 88]

Being with someone outside your faith does not mean you are condemned to live without spiritual fufillment.

I know, but I wish it didn't bother me so much that my mother as well as other relatives and people in our community will view me as "incomplete" or "tainted" because I have not kept with in the same boundaries.

 

I guess spiritual fulfillment is a personal thing, and If I know that I am doing what I can to keep my faith, then it shouldn't bother me if someone else thinks that I'm not. Because religion is self-fullfillment, not a charade for society's sake, but I still feel the pressure.

[theantibarbie23]

I know, but I wish it didn't bother me so much that my mother as well as other relatives and people in our community will view me as "incomplete" or "tainted" because I have not kept with in the same boundaries.

 

Of course it's going to upset you. We all want to be approved of and accepted by our loved ones. However, if that approval comes at too large a price, it's best to let it go. All the approval in the world wouldn't make you any happier if you ended up with someone with all the right qualifications but not the heart you seek. Don't let pressure take away your chance at happiness.

 

Some people will never know what it is to feel love, no matter how desperate they are to know it. That in itself, makes it worth fighting for.