You might believe this, then again...

[Meesterjojo]

Oh do I need some help. I thought I was stronger than I really am, even after 5 months.

 

Past: Ex dumped me after 4 years to the week, and then 5 days after magically met someone and began sleeping with the person. We lived together for another month, then went our separate ways. Tried to be friendly, but after 2 weeks I couldn't handle it, explained it to her, and went full 110% NC.

 

Current: I got my life in order- appearance, finances, social life, all great. Still 110% NC with the Ex, whom as a bonus, works in the same office I do (different departments, if I saw her in the halls, I ignored her). So last week we're both at a social function for work, everyone is talking, and she walks up behind me, taps on my back, and starts talking to me. Very bold. So I give it a go and speak with her. I had no idea I could say anything decent to her, but I did. We had a lovely conversation, mostly catching up. I had cleaned up considerably, lost much weight, and she commented on that a few times as well.

 

The next day she sent an email with a P.S. "It was really great talking to you last night". Cool. So I write back, etc, keeping everything superficial and casual, and we decide to meet up on Sunday (yesterday) for coffee and lunch.

 

Yesterday: We meet up, talk talk talk, lots of catching up to do, everything was jovial and good. She's acting sweet and kind, something I hadn't seen in over a year (Mind you we've only been apart 5 months). We get to lunch, and she starts talking about the guy she went off and started seeing right after she left me. Surprisingly I didn't care. I mean, it really didn't phase me. Told me he had no fashion sense, that he was bad in bed (Trust me, I didn't ask, really), he wasn't attractive, and he recently lost his job, but despite all this, the very night she spoke with me at the function, they had dinner and he told her that all he wanted was "Friends with Benefits" (Sex sex sex, fyi). They had been going "out" 3 nights a week, plus doing "couple things" on every weekend, even with other couples. She had, 2 weeks prior, asked him to step it up, as she wanted a relationship, or to start one with him. He said he needed 2 weeks to think about it. They had no contact for 2 weeks till that night, and he decides he only wants sex with her.

 

She tells me that in the 5 months we've been apart she's always asked about how I was doing to my friends (which I did actually confirmed today, and asked why the heck didn't they tell me: "we were trying to help you"), and that she's always talking about me when she's with this guy mentioned above whom she wants a relationship with.

 

So I'm hearing all this, and about some guy from out of state who flies in once a month to sleep with her, and about some kid who's terrible in bed, and still, none of this phases me. I listen, make a few small remarks, and everything keeps going on. I don't know *why* she felt the need to unload all of this on me, but whatever.

 

After all of her disclosures she is sure to tell me that she hasn't seen or slept with anyone in 3 weeks, and when I ask about so-or-so she's very quick to add a "oh there's noone in my life" or "I'm not seeing so and so".

 

So we're driving for coffee, I had changed the topic to something less...deep, and she bursts out in tears. Ok, I'll bite "what's wrong?" She still cares for me she says. But how do you care for me? "Well after 4 years you can't just let somethings go". Ok, but what does that mean? "Oh, I don't want you to think I could ever see you again, we're just not meant to be together". Well, ok, thanks for the admission. I sure am getting a lot of information for such a small deposit. That didn't much bother me either, although I took exception with the "meant to be together" phrase, and questioned/challenged it by stating "I've never believed we, or anyone, aren't meant to be together, it's more that we had issues which we could not resolve, either because we chose not to, or couldn't. either way, they snowballed. You can't discount 3 years just because of 10 months of unresolved conflict".

 

She goes on to say that she wants me to be her friend, but she now realises that it's not fair, it's very selfish of her to ask that- she knows she let me go, and that it would be something which pleases her, after all, so she claims, she would never go out with me again. I explain Ok, fair enough, and to be honest if we kept on seeing each other as "friends" I probably would ask you out again one day, especially if things went as nice as they did that day. I told her that it wasn't fair, and that I deserve *more* than "relationship lite": all the friendship with none of the commitment. She worries that our friendship would cause her confusion one day in that she would want to sleep with me (again, I don't know where that came from), or that she might get hurt accordingly, or hurt me by not returning any potential affection I might offer.

 

So we decide to be civil at work, and nothing more.

 

Personally, yesterday was such a flurry, the only term which comes to mind which captures it all is " * * *!" One minute I'm being strong, listening, etc, the next she's spilling the beans about her sexlife, how sorry she is she hurt me, and that she doesn't want to be selfish in regards to my friendship, and that I deserve better. Keep in mind- I, not one time, had to prod any of this from her, it was like something just went off inside of her.

 

She did use the term "your unrequieted feelings", as in "I wouldn't want to be your friend with your unrequieted feelings, you would get hurt", but, whatever.

 

Personally, I'm more amused than confused. She wants some guy whom only wants her for sex. I could develop an interest in her again (although right now she's so scatter-shot I wouldn't touch it), but she wouldn't want me for the other guy. Yet, when she's around the other guy, she talks about me all the time, and she's always asking my friends about me, and saying nice things about me in the office.

 

One friend thinks she feels guilt over breaking up, but that time has long since passed.

 

Another thinks she's lonely and between men.

 

I think she's lonely and having to deal with the realities of the relationship we had for 4 years, which she's never had to deal with. She jumped right into a "situation" without ever really dealing with our breakup. Now she is. I'm lost to her as a friend, and I don't think she wanted to lose that...some small thread to know that her "emotional" safety net, me, might still be around.

 

Please share thoughts and opinions on this. Part of me (60%) wants to forget her, and just go 120% NC. Another part (30%) wants to pursue her in the hopes of winning her back. The final 10% told me to post on eNotAlone and see what everyone says. Oh, .05% is really miffed that she would use me for great, utterly fantastic, mind blowing sex, but I'm somehow not good enough to compare with someone she demeans as she did. That's the small part that hurts- the part that asks "why aren't *I* good enough, what's wrong with *me* that you don't want me, but someone else? Why can't you want me?"

 

I don't think she realises that her telling me she would only use me for sex hurts, though I realise she must hurt because of what the guy told her- basically the same thing. /sigh

[arwen]

Hi meester,

 

Both you and your friends are right. She sounds desperate after this experience, is in between men, and the first time you spoke (and the text that followed) is probably out of guilt. She was relieved you were doing well.

 

Keep in mind, I think she is really hurt by that other man. Which means the stronger she is 'against' him (the bad sex story is a classic there), the stronger her feelings towards him probably were. And YOU don't want to be her rebound of that. Believe me I have been in the exact same place. He (the ex in question) is still together with that girl he once proclaimed was ugly, nasty, etc.

 

Read through the lines when she badmouths this guy. I'd say go back to strict NC. She's about to use you.

 

Ilse

[solo34]

Damn man...U got a potential Fatal Attraction on your hands...watch it. She's not stable, but willing and able. Bad combo my friend, bad combo.

 

-Solo34

[Juha]

Sounds like she possibly has self esteem issues...

 

She may think she is not good enough for you....

 

She seems to be all over the place with her emotions...

 

I would be very careful.......

[Meesterjojo]

Good thoughts all around! Thanks.

 

I agree with all of them- she doesn't seem stable, her actions and emotions go against what she says, and of course the whole bit with the Uber Troll (of course, I'll admit, and you'll have to take my word for it- I was not at all physically attracted to her at first, it was all personality/mental, and a lot of sex).

 

I absolutely don't want her to use me as her emotional (or otherwise) rebound. Oddly though, she seems A-OK with remaining distant. We emailed this morning at work reiterating everything from yesterday, and we were very formal. I'm wondering if perhaps she needed a boost, I provided it unknowingly, and now sated, she's ready to face new challenges?

 

If I did, that's ok, more power to her. I'd say I'm fairly over her, I, and I think most would agree, don't like to be the "lesser" person, the one passed by for something supposedly worse. /shrug

 

Back to 110% NC!