Essentially divorced but sharing a home...

[Lunabelle]

I'm warning you all now this is a long post. I apologize in advance. I have a lot to get off my chest. I long to hear that there's others out there in similar weird situations, that I'm not the only one. I don't know which forum I should really post in.

 

Been married 20 years. Gasp! And it hasn't been great. Basically your garden-variety lackluster relationship. 20 years. Jeez I can't believe it. 3 kids, ages 15, 13, 11.

 

I filed for divorce in 2002. He convinced me to drop the whole thing. And I did, and I regret it. Now we share our home, sleeping in separate rooms for the last year, and are raising our kids. We are like roommates but every so often we have an ugly argument. No sex, no fun, just sheer endurance every day. Holidays, birthdays are torture and I don't even acknowledge our anniversary.

 

I'm staying married for my kids. So I can provide them the home they've always known. It does suck, but when suck is all you've ever known, it's still home.

 

I hate my husband. I alternate between hatred and pity for him. Through a huge amount of working on myself, therapy, self-talk, etc I've been able to get my own act together. Got out of bed and found myself a great job so I can support myself nicely.

 

It's been a lifetime of listening to him criticize me. Primarily we're talking verbal abuse. I don't know what to call the other stuff he's done. His method of coping when I was too depressed to eat or get out of bed was to stand and scream at me to get up and take care of the house. His addiction to internet porn was a problem for me too. Not any more. I don't care anymore. I wish I cared. I want to care. But I don't. Too much hurt under the bridge. Like the country song says, My Give A Damn is broken.

 

I've recently come to understand that all this time I thought he loved me, I was just a prop to help him love himself. And when I don't my duty in that way, he turns on me. Never mind, I don't even want to talk about him.

 

Am I crazy for thinking I can stay with him a few more years, just for the sake of the kids? The kids know, obviously, they're not dumb. I've told them that even though he has asked me to leave in front of them, that I will not leave them, no matter what. I see how torn the kids are between us. They certainly aren't seeing how to have a real relationship, a meaningful loving relationship. Kids just want their parents together, no matter what. They don't care that the relationship hurts one of the parents (or both of them), they're kids, they can't go there conceptually and I understand that. I don't ask them to choose between us but of course they also feel the strain of the horrible marriage, the tension, the irritability, the ugliness. Staying in this marriage makes me feel so useless, so ugly, so unwanted and hateful.

 

How can I stay? How can I go? How can I rip apart the only life my kids have ever known?

 

Living here is one of the hardest things I've had to do.

I've stayed for 20 years, what's a few more? I just try to ignore him as much as possible and go about my life. It's the loneliness that hurts so bad. I can't pursue any other relationship while I'm still embroiled in this one. But jeez I am so lonely for interesting adult company. I see myself being overly friendly to people at work and around me because I'm so desperate for companionship. My other friends are also super-busy in their mom-ness and/or working. My one close friend is wonderful, but I can't crush her with my needs.

 

I'm just so lonely. It seems to me that someone, somewhere, would find me a worthwhile, interesting person and want to care for me and love me and be with me. Living with a man who doesn't is more painful than I imagined it would be when I decided to move into the other room instead of move out of the house.

 

I am alienated from my family, none lives in california anyway and as my outspoken sister-in-law likes to say, "who wants to visit when the marriage is in trouble?" I guess when they made that decision they never imagined we'd last 20 years. And I am angry that my family has not provided any help for me to escape.

 

I've realized at my "advanced age" that I have abandonment issues, not imagined ones or unfound fears but I have the issues for valid reasons. I've spent my life feeling unwanted, and continue to do so, and my desperation for love and acceptance embarrasses me. Frankly I feel like my life is over, I've shot my wad so to speak, it's all down hill from here.

 

I go about my life like it's one big charade. I work quite successfully. I do volunteer work and cook dinner for my kids and drive them to practice and scouting and go to their games. In most ways I'm just a normal middle-aged Mom raising a family. But underneath it all I'm angry, I'm lonely and feel cheated out of a happy life. Is this really all there is? Of course I would have left him long ago if we had not had children. My duty to them overrides any feelings for myself. My parents have taught me how it feels to have parents who can't or won't make time for you, who aren't phyically there for you, or who in so many ways just make it clear that you don't matter.

 

I recently realized I'm more angry at my parents than I've admitted before. I also see that resolving the crap with my parents probably won't accomplish much. I don't think it can actually be resolved. It's not like they can (or will) apologize and that makes it all better. It sure as heck won't improve my relationship with them. It sure as heck won't improve my marriage or my self-worth. I've got to deal with all that on my own.

 

I'm tired of fighting the depression. I'm tired of thinking I brought on all these problems because I was somehow insufficient or damaged goods. I'm not. But I sure as heck allowed so many other people to use me and hurt me in the name of loving me. I've turned rather cynical. Man-hating sometimes. People-hating is a better description.

 

I've found the balls to get on with things, I'm working full time even though I feel so guilty about not being there for my children after school. Why can't I get up the nerve to leave this marriage? What could I possibly be afraid of? I already have nothing, emotionally.

 

Is writing this post just an exercise in self-punishment, mental torture to make myself feel something, after trying to numb myself from it all? Why do I take it all so seriously?

[annie24]

Hi - welcome to eNotalone.

 

I am so sorry - my heart hurts for you. It sounds like you're at the end of your rope. Will your husband go to therapy with you? Try to work out your issues.

 

While, yes, you are staying together for your kids, it's not doing them any favors by seeing their parents unhappy. Like you said, you're not providing them a good role-model as to what a healthy relationship is.

 

Reassure them that you will always be part of their lives, divorced or married.

 

I think you have some soul-searching to do, but I bet no matter what you choose, it will be the right thing.

 

(((HUGS)))

[Lunabelle]

Yeah, we've done the therapy route. A few years of it, actually. I still see the therapist a couple times a month, dear husband "did not have time". Therapy helped me see what a narcissistic, passive-aggressive clod the DH really is, and what an idiot I've been for allowing the verbal abuse over the years. The therapist feel strongly about how harmful divorce will be for the children, and I know his views color my own, even as I admit I am of two minds about the whole divorce or not issue. As a rule, I say not, but then again when I "made" that rule, I never imagined being in the spot I'm in, isn't that always the way it happens? I see my own contributions to the problems, but I don't care. I don't love him anymore. It's just an endurance question at this stage. I don't care that he hurts and he's lonely too. After 20 years of not mattering to him, I've finally figured out that quote about how insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. And I chose sanity. I'm not doing the same thing (arguing with him or defending myself) and I'm no longer expecting any results. It's better that way, the pain is less but the loneliness takes its place.

 

By the way, thanks for listening/reading. See, I'm doing it again, I'm so desperate for contact I have to show gratitude every time anyone's even remotely nice to me. I'm disgusted by my own pathetic-ness. I seem to range between being needy and being repulsed by my own neediness and I'm pretty darn confused right now.

[hardcharger]

Hi Lunabelle, so sorry for the all the pain you have been going through. I am 19 yrs married and have had my share of marriage pain. In this situation I can't really tell you what to do.

 

If you Stay - probably for sure that is the best thing for the kids, esp at this age, you only have a few more years to go. With divorce, finances could be tough, custody and visitation problems, it's all bad. Only a few years to go in that regard. But that decision has to be up to you.

 

How about an affair? I know that migth be blasphenous, but seriously, if you are sneaky enough, maybe you can get the support you need elsewhere. If it's over, it's over. My best friend has had a bad marriage for years and he has a few girlfriends, he get the sex and companionship he needs, the kids continue to have a stable home and life goes on. His doesn't know, but I have to think she knows subconsiously, who knows, but he has his "hobbies" and he gets what he need to put up with her.

 

Don't think i'm some creep. I've never had an affair in my 20 yrs with my gal, and lately things have taken a dramatic turn for the better. I've always had a stable, fulfilling sex life no matter how bad it got otherwise. But for me, I know that if I had to live a life without sex, I would look elsewhere, discreetly, before I just picked up and left. How's that for some advice?? If it is that bad, maybe you can find someone to appreciate you and love you, while you go through the motions these last few years. Trouble is, you might end up with some looser who causes you more grief than without. Good luck GAL! No you are not pathetic, when the pain is so bad, sometimes you just have to tell others and look for encouragement or advice, that's what this place is all about.

[Relationship Coach]

Luna,

 

I feel for you as I have traveled down a similar road years ago. I'm glad you are in therapy but I'm a little surprised at your therapists advice on divorce. At 15, 13 and 11 your kids are not oblivious as to what is going on and they deserve to be raised in a happy home, not just a home in which they know. Sorry I totally disagree with what you have been told. Kids adapt, mine did and they were 6, 14 and 16. The oldest two were my ex's children that I raised from the time that they were 2 and 4, today the are 21 and 19 and are very close to me. Haven't you suffered long enough? Your youngest is 11, which means you have 7 more years of this slow death of a life to look forward too.

 

Staying together for the kids is the wrong reason. You sound like a very strong woman who could certainly start over and find happiness. Don't you think your kids would also benefit from your happiness? I do. In 2002 you were on the right path, he changed your course but you can't get back on it whenever you decide that YOU are more important than HIM. You and your kids can be happy, trust me.

 

RC

[Lunabelle]

hey hardcharger, I like your advice. I admit I had this thought myself. It just seems like a rotten way to start a relationship, hidden and furtive. And even if it's all above board between the two cheaters, it can still hurt! Thanks for taking time to reply.

 

RCoach -- I agree with you too! Staying particularly rubs against my grain of being responsible for my own happiness, of facing my fears, of setting & maintaining the whole boundaries issues, of being the example for my kids. I've been reading a lot about the "love bank" concept and I realize we're just constantly making withdrawals from each our accounts and never putting anything back in......I know I'm one tough broad, so to speak, but how long could he deal with this? I gotta say he's made it a lot longer than I thought he would, which proves my theory that he's a lot more screwed up emotionally than he likes to think. He apparently doesn't believe he deserves any better either. I suppose we'll just hash it out another couple years and see what cards we're dealt over time...I know my life is going to keep changing quite a bit as my children age, and I look forward to those changes, I'm so ready for something new, being a working parent is grueling to say the least.

 

But I had to laugh about having an affair. I knew how to do that when we I was young and pretty (although I never did it!) but now? About all I have left to offer is my sparkling personality lol. And I certainly can't meet someone in town, everyone knows me as a married woman. I keep my eyes open around the office, not for co-workers (no way) but you know, vendors and sales reps or other people you come in contact with.....the only guy I've come in to contact with definitely gave me the right messages.....but his baggage was no suitcase, it was a tractor trailer rig overflowing and it didn't feel right....I keep his number around but have never had the nerve to use it....what do you say? yeah, I'm still married, but do ya wanna go out for coffee? I guess so!

[Darketernal]

Your giving your children a bad example by staying in a unhealthy relationship. The problem is initiated by this. I let a man abuse my kindness creating a one way road marriage (love only coming from your side) , and your husband has to learn that shouting doesn't always resolve a situation, sometimes a delicate and 'subtle' approuch is needed to get things back on track. Im not sure (so i guess) that you complained enough to him, about what you need and what was wrong.

 

Love has to go 'both' ways, and when you FULLY understand that this is not the case in your marriage you have to say to yourself 'STOP to here and no further'.

 

What's worse is that you have a weak personality when it comes to 'persevereance' and that you constantly slapping the back of your hands into the spines of some cactus expecting to find 'softness and kindness' which of course is silly because the nature of the plant is that it has spikes that hurt you when you come too close, you expected all kinds of things from your husband that weren't there to begin with. You have been deceived that he loved you, he loved your nuturing of his ego selfcentric needs.

 

As far as your actions concern i think you to a certain extend did the right thing, trying theraphy , staying in the marriage for the kids , giving it chances and trying to fix the thing. However

 

You failed to realise that your marriage was a wrong turn that lead to a dead-end road. Neither your children, not you, nor your husband are benefitting from that situation, rather you are hurting everyone by letting a painfull event endure in the full knowledge that you can't 'mend' this marriage back together, nor are you in the position to do so, the change must come from your husband and you will have to be the person to let him realise that you are not to be messed with. My advice is as following.

 

DIVORCE HIM!, again and keep your paws STIFF!!! this time, get a new home,prepare for any custody battleing and bring your children there. Do not budge or give in, frankly when you gave in last time, you basically said ' ok, i will still be your nanny and do your chores even tho you don't love me back so i can be your slave.

 

* * * * him.

[Scout]

Lunabelle, reading (and re-reading) your post, I'm experiencing conflicting takes on your situation.

 

On the one hand, I admire your honesty about your feelings. I also commend the extraordinary work you've done on yourself to get out there in the world and function so productively in professional and volunteering capacities. I sense at heart you're a warm, spunky lady (with a knack for making dry & witty observations.)

 

But...something else was coming through to me in your posts. I sincerely hope this doesn't upset you too much, and trust me, I have been guilty of doing this myself in certain points of my life. What I want to say is, I get the feeling you largely believe things have happened to you that have resulted in your constant unhappiness. Your parents...your husband...their actions dictated an unpleasant life for you.

 

Now, your parents...I'm not even going to dispute that. We have no control as children on what our parents do to us, how they treat us, and its their responsibility to give us a secure and loving childhood.

 

However, once we're adults, we're usually given the choice to accept our childhoods might have been awful, but we now have control over our lives to improve things for ourselves.

 

And while your husband may be a real jerk...you didn't go too much into detail over the specifics of what he's done...I can tell you if my partner shut down and spent most of their time in bed, I would become very, very frustrated and probably start yelling at them to get up, too.

 

It seems to me that you currently feel you are sacrificing a great deal by, as you say, "enduring" each day. You feel you're doing something good for your kids simply by getting through the day.

 

Let's face it, this is probably excruciating for them to watch.

 

I guess what i'm saying is, it sounds like you are putting all the responsibility of your horrible marriage on your husband.

 

Do you truly believe it's all his fault? Do you not feel that maybe you withdrew from him as a way to punish him when you felt attacked, criticized?

 

The problem is you now see your husband as a hostile adversary. Is there anyway you recognize he's been a contributor to your family?

 

I guess I believe there could actually be hope for your marriage. Look, you've stayed for two decades. Something is keeping you there, and I don't believe it's entirely for the sake of your children.

 

Maybe you two need another therapist. I don't know. But I sense your perspective - a rather consistently negative one, by the way - is possibly preventing you from seeing a truly objective picture of your marriage.

 

I hope you don't feel I'm putting you down. Like I said, you appear to be a good soul, basically, but there is a deeply rooted anger or maybe even sadness in you that I think might go beyond your husband's actions during your marriage.

[Lunabelle]

Scout, you've given me something to think about.

 

Yes, I'm angry, I clearly spelled that out in my OP, that's no underlying current you're feeling.

 

Yes, I feel negative about all of it. I'm only here because of some accidental meeting of egg and sperm. I only continue to be here because I resist the temptations to jump off cliffs or drive into a pole at high speed.

 

Yes, I withdrew from him. What idiot would keep offering herself, emotionally and sexually, to a man who continues to hurt her? Any man who feels I am obliged to meet his sexual needs must be prepared to meet at least some of my emotional needs.

 

Just because I didn't expand on all the problems I feel he has caused doesn't mean they aren't there. Amazingly enough, everyone comments about my anger and my negative stuff but no questions about his porn addiction?

 

I'm thinking about why I even posted in the first place, I think I am looking for suggestions for more successfully living my chosen "alternative" lifestyle. I knew I would see posts that said, divorce him. I knew I would get responses that said, look at your part in it. I don't see how people can "objectively" view their own marriage. That's like trying to be objective about your own big toe, you just can't, you're connected to it, it's you and you're it and there's no whiff of objectivity at all.

 

Maybe someone can tell me how people go about starting over, is that what we need to do? I just can't seem to forgive and forget. Forget, yes.

 

I guess I'm just trying to get up the guts to leave him. Crush my children, sell the house, move on. Sounds so great, I can hardly wait.

[Scout]

Lunabelle, my apologies. I don't know how I missed the part about his Internet porn addiction, but yep, there it is in your first post. That's a big, big issue, and believe me, I am very much against regular use of porn by someone who is married for goodness sake. But even if he hadn't used porn, I hope you don't think I was letting him off the hook for the state of your marriage and putting it all on you. Far from it. Anyway, let me give some more thought to your recent post, I would like to offer my feedback on it.

[Lunabelle]

Dark- do you have children?

 

Have you ever been more concerned with someone else than you are with yourself? Isn't that part of what being an adult is all about?

 

I find much of what you write is just dumb. I specifically spelled out what I was hoping for, advice on how to better live with the lifestyle I chose.

 

If you think it's all that simple, "just pack my bags and leave" you are seriously misunderstanding the whole issue here. I ignored your first comment about how I was "weak" (Did I ask for an assessment of my character?), but now you state I am "playing games" and "not facing reality"? Dark, I would prefer you did not provide further input to my OP. Thank you.

[Lunabelle]

Perhaps it would be more helpful to share more about my marriage.

 

The porn is not new but has definitely increased over the last five years, and he "blames" me since I am not fulfilling his sexual needs. I'll be honest and say the porn in and of itself I'm okay with, as an occasional "tool" or "toy" for couples. The problem I have is that he chooses to lock himself into his bedroom at all hours, choosing to be alone with his computer while the rest of us go without a husband or a dad.

 

Like any other addiction, it has directly affected his "availability" to the rest of the family. Not to mention his comments that compare me with those well-paid and well-developed gals on the screen. Ya know, I just might want it more often if I was paid to do it too! (that's a joke people).

 

He's never cheated (physically) that I know of. I do know that a few years back he was having online sex as he was saving his chat logs for later. I don't look at his computer activity any more. I'm pretty open sexually, more so than most I think, but some of the internet stuff is so disgusting, like shoving a woman's face in a used toilet during sex, it really revolted me and I don't want to be around anyone who wants to see that. Some of the girls are so young, undeveloped, what could possibly be sexually exciting in that?

 

He lies to me and others.

He does and says whatever he has to, in order to make himself look great and others not-so-great.

 

He refuses to accept any personal responsibility. When money is tight, instead of looking for a new job, he pressures me to earn more or goes to his Dad with his hand out. Dad usually complies, too. (This of course is probably the whole source of most of his issues).

 

He works as an independent consultant, resulting in no taxes coming out of his pay. Thus at year end, (when he has not made quarterly payments) we owe a bus load of money plus penalties, etc. Of course since I work as an employee, when the IRS needs to garnish wages for back taxes (that is, the year we "almost" divorced") the IRS comes after me not him. I have repeatedly told him clearly I expect him to pay his own taxes, make quarterly payments or have the companies voluntarily withhold, yet he refuses. Just like he refuses to establish any savings plans whatsoever, he refuses to save money for emergencies, he refuses to agree to any type of financial agreements at all. He spends freely on himself, especially at the computer store!

 

He is frankly a slob and living with him is quite difficult. He refuses to pick up after himself. Understand this, we both work full time. Yet he thought it was okay to complain to me that his toilet, in his bathroom, was disgusting and had to be cleaned. I'm sorry, I missed that memo explaining he was unable to wipe up his own SH*&^% and that was my job. I solved all this type of stuff by hiring a housecleaner. Would you believe this guy actually told me I "don't have the authority to hire a housecleaner". I nearly fell over. Apparently after all these years, he truly believes the house is his to own, mine to clean, and I'm "allowed" to live there by the graciousness of his heart. You know just writing out all this stuff makes me mad. That's why I prefer to forget about it!

 

I'm not talking about a few dirty socks on the carpet here. Even before I moved out of the bedroom, it was so piled with his crap and boxes of crap that there was barely a path from the bed to the bathroom. And that was only if you crawled off the end of the bed first. His stuff was overwhelming me. There's no way to clean around it. We are talking 2-foot tall piles on every flat surface in his room. It would be that way over the entire house if I let it. He leaves stuff everywhere. Brand new tools left on the lawn in the rain after he uses them once. He literally undresses anywhere in the house and leaves shoes, clothes, soda cans, whatever he had on him, right where they fall.

 

And this man has the balls to discipline our children when their rooms aren't clean. I literally laughed out loud.

 

He won't flush a toilet, shut a cabinet door. He won't lock the doors at night. He simply falls asleep at night wherever he is. There's no concept of locking up the house, turning off lights, shutting the garage doors, locking the pool gates. He just walks away, like he's three years old and it's someone else's responsibility. He won't maintain anything, not the house, not a car, he can barely manage to get himself a haircut every few months. He simply refuses to grow up.

 

He treats me like he's a child and I'm his parent, like I'll take care of all the stuff he chooses not to do. How could I possible entertain the concept of having sex with him? Would you become intimately involved with a child? He's just a big ol' kid in a grown man's body. And it's nowhere near as cute as it looks on tv.

 

I'm tired of being the only adult in the house. I'm tired of listening to his excuses about how nothing is his fault, he can't help it, everything about him is always due to someone else!

 

Yep, I married a dud. I thought he would change, I admitted as much to him, I thought he would see, as he grew older, that much of what he did to himself was not helpful, and that he'd see that and make changes to improve himself. I didn't marry him expecting to change him, but I did expect that a maturity would happen, that when he experienced more of life, he'd want more out of it, and put aside the excuses and step up and be a man. In fact I've found the complete opposite. As our life demanded more of him, as it naturally does as we age & marry & have kids, he never stepped up. He's exactly the same as when we met in college. There has been no growth process, no maturing. He lives exactly the same and acts exactly the same. His life is all about him ("I can't eat chicken for dinner, I had it for lunch") and always will be.

 

No, I don't see this becoming a happy, fulfilled marriage.

He's not going to step up and become the adult I want. That would require entirely too much actual work and effort on his part.

 

Yes, I contributed to this. Mainly by allowing it all to be okay in the first place.

 

Yes, I withdrew sexually after a while. It was the only power I had in the marriage. Talking ,explaining, arguing, all this got me nowhere with him. He listens, but doesn't hear. Everything is twisted around to what it means to him, what it says about him. I've tried to make myself clear to him, writing letters in calmer moments, and his only response was that he can't wait to debate it with me. I declined. I'm not looking for a sparring partner. I'm looking for an adult.

 

What kills me is that he likes to come accross as this capable, super-wonderful guy. You know, coaching the kids teams and treating them to pizza. Giving kids rides to scouting, etc. He is SOOOOOO nice and polite to everyone except his family. He'll literally be screaming at us, and if the phone rings he'll answer it right in the middle of it all and he turns into this lovable, caring, sweet talking guy who'll do anything for the caller. He is more polite to strangers on the street than he is to us.

 

Yes, I know I deserve better treatment. Living with my decision is hard. Some days harder than others.

[Scout]

Lunabelle, if you re-read Darketernal's comments, they actually support you getting the hell out of this marriage. Don't let that one comment about "weakness" color the whole post; looks like she was with a dud herself, and sees the signs of a dead-end marriage.

 

You really reacted strongly to what you perceived as criticism in Darketernal's post. It's like you didn't even see the actual insight and advice there.

 

Yes, your marriage sounds pretty awful. Your husband does sound unbearable. But at Dark's frank suggestion to leave the cause of your unhappiness, you rather flew off the handle.

 

We're not the enemy here, ok?

[Lunabelle]

I never said you were the enemy. I'm sorry you feel that way. That is not the impression I intended to leave.

 

Neither did I fly off any handle.

 

I find Dark's personal comments unwarranted.

None of you can possibly assess my character weaknesses by these posts. Anyone who thinks they can is only fooling himself or herself.

 

I think it's okay for me to ask someone not to continue responding. I have every right to ask that, just as everyone else has every right to post whatever the hell they want.

 

I'm not asking permission to leave my husband. I certainly don't need that from anyone much less someone I don't even know.

 

Apparently I have posted in the wrong forum.

[Beyondthesea]

I don't think you've gone to the wrong forum. Everyone has a right to their opinions I think, and no one means to upset you at all.

 

What kind of support are you looking for exactly? Are you just looking to vent, or do you want to know what you should do?

 

Personally I'm of the opinion that if your kids already know what is going on, you two don't get a long at all, you are in a steady job of your own, it's time to move or ask him to move.

 

There is no benefit to the children at this point, obviously they know what has occurred. What do you feel is holding you back from ending this relationship?

[Lunabelle]

you expected all kinds of things from your husband that weren't there to begin with. You have been deceived that he loved you, he loved your nuturing of his ego selfcentric needs. You failed to realise that your marriage was a wrong turn that lead to a dead-end road. Neither your children, not you, nor your husband are benefitting from that situation, rather you are hurting everyone by letting a painfull event endure in the full knowledge that you can't 'mend' this marriage back together, nor are you in the position to do so, the change must come from your husband and you will have to be the person to let him realise that you are not to be messed with.

 

I think you are right. I'm sorry I got angry with you. I find I am occasionally unable to deal with it all.......sorry........

[Scout]

I'm sorry, Lunabelle. Some of the advice here is maybe a different take than what you wanted to hear. I still don't think Dark's comments were meant to assess you as a "weak character" although perhaps that was an unfortunate choice of wording on her part. (And maybe English isn't her first language, there are people that post here from all over the world, and perhaps she wasn't quite sure how to phrase that comment.)

 

You expressed you don't feel you are getting through to us. What kind of feedback would be more helpful to you? I do empathize with your pain and frustration, and want to help if I can without upsetting you further. I will say that based on what you described of your husband, your unhappiness clearly seems justified in my opinion and I am sorry you are living such an unhappy experience. I really, really do feel your pain.

 

If you have any specific questions you'd like answered, I'll try my best to stay on track with that.

[Scout]

Oh, and you must have posted your apology to Dark while I was writing my post above. Yeah, I can see you're frustrated, and again, I can completely empathize with your reasons for being so.

[Beyondthesea]

Anyone could understand why you are upset. It is a very difficult thing to deal with! But you can talk to us. We're here to listen!

[Lunabelle]

Thanks Scout and Thanks BeyondtheSea.

 

In the middle of all this I exchanged some bulls*()&t emails with the husband and jeez it just sets me off.

 

How can he just send off these fancy little emails asking me what are my plans for the weekend, like everything is okay? Like we are a regular ol' happily married couple? He just doesn't even understand basic English, which is our first language by the way (even tho I get that for some of you it may not be!)

 

My therapist says the fact that I still get hurt and angry means I am still attached to him. I think it just means I'm still available to him.

 

I'm beginning to think a second opinion on the therapist front may not be such a bad idea....I wonder where I would be right now if I had not let his opinions color my decisions? The therapist's parents divorced when he was 16, and it crushed him, so he assumes it will do that to all kids. I'm sure to some extent it does.

 

I understand that I need to be more clear in the help I am looking for her. I will work on that.

[Scout]

How can he just send off these fancy little emails asking me what are my plans for the weekend, like everything is okay?

 

That has to be maddening for you. An ex-boyfriend of mine, when we were in a relationship, was very emotionally and verbally abusive with me. And then a second later, would act like we were a normal couple. It was like, if he was nice right after being a jerk, it somehow "erased" how rotten he behaved. I found that incredibly galling.

 

If you feel your therapist is giving you advice based on his personal beliefs - rather than what is best for you - it might not be a bad idea to do some shopping around. Bottom line, this person is paid to give you guidance in your best interest, so don't feel guilty for considering someone else who might be a better fit.

[Lunabelle]

The main reason I have stayed with this therapist is he has met the husband and seen him in action during our marriage counseling. I felt this gave the therapist an edge in understanding what I was going through.

 

However I do agree that he's simply hired help -- it's not like we're friends, and if he gives me bad advice it's no skin off his back. I have made progress under his care, I can't deny that. Maybe I'm ready to progress more (divorce?) but the therapist isn't?

[Scout]

Maybe I'm ready to progress more (divorce?) but the therapist isn't?

 

Lol, that could very well be the case! Do you feel you need a therapist to somehow give an "ok" to leave the marriage? Because if so, are there any lingering reasons in your mind why you should stay or doubt your own decision making?

 

I'm not suggesting you do one thing or another. I just can see that this is a decision you are struggling with, and if you're anything like me when it comes to the decision process, I have to weigh EVERYTHING out, analyze from every possible side, etc.

[Lunabelle]

are there any lingering reasons in your mind why you should stay or doubt your own decision making?

 

Maybe. I shall think this over.

[Darketernal]

Dark- do you have children?

 

Have you ever been more concerned with someone else than you are with yourself? Isn't that part of what being an adult is all about?

 

I find much of what you write is just dumb. I specifically spelled out what I was hoping for, advice on how to better live with the lifestyle I chose.

 

If you think it's all that simple, "just pack my bags and leave" you are seriously misunderstanding the whole issue here. I ignored your first comment about how I was "weak" (Did I ask for an assessment of my character?), but now you state I am "playing games" and "not facing reality"? Dark, I would prefer you did not provide further input to my OP. Thank you.

 

The primairy reason that you don't want me to provide further input is because you are unable and unwilling to confront yourself with the 'truth'. What you need is a hard SLAP in your face, and ask yourself the question ' What in Gods name am i doing against myself?' ](*,)

 

Your husband, he's easy readable to me, you see your husband is what we call a 'spoiled child' , why work if you hold your hands open and money flies in, why put the trash outside if the wife will do it for me, why make the effort to sleep in bed, while i can sleep right here? (Jesus Christ)

 

So he just jumps from pleasure to pleasure from comfort zone to comfort zone, since you leaving him would put him 'out of the comfort zone' he begged you to stay, and you actually fell for it :splat: , its just sad.

 

Anway when one takes a wrong direction and ends up in a world war one must 'go aaaaaaalllll the waaaaay back , to the point where it started out wrong' , then make a decision to take a different turn, rather then a wrong turn. You already came to the final decision that your marriage was a wrong decision from the beginning to the end.

 

Now we are all waiting with eager for you to divorce him, take a step back and make healthy decision on deciding what direction and course you will take now in life. Don't worry about the kids, they have you, they never had a 'dad' to begin with. Marriage is a 'continues' investment from BOTH sides, You all only had "EGO MAN" , you must stop this self torture immediately and take decisive actions to bring yourself out of the darkness, and back into the light.

 

Cast off your fear!, Look forward, GO forward, Never stand still, Retreat and you will age, Hesitate and you will die.