Could cheating be good? (PLEEEEASE BE OPEN-MINDED!)

[Jonah5678]

Okay, I've posted before, but I feel as though I was over-complicating the issue. Here's where I'm at:

 

I love my g/f of 6+ years more than anything in the world. She's so beautiful, perfect, and wonderful to me. At the rate we're going, I can't see any reason why we won't be together for the rest of our lives.

 

However, I feel as though I need to experience sex with other people. It's nothing against her, she's very sexually satisfying. I just really want to be with a few other girls. Plain and simple: I'm your typical young & horny male.

 

I know what the responses are going to be: if you're looking elsewhere, you don't deserve her / you don't really love her / you need to decide what's more important, etc. I understand.

 

The thing is, I feel that if I don't take the chances with the girls around me now, I'll regret it for the rest of my life and be a miserable husband to her. She doesn't deserve that. I understand that the lying is wrong, but wouldn't breaking her heart over a problem I could solve on my own be worse? Yes, the stigma around cheating would suggest that I should just be honest, but look at this rationally: why should I hurt both of us so much by breaking up with her just for my own problems that can be taken care of? Also, I would never cheat on her after I take my wedding vows.

 

I feel as though if I could "get it out of my system", I would be all right. Heck, I think that it's possible that after one girl, maybe even just kissing her, I would realize that it wouldn't be worth it. I just NEED to know...

 

So, please, avoid the cliches and preconceived notions about cheating... what do you think?

[busterkeaton]

The problem is (and don't flame me females) men never really get it out of their system - it's always lurking around - it's in our nature. I see your point totally though but I doubt she would however. They think differently from us. Tough call - one that every guy has to make.

[BellaDonna]

I don't know what kind of answer you expected to this question.

 

Bottom line:

The thing is, I feel that if I don't take the chances with the girls around me now, I'll regret it for the rest of my life and be a miserable husband to her. She doesn't deserve that

 

She doesn't deserve to be cheated on either.

 

Your feelings of wanting to experience different things are completely normal- and it's good you are aware that you are having those feelings.

 

You should be honest with your girlfriend and tell her what you're feeling, because what you're doing right now is trying to have your cake and eat it too (sorry for the cliche but it's 100% reality- otherwise you would not even be considering cheating)

 

Aside from any moral issues about cheating- keep in mind that even if you have protected sex with other woman, you still risk giving your girlfriend (who you care about )STD's. A quick example: condoms do fail- and even when they work perfectly- they don't protect you from pubic lice or herpes from skin-to-skin contact if a herpes lesion is on the groin or leg area.

 

You put your girlfriend at a health risk if you plan to have sex with other women while having sex with her. That's not something you want to do to someone you care about.

 

Also, if she ever found out you cheated- you'd be doomed. That would break her heart far worse than you being honest with her and breaking up with her the decent way.

 

No matter how you look at it- if you decide to cheat on her- it's not right. your idea, in essense, would string her along under the contention of a lie- while you did whatever and whoever you wanted.

 

I doubt anyone on here is going to tell you what you want to hear, or justify your plan to cheat on your GF.

 

 

BellaDonna

[BellaDonna]

The problem is (and don't flame me females) men never really get it out of their system - it's always lurking around - it's in our nature.

 

That's a sad excuse to hurt another person....to blame it on "nature" or the whole male race.

 

Even if what you're saying is true about male urges, men have also brains and free will and they can make choices as adults not to pursue those urges.

 

 

BellaDonna

[hosswhispra]

I feel as though if I could "get it out of my system", I would be all right. Heck, I think that it's possible that after one girl, maybe even just kissing her, I would realize that it wouldn't be worth it. I just NEED to know...

 

Jonah-

 

There is an exact same story somewhere here on enotalone (I wish I could find it--you maybe able to after some searching) where another guy felt like you do now---he was also with his girlfriend for a long time 7+ years. He told his girlfriend and he went out and 'tried' different girls.

 

He was miserable and he wanted his original girlfriend back---she did not take him back and she's dating someone else now. He is miserable without her....

 

So it's up to you. But if you are going to do this, tell her. This way you can give her a chance to find someone who really loves her...

 

good luck,

hosswhispra

[theantibarbie23]

At the rate we're going, I can't see any reason why we won't be together for the rest of our lives.

 

Cheat on her and you'll soon see that reason as these things do have a way of coming back to bite you in the butt.

 

No, cheating is never a good thing. It is the easy thing. It's the coward's way of handling a problem. It's a lot more difficult to show restraint or to work on improving problems within a relationship than it is to start shacking up with other people.

 

If you loved your girlfriend as much as you claim, you wouldn't ever risk losing her to get laid. The sex would not be worth the possibility of the utter devastation it would cause.

 

If you can honestly imagine the intense heartbreak and agony something like this could cause her and you still think it's a good idea, do her a favor and end things so she can find someone whom will treat her with the respect she deserves.

[shes2smart]

There are plenty of alternative relationship styles that allow you to have your cake and eat it too, so to speak.

 

The problems that arise from cheating aren't from the "sex with others" part per se, but the attendant lying, sneaking around and going behind others' backs part. My friend Ray always told me "no trust, no relationship." If you're lying about something that cruicial to the relationship, she can't be expected to trust you. I know I wouldn't...cheating's a deal breaker for me...not because of the "sex with others" part...but because of the lying.

 

Cheating requires there to be a lack of knowledge and consent.

 

If your partner knows you are having sex with others and consents to it, it's not cheating.

 

If your partner doesn't know you are having sex with others, s/he can't consent, so that's cheating.

 

If your partner knows you are having sex with others, doesn't consent, and you do it anyway, that's cheating (not to mention being an incosiderate person.)

 

If you feel you are "missing out" on something by being in a monogamous relationship, then maybe you'd better re-think being in a monogamous relationship at this point in your life. Some people just aren't cut out for monogamy and others wouldn't have it any other way. Where does your gf fall on that scale? Would she be willing to entertain the idea of an open relationship or a polyamorous relationship? Does your urge to sow your wild oats go both ways....if your gf wanted to see what other guys were like, would you be ok with that?

 

Have you spoken to your gf about this? It would only be fair to her to let her know you're feeling this way. If she knows she wants to be in a monogamous relationship, I wouldn't blame her for showing you the door if you don't. If one partner wants a monogamous relationship and the other doesn't, it's not one of those things that you can come to a compromise on...much like having children or not...you either do or you don't. If she wants to be in a monogamous relationship, she's got a right to have that and have a partner she can trust to hold up his end of the deal. To expect her to accept less shows a great deal of disrespect on your part.

 

However, if you haven't discussed it with her, you don't know if she might be willing to do a little experimenting with alternative relationship styles. There are plenty of people who engage in swinging or polyamory who have a primary partner while having secondary partners. It does work for some people, but it doesn't work well if any party involved is lying.

[Jetta]

Well obviously your not ready to be committed to anyone. Sex is best when it's shared with the one you love, plain and simple. Otherwise it's just a meaninless motion. And I found this out through experience.

 

Now that I've become Christian and see what God has to say my views are changing. God says sex outside of the bond of marriage is a sin, so my future partner is just going to have to trust that I know what I'm doing. But like I said in my experience the best sex was when it was the guy I was in love with. Any other sexual experience I had was a waste.

 

So if you want to go f#$ around with other woman. Go ahead. You'll lose everything you have with her including her, and you'll gain the knowledge that it really wasn't any better elsewhere.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I'm sorry, I disagree with the original poster.

 

I feel that if I don't take the chances with the girls around me now, I'll regret it for the rest of my life and be a miserable husband to her.

Then there is something wrong. She should be your one and only, regardless of your libido. And would you cheat on her after your wedding vows if you never got to cheat on her beforehand? Will that curiosity and horny streak still be there and is it a must that you act upon it? I mean, if you are going to be a miserable husband to her because you couldn't sleep with other women, then I am sorry to say but she deserves better. That may sound harsh, and if it did it was unintended, but look at it in her eyes. She is going to think there is something wrong with her if you need to run around and chase tail.

 

Yes, the stigma around cheating would suggest that I should just be honest, but look at this rationally: why should I hurt both of us so much by breaking up with her just for my own problems that can be taken care of? Also, I would never cheat on her after I take my wedding vows.

Sorry, there is no rational explanation for cheating, otherwise you wouldn't have asked us, I believe. Taking care of your problem by sleeping with other women? If that happens then it's BOTH of your problem, and you can kiss that future wedding goodbye.

 

But on the flip side, say you have a talk with her and she agrees. And she wants to do the same thing and experience other guys. Are you prepared for what will happen, like the chances of her falling for someone else? And why wouldn't you be "wowed" by a girl who is absolutely miraculous in the sack? Sex is more powerful than you think. It can screw up your emotions. It can enhance those desires, and you'll be so confused you won't know what hit you. Hosswispra is right, if you do need to (cliche alert!) sew those wild oats, then tell her. But don't expect her to wait withopen arms when you return from your Vaginafest '06.

 

I have seen it before in some relationships, but only on Springer & Montel, which means chances of this having a happy ending are slim to none. And slim just left the building.

 

Good luck! Whatever you choose, I hope you and your girlfriend are happy.

[RayKay]

Yes you have biological desires, but you also were blessed with a brain and a conscience....as for compassion & empathy maybe that is something developed later.

 

Sure you have the "right" to sleep around..but you DO NOT have the right to hurt your partner that way when she is expecting commitment. You are not only putting her physical health at risk (NO protection is 100% effective) but you are also putting her emotional health in huge jeopardy. And she will find out one way or another. People always do. You would STILL be breaking her heart, and in FAR worse ways then if you just ended it. She would NEVER trust you again, she would probably develop huge issues with trusting anyone after having been lied to and cheated on by someone she did trust. I would rather someone break it off with me then cheat on me, any day.

 

If you want to "sow your wild oats" then you opt to be single to do it, plain and simple.

 

The reason you won't be together the rest of your lives is because cheating will mean your relationships is based on deceit, and that is NOT what a true, loving relationship is about.

 

These are not preconceived notions, these are comments from experiences of myself and friends.

[hosswhispra]

I FOUND THE POST!

 

It's by a guy named sentencedtoagony---he posted in the suicide forum on Sunday and that's how I found about his story:

 

 

Read what he says in the third paragraph...

 

 

P.S. Jonah--look at his profile--in the area where it says 'Interests'--he says his interest is in getting back with his ex (pretty interesting, don't you think?)

[Mrocza]

I agree with all of the above, except for the first reply.

 

I'm trying to understand your dilemma here, but I can't help but think of you as a selfish pig who "wants to have his cake and eat it too".

 

You could risk your entire furture with this wonderful amazing woman because you're horny. Do you not see how irrational this sounds?

 

You're also incredibly self-centred. How would YOU feel if she was considering cheating on you to get it "out of her system". You don't know what you'll "regret". Do you miss your single days?

 

Ahh, maybe I am being a typical female about this but I know what is wrong and what isn't.

 

If you really want to try something new, why don't you ask her for role play. I've recomended this in a similar thread, but ask her to dress up, wear a wig, have an accent, be a different person. It might help?

[Dannysgirl]

I think that if you DO cheat and go out and 'sow your wild oats' you will probably find it immensely unsatisfying and wonder why you bothered in the first place. It will be particularly so if she finds out and dumps you.

Don't do it.

 

One question, would you be fine with it if your girlfriend decided she wanted to go out and lay a few different guys to 'get it out of her system?' You really have no idea how lucky you and and are on the verge of throwing it all away, that is very sad but part of me thinks that if it does happen your girlfriend might have had a lucky escape. Most guys (in my experience) who have 'urges' to cheat when they are in a relationship never really lose that urge and continue to do so throughout their lives.

[Mrocza]

I think he knows it's wrong. Otherwise he wouldn't be here. He's trying to get someone here to justify his actions so he doesn't feel guilty about it.

 

Your answer is there.

[shes2smart]

I think he knows it's wrong. Otherwise he wouldn't be here. He's trying to get someone here to justify his actions so he doesn't feel guilty about it.

 

Could be that or it could be one of those posts that's been put up just to get everyone's undies in a bunch. That happens every once in a while.

 

Though, due to the overall nature of the site, I think it's best to proceed as if it's a genuine issue.

[Dannysgirl]

Could be that or it could be one of those posts that's been put up just to get everyone's undies in a bunch. That happens every once in a while.

 

Though, due to the overall nature of the site, I think it's best to proceed as if it's a genuine issue.

 

I was thinking the same thing but didn't want to say anything in case I got flamed!

[OceanEyes]

Discuss the possibility of an open relationship with her. This is the only fair way to do it. I'm not going to judge you, nor do I care about your needs. As a fairly open-minded person, I'm not going to tell you what's "right" or "wrong". That's not for me to say, I'm not your girlfriend.

 

I appreciate that you have a desire to be out and about, and be able to have sex with who you wish, when you wish, as often as you wish, etc. But, at the same time, being in a relationship with someone does place a responsibility on you to consider them. THEY are a person, an individual with feelings, needs, and opinions of their own.

 

If you can work something out with her, like an open relationship, it will give you the freedom to explore these desires of yours, but ALSO give her an option to do the same. If and when you decide to do this, you're both still equals and you're not in a position of disrespect and deceit. You never know until you discuss this with her.

 

A better question, is would you even want to share her with other men? Could you handle the idea of her having casual sex with strangers? If the answer is NO, then I think you may find yourself in a hypocritical and compromising situation. You can't expect her to be O-K with something that you would not, just because you're "a man". That's just not a good enough reason, sorry to say.

 

If you really love and respect her the way you say you do, you won't just go out and start sleeping around. You are still in a position to be honest and consider HER feelings about this. Seriously, doesn't she matter too?

[Mrocza]

I FOUND THE POST!

 

It's by a guy named sentencedtoagony---he posted in the suicide forum on Sunday and that's how I found about his story:

 

 

 

Read what he says in the third paragraph...

 

 

P.S. Jonah--look at his profile--in the area where it says 'Interests'--he says his interest is in getting back with his ex (pretty interesting, don't you think?)

 

I read his thread...That really sucks

[arwen]

Well, I have to agree with OceanEyes here. The only fair way is to discuss it with your gf and suggest an open relationship.

 

If she is not as open-minded as you want us to be about this issue, I think you have two options. Either break up and saw your wild oats, or stay faithful in the relationship.

 

ilse

[SLMitchell918]

Even though you are not married to her, you two have an unspoken commitment. How would you feel if she suddenly had the need to go have a couple one night stands with some other guys?

 

You have apparently forgotten what a relationship is about. Obviously you don't have much respect for her either.

 

You know what you are asking and saying is wrong. If you do have sex with someone else, it could become something that you cannot stop.

 

I would advice not starting something that would be VERY destructive to your relationship but it sounds like you pretty much already know that you want to and are looking for us to tell you that it is okay.

[Itsok]

Wow, what a question!

 

Unfortunately, the truth is if you are that desperate to have sex with someone else that you even consider cheating, you are not ready for a committed relationship with that person, or anyone.

 

Many men say the same thing as you are saying now, and they cheat. Then the woman finds out and guess what? You're toast and will NEVER have her back again.

 

Think this through before you make any huge actions. You have to decide if you want to be loved or if you want sex. There are plenty of women willing to offer their bodies, but few who offer their soul.

 

Sadly, I think your girlfriend has been too good to you. If you were in a more turbulant relationship you would be too occupied trying to keep up the chase.

[BellaDonna]

There are plenty of women willing to offer their bodies, but few who offer their soul.

 

Sadly, I think your girlfriend has been too good to you. If you were in a more turbulant relationship you would be too occupied trying to keep up the chase.

 

Wow- that was very well said, Itsok.

 

 

BellaDonna

[busterkeaton]

That's a sad excuse to hurt another person....to blame it on "nature" or the whole male race.

 

Even if what you're saying is true about male urges, men have also brains and free will and they can make choices as adults not to pursue those urges.

 

 

BellaDonna

 

I did NOT think I was being encouraging one little bit. Just trying to help to poster understand his urges. I was NOT supplying him with an excuse. If you think what I say about male urges is untrue then you don't know men - sorry. Brains and free will is all very well and good but we are human and make mistakes - in actions and in thought. Are you perfect?

[Dannysgirl]

I did NOT think I was being encouraging one little bit. Just trying to help to poster understand his urges. I was NOT supplying him with an excuse. If you think what I say about male urges is untrue then you don't know men - sorry. Brains and free will is all very well and good but we are human and make mistakes - in actions and in thought. Are you perfect?

 

I doubt very much that Bella Donna thinks she's perfect, nobody is.

Your post did seem to imply that men can't control their urges and shouldn't be expected to because they're men and thereforeeee 'can't help themselves.'

[lunatic]

I did NOT think I was being encouraging one little bit. Just trying to help to poster understand his urges. I was NOT supplying him with an excuse. If you think what I say about male urges is untrue then you don't know men - sorry. Brains and free will is all very well and good but we are human and make mistakes - in actions and in thought. Are you perfect?

 

OK I am a man and I have never ever cheated on any of the women I have ever been involved with. The only time I have ever had the urge to cheat was when Things in my last long term relationship went south and sex was like going to the dentist. Very painful and the whole time I was there in bed with her it sucked.

 

So to tell you the truth buster I don't agree with either of you guys. I think that if the OP wants to sow his oats then he should be man enough to break up with her and to go do what ever he wants.

 

Watch yourself buster your on thin ice with this last post borderline flaming.