Long , depressing, and complicated.. you know you wanna read it.

[sugarmomma]

Gosh I feel like I am posting a lot on here, but my situation keeps changing and I am so confused.

 

I posted the other day because my boyfriend of almost two years was a virgin when we met. Well a few weeks ago he started making comments about sleeping with other woman. I confronted him on it and he confessed he has been curious about sleeping with other woman. I posted a thread asking advice about whether or not I should suggest swinging or if I should break up with him.

 

I got a lot of advice warning me not to swing. So I started another conversation with him, suggesting maybe we take a break, so that he can experience being single. He seemed relived when I suggested breaking up and he admitted he had been thinking about breaking up, but not so much to sleep with other people, more so he could be free and independent. He said that he didn't want to hurt me though. He has been sheltered by his parents his whole life (he's Indian) and has never really been on his own.

 

I asked him if he thought we would eventually get back together if we took a break, and he said he was sure. It would depend on whether or not his freedom and independence was worth losing me and that he wouldn't know until he experienced it. We have taken small breaks before and he was always miserable without me.

 

Normally I would suck it up and agree to the break, hoping for the best. But there's a catch of course. Last month I was diagnosed with MS. It has been very traumatic and I have relied on my boyfriend a lot. Usually I am very independent, but since I was diagnosed my emotional state is very fragile.

 

So while we were talking about taking a break I started to cry and I explained what a horrible time this is for me to go through a very painful break up. Today, actually I start my first round of medicine. I have to inject it every other day and it suppose to make me very sick for the first few months.

 

I guess I sort of laid a guilt trip on him, but then once I realized what I was doing I stopped and assured him I would be alright. I also explained that I couldn't be his friend for a very long time. That talking to him would be too hard and I need a long time of no contact and finally I told him what a shame it was because he probably wouldn't realize what he had until it was too late and I had moved on.

 

He started to panic a little and then he started to cry saying how he couldn't let me go. He asked me not to break up with him and said he was scared of losing me. He said that he couldn't imagine living without me and that he could indeed be independent with me.

 

At first I wouldn't agree to stay together. I accused him of only saying these things because I quilted about the MS. I told him I refused to live a lie, I also told him that the need for him to be independent wouldn't disappear and we were just delaying the break up. But after much pleading from him, I agreed to stay together because honestly I don't think I have the strength to break up right now. I told him to give me a few months, and then I would be strong enough.

 

He again assured me it had nothing to with the MS , that he realized through almost losing me how much he loved me, and that maybe we would be together forever. He said we should celebrate because we realized how much we love and need each other. Then he started to cry because he said he was afraid I didn't believe him. I assured him that I believed him, because he had never lied to me before, even at the expense of sparing my feelings. Then he also said he was afraid now that he had ruined things, again I assured him that he hadn't ruined anything and that I completely understand. Everything he feels in natural. Which is true.

 

Since then he has been extra sweet and affectionate. Calling me all the time. Holding me so tight he cuts off my circulation whenever I see him. Endlessly telling me how much he loves and misses me.

 

However I am heart broken. I can't get over knowing that deep down inside he wants to be free and sleep with other woman. I know that those feelings are never going to go away and I really do believe that most of the reason he decided to stay is because of my MS. I can't stop crying and all I want to do is sleep. I have been hiding every thing from him and putting on a brave face and acting like nothing has changed, but I feel myself emotional with drawling away from him. And I know he can sense it.

 

I know that I shouldn't delay our break up and I really feel like I should just suck it up and set him free, but I really don't think I have the strength to do it right now. Am I being selfish? Should I just force myself to break up now before we fall into old patterns and it's too hard? I feel like I am not being fair to him by staying together. And I can't seem to let go of what he has already told me. I am afraid that now I am going to try and sabotage the relationship because I am so hurt and that will be worse in the long run. But there is also a tiny piece of me that still has hope in our relationship, we have overcome much worse.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

[BellaDonna]

Has he decided to commit to you? Can he do so without feeling like he's "missing out on something"?

 

He said that he couldn’t imagine living without me and that he could indeed be independent with me

 

Does that mean he still plans on sleeping with other women while he's with you, or trying to get you to swing?

 

I guess it all depends on exactly what he means by being "independent".

 

 

BellaDonna

[shamus]

ouch that's a tough one.

 

i dont know exactly what to tell you. how old are both of you?

 

everyone wants to see if the grass is greener. if you guys stayed together, got married, down the road he may regret it and resent you, and could possibly cheat on you. if he's only been with you, he cant compare you to others and see if you are special.

 

i think you need to let him go. the ms thing may be guilt tripping him into staying, and that's not healthy for either of you.

 

as they say if its meant to be it will work out, if not learn from this and be strong.

[dishrag]

First, I'm sorry to hear about the MS. I have a co-worker who was diagnosed 2 years ago. His first round of treatments were not so bad. He's doing well and keeps taking those shots to keep things from getting worse. Having a support system is very important when you have huge changes in your health like this. Of course, you only want him to be there if he truly wants to be. I think going to counselling at this point is very important. You're going to be going through the normal stages of "grief" due to this disease and he needs to know what he should be doing right to help as part of your support system (even if it's just emotional support) and you need to know if he's going to be true to you.

 

My personal experience is that my ex has 4 autoimmune diseases and she's been showing a lot of signs that most would interpret as denial on top of leaving me to try to make herself happy. I think things would have been much different if not for the diseases. I wished we had gone to counselling sooner.

[sugarmomma]

Thanks so much for the advice so far. I am 28 and he is 27. He didn't mention anything about sleeping with other woman other than he didn't have that need right now after all. As I mentioned he has been very sheltered by his parents. As far as being independent I think he means free to make his own decisions and free to do as he pleases. IE- hang out with his friends when he wants, play music when he wants, basically not be obligated to do anything at any given time. In our present relationship I think he feels very obligated to spend time with when he would normally be doing other things.

 

So far he is still being extra affectionate and sort of clingy. Normally I am the clingy one.

 

I have been trying to give him his space and prepare myself for life without him, but it's so hard. I love him more than I imagined possible and he is being so sweet it's hard for me fall back into the relationship completely. It's so easy and natural.

 

I just don't know what to do.