My Dilemma...

[enolaton]

OK guys... need some advice...

 

I've implemented almost all the advice I've been offered on eNotAlone thus far. Been about 5 months since my ex broke up with me after our 3 year relationship. It wasn't a terrible break-up, and neither of us were left with any terrible feelings towards each other. We've managed to stay in touch one way or another, despite my NC attempts (even through her short-lived relationship with another guy, after we broke-up). Before and after this short-lived relationship, she has always maintained her wish (in fact, begged and hysterically cried MANY times) to be good friends (afterall, her reasoning was that I know her better than anyone, and we were best friends for 3 years). Now, over these past 5 months, I have moved on to the best of my ability, but I still want to be with her.

 

Recently, she has put the blame on me b/c our mutual friends (which are mostly ALL of our friends), have chosen "my side" becuase they sympathize with me, and becuase they know that I've currently chosen to NOT be friends with my ex, in order to heal. It's really not true, and she talks to them just as much as I do. I guess a lot of hurt feelings are involved, as always in break-ups, and the finger is always pointed at someone. We have since solved that problem.

 

The question is... I still care very much for her, and I do want to be her friend, but I am not fully over her, and her feelings for me, if any, remain to be seen. Regardless, I want her in my life, but at the same time, I'm afraid of possibly getting hurt again. I mean, we'll rarely see other anyhow, and it will be more of a group thing with our mutual friends when we DO hang out. Maybe secretly, I think being her friend will get me closer, and she has pushed for this friendship a stronger than ANY ex really would. Friends or not friends???

[majord23]

Imagine meeting up with your group of friends and your ex turns up with a new boyfriend.

 

If you can handle that, then be friends. If not, then don't.

 

It really is as simple as that mate.

[puppy]

hi enotalone,

 

For you to take time off to heal after a 3 years relationship is a positive move in the future. The amount of time you are together will surely take you some time to heal completely. thereforeeee, I encourage you to do so until that feeling is indifference.

 

The question of being friend or not, is one that I have faced for many months. I also couldn't decide at the time, but my instinct told me to move on and cut all form of contact. However, I didn't want to punished myself for doing this. thereforeeee, I gave myself some time to be friend with her and see how it went. If the bond is going well, then I will stick to it. Unfortunately, it became difficult for me to be friend with her and I sadly told her not to contact me anymore.

 

As much as it is hard for you to deal with this now. Whatever your decision, you will soon find out what is best for you--move on.

 

Woof Woof!

[photomo]

I think the best thing you can possibly do is to stay in NC until you don't have to question yourself whether you should be friends or not. You want to be with her, but you don't want to get hurt...so potentially seeing her with someone else, or not getting the reactions you expect is going to kill you. If you remain friends then she'll never experience the feeling that she has completely lost you. She needs to realise how you played a part in her life; she needs to realise what she has lost.

 

I still want to get back with my ex (we were together for 6 years). I also want us to be friends. But at this very moment in time, I cannot do it. I cannot put myself through the torment of her not returning my affection again. If I saw my ex now, I'd say things that I'd later regret, and that would probably end up pushing her further away.

 

I know one day I will be friends with her...(afterall, we had a great friendship for 6 years)...but only when I can forgive her for the pain she has caused me, and only once I have found my happiness again, so that it doesn't matter to me whether she is seeing someone else or not.

[enolaton]

Wow, thanks guys, thanks photomo... I guess I have no reason to complain, your relationship lasted twice as long as mine. I guess in the back of my mind, I think that being her friend will get me closer to her. She's been very sketchy with her feelings, but of course, as EVERYONE says on eNotAlone: "actions speak louder than words". It definitely is hard to lose someone so quickly after being best friends for so long. Part of me wants to preserve that, and part of me thinks that in being her friend, it might give me a better shot at a second chance as opposed to losing her completely... My being immature and unexperienced had a lot to do with her breaking-up with me... that's why by not being in her live only validates her decision to not be with me MORE... STILL don't know what to do...

[majord23]

... that's why by not being in her live only validates her decision to not be with me MORE... STILL don't know what to do...

 

No, being in her life allows her to "wean" herself off you and eventually view you as only a friend, and nothing more.

 

You have to be out of her life for her to miss you. Staying friends with her says to her "You broke my heart, but that's ok....I'll be a doormat and still hang around you hoping that you change your mind".

 

Take the bull by the horns and cut contact. She will either come back or you will heal....you can't lose.

[BONO]

Agree totally - from bitter experience !

 

Scruff

[Big Jim]

i wish i had read your stuff way earlier majord

I was a friend for 3 months, only now i cut it off. After a two and a half year relationship, do you think ive blown the opportunity for her to miss me as more then a friend through these last 3 months??? I want her to miss me, this is the first time ive cut out of her life. I just hope she hasnt been weaned off me in the meantime. I want her to feel what i felt, sounds spiteful but she mistreated me this last while

[solo34]

MajorD, Scruff, and BigJim....what about if your ex has a new man and there's NC and been NC? Does that still let her miss U when the time comes?

 

-Solo34

[Big Jim]

In my sit, she doesnt have a new man per say, but there is this guy she always talks to, and i have no doubt he was a reason for our breakup. But look at it this way,we have been broken up three months, numerous times i called the "friendship" quits and she fought to keep me around. Now if she was head over heels about this guy she would have cut me loose when we were fighting (since we were already broken up), but she never did. Instead even the tiems she hung out with him, she always called me after and before, whenever she was upset shed call me, shed call me outa nowhere just to talk, and i was still always her last call when she was in bed. If thats not missing me i dont know what is. I cant say for your situation, but in mine, this new guy was causing problems, but he obvisously isnt all she thinks he is because she still was holding on to me for dear life. Now ive gone NC, im sure she will hang out with him, maybe they will start to date, i dont know, but i do know she will miss me like crazy, especially now since i told her she cant have me. People want it all, they want what they cant have. This NC will either be a kick in the head to wake her up, or move on. Either way is better then how its been....

So in answer to your question, i feel if she ever loved you, and you were great to her, she will definitely miss you..

[solo34]

Thank U BigJim....I really was great 2 her, and I know that she did truly love me. I banking on the fact that I know how most "men" treat women nowadays, and that she'll remember who and what I am/was 2 her, and how I made/make her feel. Unfortunately, this guy could be better than me and they could end up being married or something. But thanks 4 the input, I appreciate it BigJim.

 

-Solo34

[Big Jim]

I wouldnt come down on yourself too much that you weren't a MAN when you were with her, peopel go through * * * * in life, sometimes your good sometimes your not. In my situation, my x hasnt been a GIRL for 5 or 6 months, she has been no fun, moody, no sex drive etc, just depressed and miserable. But look at it this way, i truly love her, and see her for what she is, so hte fact that she has been so messed doesnt phase me at all. If i didnt really love her i wouldnt have given her the time of day. Your girl will know exactly how you really are, and if she loves you it wont matter if your * * * * was falling apart for a while. If she doesnt really love you, then this would really bother her and shes not worth it

[solo34]

Your girl will know exactly how you really are, and if she loves you it wont matter if your * * * * was falling apart for a while. If she doesnt really love you, then this would really bother her and shes not worth it

 

 

Hold up BigJim, I'm kind of confused about this part, man. I don't really understand, or maybe I confused U as well. Me and my girl were 2gether 4 2 1/2 yrs. She really loved me, but unfortunately, she dealt with my BS mood and state 4 like 1 1/2-2yrs. I don't blame her 4 leaving me, as I wasn't being a man. She is a great woman, that really loved me. She didn't just up and leave at the 1st sign of trouble, either. I mean, I'm really working on myself now and I'm confused in my state that I'm wondering if I were 2 get back on my feet and be back 2 the man that she fell in love with, would she come back? On top of that, I wonder if she is missing me, even with this other guy in her life now?

 

Things that suck is that it might just be 2 little 2 late 4 me. I know if it's meant 2 be, it WILL be....but at the same time, that's a sh*tty thing 2 "count" on.

 

Thanks BigJim.

 

-Solo34

[Big Jim]

Sorry i misread your post a little. What im trying to say is if she found you attractive once, that never goes away, and if you pick yourself up and become a MAN again, if she sees this, it will remind her of how it was. She will miss you, you guys were together a long time.

[solo34]

OK, thanks man. I guess my next thought is: Do U think she'd come back?

I know it's entirely her choice, and U don't know US/her and what we shared. But just wondering if U ever knew of people breaking up and getting back 2gether successfully after something like this?

 

Thanks AGAIN BigJim...haha

 

-Solo34

[Big Jim]

i wouldnt live entirely thinking about that. But it is a very real possibility. Nothing is ever set in stone, if she loved you once , it is not hard to again. Sometimes timing is everything. My x and myself, we broke up before this most recent time. Way back almost three years ago. we had been dating 3 months or so and it was great, but she had a lot of baggage from a previous relationship that she never dealt with (even though they broke up 1 year and half before we dated). She ended it suddenly, then 4 months later i got a call, we talked about things, and went out 2.5 years. I know its not as long as yourself, but anything is possible, sometimes timing is everything. Work on yourself, but a man and get your stuff together, go on loving her, but dont be in love with her. Date others, they will be drawn to the new you. Perhaps something new will work out, or perhaps you and your ex will get back. But in the meantime there is no harm with 1) getting your stuff together

2) loving your ex, but dont be in love with her anymore

[solo34]

Makes sense BigJim. It's just that I was her 1st real BF, and we never broke up like this before. I guess that you're right though. The timing is key here. It's always about timing. Alright, thanks again though. Man, I wouldn't mind trading places with U though BigJim...at least your girl's STILL in your life, only she's just gotta work her sh*t out. Thanks man.

 

-Solo34

[Big Jim]

Believe me, its sometimes better to be out of their life. Last 3 months have been hell, trust me, you are always reminded of waht you dont have anymore. One day they are fliritng and close, next a * * * * * to you. yesterday i told her to leave me alone, yeah i'll see her at school and all, but im looking forward to no drama for a while. Either way ill always hear/see her etc, because im good friends with her bro. But i want time apart right now... im living by "they dont know what they got till its gone"

take it easy solo, relax, improve yourself

[solo34]

Thanks man....I have that philosophy 2. They don't know what they got 'til it's gone, and also....they can't know good until they've had bad. Like my ex, I'm her 1st real BF, and she can't possilby know what is truly good (a little over exaggerated), because she hasn't had a BF that treated her like sh*t.

 

Yes, as I am hurt right now, in a way I am kind of glad that she has a new man, because I know he isn't ME. He might now treat her and love her the way that I did, with my all; and with my everything. Only time will reveal this. In the mean time, I am going 2 continue upon improving myself. Thanks 4 the support BigJim....I couldn't get this kind of support from a jock strap, homie. haha

 

-Solo34

[enolaton]

Concerning your situation with your ex...

 

My ex has been acting the SAME exact way. She hangs out with this other guy, but still fought to have me around. I told her I couldn't be her friend, but I'm still regretting that decision... She is now not with the guy she started dating after me, but she has been hanging out with another one of her ex's lately. She IS very clingy, but he NEVER told her he couldn't be friends with her... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!! She seems like the type of girl that wouldn't even consider reconciling if her ex didn't want to be friends... What should I do???