Fallen for friend. But this is a problem. Please help.

[Sam _]

Me and this girl have been friends fo a long time and I have fallen in love with her. I've been in love with her for about a year, but there is a problem.

 

I told her I had a crush on her. A few months later I fell in love with her. A few months later she gets into a relationship. A month after that I find out she's in a relationship from one of our friends. I told her I am in love with someone after about a month of her working on me to tell her. Now she has been trying to get me to tell me who it is. Just recently she sent me a message telling me to "just spit it out".

 

I'm afraid to tell her. If I don't tell her she will think I don't trust her anymore. If I do tell her I run the risk of possibly ruining a friendship, a relationship, and scaring or freaking her out. What do I do? She really wants me to tell her.

[becallamjr]

Your best bet is to be honest.

[Sam _]

Your best bet is to be honest.

 

Okay. Well, can you (or anyone else) tell me if this is a good way to word it?

 

"It's you. I am real hesitant to tell you because you're in a relationship and I don't want to effect that. And I am afraid that telling you would ruin our friendship by scaring you to the point that you never want to see me again."

 

I think it is, but I always ask for others' opinions. I'm stupid like that I guess ^_^

[LostInMyThoughts]

Actually I wouldn't tell her.

 

She's in a relationship and you outta respect that. You telling her this will change the dynamics of all three of you (her, her bf, and you). I also think its not fair to her either, to put that much pressure on her.

 

I'd say make something up.

 

I know you can't control whom you love, but showing her this restraint on your part is the best thing you can do.

 

Worst case is she and you become distant, and you lose a good friend.

[seally]

I have to say I agree. Lie your way out of this one. Maybe tell her when your both single again, but really if she is showing no interest in a relationship with you your just going to have to accept it and move on. You may lose a good friend if you don't - Is it worth risking?

[Sam _]

I understand that. But, is there any possability that it won't make her distance herself? I mean, I tried telling her in person, but she noticed how hesitant I was. She told me in a message that if it is so agonizing for me to tell her in person to tell her via myspace (messaging). We've been best friends for almost 10 years. So would any of that even matter?

[NJRon]

She SHOULD distance herself... she's in a relationship. Leave her alone.

[LostInMyThoughts]

She's probably around the same age as you, right?

 

There is still a lot of maturing you both have to do, and she might not handle the situation as effectively as you would like because of that.

 

It's a calculated risk.

[ScreenagerX]

How much can you read from her? For example :

 

* Does she seem happy in her current relationship?

* Is it possible that shes already figured it out? As you have been so reluctant to tell her. I mean if you two have known each other for 10 years then you probably tell each other everything without reservation. You have also told you "have a crush on her" aswell. It wouldn't take a mathmematician to figure it out

 

I do agree though, if she knows you already have a crush on her then she must realise that you have feelings for her. Unless she is waiting for you to say something (her current relationship does go against this though)then maybe you should play it by ear & support her & her current b/f. If you can't do that you may have to distance yourself somewhat if it hurts.

 

I went through the whole friends/girlfriends thing when I was your age (guarantee I'm not the only one either) & got hurt a few times. Sometimes (hell always) its hard to read the signals correctly. Good luck.

[Mr. Jones]

Let her know how you feel, but tell her you don't want to disrupt the current relationship she's in and would rather remain friends for now.

 

That way if things don't work out between the bf and her, well then she's always got you to come back to.

 

maybe something like "hey #insertname# i don't mean to too blunt about this and i know your relationship with so and so, but I just wanted to let you know....and that its cool if we can remain friends but i just wanted to get that off my chest"

 

I just think you shouldn't keep it from her...let her know what you truly feel man.

 

Goodluck

[Dreng3333]

This is a tough situation.

 

On the one hand you have your love for her, which seems to be pretty sincere. You have been friends for a very long time (10 years is amazing).

 

On the other hand you have her being in a relationship. If you try to break that up it could very well blow up in your face.

 

I would say wait it out. After 10 years there is no way that you not telling her who you like is going to make her be any less friendly with you. Wait until the relationship she is in to end (which I think it will because it sounds like she has some sort of feelings for you), then make your move. I know it will be hard, but look at it this way, it will give you time to perfect what you are going to say to her.

 

Good Luck

[Sam _]

I told her that I am in love with her. I told her that I was so reluctant to tell her because I was afraid of our friendship changing in a bad way and that she would end up being freaked out to the point of her never wanting to see me again. I also told her that I don't want to affect the relationship shes in.

 

She told me that she already knew and that I am pretty bad at hiding it.

 

So it didn't make her distance herself from me, it just made us closer. And now there are no secrets between me and her ^_^

[younger 22]

yeah man, just test the water first, if you think she likes you and ready to leave her bf for you, then say it. But if she doesn't and you can't keep your secret anymore, you just have to tell her anyway and hope for the best.

[Sam _]

yeah man, just test the water first, if you think she likes you and ready to leave her bf for you, then say it. But if she doesn't and you can't keep your secret anymore, you just have to tell her anyway and hope for the best.

 

I already told her. It doesn't bother her at all. She is quite happy with the relationship she is currently in. I'm happy that she's happy and that we're still friends. She seems happy that I finally told her though, I'm not sure why me telling her that I love her would make her happier if she already knew it. I feel so embarrased though, for hiding something from her that she already knew.

[becallamjr]

Good for you man honesty is always the best policy.