break up or become swingers?

[sugarmomma]

I’ve written on here before and I always appreciate any advice given. I’ve had a very difficult relationship with my boyfriend of a year a half. We’ve faced and over come many challenges together. I know that he loves me more than anything. He bends over backwards to be a good boyfriend and make me happy. We have huge cultural differences, and his parents had a very hard time accepting our relationship, but I think they are finally starting to accept it.

 

So when I met my boyfriend not only had he never had a girlfriend before but he was also a virgin. He was 26 when we first started dating. Over the year and half the fact that he had never slept with anyone else became a huge insecurity for me. He is an extremely sexual person. And even though we have a VERY fulfilling sex life, recently he started makes comments about sleeping with other woman. They were supposedly “jokes” but they weren’t very funny. After about the fifth joke in a week I confronted him about it and he admitted that he has been thinking about sleeping with other woman. He is always very honest with me. I asked him if he wanted to break up so he could date around and after a long pause he said no that he “couldn’t stand to be away from me”. I asked him if he was interested in dating other woman and he said no, he couldn’t imagine dating other people he just wanted to “sleep” with other woman. I asked him if we got married, could he imagine only sleeping with one woman his whole life and he said he didn’t know. Then he said he didn’t want to talk about it anymore because he didn’t know how he felt about it all. And we ended the conversation.

 

Now I always knew that this may be a problem and I don’t blame him at all. I always sort of imagined that years into our relationship when it was strong enough, that we would become swingers. But now I am wondering of that is the best idea. I wonder if maybe he just needs to be single for a while so that he can pick and choose who he’d like to sleep with without any restrictions from me. The thought of being apart from him breaks my heart and the idea that he would fall in love with someone else terrifies me, but I wonder if that is the only way to get this out of his system. The other idea is to allow him to sleep with other woman now (swinging or threesomes) but I wouldn’t want to do that forever, maybe just four or five times. And I have a feeling once we started it; it would be too difficult to stop it after four or five times. The idea of him just “sleeping “with other woman doesn’t really bother me. So, it seems silly to break up our entire relationship and put us both through so much pain if all he wants to do is sleep with other woman to experience it.

 

So I am at a loss.. any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

[OceanEyes]

This decision is going to have to be made, 100% and completely, based on how YOU feel. You can listen to advice and try to get different perspectives and opinions, but at the end of the day, you are the one who has to live in your relationship. With the decisions you make. With the changes that may occurr by making certain choices, etc.

 

I understand both sides of this, but it doesn't mean that I could ever share my man sexually with other women. Although I see his side, and understand that he may be feeling like he's "missed out", but I STILL couldn't bare to share my man. Ever. And I would rather let him go and deal with that heartbreak than face the months and possibly years of confusion and mistrust that would surface after taking this type of risk. But again, I am only one person with one opinion. There are many ways of doing things. Some people can do things like this, and some can't. If you're the type that can't, recognize it early and save yourself a LOT of pain.

 

I would say that, if you were willing to give this a shot, to lay down some firm ground rules and discuss everything so that you both understand the expectations and boundaries. I would only suggest that if I didn't feel that you were completely uncomfortable with this -- which I think you are. Just know that you don't HAVE to live out this experience with him. If it is really eating at you inside, then there's a really good chance that you shouldn't agree to it. Let him know how you feel, and always remember that you are 50% of the equation here and that his needs should never come before yours and leave you empty and hurting.

 

Don't do something you don't want to do, just to keep this man. If he really does need to sleep around, he's going to do it one way or another. Believe that you matter.

[BellaDonna]

I agree with everything OceanEyes has told you. You should not enter this alternative lifestyle unless it is something YOU want to do. Don't do it to keep a man.

 

he started makes comments about sleeping with other woman. They were supposedly “jokes” but they weren’t very funny.

 

My guess is that if you do not like him joking about sleeping with other women- that you'll have a really hard time accepting that behavior if he does it in reality, even if you do call yourselves "swingers".

 

Be true yourself.

 

It's good that your partner is honest with you- but keep in mind that if you want a man to want you and only you- that is POSSIBLE. You don't have to change your standards and accept a man who sleeps with other women.

 

BellaDonna

[Mrocza]

I agree with both OceanEyes and BellaDonna.

 

It's a difficult situation and at the end of the day if you do want him only for you, it shouldn't be that hard. I understand he's inexperienced and he wants to get it out of his system, but what good is sleeping around going to do?

 

If hes dead set for it, give him an ultimatum. Unless you honestly think you can share him, tell him otherwise.

 

Maybe even try a different approach? Such as spicing things up in the bedroom....role playing, costumes, wigs, you can be a "different woman"?

[BellaDonna]

Keep in mind that if it's not possible for him to be happy with only you- there are plenty of other men out there that it would be possible for. ....

 

BellaDonna

[Mrocza]

Yup, BellaDonna is right.

 

I mean, you may not think so, but in the future if you feel you have to compete for her attention, it won't be a healthy relationship. There are plenty of men out there content with one woman only- you shouldn't have to compromise YOUR wants to meet his.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Sugarmomma - I feel like I can totally relate to this. My husband - who professes undying love for me - says the same thing. He had very few exploits before marriage and constantly says he would like to "experience" more.

 

I feel I am a very secure person. I have no cuoms about it, honestly. I wish he would. Not to turn this into something about me, but I think it applies to you as well, I think this may be a "thing" in our relationship forever.

 

And my friends have said, "oh, he just wants his cake and to eat it too." Duh. Yeh - he does. And?? They say, "what a pig. He just wants sex." My argument to those people is; I don't think a guy that wants to have sex is a pig. What makes him a "pig" is doing it behind your back. You're very fortunate that your bf is so very honest with you.

 

I strongly recommend NOT doing the swinger thing. I think if you are OK with sleeping with other people, maybe you should "take a break." It is one thing to know he's doing it but yet another to SEE him doing it.

 

If you think you could pull it off and have a relationship afterward, best of luck to you. I honestly know quite a few couples who have gone that route and not one of them are currently still together. I'm not saying it can't be done. I just don't know anyone personally, who's pulled it off.

 

I really feel for your situation. My husband and I go in like, 4 month cycles with this issue. About evey 4 months or so, he brings it up. I know he'll never do it without my consent but I do feel like it will be a "thing" in our relationship until he's too old to make it a reality.

 

I'm not saying he'll be at his death bed croaking out, "the one regret I have is not having had more sex..." but I don't want him to spend his life not getting to do what he wants.

 

There's my two cents - take it for what its worth....2 cents

[ShySoul]

From a guy's perspective, don't do the swinger thing either. There will be too many problems that develop because of it. If you are uncomfortable with jokes or talk about sleeping with other people, you will probably be more uncomfortable with the actual act. And jealousy and insecurities will rear there ugly head.

 

You say he is a very sexual person, but before you has never been with another women even as a girlfriend. It's most likely that he is wondering about what he missed out on all those years. Now that he fully realizes everything that comes with sex and how enjoyable it can be, there might be an urge in him to make up for lost time and see what is out there. It's a battle in him. The emotional and logical side says he loves you and don't want to lose you. The physical and sexual side says that the thought of sleeping with other women is appealing. Once those years of repressed sexual energy were unleashed, he's become curious to various idea and sexual things. And to a guy the thought of multiple women can generally be very stimulating thought.

 

In a relationship you need to be completely happy with just being with each other. If you aren't, that will effect things down the road. So you have to decide what it is you want. Are you willing to settle for the idea of him with another women? In my opinion, that wouldn't lead to something positive. Is he willing to give up the idea and still be happy? Or would he carry these feelings in him and grow distant or bitter? Like others have said, it is probably best to take time apart. If you are suppose to be together, you'll find your way back to each other. If not, you will find someone who loves you and only you. Important thing is that you do what will make you happy.

[LiquidCherry]

I had two serious relationships with virgins. Both of them left me because they wanted to sleep with other people. Well, technically only one of them left me. The other started making comments much like your boyfriend. His words: "There is the girl you loose your virginity to and there is the girl you marry." I saw no point after that. It was right for me to leave but I don't know what is right for you to do.

 

I wouldn't suggest swinging, especially under your circumstances. If you let him sleep with someone because he is feeling curious now I'm sure he'll expect you to let him do the same when he is feeling curious later. I think ShySoul made a very good point.. Could he be content with only you or will he become bitter over time?

 

On a side note: I'll never date a virgin again because of the pain of these breakups. I was left feeling like I wasn't enough and I want to be everything.

[LotusFlower]

Ouch.."the girl you lose your virginity too..and the girl you marry"...Wow. It is kind of humerous if he was a comedian.

 

Take a break...give him the option to stay commited and lay down your rules on fidelity adn RESPECT, or the option to MOVE OUT (if living w/ you)-withought sleeping together still.

 

he will fantasize about it forever if you don't give him a black and white picture--he needs to evaluate the difference between love and sex.

[ShySoul]

On a side note: I'll never date a virgin again because of the pain of these breakups. I was left feeling like I wasn't enough and I want to be everything.

 

Sorry that you had that experience. There are people out there will do that to a person. And given how sex seems to be everywhere and we are given this idea that we need to sleep with multiple people in our lives, not being satisfied with just one person can be common. But not all virgins are like that. In my mind, the woman I lose my virginity to and the women I marry are going to be the same women. Best friend has similar thoughts on the issue. And there are lots of guys who feel the same way, or at least wouldn't leave a woman just because they want sex with other women. Just wanted to throw in my support for virgins, to show they aren't all the kind of person who would leave someone like that.