about to end all the nonsense

[solo34]

Hey BigJim, U learned though...even though U are hurt now, U learned from this. Now U can begin 2 4get about her. It's her loss and always has been, homie. Trust me on this...she'll regret all the BS she's done 2 U.

 

-Solo34

[Big Jim]

Well i know i said i was going NC and i swear i was, but things didnt go my way. I was at work on sunday (i work like 40 minutes form her house), and was out at my car for a minute and guess who was there. She had been crying and had a bag for me. I sat and talked in her car for like 10 minutes, her crying and telling me how much she loves and misses me etc. She said she realized so much over the last two weeks and i said we should talk about it. She called me later that night but was kinda sick so we didnt get into anything. However there was a note with some of the stuff she gave me said, "i lvoe you, your my soulmate, you mean so much, i am incomplete without you, i would give anything to be back with you right now etc". I assumed she was getting at getting back together. Then monday she was acting like we were back together, callin me all day etc, tuesday the same thing, was in a great mood at school. We were both super busy so i was like we have to talk still when we have time, and she agreed compltetly, offered to that afternoon, but i was busy. Then wedesday, same story, but wehn i made a joke about talking, she got all stressed out. Then we kinda got into a fight, and she was like why do we have to , etc. What do you want from me? (same old * * * *) i cant give you those answers right now blah blah blah. I got mad, got into a fight went our separate ways.

Today was kinda awkward but she came up to talk to me. I could tell she was in a bad mood but she wanted to sit with me in class, well the day went on and she got in a worse mood, until finally she was looking for a fight. I could not take any of this anymore. I said to her, "when did you become such a bit#%, you need to grow the #$@@ up, you cant treat someone like this, its not right" and that is that.

Now i feel it is done, cause i never have been like that before to her ever. What gives with writing such a heartfelt letter, then not backing it up at all??

[majord23]

Jim,

She sounds extremely insecure and confused which is fine...but she has absolutely NO right to keep dragging you back into it. If she wants to be confused, she should do it in her own time without letting you know.

 

I am really proud of you for telling her where to go my friend. You may feel bad about it in a couple of days (it's natural to), but you did great.

 

She is acting like a child, and as such she deserved to be called on her behaviour. Don't doubt for a second what you did mate.

 

I was reading your post, and as I got a sense of what was coming I was thinking "Please Jim, don't put up with this!"....and you didn't. Good for you man. Now stay strong and don't let her do the same thing to you again.

 

She needs to sort herself out in a major way.

[Lady Bugg]

All I can figure Jim...is that somehow she feels she does NOT deserve a guy who treats her well...so her defense mechanism is to create that "drama"....and push people away before they can leave.

 

I used to be this way....in my twenties. I eventually got better...but it took a LONG time, and I STILL have those tendencies from time to time. I don't know her past..but many times this stems from NOT having a strong father figure..or having been abandoned or neglected at some point in her life. It is too deep for ME to really give advice..but I do know she probably needs serious counseling in order to overcome it.

 

I wish you all the best.

[Big Jim]

i just wish things hadnt ended on such a bad note. I had written her an email eariler in the morning, saying we cant go on like this and telling her essentailly how im feeling about everything. I was hurt when i wrote it, but it was not mean or anything. It was harsh though, simply because it was true, and when you read her actions on paper it does not sound good. Well she got this after our big fight, and texted me at work "how dare you say those things about me, you know im messed right now, etc". I got a bunch of messages from her, they were all so pissed at me. Funny thing is if she had read it in a good mood, she wouldnt have been. I just hate the fact that we pretty much "hate" eachother, and that the last contact we had was so horrible. I tried so hard to be good to her for the last 4 months, and now i feel im just going to be remmebered as an as@%#@ who "threw all her * * * * in her face"

[majord23]

Whoa Jim, don't beat yourself up over this mate.

 

Yes, she is messed up BUT she is messing you up by pulling you in and then casting you aside....and she is not taking ANY responsibility for it. She excuses her behaviour by saying she's messed up. And that's all it is bro - an excuse.

 

She says ""How dare you say those things about me, you know im messed right now, etc".

 

Well, WHEN are you meant to say them? WHEN do YOUR feelings become important? WHEN does the way YOU are being messed around become a priority?

 

She is being completely selfish and manipulative - just because she is mad because of what you said, doesn't make it less true nor does it make you less right to have said it.

 

You are worried about being thought of as 'an as@%#@ who "threw all her * * * * in her face".

That's not the worst thing in the world. It's better than YOU thinking "I can't I believe I was such a putz and put up with that behaviour for aso long".

You've taken back your self-respect mate - now keep it. All back-tracking does is validates her behaviour and will make you her doormat...who's willing to tolerate it.

[Big Jim]

I appreicate your response majord, yet it still kills me, after having tried so hard to be there for her, for it to end like this. I still love this girl so much, i know what she was doing was wrong and i had to end it, but it feels like yesterday has put a gaint stain on our entire relationship together. I wanted her to look back on us fondly, and remember how good i tried to be to her. Not some angry guy yelling and telling her off. I dunno really bothering me this morning. I always figured maybe there would be a chance for us down the road, after she sorted her self out, now i feel like i have burned all teh brigdes.... sry just upset by all this.

[Scout]

I could tell she was in a bad mood but she wanted to sit with me in class, well the day went on and she got in a worse mood, until finally she was looking for a fight. I could not take any of this anymore. I said to her, "when did you become such a bit#%, you need to grow the #$@@ up, you cant treat someone like this, its not right" and that is that.

 

Wahoooooooooo! Ok, I don't normally advocate these kind of statements, but based on your story, it's about time this girl realizes you're not her fallback guy, you're not her emotional venting board.

 

You may not get back together, Big Jim. I'm sorry to say that, it sucks, but this girl is a yo-yo of emotions. Some people are more mature in their 20's, but many more are not, and do not see true love when it's staring them right in the face.

 

I know, because I was like that in my 20's. Well, I lived to regret it. I'm 36, and FINALLY met a decent guy again, thank God, but I honestly had to pay for YEARS for my bad and impulsive choices. In the meantime, a couple of the guys I didn't treat so hot ended up finding terrific girls who married them.

 

You may still be hurting, but some healthy anger and awareness is finally kicking in. Quite candidly, I think what you said to her was absolutely needed. And if you can't be friends afterwards, I have to say I suspect that's better for you in the long run. She wasn't treating you like a friend. She was treating you like an emotional ego boost on demand.

 

I'm not saying she's a bad person. Just, like you said, really needs to grow up. It may take some hard knocks in the dating world for that to happen, and I trust you will be long gone by then with a wiser, smarter girl who revels in your love for her.

[majord23]

I appreicate your response majord, yet it still kills me, after having tried so hard to be there for her, for it to end like this. I still love this girl so much, i know what she was doing was wrong and i had to end it, but it feels like yesterday has put a gaint stain on our entire relationship together. I wanted her to look back on us fondly, and remember how good i tried to be to her. Not some angry guy yelling and telling her off. I dunno really bothering me this morning. I always figured maybe there would be a chance for us down the road, after she sorted her self out, now i feel like i have burned all teh brigdes.... sry just upset by all this.

 

Jim, like I said mate, it is perfectly understandable for you to feel like this. In alot of ways you are alot like me - I have always had a problem with No Contact because I felt as if I was being mean. No matter what any girl did to me, I always felt it was my role to be the good guy...the level-headed guy, the guy who would be there for her NO MATTER WHAT. I would excuse her behaviour because I 'understood her'....but it got me nowhere.

 

Hell, who am I kidding? I am STILL that guy Jim - I still struggle with telling someone that they have treated me unacceptably, even if they have. Despite all the bravado, and the 'good advice' I give to everyone, I STILL feel as though I am in the wrong when I stand up for myself. I can't walk away from anyone with 'bad blood' being left behind....I take responsibility for it when I know I shouldn't.

 

In the case of my last ex - I went away for a month - for 3 weeks of that month she told me how much she loved me, how much she missed me, how many times she had cried because she thought I would forget about her...y'know what? I came back after that month and she dumped me within an half-hour of me walking through the door.

 

Now, THAT annoyed me - but the thing that annoyed me more, is the fact that I felt responsible - I felt as though I should have done more...I mean that aint healthy bro...I was taking responsibilty for things that were out of my control...and you are doing the same now.

 

Your ex has pushed you to the point where you have had to take a stand. This IS NOT about you mate - this is entirely about her. You reacted as anyone would be expected to react. I beg you not to be like me - to be able to see what others should be doing, but not being able to do it themsleves.

If you can;t take a stand and respect yourself, how is she meant to respect you?

[Big Jim]

Thanks man, i apprecaite it

I got soooo drunk last night it was ridiculous. I ran into her older brother and talked for a very long time. He is digusted by the situation too, thinks she is being a * * * * * and says everyone is wondering what the hell she is doing (in regards to the other family friend guy and still desparately wanting to talk to me etc). He feels she is screwing everyone over. I am so hurt by all of this. She has been bullsh@!$!g since we broke up, i feel like i never meant anything to her over the last 2.5 years. How could i if she is capable of treating me like this?? Its odd, i flip how i view this situation hourly. Half the time i want to believe i know her, want to believe what she is telling me, and that she is as mixed up as she says she is and that most (not all) of this is because she is depressed etc. The ohter times i just think... shes a b!$%h and should go to hell. Can you guess which one im feeling now lol

[majord23]

Can you guess which one im feeling now lol

 

LOL - I might have an inkling bro

 

Possibly the best advice I can give you is this Jim - read your own posts and pretend it's not you posting the story, pretend it's someone else.

 

Your job is to give that person advice...tell them what they should do, and how you think they're being treated. It's easier said than done, but ultimately it'll probably be the best advice you'll ever receive.

 

You deserve more than you're getting mate - don't forget that.

[eljose]

Its odd, i flip how i view this situation hourly. Half the time i want to believe i know her, want to believe what she is telling me, and that she is as mixed up as she says she is and that most (not all) of this is because she is depressed etc. The ohter times i just think... shes a b!$%h and should go to hell. Can you guess which one im feeling now lol

 

BigJim,

 

It is not odd. Most likely both of them are true. She IS mixed up and depressed and believes the BS she is telling you. Because of that, she IS also being a "b!$%h" who treating you like hell. That is the conflict you are dealing with. If she was treating you this badly without any mitigating reasons, you would have figured this out and dumped her in 5 minutes.

 

Nonetheless, she is treating you this way, and she is determined to keep doing so, on her own. There is nothing you can do to help her but walk away, and let her really learn the lessons of her behavior. It may take her 10 years to sort this stuff out, but you should not have to suffer through it. Somewhere out there, someone wants to love you right. You deserve that, instead of this.

[Scout]

If her own family is telling you that they are disgusted with her behavior, take the hint. This girl isn't worth the dedication it would take to wait for her to grow up, assuming she ever does.

[Big Jim]

Im alright i guess. Me and my ex ran into eachother yesterday and she said she had wanted to talk. Well she was already in a bad mood (whats new) and was totally coldhearted. Well, i hit the roof, lay all my cards down, told her how she has been treating me for 4 months is horrilbe. She starts blaming all her sorrows in life on me, saying i stress her out so much and things are so complicated with me. Ironic, last week after i had avoided her for a week and a half, she told me im the only thing that cheers her up and makes her feel whole. I was completely fed up at this point. She was making it sound like me calling her a @#$!$ last week was the worst thing that has ever happened in her life. I said frankly, when you hung out with another guy and lied to me about it, i forgave you and got over it. If you cant with this, it just proves to me everything i need to know. She starts the defensiveness (she is bad for this) saying all sorts of things, we have been broken up for a long time, no one told you you cant date, move on etc. I simply said, if you had told me this 3 months ago, you would have saved me a lot of heartache. You have been telling me, i love you, dont consider myself single, we are working on things, its still you and me, calling everynight before bed, getting mad when i simply drove a girl-friend home etc. Im so pissed at her, the lies, the angles etc. This girl is depressed and messed right now, but all i wanted was a little honesty, all i wanted was for both of us to know exactly where we stood, but she never wanted to talk, and i got @%#@ed in the end. I avoided her completely today (class) , caught her looking at me a bunch of times then quickly looking away. And to top it off, today of all days she wore the new sweater for the 1st time i had bought for her bday a couple weeks back. Im not reading into this as much as it sounds, she does these things for a reason, shes like that, likes to make points like that.

Im actually ok, because yesterday proved a lot to me, she was saying anything for a reaction to get to me. She always says harsh things when mad (bad habit) and it just made me mad.

I got my closure yesterday, i love her yes, but she has beening screwing me over too long. She never thought she would lose me, and i know she has taken that and my strong love for granted etc. Its funny, i know what is going on, she doesnt know who she is and is "growing up", also is depressed bad. Her breaking up with me was her trying to "dramatically change" something in her life, which ironically we both know deep down wasnt the problem. (she has been desparate to hold on to me, like the tables have turned and i feel like i dumped her for the last 3 months, ie letters, waiting outside my house, work, school). I know she really truly loves me, but is lost. However yesterday proved how immature she is and how it is not going to work until she grows up and realizes things...on her own. Im moving on, and for the first time do not feel any gulit about it...

[BONO]

Well done Big Jim, Keep going and keep posting so I dont have to get on a plane !!!!

 

Scruff

[Big Jim]

From what ive told you, what do you think of my "anaylsis" of her? lol, i talked to her brother and he said about the same thing

[BONO]

Im no expert, but my ex has similar traits. Try not to turn into her therapist or get into her mind so that you can help her to change so you can have her. Leave that to her and the experts. However, perhaps a general aniexty disorder or bi polar personality disorder would be a good starting ground. See google. But DO NOT EVER EVEN IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT bring this up mate. Leak it through her bro perhaps.

 

Take care mate, im with you on this one its a bummer !

 

Scruff

[Big Jim]

haha too late for that haha

No i had told her that once when she was having a "close" day with me, and asking why i think she is like this. I suggested it, she was receptive. haha did bring it up in a fight once, not pretty. But i doubt she will do anything, looks for quick fixes all the time.

[Big Jim]

Well nc was broken not on purpose.

Friday night i was out and around 1130 my cell is ringing. I didnt know the # so answered it. It was her of course. She was at the bar drunk and saw my friends there and was wondering if i wsa there too. When i said no, she was like ok. Then she started to bring up all sorts of stuff, i cant believe you did this etc. She eventually hung up on me. She called again later i didnt answer. Got an email the next day apoligizing for it, said she was very drunk. The email was so formal. No idea what this girl is thinking.

[Big Jim]

Of course a lot has happened since i last posted.

After her drunk phone call and her email apoligizing, i got 5 calls the next day. She was beggin me to answer so i called the next day. She has stayed home and was about as down as she ever has been. I talked with her for 45 min and later that ngiht got a text saying "thank u so much for today i miss you so much". Well the next day i ran into her at school, she wanted to drive me home, (ie talk), so i said yes. All i heard was "i love you, miss u, dont want school to end, want us back, miss everything about you etc". We got dinner and had a great time. She called me that night wanitng to hang out but i was busy. This went on for the rest of the week like this, calling me, wanting to see me. Finally on sat i started bringing stuff up, is anything resovled? is that other guy still calling you etc?. Well she freaked, said she cant deal with this right now, etc etc. We stopped talking...AGAIN. The following thursday she called shcool related stuff. Got talking and met up for a bit.

She started crying telling me she cant do this on off stuff anymore, i agreed. Then she started opening up about things i had never heard. How throughout all her teenage years, whenever things were going good in any area of her life, she has freaked out and deliberately messed it up (school, work, friends, previous relationship etc). She is really messed up, and i do believe her when she says she wants to be with me but will just not allow herslef to because she is scared, of what is not really clear. I really dont know what to do anymore..

[BONO]

Exercise.

 

Why dont you read your post again mate and pretend to be someone else reading it. Look at the patterns of her behaviour, then your strong stances, followed by your behaviour a few months later when *you* end up back at square 1

 

 

I know you cant apply logic to emotion, but what would you advise on this situation.

 

 

Scruff

[majord23]

Look at the patterns of her behaviour, then your strong stances, followed by your behaviour a few months later when *you* end up back at square 1

 

Spot on.

 

Jim, I'm glad to hear that you're going to implement NC. Good move.

 

This cycle is seemingly neverending and YOU have to break it. You must almost be able to predict her behaviour now.

 

She has pushed and pulled you for what seems like forever. Now though, when she tries to reel you in, don't let her find anything on the other end of the line. One of you has to be the adult in this situation - and you can rest assured, that it aint gonna be her.

 

Walk away as you're planning on doing Jim, and KNOW that it's the right thing to do.

[Big Jim]

Thanks guys,

yeah i agree competely with you guys. It is just a cycle and only now have realized "we will never have a chance getting back, or me moving on" in this situation. Why the hell wouuld she get back with me? She is so comfortalbe in this mess, she has me whenever she wants/needs, and i m allowing this by sticking around. Shes so miserablae and down that she is probably loving where she is right now, she is free and single, but pretty much in a relationship with me still when she wants that. This is not on purpose, but if i were her i would not be taking any steps in getting me back, cause i show her all the time im not going anywhere.

I need to get far away from her, she broke up with me, ive been dealing with it since nov, she has not at all. I should have listened to you guys a long time ago, but i am stubbron. Thanks again

[BONO]

One more chance Big Jim.

 

Like I said all those months ago, I'll hunt you down pal if you break NC - I dont care how Big you are !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Hahahah

 

Seriously good luck mate.

 

 

Scruff

[Big Jim]

haha before you come looking, realize that i truly mean no contact. However, circumstances similar to your own mean that for the next few years, i will continually see/ run into. So it will ever be fall of the face of the world no contact. But it will be no more me calling, no more trying, no more buying her "i miss yous". Just me moving on.