Need "Break" Advice

[b7p7]

I will try to keep my story as short as possible (still very long). Okay, I have been dating the same girl for almost seven years (started dating at age 15...babies) and things on the whole have been great. We talk every night on the phone, and even though we go to separate schools we still see each other almost every weekend. We always have talked about our future together. I would say over the course of the seven years we have fought maybe ten times (and none of them that big). I guess the problem is that two of those fights have been within the last five months.

 

All of the fights have been over silly things. The first was because she had just started out at school (she had gone to CC the past two years) and I got a little jealous about the whole situation. We both had a hard time adjusting and it led to a bunch of little spats over the course of a few weeks. Finally, she asked for a break over the phone (she felt smothered). So I drove to her school to talk to her in person. At the end of the night she decided that she didn't want a break anymore.

 

So things continue and man they were going really good. We put the night behind us and moved on. Then in January, we have two nights in a row where the phone call doesn’t end without a little disagreement. That weekend, I visit her at her school and she drops a ton of pent up anger on me. I'm not close enough to her mom, I don't take her out enough, and I am not like I used to be. Etc. Obviously it was a huge shock, and we almost broke up. She had a point, I had taken her for granted, and the thought of losing her was enough for me to change.

 

From then on I did all the things she asked, and I thought things were good again. In fact, she had gone back to talking about the things we were going to do in the future (me going to law school and her coming to live with me). Then things turned.

 

For the past few days I noticed a disinterest in her voice and today I called her out on it. She said she had been thinking about our last fight and how things have changed but she still doesn't feel happy. As examples she says she doesn't get ready as early as she used to when we do something, and that she doesn't smile when people ask her about me. I asked her what she wanted and she said a small break.

 

She wants to still be dating (no seeing other people or anything) but just wants time. She told me to call on Sunday, and then we would talk on Thursday face to face. After that we would talk again sporadically over the course of the next few weeks. The break is supposed to end in early March. She says we will be back together if she misses me, and will call it quits if she realizes she is fine without me.

 

Basically, this sucks. I love her and want to be with her so if this is what she needs, so be it. But what should be my mindset right now? Is she doing this because she is too afraid to break up with me? Is there something else I should worry about? Seriously, to anybody that has been here before (and those who haven’t) I need some advice.

 

It's scary to know which direction you want to go, but are powerless to navigate.

[karen95]

i think that you should back off the contact for a while and give her space. if you put pressure on her it will probably push her away more. let her be the one to contact you. i know this is going to be hard, and you will probably just want to call her up and tell her how you are feeling, and tell her that you love her etc, but if she is having doubts i think that any pressure from you will just push her away further.

i don't mean that you should act like you don't care or anything like that. i just think that you should give her space to get her head sorted, and try and put as little pressure on her as possible.

maybe i am wroing and some1 else will have a better idea!

 

good luck!!

[NJRon]

I too could be wrong, but it seems to me as a way to soften a break up. However, you need to decide for yourself whether you think it is worth it to play along, and that means following karen95's advice, or whether you think you deserve to be treated better and just break it off entirely.

 

Personally, I would tend towards breaking it off entirely. If she really wants a break, then give it to her. Down the road, you may get back together, but your relationship just seems to be sick right now. It would be better for the both of you to heal and then start a new relationship afresh, whether together or apart.

 

I understand your feeling of powerlessness right now. The only thing I can say is focus hard on letting go of those things that are outside of your control.

[lunatic]

My advice is in total agreement with the last two posters. I think you should give her the space she needs by implementing NC. I think NJRon is on point with this one because I too would break up with her completely. If space is what she needs then space is what she will get. I mean there are plenty of single women at school and I am sure in no time you will be dating again.

 

If there were me I would break up with her and take the control back. I would implement No Contact ASAP and start working on YOU now. At the end of the day it all comes down to what you want and are willing to put up with. Do you feel that she treats you right and are you happy with HER?

[b7p7]

My advice is in total agreement with the last two posters. I think you should give her the space she needs by implementing NC. I think NJRon is on point with this one because I too would break up with her completely. If space is what she needs then space is what she will get. I mean there are plenty of single women at school and I am sure in no time you will be dating again.

 

If there were me I would break up with her and take the control back. I would implement No Contact ASAP and start working on YOU now. At the end of the day it all comes down to what you want and are willing to put up with. Do you feel that she treats you right and are you happy with HER?

 

That's the thing I guess....we have been really happy the whole time together. Honestly, I could not ask for a better g/f. I am just really confused as to why this keeps coming up. Do you think it would be a good idea to call her and tell her that if she wants to break up just to do it?

[LiquidCherry]

Ick. I spent a few months once with someone who let it be known to me as well that they were going to decide if they still wanted to be with me or not. It was terrible. I tried to end things but I couldn't because at the time my self esteem was low and so I just ending up riding it out. It came to an end when he dumped me. It's not like I didn't see that one coming.

 

Regardless of what you feel for her I gaurntee that it will feel better to either be with someone who knows they want to be with you or to be by yourself.

 

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

[NJRon]

She said she had been thinking about our last fight and how things have changed but she still doesn't feel happy. As examples she says she doesn't get ready as early as she used to when we do something, and that she doesn't smile when people ask her about me.

 

I think you could ask for more than a girlfriend that isn't happy being your girlfriend. If I heard this from someone I cared about, I would be hurt.

 

Don't ask her to break up, or if she wants to break up, or egg her on to break up with you. Take control of the situation. Just tell her.

 

If you ever have a choice between giving control over your emotions to someone else and taking control of them for yourself, choose the latter.

[lunatic]

That's the thing I guess....we have been really happy the whole time together. Honestly, I could not ask for a better g/f. I am just really confused as to why this keeps coming up. Do you think it would be a good idea to call her and tell her that if she wants to break up just to do it?

 

It just sounds like she is young and wants to sow her oats. How can you live life not knowing whats out there? I would just tell her that this is not working out anymore since she does not know if she wants you or not. Dude do you want to be strung along or as NJRon stated take control of the situation? I would go see her one last time and tell her things are not working out for you. Since she does not know what she wants and you don't want to be left hanging. I would just say I am giving you the space you need even though I love you and it is killing me to do this but I have to do what is right for me.

 

Get out now and who knows what will happen once she realizes you are not her puppet and will not be treated like this. I don't mean this as a flame but, dude get a spine and stick up for yourself! Respect yourself and stand up for yourself because at this time that is all you have left to do. There is nothing you can do to MAKE or encourage her to fall back in love with you without letting her know what life is like without you.

[b7p7]

No I dont take it as a flame at all. It just seems rather silly to break things off after almost seven years because she is unsure. At the same time, I don't think I can do this break thing. I am lost, and maybe I am a little spineless, but I am really happy with her and I don't want things to end.

[karen95]

when you look on your relationship can you see where the problem areas are? maybe if you could give her some space now, and look deeply at your relationship and try to pick out the bits that is making her unhappy/unsure.

 

and then try to avoid fighting and give her all the space she needs and try to basically avoid breaking up and try to avoid giving her a chance to break up with you.

 

and during this time try and change what you think is wrong. and show her that these things are changing. telling her probably won't be enough. but showing her might!

 

good luck

[PrincessLinzay]

She wants to "date" you......

without seeing other people.....

Maybe I'm missing something here, but that seems pretty "together" to me.

 

Sounds like she wants to continue having all the benefits of your relationship, but not have the responsibility that comes along with it. (I.E. Expectations, effort).

 

Personally, I think that if you agree to her proposition, you're basically giving her a "get out of jail free" card. Give her time to decide if she would "miss" you ?? Oh please. That hardly seems fair to a person you have been seriously involved with for 7 years.

 

I say if she wants a break, give her a break, but make it a real one. No contact. She shouldn't be able to continue to enjoy the benefits of your company and exclusivity if she wants to take a break. How could she possibly miss you if you were still together? (let's call the "dating" what it truly is). Talk about throwing someone scraps....

 

Of course this is my opinion, but I know that if someone I had invested so much time and effort into gave me the same proposition, I would say absolutely not.

 

If she decides she "misses" you......sheesh.

[b7p7]

I totaly agree, I just got off the phone with her and lets just say I am a little upset. Basically, she says the reason that she wants the break is because she wants "to do what she wants". What is it she wants to do, watch a movie with another guy (and she doesn't want to spend time finding other girls). She insists he is just a friend.....who knows I guess. I'm still lost though, but my hope is that I find myself....soon.

[NJRon]

oh my... that's definitely a sign. Dump and run! Save yourself a lot of heartache and move on. It sucks after all that time invested, but you're young and will have plenty of time to find someone who will treat you right.

 

Show her what she missed out on by working on yourself.

[kellbell]

"Basically, she says the reason that she wants the break is because she wants "to do what she wants". What is it she wants to do, watch a movie with another guy (and she doesn't want to spend time finding other girls). She insists he is just a friend.....who knows I guess."

 

When some one says that to you...run!!! You deserve better, honestly. (((Hugs)))

[b7p7]

Here is an update, she just called and said the break "sucks" and she is on her way over for the weekend. Now I am really confused. I wish I had more to say than that, but I have no clue what she is thinking.

[NJRon]

Woah... what a head trip. I think you guys need to have some *serious* conversation going on this weekend. I think it might be a good idea to abstain while you work out some of your issues here.

[thebrig]

Right now I'm in a situation (well may soon be) pretty similar to yours, except I'm in the shoes of your girlfriend.

 

I have been with my boyfriend 2.5years, and we're seemingly happy, we never fight, he treats me very well, I treat him very well etc etc... since December I have been feeling really strange, I know I love him and I really care for him but something is missing. We're doing the longdistance thing seeing each other on weekends and I don't find myself missing him and am really beginning to enjoy my independance. Basically I think my main issue is that I was 16-17 when getting into this relationship and haven't really been able to experience what a lot of my friends have. I totally understand where your girlfriend may be coming from. It seems to me she needs the time to really do some soul searching and figure out what is more important to her right now. I know with myself I don't want to break it off right here and now because I'm am so unsure, but yet there is still something wrong. I've been considering calling a small break just to see whether or not his absense will make me miss him and understand what i'm missing so I wont continue to take him forgranted or whether i am changing too much in a different direction from him and I need to be fair to the both of us an end things.

 

I know most people are telling you to end things, but from my situation if her feelings are anything like mine, give her her time and space... I know for myself I'm going through a confusing time in my life and am changing considerably. This might not be anything permanent and I'm sure she's probably just as confused as you are.