Classic Weight Issue

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Hey everyone.

 

I am 5ft 7ins tall and I weighed myself the other day, I'm 133lbs. This gives me a BMI of 20.8 which is in lower half of healthy.

 

But I feel huge, at one point I was 108lbs and 5ft 6ins. OK fine, I was anorexic, but I really really miss it, and Im dieting as we speak. I have had an ED for about 3 years. I cant stop thinking about how big I must look...Im an American size 4 or 6 and yes *logically* I know Im not fat...but I feel it. I dont know what I hope to achieve from posting that, I just feel bad.

 

Although I must have quite a high metabolism because given the sheer quantity of junk Ive eaten over the past YEAR, I should be a lot bigger than that, I guess thats one blessing.

 

I work out 45 mins to 2 hours a day, usually an hour on average. Its all a big battle

[VeganBohemian]

You need to figure out the underlying issues behind your ED. The food, although it may not seem like it, is not the problem. You even said you know you are not fat...you just *feel* it. Why do you have self-hate? I know I do...and I have to go to counseling in order to figure out why. Do not let yourself get lost in self-injury and hate...there is another way to live...a happy one...the only problem is, you feel you do not deserve it.

[Scout]

Actually, from what you describe, it sounds like you have a very good figure. An enviable one, in fact, if you're working out that much.

 

Please, don't fall into the stick thin mindset that Hollywood skelators promote. It's actually painful to look at some of those girls, ugh. I saw a picture of Nicole Richie and she looked like a goblin, she's lost so much weight. It's very unhealthy looking.

 

Instead, be thankful that you have the health and vigor you do. Be very thankful. Many people would trade places with you in an instant.

[shyanne]

your 5ft 7, 133 is ok. you won't look good at 108 pounds, you'll look sick.

[Confessoress]

You may be slim, but it sounds like you really need to start eating a more healthier diet. I think people forget, just because someone is thin does not mean they are healthy.

 

Please be very careful about how much you obsess about your weight. It's much more important to be healthy. You're working out a lot, which is great but try a healthier diet too.

[Relationship Coach]

Do you know that less than 3% of women are a size 6! You are well proportioned, stay where you are. If you want to change something about yourself, change your mind set!

 

RC

[RayKay]

Anti Love,

 

I think you really should consider therapy, as eating disorders are pyschological, not just physical. It's hard for someone whom has never been there to understand, but it's not as easy as just "not falling into it".

 

The fact is, you are at the low end of the healthy range, and if you were 108 pounds you would be grotesquely ill, as I would say it would not suit your bone/frame either.

 

I have a history of anorexia, and other eating disorders, and it is not an easy battle. I was at one point down to 83 lbs (at 5'4") and nearly dead. Looking back at it now, that is a HORRIFIC weight to be at. Ugh. I am now 120ish, I am very athletic and work out quite a lot as well as I compete, but I also eat well. Despite my history of eating disorders, I have no desire to go back there ever again.

 

I promise you being healthy and strong is so much better then being sickly and thin and so much more beautiful and attractive.

 

I really suggest therapy to help you work on these issues and help create a healthier mindset and way of thinking.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Yeah..when I move out Ill get some kind of help, until then I use messageboards to vent. I know I have a problem,because I *want* to look ill, and this is probably linked to a want for attention, and to not be seen as sexy because that sucks. (which ill have to go into with therapist, I guess.)

 

Thanks everyone

[RayKay]

Yeah..when I move out Ill get some kind of help, until then I use messageboards to vent. I know I have a problem,because I *want* to look ill, and this is probably linked to a want for attention, and to not be seen as sexy because that sucks. (which ill have to go into with therapist, I guess.)

 

Thanks everyone

 

 

One of the pyschologies of an ED, is that you don't know how to be someone without one. A lot of people with an ED, are AFRAID to "heal" because they don't know how to live in a world where they are not "ill" and not "cared for" as an ill person.

 

It's not so much a fear of being "fat", as it is a fear of identity and personhood. This may be directly related to why you are preventing yourself from being attractive and "sexy" as you don't know HOW to be that person - maybe as you are not confident enough internally, or maybe you fear the attention.

 

Being an anorexic is about control, it's a system of reward and punishment through the control...and it's why when we don't have control over other aspects of our lives, we can be triggered to fall into our unhealthy patterns and obsession.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I was that person last year. I was about this weight, but had a manic phase (bipolar) that meant I was almost aggressively sexual and got through so many people. No way am I doign that!

 

I need professional help to find a middle ground , I guess.

[Scout]

I know I have a problem,because I *want* to look ill, and this is probably linked to a want for attention

 

What an incredibly insightful observation, and one that was probably rather hard for you to admit. I immediately understood what you meant. When I was in my mid-twenties, I got down to 98 lbs. I'm 5"4, so that was pretty skinny, I wore a size zero.

 

To be honest - I did like the attention I got. I liked it when my peers would say "You're so skinny!" For some reason, it made me feel like I had accomplished something by that. Looking back, what they probably wanted to add to the sentence was, "Is something wrong with you that you're so skinny???"

 

It's not that I liked the attention because I was shallow or self-absorbed. It's that I had a very low opinion of myself, and that included my looks. I was often very self-conscious. I don't know why so many women have such self-loathing for themselves, but it's truly tragic. What does it mean? Is our society and culture that unhealthy that it fosters these terrible feelings inside us of inadequacy? I honestly don't know.

 

I do know that one day I just finally got sick of watching every calorie and being obsessed with my weight. In short, I guess I just got sick of myself, lol - as in, focusing so much on me.

 

In the bigger picture, you start to feel bad for starving yourself, too...especially when millions of children in the world would do anything to have a piece of the food we deny ourselves so we'll "look skinny." It's just messed up...one part of the world suffers famine and their citizens die of starvation, another part of the world has so much abundance but produces women who want to starve themselves anyway.

 

Sorry, hope I'm not getting too depressing here, but these are some of the things I thought about to help change my thought process. Of course, I'd still like to lose a few (I'm about 128 now), but it's not on the top of my list, and now I see people like Britney Spears as having a really healthy physique, and someone like Mary Kate Olsen just painful to even look at.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I still enjoy it when Im having a thin day and people point it out.

 

Part of the reason I chose to put my picture on here was self acceptance, like Ive also put a mirror in my room for the first time ever lately.

I feel so goddamn ugly, it sucks like .. yeah.

[ShySoul]

Anti - If it helps in some way, from your picture I see someone with a pretty face (and I'm sure the rest of you looks good as well ). You aren't ugly. You are probably a very beautiful person on the outside, and I know from your posts you are a beautiful person on the inside. I think you are mature and insightful for realizing just what your problem is and trying to do something about it, that is often the hardest step. In time, I have every confidence that things will get better for you.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Thank you very much,Shy. And all the wonderful people on here.