Obsessed with on-line friend. My Experience

[aussiegirl]

Hi everyone!

 

This is my first post here. It is a sad one.

 

This is really crazy behaviour so I am just saying this as my experience. Maybe it will help some poor woman like me not to do this. I was prompted to join this forum by seeing the reference to the Obsession vs Love book.

 

I had heard about on-line dating in a dinner conversation and was feeling disillusioned and disgruntled with certain aspects of my marriage, even though I loved my husband, I could see that certain things would not change. I found this sex site and almost immediately saw this extremely gorgeous man living in the UK. I was besotted with his photo and his profile. I emailed him and he emailed me back and we had a couple of chats and flirted a bit. The more I found out about him, the more I got besotted. He would always hold a bit of info. back. I live in Sydney, Australia. But he made me feel alive, sexy, desirable even. I projected my fantasies for a marriage onto the poor, unsuspecting guy.

 

A month or so passed as I went away with my husband. We didn't email for about a month, but I was besotted, couldn't stop thinking about him. Around Valentine's Day last year I lost the plot with my emotions, and he cut off the correspondence. I was obsessed and thinking it was love, well one-way love.

I sent him a long "love-letter" email. Remember, we only started communicating in December 2004 and I had ruined the friendship by mid-February last year. Kept on emailing him, no reply. I had pieced together from the info he had given me, where he worked in the UK. In July 2004, I got my girlfriend in NZ to call him in the UK. By this time, I was distraught. I knew the truth but couldn't face it.

 

OMG, you think this is a woman who has experienced love and infatuation, married 14 years, and would know the difference and be smart enough to avoid it. How could this happen? Well, unfortunately, it did.

 

Turns out he only saw me as a online chat friend and that he had a girlfriend and was soon getting married. He said he had no feelings for me, never had and never will. He said my emails frightened him. He didn't say it, but he viewed me as a stalker, stating he would call the police if I ever contacted him again. He never wanted anything to do with me again, nor ever wanted me to correspond with him again.

 

I am only know learning to really deal with the obsession. I have OCD and I guess there are chemicals in my head which just pour out. I think of him, but alot more rationally now, even though I know that what I did was obsessive.

 

Yes, sometimes I am jealous that he has a wife and will have children, as I still think he is so gorgeous. But it is true, I know nothing of what he is like as a person, apart from a few emails we exchanged. I did not feel he was that nice to me, given how he dealt with my emotions, but I do not doubt that he is a nice person in real life.

 

It is sad, my OCD - hoarding and intrusive thought behaviour has caused me grief and embarrassement for many years - it has not been successfully treated with drugs, but now it has driven a friend away. I guess the fact that he is gone probably fuels my obsession with him, compared to if the friendship was still going, as then I would have gotten to know more about him or perhaps put my feelings into perspective and accepted his feelings not being returned. I would be healthier and perhaps a bit happier. Or, perhaps it is the best thing he could have done, given that I had confided to him that my feelings had reached that stage.

 

But If I had really understood the difference between love and obsession, then perhaps I would have been more circumspect with what I had said, or certainly exercised more rationality in my emotions, if there is such a thing. I would like to think I could have dealt with my emotions better, but now I just have this perpetual sadness about what I have done. I am sad sometimes thinking if he is worried that I might go the UK.

 

Perhaps I have a low grief/rejection threshold, but to say that I became seriously depressed is no understatement. Even now, I feel so much regret at what I did. How I must be perceived, as a troubled, disturbed, unstable, lonely woman, or worse.

 

I know it is not as bad as being rejected by someone in real life. But it is a rejection of sorts, based on a part of me that I revealed on-line. He never got to know the real me anymore, once I revealed my obsessive side. Even now, my mental health is still affeced. I am still suffering from the embarrasssment and the shock of what I did to him. Also the sadness of a friend I have lost forever. Someone who should have just remained a friend, and no more. I am still depressed and my life is such a mess.

 

 

Blessings, Good luck

Thank you for reading this.

[DN]

Do you think your relationship with your husband could be improved to the point where it could push this guy out of your mind?

 

Other than drugs ( assume prescription drugs?) have you had therapy for the OCD?

[aussiegirl]

Dear DN

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

I am not sure. OCD involves exposure therapy where they come to my house and garage and just chuck the lot out. That would freak me out and I would be extremely upset. I need help and relaxation to do it. Trouble is, I am always worried about something to relax. I guess with this guy, the feeling, is "So he is going to be happy and have all this great sex and babies with his wife and not with me?" I can't help thinking this. I know the rational explanation - he probably met her in the UK, and she is probably an excellent match for him and not an obsessive, as only about 2% of the population suffer from this. But I can't help wondering....

 

As to things between my husband and me, that is going to require a lot of work. Having a baby with my husband would nail the coffin in my mind about this guy. I am scared. I don't know what to do.

 

Does that make me an awful person?

[DN]

No it doesn't. But only have a baby with your husband for the right reasons - after you have done the work to get your marriage back on track.

[aussiegirl]

DN

 

Yes, but how do I get this guy out of my mind, given that it was only an obsession. I have considered having shock treatment (OCD). It makes it harder when it is someone who you don't know and who is unattainable.

 

And in case you are wondering, no, I don't believe he is a cyber-predator, and no, nor do I believe that he would have any reason to lie to me about his impending marriage, or use it as an excuse to really be seeing other women. And even if it wasn't the truth, it makes no difference as to his now "fixed" perception of me!!

 

I just feel like it is all doomed. Sorry to sound so pathetic.

 

 

Thank you.

[DN]

Are you sure that this is a result of the OCD? i don't know what treatment or diagnosis you have had but maybe you should look at this

 

 

[aussiegirl]

Yes Hello DN

 

That's what it probably is. Why I cannot let go thinking about him and am crying all the time because that is what I have to do, but find so hard to do.

It is easier to think of the fantasy of him and what he is doing than to focus on my marriage and my life, which seems like such a desert, compared to the oasis of fantasy I imagine his life is. I can't study, can't do housework, I cannot concentrate on accomplishing the most minimum chores. I might as well be dead, but not for the people I would leave behind hurt.

 

I called a therapist I used to see about an hour back, and she would not engage with me, because she knew I would want to talk about him "D" and she does not want to fuel the addiction/obsession. She thinks I should have marital therapy, but I know my husband doesn't think there is anything wrong, that this is just another of the many obsessions I have had since the time he has known me.

 

Imagine what this poor man thinks of me. Everytime I read his final email to me, I understand more of where he is coming from and how he could not possibly understand what I went through. And now my recent quest to find out more about him from a lady he slept with him sometime in London, who knows when, who would only reveal a very broad statement about him (maybe if you had met him you would see how "flawed he is in heart, mind and body") and nothing more. I guess she is trying to help me in thinking that giving me more information about him would only fuel my obsession about him. So I have to thank her, even though at times I hate her for withholding information about him. No doubt she has discussed this with "D" and I even managed to get who I thought was a mutual on-line friend of both me and her embroiled, by sending him a weird email telling him my story and mentioning her, which she was not pleased about, and he just basically told me indirectly to "f*** off" in his post on his webpage.

 

So all I have done is made enemies of myself, and probably just enraged him further.

 

What is the point of living, sometimes, I wonder?

 

Thank you.

[Blured]

Hm, would it comfort you at all to think that this guy was only an on-line friend, and this means that alot of the thoughts you had about him were manufactured? You said you went on holiday for a month, if you were thinking about him all of this time, but he withheld information from you, you must have assumed some of this. Try not to beat yourself up about this, I've done equally obssessive things and I dont have OCD (I met a guy and wrote a frankly scary email to him, when I met him again he was completely different - I realised that I had imagined this perfect guy, when actually he just wasn't at all).

[JC3]

I think you are being WAY TOO HARD ON YOURSELF and you are obsessing now over the loss of this relationship/fantasy. The fact of the matter is that this man still engaged in conversations with you and was engaged. He didn't tell you this upfront now did he? Did you tell him you were married? So your "relationship" based on HIS lies wasn't a healthy one. You are unhappy in your relationship so of course a man on the internet can fulfill all of your fantasies and make reality seem like a nightmare because you are in a real marriage with real problems and real life. Your fantasy man has many holes and while you can blame yourself ..he had a part in this too. It isn't like you all along were sending him one sided emails. Your intensity just scared him at the end and he was more afraid of you blowing his cover and his fiance finding out than thinking you were a stalker. What really needs to happen is for you to find an addictions counselor someone who can help you separate love and to really learn what love means to you and to fix the things internally that are stopping you from being a productive woman who is just doing things to make your life worse not better..your judgment is not clear. You should be looking for ways to decreas the drama in your life..not increase it. Another person can NEVER save you..you have to save YOURSELF right now. Learn to be your own best friend and spend time learning what you really want in life and to fix your own demons. This will allow you to either fix your marriage so that you are present in it fully or to walk away BEFORE engaging in meeting other men. You had a affair of the heart! Is this really what you want in your life? Try to live your life with integrity and to treat people how you would want to be treated. If you found out that you husband did the same, would you consider this "cheating?" You need to fix YOU and the rest will fall into place.

[aussiegirl]

Blured, thank you hon. I am glad I am not alone in this. But for a 39 year-old married woman to behave like a love-struck teenager!!!! I know I was a "late bloomer" when it comes to boys, because I wasn't allowed to have one and never really developed social skills with regards to men at university either, and I honestly thought that my studies were better for it, and that when I met the right guy who would be my husband, someone who wanted me, then it wouldn't matter, but it didn't happen that way. However, my OCD has always got me into trouble, I am just lucky I have a very tolerant husband and that he was aware of my quirks before he married me!!

 

Blured yes hon - I did assume he was single. In order not to be too "prying" to begin with, I only asked him about his encounters on the site, not whether he was seeing anyone at the moment. I guess I didn't ask him directly, but inferred it from things he said like having gone up to Scotland (he lives in England for a few days and stating he asked strangers to take a photo of him, I mean yes, I inferred it. I inferred it also because of his keeness in returning my emails, or was that just politeness, who knows?

 

Blured, I just wish I had got a chance to know him better, and for him to know me, though on-line it is always going to be a case of "fill in the missing bits". Who cares if he would always have been a fantasy, women fantasise all the time, but at least to have kept a friendship in real life, which I ruined, would mean that at least he kinda respected me a bit as a person.

 

So what happened with your guy, did you reconcile your fantasy with reality and still accept him? Or were the differences too "irreconcilable" and you parted ways?

 

Thank you for your reply, hon.

 

aussiegirl X

[aussiegirl]

Dear JC3

 

Thank you for your reply, hon.

 

To answer your questions....

 

Who knows if he was engaged at the time? I didn't ask, I just assumed he was single. His profile said "divorced", it did not say "attached". Yes hon, I did tell him I was married, in fact I chatted to him on both occasions and would tell him I had to go to bed as my husband was calling me. My profile stated I was married, and NOT looking for sex, by the way, only "erotic chat or email".

 

Of course, he would never admit that he had a part in it, however small. Sorry hon, yes the emails were one-sided in as far as he did not reveal his emotions to me, even when I did so rather cautiously to begin with. His email in July 2005 to me contained a sentence similar to the following "I do not believe that I gave any indication in my emails that you were special to me". In fact, this is correct. In my two prior chats to him, I thought I may have been special, but as it was my first ever experience with internet messaging, and with on-line flirting, I imagined his sweet little remarks and heart icon he sent me meant that, when that is something all guys do on-line!!!

 

Yes, I do need an addictions counsellor or some kind. My OCD is fairly chronic. I am not actively seeking other men out, or giving my heart to anyone, although I do sometimes crave to be made love to. In fact, I have a local married guy with kids, interested in me and me in him for some time, but we are happy just to chat on-line to try to discuss and understand our mutual problems! He is nice, but has not given his heart to me, and I have no intention of giving my heart away to him!

 

JC3, don't you honestly think I stalked him? When I would check constantly to see whether he is on-line, send him as he suggested to me in his July email, were increasingly more aggressive/obsessive emails , ask me to stop in February after I sent him my "angry/aggressive" email, then send him more emails (not aggressive, but certainly some were tinged with anger) at sporadic intervals, then get my girlfriend from NZ, who was so concerned for me, to call him at his work in July. A funny thing though. He told my girlfriend in NZ during the conversation that a part of him was flattered and amazed I could think that way of him without knowing him, yet his email immediately following the conversation did not reveal this at all.

 

JC3, I don't know how I could realistically walk away from my marriage, even if I wanted to. Firstly, despite all our problems, I love him deeply. I would have the guilt of ruining my husband's life, even if that is temporarily. I am not over this UK guy, as much as I am trying, so cannot give my heart to anyone else, there is no room in my heart after my husband and the UK guy. [Yes, I know the UK guy is a fantasy, but he is still in my heart. I still imagine the UK guy making love to me and being the father of my children, I do not know why that is, but it is the sad truth.] Who would I find that would love me as much as my husband loves me, after 15 years of marriage and all this, or who I would love as much as my husband, however imperfect our marriage is, and however many problems we have?

 

Yes, if my husband did the same, I would consider it cheating, but then again he may learn a bit more about his sexuality or he may not get it at all. I am certainly not advocating cheating. I guess that it is sad that in my "weak" moments, I do fantasise about this UK guy, but it is better than having "fantastic" thoughts about him all the time that I do think about him, which is more than I should!!

 

All I know now is that I don't know if I am going to be able to ask my husband what I want from this marriage. My husband, of necessity, has become like a father figure to me, and I guess that means I do not feel I have any "bargaining power", to ask for what I feel I need. Also, in a way, I don't think my husband is capable of understanding what I really need and want. I have such little energy to do the things I need to do, that perhaps what I want is a fantasy, also. How can he be a lover to me, and a father of any future children, though the latter is even more unlikely now, given what I have said above, when he has to "father" me? When things were less "shaky" before, and I worked and studied, did a bit more around the house, we have never really "made love" in the way I would desire now, and he never really wanted to have children, whereas I always thought there might be a possibility one day that I might. Perhaps he just doesn't have the confidence in me, perhaps he doesn't have it in him. Perhaps a bit of both, for each of us, I don't know.

 

O.K., so I should try and become a strong, independent woman with a career so that I feel good about myself, a great housekeeper and always cook his favourite meals and be devoted to him emotionally, do you think that is really going to be the key? Somehow, I don't think so. I will keep on searching for answers, though!

 

Thank you so much for replying, JC3.

 

Best Wishes

 

 

aussiegirl XX