PrincessLuXLu Posted July 16, 2003 Share Posted July 16, 2003 Hi, my name is Lucy and I have a boyfriend. We've been together for 2 and a half years. To begin with he seemed like a nice guy and said he wasn't like other guys. He also told me that it is stupid how guys have girlfriends and they watch porn. But of course i didn't believe him. I wanted to but i didn't. The reason why is because in the beginning of the relationship, he was always talking about other girls, not just once, numerous times. The way he spoke of them sounded like he liked girls like that. Anyway, when we started going out till now, we have had alot of sex. He always claims that i am terrific and only thinks about me in a sexual way. I felt special of course, because i thought i took him from all that "garbage", that's what he called it. He even said it is stupid that woman does that and it doesn't rock his boat. Well, what i did was i downloaded alot of porn and i spoke to my ex because i was depressed and my instincts told me he was looking at that stuff. Of course he wouldn't admit it because he wanted me to continue having sex with him and he loves me. He spyed on my computer and found out that i had done that. But after that he told me he isn't and he wouldn't because i am all that he needs. I stopped because i didn't want to do stuff like that because i don't like it and i thought he told me the truth. That was more than a year ago. Well, one day he bought a computer and it was set up in his room, and i know i couldn't trust him. So one day, i decided to use his computer while he was in the shower. Little did i know, he was looking at porn sites behind my back. Once i found out, i started to cry and i asked him why. He quickly told me to leave and wanted to break up with me "again". He told me he did it because he knew i was going to snoop and that he didn't do anything to it. So fine, i believed him. He asked me to stop accusing him, and i did. I was really nice to him afterwards, and didn't bring up the subject. About 3 days ago, i found stuff in his cpu again. Again, he told me to leave because he knew he did something wrong. The worst part was, i had sex with him on the same day and we made an intimate video just in case he needed it. He admitted he did something with the porn for a while and he lied to me so i wouldn't pester him about it. He even told me that i left him horny again and he had to do something about it. Then why the heck did we make that video with him. He looked at porn more than he watched me. I felt like i didn't satisfy him, so I am depressed especially the fact that he was the only one i trusted because of my problems. The worst part was that he didn't share this with me, and if he wanted to look at it together, I would. I know it doesn't make sense, but this feeling makes me want to die. I can't figure out why. Help!! Link to comment
crookster_man Posted July 16, 2003 Share Posted July 16, 2003 LuXlu, relax. Why is this a situation for you? Most guys look at porn, and almost everyone masturbates. These are things that we all do. There is no reason for you to be upset about this. You have to understand him looking at porn is actually a good thing. As you know, the male's impulse is to spread his "seed". So remaining faithful is a challenge. However, it's a scientifically proven fact that men who masturbate to porn are more faithful. Why? Because they trick their brain into believing that they are with other women while sill being loyal to you. Honestly the pictures or movies on his screen mean nothing to him. I'm sure he even thinks of you while he's doing it. There is no need for you to feel this way. Everyone masturbates, sometimes we thing of other people. This is not a betrayal this is the reality of the world. He still loves you, and wants you, but he probably feels that you are being far to controlling. The only reason he lied is because he felt bad and tried to protect you (That was wrong of him to lie). You have to understand that what he is doing is not an insult towards you in anyway. Obviously your trust and belief in him has been damaged. You need to address it, and understand that he really doesn't want to hurt you. But what your asking him to stop doing may be too hard. (Every guy does it) so you need to ask yourself why do you feel so insecure with yourself? If you didn't satisfy him, a little porn wouldn't do the trick. Trust me, it's all good. Link to comment
Turboz Posted July 16, 2003 Share Posted July 16, 2003 Hi there I have to agree with the response to your post that all men like looking at porn. What is the problem with that? - He may be looking but he's not touching is he? - What is he touching? - YOU!. If you love someone then surely you love them for who they are and who they were when you first knew them. It's not fair to fall in love with someone and then try to change them - that simply cannot be done. It is not fair to try and rewrite someone's mind because you don't like the way it operates. Try to understand, he likes looking at porn. Women have beatiful bodies and its the male instinct to want to see as many of these as possible - even if it's only in magazines or pictures on the internet. I suppose you don't like looking at men with muscles? - I'll bet you've looked at men with no T-Shirt on when it's a hot day haven't you? - Now do you understand what it's like for men? Accept him for who he is and what he does. Your relationship with him will be a lot happier for it in the long run. Link to comment
faeriechyld Posted July 16, 2003 Share Posted July 16, 2003 I can understand why it upsets you as it does many women. But unfortunately no matter how much we cry that we hate it, men will probably never stop looking at porn. Oh and as for the muscle t-shirt comment, I don't think that's a fair comparison as I don't know of many girls who will sit there and watch some guy and get off on that, especially if it's on the street or something which I felt was implied. But anyways, back to the original post. The best thing you can do is try to remind yourself as both other posters have said, that this has nothing to do with you. Men have a higher sex drive, on average, than women, so it is natural that they must do something to relieve that. We don't like it, and we probably never will. But you can't break up with someone or keep fighting with someone over that. There are a few men in the world who do not look at porn, but as they are few and far between, I don't suggest spending your entire life looking for them. If you can and you want to, try to reconcile things with your boyfriend and calm your feelings. It will not be easy, but you cannot continue any relationship with a man if you feel this way so strongly. Reassess your feelings and try to look past this "habit" he has. Good luck. Link to comment
PrincessLuXLu Posted July 16, 2003 Author Share Posted July 16, 2003 Well i understand what you are trying to say. But it hurts so much because he took me away from all the bad stuff and made me believe stuff like that was bad. I also had prior experiences with other partners before and was treated like a slut. I was even forced to have sex with those other men. He doesn't like guys checking me out or think of me as a sex object. Why does he treat me and those other woman like some getting off toy? I attempted to stop having sex with him because i felt unsatisfying for him and he attempted to end the relationship because of it. I am a beautful girl like i was told, especially by him. I have a beautiful face, nice hair, petite, and curvy. I look way better than them, they all look like hookers. Maybe he is afraid of loosing me and doesn't feel good about himself. He may even been depressed and may do it out of frustration. Either way he lied to me so many times. If he would rather look at that then why does he need me in bed for. I feel like such a slut now. Especially the fact that he said we should end it if i didn't give him any. Link to comment
speedracer780 Posted July 16, 2003 Share Posted July 16, 2003 I am truly amazed at the amount that pornography affects women. Was it really a shock? I thought it was common knowledge that any guy with an internet connection looks at porn at least every once in awhile. It's in no way a betrayel of any sorts. And being with a real person is always better than looking at pictures or movies but guys like to have their fantasies I guess... Maybe you could tell me why it hurt you so much that it made you cry? Why does it bother you? Link to comment
PrincessLuXLu Posted July 16, 2003 Author Share Posted July 16, 2003 I felt betrayed because he made me think it was bad. He said it was stupid and they are doing something stupid. I just wish he didn't try to make me feel so good about myself but meanwhile i really didn't because i knew he was lying. He tried to convince me he doesn't like that. When we watch a movie and there is a nude woman, i asked him if he likes that, he says no and said he would rather it be unseen. He made me convinced that he was different. Also the fact that i give him sex or get him off almost everyday. Twice in one day maybe. How would he like it if i did something like that? He would stop being with me and he would want to stop being with me without the sex. He doesn't even suggest that if he likes it we can look at stuff like that together. I suggested that because i love him overall. Link to comment
Taurean Posted July 16, 2003 Share Posted July 16, 2003 Hello PrincessLuXLu, Your boyfriend, in all probability, lied to you from the very beginning of your relationship about porn. The debate about porn, its effects or uses and its almost inevitable presense at one time or another is a tricky issue that is better defined by WHO you are and WHO your boyfriend is. The ideal would be for you to be with a man/boy that dosen't watch porn or uses it very seldomly when he is single. The ideal for your boyfriend, is if he was with a girl that was more carefree and didn't personalise it against herself. However, this dosen't change the fact that so long as he 'scolds' you for discovering porn, means that he is feeling guilty. He feels guilty, probably because he is a young boy and so is insecure about the things that he likes and also that you have a problem with him watching porn. The fairest move he could make, was to admit to you that he watches porn (without blaming you, ie using it because you leave him horny) and that he TRIES to actively lessen watching it and to eventually stop using it. Porn steals the spirituality away from making love in a relationship. Not all relationships are built on a spiritual sense, these relationships are the ones that are more tolerant and carefree about porn. What IS important however and don't forget this, is that porn IS an issue to you! You should never have to feel guilty about the way YOU feel about porn. I think that porn means something to your boyfriend, if you break up with him because of porn, that would be tormenting him as he would want you and porn in his life for the time being. Better to try to work with him in getting him to stop watching porn. If he refuses to meet YOUR needs for security and well being, then ask yourself if him watching porn is such a big issue for you. If it is, then you can warn him that you are unhappy about it and what happens after that (an eventual break up) would be his 'choice' as he is being stubborn about it. There is no such thing as "the male instinct" to watch porn, as if it is something that males are inherently born with. A boyfriend that cares about you and your feelings would be willing to try to better himself for the sake of the relationship. Meeting ½ way or making some sort of plan with him could also help, so that he also feels that you too are making an effort in trying to understand his sexual urges. Kind regards, Taurean Link to comment
faeriechyld Posted July 16, 2003 Share Posted July 16, 2003 Well, all I can say is, you don't understand why we get upset at you looking at it; while we don't understand why you must look at it. This is an issue that probably will never be agreed upon. Link to comment
romantic sweetheart Posted July 16, 2003 Share Posted July 16, 2003 Hi. I just read you post, and I disagree with the first two responses. I don't think men are incapable of controlling themselves. We are more than our biology..we are emotional, spiritual creatures. I have my masters in Psychology, and I have read all the studies and explored this issue in depth. To say that men must be slaves to these biological impulses, even at the expense of their hearts and the hearts of their loved ones, is doing a disservice to what we are as human beings. We shouldn't assume men are somehow more primitive than women when it comes to fidelity; these ideas keep creatiing misunderstandings between us. Both men and women are fully capable of being loyal to their partners without needing "outside stimulation." I believe love and sexuality are sacred, pleasurable, bonding experiences, and when someone is seeking gratification elsewhere, it is harmful. We have an understanding of what love is, what love requires, and how we are to be for each other. Love asks that we be faithful, and looking at porn is not being faithful. The explanation that it is "harmless fun" or "just pictures" doesn't trick any of our hearts. It hurts when you know that your lover is viewing other women in a sexual way. Just because it is through the computer doesn't make it any less harmful or devestating. No one can tell you not to feel hurt, because what your boyfriend did is hurftul. Don't question your heart....if this bothers you, you need not accept it. Don't feel like you have to, my dear. I had a boyfriend who also viewed porn, and it devestated me. Like you, I had a very close relationship with my boyfriend, and I trusted him. It hurt terribly to find hundreds of pictures of porn on his computer, even naked pictures of classmates. It wasn't right; it was deceptive and hurtful. It is okay to want someone to feel the same way you do about sexual fidelity and porn. Sex is a very sensitive, personal matter, and it shouldn't cause hurt and grief in your life. These feelings are real, these feelings must be addressed. There are many people out there who find porn to be harmful. I am one of them. It isn't innocent fun...it hurts women, it hurts men, it distorts what sexuality truly is. Sex is about love and respect and the giving of oneself to each other....it isn't about money, entertainment, or a quick masturbation fix. I know many men who disagree with porn. Your boyfriend has hurt you because he implied he felt the same, and failed to tell you he watched porn. I realise many may disagree with my viewpoint, but I understand. I know I might be in the minority here, but I just felt I had to write this. I have been hurt by porn, and I know several others whose relationships have been devestated by a man's porn addiction. Speaking from my background in psychology, in my faith, and in my own life, I firmly can say pornography is detrimental to the trust we so naturally seek in our lover's heart. Only with respect, kindness, truthfulness, and romance, can we be free. Don't give up on the ideals of chivalry and romance. Porn is too prevalent and accessable now, taking us away from the true beauty and intrigue of love-making, devotion, and passion. Link to comment
speedracer780 Posted July 16, 2003 Share Posted July 16, 2003 Well I think he is trying to say the "right" things when you ask him those questions. I don't know why you are asking those questions either... They just lead to arguments, confusions, or lies. You know what the answer is to these questions you have about what guys think. We are all telling you in fact. I can understand that he is treating those women on the screen like sex objects. That is exactly what they are. It's not that you are not satisfying him at all. I'm sure he is plenty happy in bed. Guys have masturbated since the beginning of time and have used some sort of visual stimulation to do so. This will continue for just as long. I am curious how you stated things such as you "give him sex" and you "get him off". It should be a sharing of each other. you should not be having sex to please someone. If that is the case you may want to reevaluate the reasons you are having sex. In response to the above post, I agree that porn can be eliminated from ever being looked at by a man. It comes down to upbringing, beliefs, and morals. It is you beliefs that you should not. It is others that believe it is ok. I just don't want to see any implications of judgement being passed soley on the basis of pornography. I think thier is a big theme of maturity here. Did Princess ever tell her age? Link to comment
PrincessLuXLu Posted July 16, 2003 Author Share Posted July 16, 2003 That was beautiful romantic. It made me cry and i truly believe you when you say all that. The worst part was, he suggested us to no have sex the next day because he wanted to hang out. That was pretty much abnormal because he have always wanted sex. He even said he had to study and do homework the next day. So i guess he couldn't wait for me to get there the next day to please him. He also claims that he doesn't like it but i turned him into a sex addict so he needed to look at another woman for the time being. Did i mention we made a sex video together? He could've used that because there is nothing wrong with looking at me and him making love. The BS he gave me was he forgot it was there but he would rather have me. Does that make any sense? He also tells me he always holds it until i see him. I give him every single oppurtunity to have me. He even said i was the best he ever had. What the heck is wrong then? How can he look at me the same day after he jerked off last night. He woke up at 12 in the morning just to do that. Link to comment
speedracer780 Posted July 16, 2003 Share Posted July 16, 2003 Princess how old are you and your bf? I keep noticing this reocurring theme of you giving yourself to him and you pleasing him. This giving sex as a gift or a sacrifice. Sex should not be used as a tool to make people happy. Link to comment
PrincessLuXLu Posted July 16, 2003 Author Share Posted July 16, 2003 I am 18 years old, and my boyfriend is 21. Maybe it was because of my relationships in the past. I used to date almost all guys that were like that. I didn't mind. But how is he going to try and make me the best in that department if i'm not. It's like having a relationship with 2 people. The person he was before made me believe who he was. I am really attracted to innocence, but with all the lies especially, it just didn't make any sense. I wouldn't even mind if he hung a picture of a woman on the wall naked, if he thinks it looks nice, fine. But he looks at another woman when he gets home, and sneaks and masterbates with it while i am sleeping in my bed waiting to see him the next day on the same day i gave him sex. He was also unsure about seeing me the next day. Link to comment
crookster_man Posted July 16, 2003 Share Posted July 16, 2003 I just want to straighten one thing out, I never said that men are controlled by their biology, only influenced by it. I don't know what you are hoping for Luxlu, There is no answer to your question. Only suggestions. In the end you will have to decide what you will accept what you will not. Simply put you BF's actions are hurting you. He doesn't feel that his actions are wrong. If he does it's only because it hurts you not because he thinks it is wrong. Chances are he will not change. You have to find somebody who has the same boundaries as you. If you do not accept his behaviour tell him. If he refuses to change leave him. Chances are your unhappiness is bringing him down and eventually he will leave you if things don't change. Your only obligation to happiness is to your self. If you are in a losing game change it. Chances are he is not going to change. His views on this are different then yours. So you're going to have to learn to accept it or move on. Good luck and follow your heart. Link to comment
garymax Posted July 31, 2003 Share Posted July 31, 2003 As a one Dr. Edwin Louis Cole pointed out to us men: "Master your passion or it will master you." You make the decision as to what to think on. [Phillipians 4:8] Remember: No one can be tempted with what they do not think on. Link to comment
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