how can i reclaim myself?

[lgirl]

hi y'all, wonder if this has happened to anyone else. i was reading an article the other day that said people fail to move on after break-ups if their self-esteem is bound up in their ex's appraisal of them. this is my story!!

 

this totally struck a chord with me, but i don't know how to unravel it, get it back. can anyone explain how this happens (or suggest any websites/further reading) - how does yr self-esteem get caught up with the other person and how do you get it back?

 

it's 9 months on since the TRAUMATIC break-up with my ex and aside from various issues it's brought up, this is the major sticking point for me. i just want to be free now b/c i am just getting more and more depressed as time goes on, losing hope and feeling like any self-esteem i had is just draining away. why is it getting worse instead of better? i still spend most nights on some kind of mental hamster wheel going over it all, feeling so angry and sad. it's making me so tired and sick of heart - i have never felt so low in all my life

 

how do i get 'me' back?

[brando]

Their is no time limit on getting over a heartbreak. Unfortunately we all heal at different speeds.

 

The article your referring to sounds true for the most part. Not everyone stays stuck on a past relationship. I think one person may have more invested than the other in a relationship, and some of us may have never learned the lesson of losing a special relationship.

 

My suggestions are to watch your thoughts. Just because you rehash the past, doesn't mean you need to continue doing so. I don't know if that is a comfort zone or a habit. And also remember that they are only thoughts, and you can allow them to be looked at and then let them go.

 

I would also suggest looking at literature on Co-Dependency. Usually when a person wraps themselves up in another person, it is a sign of some co-dependent characteristics.

 

You may need to begin a rediscovery of yourself. Finding the things that you like to do, and learning the things you don't like to do. It is a time for reinvention, a time to grow further into the self you want to be. Take each day one at a time.

 

be well,

brando

[becallamjr]

I'm in the same boat that you are in. I haven't gotten over my ex and it has been a year. I have little or no self-esteem. Truly i believe the only way to get yourself back is to find closure between you and your ex. I'm still working on that. But, I also believe that a part of you stays with them and you can never get that part of you back.

[lgirl]

i just feel a part of me died - my ex killed something in me b/c i don't see what there is to look forward to. i don't even feel like there's anything i like; just feel a terrible apathy when i think of my life now. i really want to be free of all this. wish there was a way to block the thoughts, forget about it all. even tho' i know i am better off without someone who could damage me like that, i feel each day that passes takes away a bit more of what little hope i have in things improving; i am being worn down by it. even having analysed it and worked out what went wrong and why he wasn't right for me, i'm still stuck!! logic doesn't help - why can't i move on from someone who was so nasty to me in the end? i have never been like this before - always been able to make a clean cut in the past. but this is so much worse, i can't find closure (made worse by the fact it was a long-distance r/shp). it's really screwing me up and making me feel suicidal at times!! i feel i lost my life somehow... there has to be a way out of this

[becallamjr]

suicide is never a way out, i sliced into my arms with a box cutter, i went in about 3/4 of an inch starting at the wrist and proceeded to my elbow. For what? for nothing. Are you with anyone right now? If not, I hear that is the best medicine to free yourself from past relationships.

[lgirl]

becallamjr,

 

no i'm not with anyone right now - haven't been since my ex betrayed me. i really need that kind of distraction right now, someone to take my mind off him, but i feel too MESSED up to get close to a guy again i actually dread the idea! i can't face going thru any of that again - it's like i've developed an aversion to it r/shps don't last, so what's the point?

[becallamjr]

im not saying to get into a relationship with someone, you need to rebound. Seriously. Don't put yourself through, what I've been going through over a year. Put things into perspective, life is way too short to be miserable. It's time to to quit feeling sorry for yourself and start gettin angry, get excited. Go out and meet people, force yourself. You know what is the hardest part for me, I know that she has moved on and is with someone else. Finding out who you are is never easy, but maybe you have hit rock bottom. If you have hit rock bottom then the only place to go is back up. I'm trying like hell and it is a hard journey, but the key is I'm trying. You need to do the same.

[becallamjr]

You and I are in the same boat as far as ex problems, honestly if you need someone to talk to or would like any advice, I am happy to help out. I have just recently gotten on the path to being healthy again. If you need to chat you can email me or YIM me, my user names are the same as my user name here.

[whatif]

Just rememeber, it's just one person's actions that brought your self esteem earthly low. When the person who you loved with all your heart suggests that you are not good enough for him, it is reasonable to feel that way. But remember, it's just his opinion and he said it leave you for something 'he thought' is better or 'new'. So, get out of your funk and start something new and exciting. If you are not going to school, get an admission in a community college and take some classes. Meet new people and learn something new. Good Luck. I almost felt the same when my gf left me.

[lgirl]

thanks for your suggestions. i have tried all that (meeting new people, doing new things) and nothing's working. logic has deserted me - i know it's just 'his' opinion, but for some reason i can't shake it (this has never happened to me before; i don't recognise myself)

 

i just wish i could find the OFF switch in my head...

[brando]

The off switch is to think of other things. Do not dwell on one particular thing. THis is a practice that will take some time to master. Do not deny the thoughts, let them come and then let it go and refocus on something else.

 

Change a thought, move a muscle.

[lgirl]

thanks - but i just want them to STOP. i am so sick and tired of having them - i want to erase them not observe them

[MessedUp]

lgirl i know exactly how u feel...its all a rollercoaster of emotions that never seems to end..but it will one day hopefully..its amazing how someone can make you feel so good and then turn around and make you feel so bad..just hang in there, we're all in the same boat..

[healinginnyc81]

lgirl, you probably feel like your ex is the one opinion that mattered and it hurts that he doesn't see you the same. I know I keep wishing I could prove to my ex that all the things she said about me after she dumped me weren't true. She was just lying to herself to lessen the guilt and hurt of leaving me for another guy.

 

It might help if you write down the thoughts as they come and then write down evidence why they're wrong. Or if they're right, why they don't matter or what strengths you have to overcome them. Seeing them on paper and seeing how wrong they are might help to reduce them. I've been keeping a diary with a sort of dialogue between how I feel / my negative thoughts because of this breakup, and the reasons why those thoughts are wrong. It's helped a little bit to raise my image of myself. It might work for you. Keep fighting to get through this, it'll be a distant memory once you get through it.

[red10]

I agree with bkjsun....I have been writing in a journal for a while, it helps to get my thoughts out, but it's also hard because i can't write nearly as fast as i think! lol. Your mind is amazing, the way you think, how you see things, how yout thoughts change,all of it - just so hard to explain....but it feels good to at least get out some of it onto paper and release the thoughts!

 

every once in a while i read what i have written, and my thoughts when i read back are so different, so in a way, it's kind of like looking at yourself from a different perspective - you should try it though, it couldn't hurt!!!

[dreamweaverdude]

I definitely agree with bkjsun and red10.. start you a jornal and lets you emotion out. express them.. i've done that before and it worked... before i was through i had written over 300 pages... I would publish it.. but LOL...

 

ANd to be honest thinking about it again. When you put so much into a relationship and feel betrayed or hurt afterwards it hurts, if it didn't there would be something wrong with us, or we would be cold hearted. Don't let it take over your thoughts. Find SOMETHING to occupy your mind. I know. I'm dealing with the same thing on a smaller scale. I just got dumped two weeks ago and all i can think of is this woman. ANd i know i shouldn't, i know I should try hard to move on and have tried, but its like she's always in my mind. And like you, i want to hear her explanation ... but know i probably never will.......

 

Find time for you...... try not to be alone as much..... occupy your mind with something else. Write in a journal and then find you a puzzle book.. Don't dwell on it.

 

Good Luck

[lgirl]

thanks guys - but i have already been keeping a journal (it's now about 5 volumes long!!), writing in it every day since the break-up, which depresses the hell out of me, especially as i know the ex isn't trying to work it all out in his 'journal'! it makes me feel so sad and pathetic, to be honest, even tho' i have felt compelled at times to write (SO many pages, what a joke!)...

 

bkjsun, i can't deny that it hasn't been helpful to a point - i've managed to work a few things out about myself. but unfortunately, i don't seem to have the right perspective to be able to see 'evidence of how wrong' my thinking is...

 

i think i must in the grip of a serious depression b/c none of this is working and i feel like i'm getting worse not better, getting sadder and sadder and worn down by not making any progress. yesterday spent the day feeling so low and lonely it brought tears to my eyes as i travelled home from work it doesn't matter how much or little i distract myself, i keep coming back to this state of mind... i can have a really cheerful chat with a colleague or go and see a friend, but the minute i'm on my own again, i just feel wretched. i even went out clubbing last Sat pm with a new friend i've made. had a little dance for the first time in ages. had to to travel back on my own at 1am and when i got in i ended up calling my ex's home and cellphone, even tho' i had no intention of speaking to him (I hung up after just a coupla rings), i can't speak to him after the crap he put me thru.

 

i don't know what to do anymore. it's now 9 months since he destroyed everything...

 

sorry guys, but it's how i feel.

[LostBoy]

Hey lgirl im in the same boat, my ex broke up with me almost a year ago and i find extremely hard just to get some peace of mind and to try and concentrate on other factors of my life. I feel i have a lot to gain in the world but am so confused on how to go about it, my self esteem is at an all time low and it really effects my choices in life and makes me feel very negative about everthing. And considering it was my first major relationship and it lasted 3 years from when i was 17-20, it has drained my confidence in everything i do and want. But i know and hope in time my mind will be stronger, soul will be able to love again and body will be healthier.

[lgirl]

hey lostboy,

 

are we twins or something? haha. what's killing me is the fact it's still dragging on, still making me miserable. i can honestly say that i have thought about my ex every day(mostly involuntarily i shld add - don't want these thoughts!!) since he destroyed things last April(!!). how many days is that? it makes me feel sick, but worse, pathetic thaty i haven't just picked myself up and dusted myself down and thought f**k him! i hate it, especially as i can't help but think he hasn't been thinking about me all this time (not that i'll ever know). i really feel i paid the price for him screwing up our r/shp and he's escaped scot-free...

 

But i know and hope in time my mind will be stronger, soul will be able to love again and body will be healthier.

sadly, that's the big difference betw us. i feel like this bitter experience with my ex has knocked all hope out of me; feels like my 'light' has gone out, which has triggered the deep depression i'm stuck in now what really troubles me is i have no fighting spirit, can't seem to find it, to get out of this...

 

anyhoo, good for you that you still have hope. i think if i was 10 years younger i wouldn't feel so bad (how awful is that?!)

[litoosh743]

Hello,

i must say, this is my exact same problem....i'm seeing a shrink because of it now and it is slowly getting me to finding my strength to shake myself out of it....didn't see him for 9 months, knew he had a girlfriend....but still could not stop thinking of him and i was so so tired of it... and yes, what you said about this article i think just reading that this problem actually exists made me feel so free...its like if he doesn't want me then i'm forever damaged goods....or something, i'm sure you understand what i mean...anyway, sweetie, after nine months i met up with him, and felt, right this is my chance to prove to him that i'm the best there is ... i'm so ashamed to say, i tried to prove to him for 9 months, not as his girlfriend, only! strictly! for sex, i'm not saying i didn't enjoy it, and that it wasn't my choice, but still, i just wanted him to fall in love with me again...i was so sure it was happening until one day he casually asked me for advice about this girl and how to get her to be his girlfriend, i broke it off about a week afterwards...and been working on myself and with the shrink ever since, of course i'm finding a lot out about myself..its not easy, and i found out something that is helping a bit and i hope that it will help as its helping me, i say it to myself quite a lot, its like pinching myself out of it and trying to actually feel something, when i have these questions in my head: oh when am i ever going to get "me" back? when will i be free again? when will i be over him and think of him as a distant memory? then - streight away - i answer myself: now. i'm not waiting for it to happen. its happening now because its up to me and i'm going to get through this.

i think one day it just came to me, because i was so fed up with this mind prison...

i also try to remind myself that i am only human and that i'm allowed to make mistakes and that no body is perfect, and that yes, some guys will not want to be with me - and thats ok...

sorry for going on so much, i just identified with it so completely...i really do believe you can come out of it, do you know why? because i'm starting to!

good luck xxx

[gratefulpain]

heres the dangerous part..... not for sure but you may go into the next realtionship needing validation from the new person.... im no shrink so take my advice with grain of salt....but learning to love you heck just try liking you first... and you will attract healthy males not insecure opportunist scumbags..

 

my .02

[LostBoy]

Im still fighting it though , i have my half ok days and my down right miserable days. My Dad said to me the other day, "why do you look so glum all the time, i never see you smile anymore" that really struck a chord within me...i really do want to smile, i sometimes feel i have actually forgotten

[lgirl]

Litoosh743, thanks for that - i want to break free of the 'prison' - can't believe it's happened either good for you you've reached that point. i just hate how it's got under my skin. i keep trying to get me back, but each time i could be focusing on myself i end up back on the hamster wheel with negative thoughts; feels like something got knocked out of me. even now i feel like i'm standing by the side of the road watching it all. i have always been able to cut off, make a clean break in the past. feels liek i can't shake it...

 

LostBoy - yeah, we're twins!! did that make you smile?