should i stay?

[orestes]

Well here it is the long and sometimes not so happy tale of my relationship. I may end up rambling so forgive me if I do.

I've been with my GF now for 2 and a half years and to say that it has been rocky going is really an understatement.

Ok where to begin, well first off I would like to say and stress that I have not cheated on her.

Ok, it first started a few months into the relationship when I had noticed that when I would leave the room and not take my mobile with me, when I'd come back to the room The light would be on it or it would have moved or Something like that. I just put that down to maybe she had Used it to find out the time or something.

Anyway I later found out she had been going through my Phone to read the texts I had got from my friends. Arguments ensued to which she admitted she was wrong and said she would never do it again. Since then she has been caught doing it on 3 other separate occasions. I have also caught her out going through my bedroom drawers and looking through the pockets of my coats.

Now bare in mind I don't live with her so she doesn't have any clothes or anything in these drawers.

We also have loads of arguments over these and several other petty things and she usually ends up dumping me over this and then she comes back a few hours later saying she is sorry and didn't mean any of it. She has also dumped me cause, as she puts it 'I don't show her that there is any future with us'. I have never given her any indication that I want to make plans about my future in ANY way (work, relationships, home, family) but she consistently pressured me into conversations about 5/10 years down the line, which I find really uncomfortable.

Ok now comes the bit that bothers me the most is that she is 10 years older than me and when we are out in public, if we have an argument, I try to keep it between us and quiet but she actually starts crying.

I have actually only dumped her once because she actually phoned a bar I went to the night before to find out what time they closed to see if it was the same as the time I actually said I left at. I have also been told by a friend that she has turned up and sat outside a club I used to go to check to see if I was there that night, she drove off as soon as she was seen.

 

I know this all paints her in a bad light and I do have feelings for her but I feel like I am being trapped and I don't know how to get out. she really knows how to manipulate the situation so she comes out with what she wants and I know I should be tough and stand my ground.

 

I would like your opinions please.

 

sorry if there is a lot to read but cutting 2 and a half

years down into this was hard enough lol.

[DN]

I think you should talk to her and try to get all this stuff sorted out - especially about the expectations you have of each other now and in the future.

 

But eventually you are going to have to decide if this woman makes your life happy or unhappy overall and then decide if the relationship is working for you.

[venus777]

it sounds like she has a lot of insecurity issues. have you discussed with her how to decrease them? what does she want from you so that she feels secure?

[orestes]

Thank you for all your opinions on this, I know I won't get a quick fix answer on this but every opinion helps.

 

We have had several conversations about this and the problems that we have/had and I do know she has been treated badly by past boyfriends and we have tried to discuss this and to get her to realise that I am not them and that she can't just not trust me before even giving me a chance.

 

We did start our relationship 6 months after she had broken up with her last boyfriend (the one who treated her badly) and i really don't think she was ready for a new relationship but didn't want to judge.

 

I do also find that she will stat arguments if I want to go anywhere with my friends when she isn't included because she believes I act different with them than I do with her. thereforeeee she thinks when she isn't there i am out trying to crack on to any woman who comes my way.

 

Thanks.

[venus777]

I honestly think that the only way she'll really realize what she's got is to lose it. It's a terrible thing to say, but it comes from experience.

 

That, or... you have to let her know somehow that what she is doing is wrong and absolutely has to stop or she'll lose you... and that you love her and want to help her but she has to do her part, stop acting like a psycho, even though it's kind of understandable. i don't know, this might be one of those cases that calls for tough love.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Ah..this is a pretty sad situation, she obviously wants to be with you as she comes back everytime she dumps you, but you cannot live your life being spyed on, especially as you have never actually committed the crime of cheating.

 

Id like to second the poster who said that if she doesn't appreciate your character after over 2 years, then it seems unlikely she will ever have any kind of real trust for you, you'll eventually get sick of it (which is justifiable) and you will probably leave her.

Is she in any kind of counselling for these issues? I think it should be suggested if she isnt.

[orestes]

Well I have come to a decision, I really don't want to but I think I have to break up with my GF. I really don't know how to do it and I really don't have any idea how she will take it, though I can guess and it will involve tears.

I will be heading out soon for a birthday night out with my friends soon and I would like to go out with out her as I don't really get the chance to do this very often (go out with my mates due to work that is). I know this will cause an argument and if I say I am going out and give her a reason for her not to be there she will only either call me about 10 times throughout the night or even follow me (she did this once before). I also have a work thing coming up and she knows she can't go to it as she does not even work in the same place as me but I know she will start an argument about that too.

 

I really don't know how I can do this but I realise I have to.

 

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts, I really appreciate the help.

[venus777]

so how did it go?

[orestes]

well i tried to break up with her and i was round at hers and started off by explaining the situation but staill it did not go as planned. i satarted by explaining everything and went to to say i wasn't happy and she then started explaining everything that was wrong with her and got upset and cried (as usual) and then went into all the problems that she has had to deal with through her life and everything that she has been dealing with. and then i just couldn't go through with it.

 

i know the birthday thing might kick off so i'm hoping that that will be the time as she will be angry instead of feeling sorry for herself and that might help the situation along. cowards way out but it may be the only way i can do it.

[venus777]

hmmm.... i tell you, there was a time i think i was like your girlfriend, it was with the first boy i "fell in love" with. i don't think it was love, it was possession and control and my crying and begging him to stay was manipulative not loving.

you will be doing a loving act breaking up with her. you may not see that now, but she is addicted to you, you are a way out so she doesn't have to think about her troubles... she may not realize it right now, but you are bad for her, like a drug, she can't get a high off of you anymore so now she is just feigning. you gotta break up with her, don't answer her calls, don't see her, cold turkey, but tell her very clearly why beforehand. and don't leave any room for any doubt.

[orestes]

Thank you and i totally understand what you mean, it does have a the signs of 'possession and control' what with the not being allowed to go out with friends without her being there and the constant coming back like nothing has happened after dumping me. i have never walked away from a relationship this serious before but i do believe your right, i believe she is crowding me and i have to get out. i'll let you all know what happens when i do it now i just need to pluck up the courage to do so.