Crisis

[Aporia]

At about half 1 last night my boyfriend rang me saying

 

`Come out to me, im outside your house`

 

This was really unexpected so I couldnt

He then text me a couple of hours later saying exacty this

 

`You cannot make up for what youve done`

Was it really that bad

 

 

 

Should I text him

What should I say

[Miss M]

This sounds VERY strange, like something a person would do when he's emotionally unstable. My first thought is to tell you if this isn't a serious relationship, drop him quick.

 

How long have you two been together. And how old are you both?

 

 

How should you respond?

If it was me, I'd just ignore him and never speak to him again.

[chai714]

Your boyfriend came over and you refused to go see him outside?

 

How old are you? Is there more to this story?

[DN]

Have you asked him since what the problem is?

[Relationship Coach]

You cannot make up for what youve done

 

If he is referring to you not coming outside, he needs a lesson in etiquette. I would suggest Emily Post's, it easy to read even for the smallest of minds.

 

You cannot make up for what youve done

 

Now if he just caught wind of something that you've done and he came over to confront you, we have a different situation. Still a poor choice of timing to resolve anything.

 

I would say either way he's slightly demanding and unreasonable. I'll take a shot in the dark and say he's under 18. Ah those late night hormone urges should be handled with care. Don't text him, ignore him.

 

RC

[Bethany]

I'd be worried that something was wrong and I would need to clear that up before I ignored him, hopefully it WAS just his hormones and was acting like a 'Tomcat' but I dunno. Sounds odd to me that he was there at 1am unless he stays out late on a regular basis of course.

[Aporia]

Hes 23

 

Thats pretty much the story he drove to my house

Im just 18

Its not a serious relatoinship either but he still means allot to me

 

 

[Relationship Coach]

So was his text in regards to you not coming out to see him or something else? If it's not a serious relationship why is he so upset? Acting like this at 23 is worse than at 17. Give us more history so we can help.

 

RC

[Aporia]

He rang me a few times, and I kept saying I couldn't go out. I wouldn't have been allowed out in the first place.

 

His text was regarding me not coming out to him. He should have given me some notice, at least if he really wanted to see me... then he should have arranged to meet up at a decent time.

 

The funny thing is, he kept saying he will have to delete my number from his phone if I didn't come out to him.

 

He texted me a few minutes ago saying,

"Don't text me again and I won't text you again"

I'm so confused right now.

[Miss M]

I would say either way he's slightly demanding and unreasonable.

 

This also my first thought. He shows up uninvited, unannounced at a very late hour, and makes a statement, a demand... not a request.

 

And then he calls back at 3 am with a mystery message that sounds like an accusation.

 

He's playing some weird game...

and this has all the markings of a loser... a disaster.

[Miss M]

Aporia, he's a real flake. ... And you can do a lot better.

[Scout]

Sounds like he was under the influence of something when he came over, which is a red flag in itself. All in all, his behavior was at best, very immature, and at worse, a warning sign of some real instablility and erratic behavior.

 

Not sure I can recommend continuing this relationship, either.

[Andy223]

Ok Aporia you have to understand... that if you dont give us enough information we cant help you.

 

his text "you cant make up for what you have done" is a very powerful message. Someone at the age of 23 would not say that unless you actually did something harmful to your relationship. (i'm not saying you did... but he thinks you did)

 

i dont think u realise the seriousness of it... talk to him about what the problem is! phone him... sort it out, dont ignore it.

 

If there was no real reason for acting the way he did, then you should save yourself the bother and leave him

[Miss M]

I think she already said it...

 

I retyped it so it's clearer...

He rang me a few times, and I kept saying I couldn't go out. I wouldn't have been allowed out in the first place.

 

His text was regarding me not coming out to him. He should have given me some notice, at least if he really wanted to see me... then he should have arranged to meet up at a decent time.

 

The funny thing is, he kept saying he will have to delete my number from his phone if I didn't come out to him.

 

He texted me a few minutes ago saying,

"Don't text me again and I won't text you again"

I'm so confused right now.

 

You see... this guy is 23-years old, playing mind games with an 18-year old... trying to get her to come out after her curfew, and then trying to make her feel like a terrible person, confusing her.

 

He came over unexpected, and uninvited, and at a late hour. He was rude, and disrespected her, and also her parents. And then he threw out accusations... and he threw a tantrum... pretending she mistreated him because she didn't jump when he made his unreasonable demands.

 

He's a loser... a flake... the worst kind.

 

And she should dump him real quick.

[Aporia]

Thanks for typing that normally

 

 

Now Im even more confused he text me back after I text him giving out about the way hes acting so inmature

 

He text me back this :

I was off my head I cant even remember taking to you, forget about it, text back

 

When he says off his head he means high

 

Is that really the case or is he feeing guilty

 

He sounded perfectly normal on the phone and he was able to drive that night

[DN]

In either case you should still walk away from him.Especially if he gets high and drives.

[Miss M]

Aporia, from your very first brief post I saw this guy is nothing but trouble. Someone who really cares about you doesn't show up at your house unexpected, unannounced, at a late hour, making demands, and then rejecting you with anger like that. That was VERY disrespectful right off the bat. He was probably drunk or stoned, but even if he wasn't, it doesn't matter. He's the worst kind of bad news. That's not how a guy shows he cares about you, and is not how a gentleman behaves, whether you're 18, or 28, or 38, or 48, etc. You're a young woman who deserves a courteous and thoughtful companion who acts like a gentleman, and he's not it. What he did is alarming, and it's how a man acts when he is VERY emotionally unstable, and/or physically abusive. There is never any excuse or good explanation for a guy acting like that.

 

You did right to stay tucked inside in a safe place. And you were also right to think he should have called you at a decent time to make prior arrangements to see you. I'm glad you didn't try go out to see him. He says he doesn't remember it?... Well if he was in such a bad state that he can't remember that absurd behavior, then I really worry what would have happened to you if you had decided to sneak out to see him. Nobody would have known where you were.

 

Now Im even more confused he text me back after I text him giving out about the way hes acting so inmature

 

He text me back this :

I was off my head I cant even remember taking to you, forget about it, text back

 

When he says off his head he means high

 

Is that really the case or is he feeing guilty

 

He sounded perfectly normal on the phone and he was able to drive that night

Again, it doesn't matter if he was high... or can't remember... or now feels guilty. None of that matters. He's bad news. Get rid of him quick. Stay far away from a man who confuses you like this. You really are better off alone than being with somebody like him.

[Aporia]

I understand what you mean but it's very hard to just leave him.

I think when you get used to a certain way of living it's hard to change it.

 

You see the thing is, is that I see the good side to this guy aswell. I've known him for about a year now and I trust him. However, he can be just so confusing at times.

 

I don't think he's taking advantage of me because I am younger than him.

I'm just as intelligent as him and he knows that. I'm just wondering why he acts they way he does. Could it be insecurity...like you said ''emotionally unstable''

[DN]

Has he done stuff like this before and if he has, did he explain why he did it?

[Aporia]

Yeah he was very late one time when we aranged to meet up and he ended up going off after a very short time because he had ''stuff to do''. Meaning something involving drugs.

 

He did apologize the next day though..but it still took me a while to forget about it.

[DN]

Someone who needs drugs that bad = someone who is bad news for you.

Walk away from this guy, he is no good for you.

[Miss M]

I understand what you mean but it's very hard to just leave him.

I think when you get used to a certain way of living it's hard to change it.

 

You see the thing is, is that I see the good side to this guy aswell. I've known him for about a year now and I trust him. However, he can be just so confusing at times.

 

I don't think he's taking advantage of me because I am younger than him.

I'm just as intelligent as him and he knows that. I'm just wondering why he acts they way he does. Could it be insecurity...like you said ''emotionally unstable''

Hey Aporia, I completely understand how it's hard to just leave him. I have my own experiences with that kind of thing so I do understand it first-hand.

 

Some of what I see in what you wrote is that he was demanding. And then when you responded to that in a very sane and rational way, telling him his arrival was unexpected, at a late hour, that you couldn't be expected to come out at that time, that he should make prior arrangements, he became accusatory, and mean. That's a big red flag.

 

And when you asked "was it really that bad" it seems you might think you've actually done something wrong when you really haven't. It also seems you might be inclined to believe his accusations and take the blame for his bad behavior. That's just not a good thing to do.

 

And when he wrote, "You cannot make up for what youve done" that and the rest that followed was a type of "punishing" accusatory comment, and under these circumstances, that's alarming.

 

You see the thing is, is that I see the good side to this guy aswell.

Understood. But every single person who mistreats us seem to have a "good side" to them. If they didn't, they'd soon run out of companions and end up very alone. And they need to maintain some of that "good side" so they can convince someone to put up with their "bad side."

 

If you continue to stay with this guy, at least try to understand that you shouldn't ever put up with being mistreated or disrespected. You knew he was out of line, so try to hang onto that perspective.. If he pulls stuff like this again, then tell him to call you back at a decent time, to make proper arrangements to discuss it, and then hang up and turn off the phone. Don't ever accept that you've done anything wrong when you really haven't. Don't defend or explain yourself when you're falsely accused. If he acts in a confusing way, draw the conclusion that it's his error and not yours. Do expect him to treat you with respect at all times, and do set high standards for yourself. Don't fall into being and feeling responsible for his bad moods or drug binges.

 

And keep in mind that as long as he's around, he's really blocking your access to something better.

 

Good luck.

[DN]

And keep in mind that as long as he's around, he's really blocking your access to something better.

 

Exactly right. I wish more people could see how they get stuck in one place in situations like this.

[Aporia]

okay it's been a while since i was on here.

 

 

i haven't seen him since.

 

but last friday he text me again saying ''text away there, text away'' i thought it was him feeling guilty again about him telling me not to text him.

 

so i text him back but he didn't reply till about 11 that night saying;

 

''i'm so very tired''

 

what the hell is going on...is he some kind of physco

 

what does those messages mean???

[Scout]

Yes, he's a very unbalanced person. Do yourself a big, big favor: curb any tendency to get involved with such people now, so you'll have a much more stable and happy dating life as you get older. Otherwise, you're starting a bad, bad habit of getting involved with unreliable flakes.

 

And I can't even begin to describe the heartache and misery you'll experience if those are the kinds of guys you pursue.

 

Please don't contact this guy anymore, ok? He's bad news.