Totally Embarassed to even be writing this....

[miracle29]

I just had my beautiful baby on Jan 10th 2006. I love her so much and I'm very happy to have her. However..

 

I noticed that shortly after I got pregnant and soon after I have had her, my husband does not hug me, tell me I'm beautiful, try to initiate sex or show any interest in me sexually. Especially when I got towards the 6th month on.....and to birth.

 

Its bad enough that I feel so out of shape and very unsexy, but his lack of passion and his never telling me I look good, or that I'm sexy or anything like this, makes me think he has lost ALL interest in me.

 

I have tried to talk to him about this (as some of you have followed my post...you know that talking to my husband is pointless because he always plays victim and tells me its me and nothing is wrong).

Well anyhow,...

 

I told him "are you looking at me as just a mother now and not a wife" I said " I am still a wife, even though i've gained so much weight i'm going to lose it really soon, so I wont be this bad forever". He just gave a look, no comment..no real expression.

 

I also notice that when I speak to him, he is just in another world. He said "I'm working, i'm bringing home money and food for the two of you and I'm tired after work, i just want to come home and relax.

 

Sadly I think his idea of a marriage is: He goes to work, comes home, plays with the baby, (not me) and then he goes to sleep, just to wake up and do it all again. He only gives me the routine kiss each morning for work, but no hug, no carressing, no kissing, no passion.

 

I am starving for his affection and i'm wondering if i'm just ugly and fat and that he has lost all desire for me. Or if me having his child has killed his desire for me.

 

This is so hard because I don't want to stay married like this and its sad with a newborn that I may have to seek a possible seperation if he can't find it in his self to love me like he used too.

 

Its been 2 years (i'm not exaggerating) since he's told me i'm beautiful. If all he will do is work come home and play with the baby and go to sleep then I can't stay in this type of marraige.

 

I know most of you will suggest counseling, but I just also wanted to know if this sounds familiar or what the hell is going on with this.

 

I feel like i'm hideous or something. This is very painful. All i do is take care of the baby. We barely talk. I asked him if he is seeing someone else and he said "no one is doing anything, nothing is going on, don't start anything, all i am doing is working and im tired".

 

But I think he may also be compairing me to his "non childbearing" co workers who have their bodies still in tact and he is probably disspointed when he comes home to me. The wife with the C-section scar on her flabby stomach and wild hair and ugly clothing, that don't fit.

 

I'm so upset about this. I now have a full time job, taking care of a baby, but i never thought in a million years, that would mean I lose my husbands affection.

Someone, anyone give some type of insight. I feel horrible.

[metro_girl]

I'm not married and I haven't been in your situation. It's been two years since he told you that you were beautiful, way before you were pregnant. Maybe it's not you or your C-section scar or your appearance. Maybe he's depressed from work and needs to seek counseling for his problems if he won't talk to you. And, maybe trying to talk to him when he gets home from work is bad timing.

[sonjam]

Ok, I thought about this for awhile, having been in the same position as you, but the other way around, this is what I came up with...

 

There could be alot of reasons why your partner is feeling this way, and believe it or not, it might REALLY have nothing to do with the way you look, etc.

 

A new baby is a lot of work for both parents, and a complete change of routine, in fact your whole life changes (as you well know). He might be having difficulty adjusting to it (as do you). Men just deal with things differently.

 

I understand that this attitude of his makes you feel undesirable, ugly and worthless, but try and look at it differenty. If you look at it this way, the void will only get wider, and if he thinks nothing is wrong, well then he wont want to go to coucilling anyways right?

 

I read alot, and one very good book says that you should sit and re-structure the way you approach this. You are obviously tired, and stressed, as well, but it needs to be initated from one of you, and since you are the one trying to solve the problem, lets start with you trying to initate stuff.

 

How about making loving gestures like, leaving him thank you notes for the things he does (change nappies, make tea, take out the garbage, rub your back, mow the lawn, whatever), buy a ready made (nice) meal, heat it up and serve it at the dinner table, book movie tickets and get a baby sitter for one night, surprise him by running him a bath.. you get the idea? little things. It wil make you feel good, and it might make him feel better about the whole situation. I believe communication is paramount, but leave the sex talk for a few weeks, first get him to warm up again, and then slowly you two should get on the same wavelength again....

 

If he's suspicious of your behaviour, tell him it makes you feel good to do little things for him, that you understand that this was a big change for him too, and you want to make it easier.

 

Believe me as a new mom I know you need all the help and support you can get, but sometimes you have to give a little too. and I don't know if you are aware of it, and if you even do it, but we tend to complain and moan alot about things, and every time you raise the subject, it feels like another attack on him. When you do feel like talking about it use "I" messages. For instance: I feel so overwelmed to have to ....... or I miss the times when we...... never say YOU never and YOU don't... they perceive that as an attack...

 

Do you think this might help abit, are you willing to try it?

[sonjam]

oh, and another thing, give your hormones a little time to calm down, the time right after the baby's birth can be a very hormonal (depressing) time for you...

[Bethany]

I think this is more about you and the way you feel about yourself than about how your husband sees you.

 

I think it's time you got a babysitter, dressed up and went out as a couple again. Staying at home day after day looking after baby, covered in puke and poo, never made anyone feel attractive about themselves. We've ALL been there!!!!

 

So get that babysitter, take a long luxurious bath, put your sexiest dress on, if it doesnt fit yet, treat yourself to something new and go out and FEEL like a woman again instead of a mother, it will do you the world of good.

 

Believe him when he says he is working for you and the baby. He doing the best he can. If he doesnt want to take you out, then he can stay at home and arrange a girlie night out instead, But get out of the house and be YOURSELF again, even if it is just for one night.

[Tigris]

Congratulations!

 

I've never had children so I don't have any personal experience, however, I wondered if he's frightened of hurting you? It could be that he's thinking of his weight on top of you? Has your C Section healed properly? Or it maybe that he thinks he'll hurt you inside? You did say that it's less than a month since you had the baby.

 

I hope you solve the problem soon.

 

Take good care of yourself and your baby.

[miracle29]

Thank you all for your kind words. It made me feel so much better and the strangest thing happened last night.

 

Not even about two hours after i wrote this (keep in mind i'm on Alaska time and up around the clock thinks to my new snookums) and I didnt complain I got into bed and just out of the blue, he put his arm around me. I almost cried, I needed just something small, just something. I couldnt believe it. I reciprocated by putting my arm on his arm and even though he and i did not sleep (she stayed up from 12am until 7am) but it was just nice to feel some affection. I think i will just trust what you all say and give it time. Also I plan on making him a very nice dinner and surprising him when he gets home. Maybe if I do that a few nights out of the month he'll be happier.

 

(I just got busted...he saw what I was writing....I'll be back...

[novaseeker]

It's a very, very common problem after having children. A pregnancy and a new child changes everything about both spouses and the marital relationship as well ... it really does. The child (both planning and arranging for it before it arrives and caring for it after it does) takes up a huge amount of time, and of course the rest of life is still there taking up time (work, chores, errands, etc.) and often what happens is the "couple" time gets squeezed in the middle of all of that. People are sleep-deprived, and they're still working, and it's very tiring in all, and people feel like the child should get priority. It's a very common scenario, really, for people to have just the issues you've described during this time. Nothing to be ashamed about.

 

What you have to do is be proactive about it. Have date nights, as has been suggested above, when it's just you two and no baby, and have them once a week at least. Set aside time (schedule it if you have to, as horrible as it sounds) for sex, and make the sex special. Set aside a few minutes each day just as couple time to check in with each other, probably after the baby goes to bed. It takes some effort and organization, but it's really just about adjusting to the arrival of the child, and making time for yourselves as a couple during this admittedly challenging, busy period. And, last but not least, realize that this period is the most challenging one in terms of time, sleep and so forth ... it does get easier, you will have more time going forward, and it's about making the adjustment now during the hardest period and preserving the couple aspects during a challenging time.

[anabanana]

hi there.

 

congratulations on having a beautiful new baby... it must be alot of work, and i have alot of respect for you as a new mother.

 

i also wanted to tell you i am sorry if your husband does not make you feel wanted or desirable... however, in my experience, i think that has much less to do with him than with you.

 

for exaple, when i gain some wight (i am 6 foot, so nobody can notice but me), i start to feel really crummy. this is not really associated with anyone making me feel this way, but is more me not feeling desirable, and lacking confidence in myself. my husband can tell me i am beautiful a thousand times and it won't mean a thing because i don't feel that way. you should do what you can to make yourself feel foxy. sexiness is all about confidence.

 

alot of men communicate non-verbally, and maybe your husband has a hard time saying those things out loud. did he use to compliemtn you alot in the past? have you told him you wish he complimented you more? i wouldn't be surprised if he didn't even know you were feeling this way. telling him you need more affection won't hurt... maybe he feels the same with you- do you tell him he's handsome? do you reach out emotionally and physically, or do you put most of the expectation on him to initiate everything? maybe he feels just as insecure.

 

anyways, i think everyone here is right. take some time out for romantic nights for you two. let him know how you feel- if not verbally, write him a letter or an e-mail. my motto is, you should share everything with your partner because not telling him doesn't make the feelings go away. it is best to lay your cards on the table so you can start working on resolving things before they start to fester and come out in negative ways.

 

we are all different people and we process things differently. it can't hurt to see where all of this is coming from from his end, since it's probably not as bad as you think...

 

anyways, best of luck. hope you're braving the alaskan winter well!

[spunkykatt]

As a mother of two, I must completely agree with novaseeker. It most likely has nothing to do with you or the weight you gained during pregnancy...esp if the baby was one that you had planned or if becoming pregnant was difficult in the first place. If you and your husband had being trying for a child for awhile it would be extremely common for him to have fears of hurting the baby after you started showing or even fears of the baby "knowing" what was going on if he had sex with you at that time. Then after the baby came, well everything changes...from sleep habits to eating, sex, even daily hygeine. Chances are he is just suffering from overwhelment, and in his own way a little post partum despression. You need to set down with him and tell him that you understand what he is going through, and then work on a schedule to set aside time for yourselves, and your marriage. Maybe leave the baby with your in-laws for a few hours each week and go watch a movie together, have dinner, or just stay at home and relax with one another. You must set time aside for you and your husband, you have to take care of it just like your new baby. Good luck to you and I hope everything works out for the best.

[arwen]

Miracle, I am happy that he showed this little sign of affection. Consider it as a start of something new, something better. I think after time, we forget to tell people what we feel. We get comfortable with the knowledge that they are there. This is not just so in marriage, I took much of what my parents did for granted and now I take time to write them thankyous or talk to them just to listen to their issues.

 

I think the way Sonjam approaches this, is very productive. It's very frustrating to try and change someone else. Start by being affectionate to him, by doing sweet little things he loves.

 

And keep us posted, ok? And Congratz with the little one!!!

 

Ilse