once an abuser, always an abuser.

[CinnamonGirl]

i dated a man (not that he is one) for 2 years who emotionally manipulated me, physically beat me, and verbally abused me.

 

i left.

 

he also did this to his prior fiance, with whom he has a child with. she and i started talking after i left him and began sharing *horror* stories together. while i never saw him physically abuse his child, i saw him emotionally manipulate her and verbally abuse her.

 

i'm not too sure why all of this happened to me. i took he and his daughter into my life with no reserve and treated them all like close family. both the mother and i chock it up to beginning to think for ourselves when we were with him and he lost control of us and just started lashing out. i know i am a great, vibrant, intelligent and very loving person, but to say the least; this has made me very leary of any man.

 

during this time of speaking with the mother of his child, his ex-fiance i learned from her that he started to date someone even before i had left. in addition, he was on link removed etc.

 

in discussion with the mother she decided to tell this new girlfriend about her past with him and warn her. i wrote a letter to her, and the mother gave it to her while she talked with her about the horrific events that happened while she was with him as well.

 

apparently, the new gf and he laughed about it together and call it a "bleeding heart testimonial".

 

all i can say is this girl is in severe denial. i would hate to see someone lose their life because they just ignored *photos* of black eyes, journaled documented entries the day the abuse happened: cold hard proof.

 

i'm sad that there is nothing i can do more to warn her. how could someone ignore the proof and evidence? she isn't going to be the "special one" to change him. his anger is deep rooted and he ignores his problems.

 

i guess i should just walk away?

[Dannysgirl]

There is nothing more you can do, she is going to have to find out for herself.

Just be glad that YOU got away from him, you have done all you can to show this girl what he's like but ultimately she is not your responsibility.

If she wants to ignore what you have told her that is her decision to make. She will find out what you were talking about soon enough and hopefully she will have the courage to leave as you did.

[Cloud802]

Dannysgirl is right, there's nothing more you can do for her. It may sound cruel, but she's being stupid, if she looks at a photo and still denies the truth then I don't know what's going on in her head. She's either intimidated by him, or too naive to see the truth that's in front of her. Just walk away from it all, try not to even think about him anymore and try to find someone you can trust.

[CinnamonGirl]

i just hope she has a good support system.

 

he has manipulated her family already, her friends into thinking he is this major "dreamboat". amazing how people can portray one thing *knowing* what they just did to another.

 

he even had the balls to write me an email last week telling me he took me to court and i owe him 13,600.00. in complete shock, and paying 50% of my portion while with him, i called the district and superior courts and they said they had never even heard of me! they looked up his name and he hadn't even filed a case as such.

 

in addition, im the mothers witness in the custody battle right now. unfortunately for me, i wont be able to move on until it is all over.

 

im broken and tired.

[Dannysgirl]

Try not to worry to much about her, you have done everything you can for her. Cut these people out of your life completely. Block his email address/phone number etc and do not respond to any of his attempts to contact you.

By all means go ahead with your role in the custody battle but try not to let yourself be burdened with a feeling of responsibility for this guy's current girlfriend. I know you feel its your responsibility to warn others about him but you have done everything you can so its now time to let it go and start looking after YOU.

Have you had any counselling regarding his abuse? That would probably be a good way of moving on afterwards. There are many womens aid groups that offer free counselling to women who have been victims of this kind of abuse and I would suggest you seek it out to allow you to purge all of this from your system.

[RayKay]

It's hard, but there really is nothing you can do.

 

My guess is he is with her because he recognized he COULD emotionally manipulate her, and get her to believe in his "side" of the story no matter what evidence was in her face. She is with him as she believes she can "change him" or he is "different with her" and he is with him as she is the perfect muse for him to start all over again.

 

She probably is not being abused right now...a lot of abusers won't abuse early on, until they slowly exert control, and then it will begin little by little. First controlling when she goes out, then calling names, then hitting them "accidentally". And by then she will be so far in, she still won't believe it until she is ready.

 

You are his ex did the right thing. Unfortunately she won't hear it it seems.

 

I advise you do get some counselling for yourself though, to help you with your own experiences, and the current feelings as well. It can help tremendously.

[Bethany]

I'm sure that this woman has got alarm bells ringing somewhere inside her. Nobody can just laugh off pictures of physical abuse. Maybe she is scared already and is already thinking of leaving him and that's why she reacted that way and joind in the laughter infront of him. Let's hope so anyway.

 

But if you're frustrated because she can't or won't see it, find peace of mind that you did the right thing and did your best and if she doesn't take any notice there is nothing more you can do.

[coollady1957]

 

TO bad this woman cant read the post Avman made here about his friend that went through horrible abuse and her life tragically ended.

 

Any kind of abuse is horrible and unexcusable. It seems the man you were involved with certainly has a history and warrants some hard thinking by any woman that would become involved with him.

[Hope75]

You know, it's a tough place to be in. After 5+ years with a very abusive man I left him. Since then he's married with a daughter, and through mutual friends I understand he beats her as well and that his friends staged an intervention-- to no avail.

 

You have done all you can. You know, even if she intially 'laughed it off', she may later, in the privacy of her own thoughts and time, seriously consider what you said. Perhaps if he acts out towards her, she will leave the first time, knowing you were right and that she really is in danger.

 

Be proud that you did what you could, and hopefully that is enough. In the end, the decision will need to come from her, but you may help steer her in that direction and not even know it.

[CinnamonGirl]

who knows. what if i am wrong?

 

i don't know how their minds work. is it possible that they do stop being abusive even without counseling?

[Hope75]

who knows. what if i am wrong?

 

i don't know how their minds work. is it possible that they do stop being abusive even without counseling?

 

It's possible but not probable. You've done all you can, the abuse was not your fault, it happened before you with his ex fiance, it's not likely to be different with the next women, or the one after her.

 

The good news is that you are no longer involved with him and so can get on with your life knowing you did what you could (as well as his other ex) to warn her. What's next is up to her.

[ff7fan]

She'll find out what he's really like when the honeymoon phase is over. You tried to warn her, that's all you can do.