I'm at a loss...

[sassafras]

I posted a while back about some issues I was having with my bf who I have lived with for 2.5 years. To sum up my previous posts: he's been unemployed since April. I've been financially supporting him. He's been depressed and difficult to get along with. I was at the end of my emotional, financial and physical rope with the situation. He wouldn't talk to me about anything. I had already threatened to throw him out twice if he didn't find employment. For the past month, he's been trying but still no job.

 

Fast forward to this weekend. We have friends who live in Florida who are getting married February 11th. Two weeks ago he asked me if we were going to the wedding. I told him I'd love to go, but I can't afford to pay for us both. He then said he would ask his parents for money. That upset me, because my opinion is if you can't afford groceries, you can't help pay bills, you don't need to borrow money for a vacation. I left it at I was going the 9thru the 15th if I could get off work, and he would need to make his own arrangements if that is what he chose to do.

 

Yesterday he asked me if I was going to Florida. I said yes, and he asked me if I had bought my ticket and I said yes. I had not told him I had finalized my plans yet, because I knew it would be an issue one way or another. He got very upset that I hadn't told him yet and started being very confrontational about the whole thing. This was a few hours after he asked me to charge up his cell phone with money. Everything boils down to he has no job and no money. I finally just told him I cannot do this anymore. I'm exhausted, frustrated and resentful of having to constantly take care of him. I have my own goals that I've not been able to achieve because I don't have help from my domestic partner.

 

So, we broke up, and he starts crying and weeping and apologizing. I told him that I care about him very much and I will help him get on his feet but I can't keep taking care of him. I offered to send him home to stay with his family for a while but he doesn't want to do that.

 

Things have progressed to worse. I received an email from him (we live in the same house but he cannot talk to me) that when he had his breakdown in April and quit his job it was because his dad died. He had not seen his dad since he was in fourth grade. Apparently, he arranged with work to take time off to go to the funeral. Work even sent him flowers (which I never saw because he stashed them). He never told me any of this was going on. I knew he was depressed and that something was going on, but when I asked he would tell me it was fine. I feel this is a HUGE piece of information to not tell your gf of two and a half years who you live with, sleep with every night and see on a daily basis. If he had just told me I wouldn't have spent the past nine+ months getting frustrated to the point I'm finished trying anymore.

 

So now he's talking suicidal. Saying that he has nothing else, and without me there's nothing, and that his only options are to live on the street or to die. I asked him if he was suicidal and he said the option had crossed his mind, but he wasn't going to do anything yet. I asked yet? and he said that he wouldn't do it at the house, he'd go somewhere else if he was going to do anything like that. I tried to get him to call a number and get counseling but he won't go. He gets 8 free sessions through my work plan.

 

I'm at a loss. I love him, I care about him, but I'm not in love with him. I don't want a relationship, but I'm willing to have a friendship. I don't know if I should call his family or what. I don't know them very well, they live very far away and I've never met them in person. I've only spoken to his mother and grandmother on the phone a few times.

 

I'm worried about his mental health and well being.

[frenchie]

This man appears to be emotionally blackmailing you, has he ever expressed any thanks or gratitude for the fact that you have been puttting a roof over his head? does he compensate for the fact by taking responsibility for the housework, cooking? what exactly does he do for you?

Youve made a stand by refusing to pay for him to go to Florida and from the sounds of it his response was to throw his toys out of the pram!!

Everything in your post is about him and his inability to take responsibility for anything in his life, if things are so bad or he is so petty that he can only be bothered to communicate with you by e mail then what is the point in living together? lets be honest it sounds like he has made little or no attempt to find work be it temporary/seasonal or permanent. You cannot be responsible for his mental health and wellbeing, it sounds as if this guy wants you to be part of some of his life not all of it. Hes choosing not to go to counselling, maybe hes scared of what they may have to say?! equally it should be right up his street as there will be no fee!! what exactly does he do all day?

Ask yourself why he hasnt chosen to introduce you to his family 2 1/2 years is a long time to be with someone for this not to happen. Go to Florida, ask him to find alternatiave accommodation while your away and get the locks changed. Take some time out, dont answer his calls, e mails ask him to make some decisions while you are away and make it a condition of the relationship continuing(if you want this to happen) that he seeks help for his depression/mental health issues and he finds some sort of job even if its part time. Sweetie its time for some tough love!

[Relationship Coach]

S,

After reading your post, it seemed pretty clear that he is trying to use desperate measures to get you back. The entire situation about his father, if it is even true is nothing more than an excuse. He was going to ask his "parents" for the money to go to Florida so I assume his mother remarried and your BF probably accepts this man as his father more than his biological one. He is playing the pity card very poorly and he has put himself in the position that he is in, not you.

 

Suicide? That's a brilliant solution to his problems now isn't it. What he is telling you is, "If you don't get back with me, I'll kill myself." He has no money=his fault, he has no job=his fault, he has no place to live=his fault, he has no GF=his fault and he doesn't want counseling=his fault. You have done more than you should for him, he has been selfish, lazy and unappreciative, now he wants to hold you hostage.

 

He needs more help than you can give him. I would suggest you contact his mother and explain to her your concerns about his suicidal comments and his need for a place to live now. You are not responsible for his failures or his actions, don't get guilted in to staying with him. Best Wishes.

 

RC

[Itsok]

Sorry but he is emotionally blackmailing you, no questions. He has had a lot of time to find a job, and like you said, you have been held back on achieving what you want because of having to financially support him.

 

Less than 1% of people who cry 'suicide' from a breakup actually attempt it, and he isn't serious, he's just using it as a way to manipulate you into letting him stay and be a blood sucker for the rest of his existence.

 

I agree with RC that you should contact his mother and then get him out of your place. It's not your responsibility to look after him. He is a grown man and could look after himself if he wants to, it's just that he doesn't have to because you do it for him.

 

Get him out of there. He is taking advantage of your good nature. The relationship certainly hasn't been offering you any perks: he's been depressed, unemployed and acting like a teenager living in his parent's house.

 

It will do him and you a world of good to not have to depend on you anymore. Do this for yourself and move forward. The time is now.