ginger25 Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Hey, was just wondering if anyone who has experienced this can give me some insight? Basically met someone who told me they had never been in love, even after having several long term relationships, although he claimed to be "falling for me in a big way"?! But that's another story. I guess my point is how can this be possible?? Are some people so scared of falling in love that they end things just before it happens? Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 It is possible to not fall in love...not everyone matches up with everyone! However, it concerns me he says these were long term relationships, tells me there was some dishonesty or leading on in those cases then. Be careful, I am sure he told his past girlfriends something similar. Some people are in love with the rush of lust and the honeymoon period...or in love with love....and like to leave when it becomes "real".....some don't want to get hurt...but those are not people you really want to be with either....getting hurt is a risk that happens when you fall in love. Even the healthiest, long term relationships full of love will sometimes hurt. Not intentionally, but they have rough times too. Link to comment
FamousAmos Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Why are some people scared to be in love? because theyre afraid to get hurt Link to comment
daredevil Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 People can be scared to fall for one, if they know the future will be hard for them.. I had this girl falling for me, and I wanted to initiate something more etc, but then she backed totally of and we didn't talk for like a month, then a month later we started talking again, and she told me that she backed totally of because she was falling for me, and she knew she wouldn't be able to handle a relationship with a guy living far away, so she backed off in order to protect her self she said. Link to comment
ginger25 Posted January 24, 2006 Author Share Posted January 24, 2006 Well I didn't really give u the whole story (they were all at least two year relationships), I guess I was just thinking that I wouldn't stay with someone for that long if it wasn't serious! But I think you are right about the honeymoon thing, I had thought that too. Link to comment
ginger25 Posted January 24, 2006 Author Share Posted January 24, 2006 People can be scared to fall for one, if they know the future will be hard for them.. I had this girl falling for me, and I wanted to initiate something more etc, but then she backed totally of and we didn't talk for like a month, then a month later we started talking again, and she told me that she backed totally of because she was falling for me, and she knew she wouldn't be able to handle a relationship with a guy living far away, so she backed off in order to protect her self she said. I think I have been in a similar situation, but a part of me thinks that if you really wanted to be with someone distance wouldn't matter too much Link to comment
AlwaysNeedHelp Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Love could bring great joy or great pain ! Link to comment
daredevil Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 I think I have been in a similar situation, but a part of me thinks that if you really wanted to be with someone distance wouldn't matter too much I totally agree I had this idea myself that I needed to find a girl in this city I live in, because I wouldn't be able to handle the "missing one alot thingy" if she lived far away. But I took the chance of meeting this girl living 3 hours away from me, and today we are together still and i'm in love with her and miss her a lot, but still IT was work taking a chance, because if you just try to protect yourself bc you would have trouble of handling it, then you shooting down opportunities before they occur. That's why taking a chance can mean a lot hehe, do you agree? Link to comment
NR498E Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 DN that link made me wanna puke.Thats why I don't think I'll ever let myself fall in love again.The divorce rate is just crazy.You can never really be sure that someone will love you forever.I've been told "I love you" by 3 diffrent women now.I'll never believe another one as long as I live.As far as Im concerned they all lied.That link is just more proof.Excuse me......BLAAAA Link to comment
DN Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 DN that link made me wanna puke.Thats why I don't think I'll ever let myself fall in love again.The divorce rate is just crazy.You can never really be sure that someone will love you forever.I've been told "I love you" by 3 diffrent women now.I'll never believe another one as long as I live.As far as Im concerned they all lied.That link is just more proof.Excuse me......BLAAAA The fact that the divorce rate is higher doesn't necessarily mean that people are less likely to love someone - it's just that divorce is easier to obtain and has much less stigma attached. I don't think it should make you disenchanted with the idea of a loving and lasting relationship - mine has lasted 31 years. But it should be a warning to people to be sure they want to marry before the wedding rather than find out they made a mistake afterwards. Link to comment
NR498E Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 I don't think it means that people are less likely to fall in love.What I do think is that people are less likely to stay commited to somebody.It seems to me that people are never content.They always want more.They always seem to think that the grass is greener on the other side.Whether they are 25 or 55. Link to comment
ksk0_0 Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 because, sometimes love is just too painful Link to comment
Confessoress Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 I don't think that proves much about love, just that people get married for the wrong reasons. Link to comment
Shadows Light Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 People can also get married for the right reasons. You can fall out of love. There are tonz of stressors that either make or break a marriage. Maybe people think that once the piece of paper is in place... they don't need to work at it. Once the piece of paper is in place it gives them liceance and a "get out of jail" free card for everything. When I seriously tried to talk to my husband about problems or issues.. he would negate them. Tell me it was all in my head or i was being too sensitive.. or simply laugh and say.. theres the door. I didn't plan to "not love him anymore" actually the discovery that I was "out of love" with him was quite painful. Shocking. Afraid of being hurt again... oh yeah. Afraid of hurting someone deeply.. yep. Am I able to love again.. Yes. Will it ever be as innocent and as carefree as it was.... I don't know. Link to comment
Confessoress Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 That's very much why I don't think getting marriage would change any relationship I have. I wouldn't get married until at lest 4 years into the relationship. I've found in my relationships 3 years is the make or break time. Marriage would be a celebration of the relationship, something for legalities to make life easier. I just think a lot of people look at it as a magic wand. Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 To be fair, divorce rates are not always a great reflection on whether love lasts or not. It's not as easy as saying the stats reflect a "lack of commitment" or "falling out of love". Many, whether in marriage or in long term relationships, feel they no longer need to put any effort into nourishing their relationship, they ignore red flags, they marry incompatible people hoping to change them. And eventually they realize that while they love the person, that other person is just not meeting them halfway or at all....sure would be better to know that ahead of time, but in reality it does not always work that way. Marriage takes work. Long term relationships take work. Many people are more in love with the idea of love, or of weddings, then of actually working to create that something great. Many believe that as soon as work involves, it must not be "real love". The fact is, in the past, just as many people probably felt miserable and unhappy together, or were having affairs and so forth. The only difference is now people have better access to divorce. Women can file for divorce from straying and abusive partners. Men can file for divorce without worrying so much about never seeing their children or paying tons of alimony when a woman now is more likely to be working, and courts are improving to be a little more balanced. Not such a bad thing either in my opinion, not everyone whom files for divorce necessarily are "out of love" - but they have abusive partners, cheating partners, are being neglected. Look, I am not fond of divorce. Don't think anyone is "fond of it". I never want to go that route, and when I marry my partner, I am going to be as sure as I can be that he is as committed to me and the relationship as I am and we have the stuff to make it work. However, it is the case that it should be there for people whom do need it. I come from divorced parents..sure it sucked, but it was the best thing for my mom to get out of that relationship, and they both have moved on, met others, and are doing absolutely wonderful in other relationships which have lasted over 20 years for each of them. I think to say the divorce rates are a result of people just not "being committed" anymore is not really fair. What good is staying together forever if you are both miserable together, just for the sake of staying married? I have seen couples like this too...and honestly, I would rather carry the "cross" of being divorced, then spend my life that way...you can be more alone with someone, then you would be single. Sure the stats are scary, but it's also like looking at it as "half empty" rather then "half full". There are many people whom DO make it, whom ARE happy. Whom love and respect one another. Support one another. My mother and stepfather are amazing, they are my role models..honestly. 20+ years, raised all us kids together, best friends, they do so many things together, he is supporting her as she fights for her life with breast cancer, they are there for one another and you can truly see the love between them when they are goofing off. Marriage is not necessary. Many people are perfectly happy never getting married, even if they spend their life with a person. But I think all the divorce rates should do is just make you SMARTER about marriage. About finding that person whom is compatible on all levels, whom shares your values and morals, whom will be prepared to go the long haul. Whom accepts you for you, whom you accept for them. They should not make you FEAR it, but rather just think it out more before you do it. Don't get married to "fix things", or because your friends are, or because you feel pressured to, or because you have been together so long, it's just "time". Do it as you BOTH want it, you can look at one another and say "you are my best friend, my lover, my partner - we are together thick and thin, can respect, honour, love one another, communicate, be compassionate...". Have a PLAN, for when things are rough, that you agree to counselling, make sure you are on the same wavelength when it comes to kids, finances, lifestyles all of the nitty gritty. Marriage is a partnership, not a lifelong sleepover. Link to comment
Shadows Light Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 Very well said RayKay.. you are on a roll this week. I think the divorce rates are so high, because the stigma of divorce is not as great as it used to be. Stats show that more women file for divorce than men. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 70% of divorces filed are by women. People have more options these days. Women are not forced to be dependant on a spouse to provide. The human species is the only one where it takes so long to get their young to adulthood. And we need "-ed" a partner to do that. With people being afforded more options and independance... there is not a "NEED" for the partner. And this is a problem. Mens and Womens roles have changed considerablly... and I believe that the nebulous definition of what those roles are... or supposed to be is a cause for much disparity in the sexes.. in relationships... in marriages. HOW is the puzzle supposed to fit... when the rules have changed. With the divorce rate at 50%. And there are marriages that stay together for the kids, finances or whatever.. how many are truly happy???? hmmm And whats the right recipe??? I think the right recipe for a successful marriage starts with TWO people who are willing to work at it. Sometimes it does start out that way.... and then you find that ONE of the persons is only paying lip service to that.."working together bit".. not understanding that COMPROMISE..and making sure EACH are HAPPY is important. That's very much why I don't think getting marriage would change any relationship I have. I wouldn't get married until at lest 4 years into the relationship. I've found in my relationships 3 years is the make or break time. Marriage would be a celebration of the relationship, something for legalities to make life easier. I just think a lot of people look at it as a magic wand. hmmmmm I was on the 5 year plan before I got married. It didn't help. Maybe I need the 7 year plan for the next round. Link to comment
ginger25 Posted January 25, 2006 Author Share Posted January 25, 2006 I totally agree I had this idea myself that I needed to find a girl in this city I live in, because I wouldn't be able to handle the "missing one alot thingy" if she lived far away. But I took the chance of meeting this girl living 3 hours away from me, and today we are together still and i'm in love with her and miss her a lot, but still IT was work taking a chance, because if you just try to protect yourself bc you would have trouble of handling it, then you shooting down opportunities before they occur. That's why taking a chance can mean a lot hehe, do you agree? Yes I totally agree with you, I guess everyone's just different and everyone has their limits. Glad it has worked out for you though! Link to comment
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