He wants to be more than I want to be

[Max Jax]

I have this friend. He is a really sweet guy. I had been dating my current boyfriend for about a year or so before I met him. He always made it clear that if me and my boyfriend H, ever broke up, that he would want to date me.

 

It gets sort of complicated in that he has muscular distrophy and is in a wheel chair and can't really leave the house, or if he does its pretty much only for drs appts and stuff...

 

Well me and H decided to get married. I love him so much.. But now my friend is hurt and upset and really short tempered with me lately.. I know he liked me, but he has known for as long as I have known him that I am in a relationship and it even then was pretty serious.

 

He keeps saying how depressed he is, that he will never find someone. No one wants to deal with his disability. That is totally not the case though.. If I had not been with H and in love with him, I might have ended up dating my friend..

 

He is so depressed though and no matter what I say its wrong.. He keeps saying he is sure now he will never get married and have a family and all that.. And I want to listen to him and help him all I can, but indirectly he keeps blaming me.. He has never said it right out, but certian comments makes me feel that way..

 

He really is a great guy, smart, cute, funny.. I know he could easily find a Gf if he didn't act like your dating his disability.. instead of him. It is a big complication and does effect his life a lot.. But he is a great guy.

 

I just don't know what to say to make him know he is and that I can't be with him.. Not because of a disability, but because I love someone else. I have said it pretty much like that several times.. But always the same thing that he is going to be alone forever, no matter what.. And he always says if me and H break up he would love to date me..

 

I don't want him waiting around for me to end it with H because I am not going to. And I don't want to feel guilty, that he doesn't have anyone.. And I don't want my friend wishing I would break up with my bf all the time..

 

I just don't know what to say or do anymore..

[thatshyguy]

Thats pretty rough. Sounds like hes been plotting the day you would break up and exactly how he would do everything.... guys do this... Best thing you can do is sit down and chat with him explain that hes a really great guy but you just never quite saw him as any more then a good friend. I know you say if you wern't with your fiance youd be with him.. but trust me.. this hurts alot more then youd think cause I've heard that . count em 3 times.. and felt pretty much the same as he is now, even helped the guy with his proposal to her in one case.

 

 

And then maybe try and get him set up on a couple dates with your friends, show him there are other girls out there like you that can see who he really is, and can return his adoration.

[Max Jax]

Well I never say to him if I wasn't with my BF I might have dated him.. That was more a side note I guess, just saying that the disability isnt the reason I dont want to be with him..

 

And about the dating thing, he can't really leave the house, or I would..

[Carnatic]

I understand that your friend has a lot to contend with, but he is also behaving in a manner that is totally unfair to you and is putting you under a lot of pressure. You maybe have to make that clear to him sometimes. I wouldn't want to be harsh towards him but when he says that he wishes you and H would split up you have to tell him that that isn't on. Maybe he would move on better if he felt he was in danger of losing you as a friend.

Unfortunately I don't really know anything about muscular dystrophy, about what capability he would have to get out and meet more people, so I can't offer any more advice.

[RayKay]

I had a friend whom would do this same thing, he would make comments like "when you are single again give me a call"...even though I had made it clear I was not interested many times (even when I was single) he chose to hear it more as "I can't as I am with someone".

 

Honestly I finally got fed up and ended the friendship because I just found it so direspectful to me and my partner. I am not saying to do this, I am saying you need to put a stop to this before it gets there!

 

You have alluded to it, but you have to be CLEAR that while he is a great friend, you are in love, and there is no way he should be waiting for you. You see him as a friend and nothing more.

 

It's a shame he is in the house so much, as if he was not, he might see there is more out there, perhaps some encouragement for him to get out there will help. I know many people with various disabilities (ie MS, paralysis) whom have found great love and relationships...but they don't come to your door, you need to get out there and find them and meet them!