Ex Girlfriend of Three Years - To Contact or Not

[Scout]

Based on what you're honestly revealing about your feelings and current state of mind, I believe you're currently poised to make a major change in your life. It's clear to me you're tired of feeling this way, and that's the critical first step for a change in direction.

 

Glad you're actively trying to make an appointment to see a professional. Don't give up on that, it may take a couple of weeks to find one, but the time is going to go by anyway, so keep lookin'.

 

Now, want my armchair analysis on a few things, lol?

 

I think you have done what many of us have also done: created a fantasy image of this past relationship to escape to - just as you use books and video games to escape from the largely unfulfilling life you're leading.

 

Now, I have to point out something that's going to sound a bit harsh: these escape mechanisms are a way for you to avoid the more challenging and less certain path of really changing your life. It's the easy way out, my friend, and it's not changing anything. It's just temporarily blocking your pain and dissatisfaction.

 

I think you must understand something: you actually do have power over your destiny. In fact, you're the only one who does - you and God, that is.

 

You must do some hard inward thinking. What are your real values in life? What would you like to contribute to this world, while you're here? What kind of career or even hobbies do you often fantasize about doing? What would you like to change about yourself, if you could? Would you live somewhere else? Would you become involved in an activity you've always been drawn to?

 

All these thoughts can lead to new resolutions on your part to explore and discover things you've always wanted to. You can't change your life all at once, but let me tell you, even small changes can be the catalyst to major change. I can personally attest to this.

 

I've gone from mind-numbingly dull corporate jobs to owning my own freelance copywriting business. I also do some freelance public relations. To be honest, that didn't completely thrill me, but I liked it better than being a slave to a corporation. Then, I took it a step further: I discovered a local band I am completely blown away by.

 

So then what happened? I found a real passion in my life. I've since gotten this band a gig at a major venue, and landed an interview for them in the city's biggest paper. I'm having the time of my life, and it's all because I followed my heart and used some talents I had towards something I truly "dug."

 

On a side note, I also am dating the drummer of the band now, lol. Did not see this coming, it completely came out of the blue. He says it seems like I dropped out of the sky out of no where. The thing is, before I dated him, I was involved with people that were completely inappropriate for me, based on my political views, world views, personality, and so on. I simply was not putting myself in situations where I was more likely to meet a natural match. I was very lonely, as a result.

 

But, so was he before he met me. And now that we're together, he tells me before he met me, he had pretty much decided that he'd never find the right person. He's shocked at how great our relationship is.

 

My point is telling you this is, maybe one day someone will tell you the same thing! You're lonely right now, but also right now, is someone out there who truly is your "fellow pea in a pod." Shouldn't you start making the necessary changes in your life that will give you back your self-respect, make you a more fulfilled person, and leading a more enriching life so when you do meet someone really right for you, you're in a position to fully contribute to a meaningful and mutually supportive relationship?

 

Again, the therapist is a good first step, and so is an active resolve to start journaling/putting down your thoughts of what you like, what you're passionate about, what's meaningful to you, and so on. Start writing some small goals down, and even some big ones. Put it down on paper, start making these things tangible in your mind. Focus on now, focus on tomorrow, even if only for an hour a day. You certainly can do that much, I know you can.

[Scout]

And one more thing...I'm very involved in animal rights advocacy. I cannot overstate how important it is to get out there and volunteer for a cause that has a profound affect on many, not just your own life. It really puts the world in perspective, and as a result, puts your own life in a more manageable and clear perspective.

 

It also gives you a real sense of accomplishment that you're contributing to the world on a bigger scale than just going through the daily motions of a routine lifestyle.

 

Also, exercise! That's a great balancer of hormones or whatever, and can really help with depression. Anti-depressants can definitely get you over the hump, and most people don't have to stay on them for their entire lives, if you're worried about that.

[justlookin]

People are unique human beings and some of us "well' we just take longer to heal.I can relate to what you are going through,some of us feel things real deeply!and are just not too good at getting happy at the expense of others.I too broke off a relationship in the same time frame as you and not one day goes bye when I do not think about her in some way.It feels like my soul is disconnected from my spirit,and I have lost my passion for life that I once had.I think you miss her,and apparently there was no closure.After learning about the mistake I made by breaking up with her(from listening to other people) and not my heart,I have learned to make my own decisions and take others advice with a grain of salt.(Example of one person in my life)My first girlfriend was 16 when i was 17 ,we broke up on simular circumstances (other people),and she was the one that was hurt more.Well after 30 yrs of no contact we accidently ran accross each other. She said she had not stopped thinking about me for 30 yrs! .It was at that point that I realized that we both needed closure.We sat down and talked,it was like we had not seen each other for 1 week,we we're truly friends.Much was said and in our truthfulness with each other,we realized that we had broken up for all the wrong reasons (mostly stubborness)and both of us had gone through life with a piece missing.After we talked,I could see the weight that was lifted off her and felt it in me too.We had reconnected!!!My basic message is that some of us need closure and if I new that someone was hurting I would do my best and go out of my way to bring closure.It is amazing what just a few kind words can accomplish.

[Scout]

Justlookin, I guess I disagree that the OP's situation will be fixed with "closure." Also, it seems he got closure - he tried very hard to win her back, and she said no. She also told him some things about him that bothered her and indicated why she was leaving the relationship.

 

I think you may be confusing "closure" with "acceptance."

[passions_just_like_mine]

Thanks for all your words. Scout I will respond to your larger reply once I have let it all sink in.

 

With regards to closure and acceptance, I guess you are right. I haven't nor never really did accept it. I still cant, I have to but it is not that easy.

 

She did tell me that she would write me or meet me for a chat in time. It never came so I guess in some respects I was and still am waiting for some kind of closure.Doubt it will ever come.

 

I feel so sickened that she loved me so much, begged me for a baby and to marry her and I didnt do it. I just wasnt ready, I was too immature or blind to see what I had. No I haven't.

[Scout]

Well, why don't you put the idea of contacting her at least on the backburner for now? First, concentrate on getting that appointment with a counselor. Once you have one, talk about some of these issues to get things sorted out a little more clearly. Then, if you still feel contacting her is something that will be helpful for you to do, then do so. But, I honestly don't recommend it when you're in a very unhappy state with your life. I can guarantee she'll sense your misery and that's not going to accomplish much but make her feel sorry for you. And I know you don't want that.

[justlookin]

Like I mentioned scout,

We are all different,just thought I would put some of my personal experience in as maybe some help,and let (passions) know that He is not alone and that there are others on here that are experiencing the same thing and can relate.You say that it seems that he got closure!I also assumed that there was closure when I broke it off with my first girlfriend,but deep inside i knew not.She tried to win me back and I said no,I told her things about her that bothered me and indicated why i was leaving the relationship!There was no closure and we both new it,her more then me.We both had so many questions to ask and we answered them honestly,that is when closure happened.Someyimes I find it very hard not to be just honest with others,but Myself.

[passions_just_like_mine]

OK so I have read and re-read your post Scout.

 

I akways wanted to be a writer or maybe an actor. Both dream jobs I guess. However, I have appeared in quite a number of short films and stage plays and been nominated for awards so not entirely unfeasible I would say. I also had a book published a few years ago and was writing for various magazines for a number of years. Again, a career in writing probably isnt setting my goals too high.

 

But for whatever reason, when I became involved with the girl I am talking about, I suddenly stopped doing these things, dont ask me why because I dont know. It wasnt her suggestion. I stopped everything, stopped going to the gym (mixed martial arts training) stopped playing my guitar, stopped the acting, stopped the writing, everything just stopped. Could well have been the start of me feeling so down and depressed at the time which ultimately led to her leaving me.

 

As I said after she left me I think or should that be 'know' that I went way over the top with letters and phone calls. I am a very sensitive person anyway and take rejection very hard but because of the state I was in, what with losing my job, my aunty being terminally ill, trying to support my mum and redecorate her house for her, trying to gather money together for a holiday we had booked before any problems, her pressuring me for an engagement ring, my health bringing me down. I just felt like the world was caving in arond me. She asked me on the telephone about a month before we went on holiday "are we going to get engaged on holiday" my response was "I dont know" she took that as the ultimate rejection and really our relationship went downhill from there. It was only a month later when she left me. I still feel now if I had just rephrased that reply ever so slightly we would be together now, but there was no going back for her. She had made her decision based on my response. That is what kills me so much.

 

So anyway back to me, I really did have ambition, I was talented and happy at one point in my life. There are plenty of things I could do and would like to do but like I said I do not have the desire anymore. Since the relationship ended I gathered some large debts, my own fault, then became involved with somebody else and although she often nagged about my debt and tried to help me, if anything she caused them to increase. This girl, although I loved her, was nothing but trouble. She was diagnosed 'Borderline Personality Disorder' and she has ripped any shred of self confidence out me. On two occasions, the most recent being just two days before christmas. I got back into a relationship with her after five months apart back in September and it has been a most tiring and stressful three months. Rather than make me feel happy like relationships should, especially if you break up and want to get back with somebody. It brought me to my knees. I became more and more introverted, I lost my confidence, she nagged and belittled, criticized and berated me. She basically treated me like a piece of dirt, walked all over me, used and abused me and ripped my heart out once more. I felt and still feel emotionally and mentally abused. But I also feel like this is all I deserve, to be treated this way. I know i am far better off without her in my life but on the other hand I feel sorry for her because she doesnt mean to be like she is nor does she want to be. I love her but I cannot cope with a relationship like that.

 

I have always felt like I am here to serve a purpose, like I should be helping somebody or something. I dont know what or why. I feel like I am wasted doiing what I am doing but care not to do anything about it. I need motivation, I need leverage but I cannot muster it up from anywhere which makes me think that maybe I dont really want to.

 

I have just called the doctors and they told me that they sent a referral letter off for me to see a psycho therapist two weeks ago, so hopefully I will hear from them soon.

 

In the meantime, I am sitting, dwelling, thinking on the past. I am dreaming of somebody returning who probably doesnt have a care in the world for me. Somebody who loved me like no other. Somebody who I lost because of my own stupidity.

 

Thank you ever so much for your replies, it means a lot to me.

[novaseeker]

A few notes.

 

First, it sounds to me as if you may be clinically despressed, to be honest. No shame in that. Best to get yourself to a doctor and therapist, and you're doing that ... hopefully that process will help you see things more clearly than you are doing now. Depression is like that: it's a fog, but you don't realize it's a fog until it lifts, because you've become used to living in a fog.

 

Second, your relationship with the BPD person probably had a negative impact on your own mental situation. Relationships like that are very mentally straining and can lead to problems that also need to be worked through with a therapist. I'd encourage you to do that when you start seeing one. My most recent ex was HPD (histrionic personality disorder), and I have an idea of how hard it is to be in a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder. The key point to remember is that you need to address the impacts on you in the aftermath so that you can get past it and move forward from that experience as well.

 

I wish you well.

[Scout]

Well, this explains a lot. I honestly think your creative, dynamic, and sensitive side has long lain dormant because you neglected it. However, it has now awoken, took a look around, and said...what the hell?? Time to get going again!

 

Seriously, creative people will end up miserable if they don't nurture that side of them. I think this has explained a great deal as to why your first relationship derailed...you got too caught up in your partner and neglected to keep your own talents and whatnot looked after, and that probably started to affect how you contributed to the relationship. And then, once you two broke up you were devastated and didn't pick the creative thing back up again. Another relationship that went south pretty much proved you can't rely on another person to make you wholly happy - you really have to take some of that responsibility on for yourself.

 

I firmly believe that a good therapist will help you continue to sort this out, and I also feel that considering taking up something on the creative side as a diversion can't hurt either.

[justlookin]

I have found that reading about others and getting feedback from people who do not know me is very therapeutic.After reading your last post (passions)your situation is very familiar.This thread has helped me alot.I still think that what you are looking for is closure,but at the same time I have to agree with the good advice from scout,novaseeker and shes to smart,we need to get mentaly,emotionally,and physically healthy first.

[passions_just_like_mine]

I wont say I amglad that our situations are similar 'justlookin' but it is kindof comforting knowing that I am not alone.

 

I wish I was string I really do, I am just so sad knowing that I am the cause of these feelings I have. If I had just rephrased things and thought about things before I replied to hermarriage and engagement questions then I wouldnot be in this position. Of course it is impossible to say we would still be together even if we did marry because as we all knownot even marriage guarantees forever.

 

I still think Iwould be in a better place emotionally if I would have seen sense.

[Scout]

Yes, I but I also think you shouldn't take the entire blame for the relationship not ending in marriage. You said you genuinely made an effort to reconcile with her. It sounds like you pleaded with her and showed your intent was true.

 

If she truly thought you were the man she wanted to marry and have a family with, she should have forgiven you once she saw you really meant it that you wanted to be with her and only her.

 

I think the fact that she was so unforgiving and refused to give you two that chance reveals that perhaps it was the idea of marriage - and not the actual partner - she was so fixated on.

 

You really should not shoulder the entire blame here. I think that part of you subconsciously realizes all this, too - and part of what is so hard for you to accept is that she would not get back together with you even though she had told you before she wanted to marry you. Perhaps her refusal to get back with you was revenge because at first you didn't want to get married, and she was angered over this.

 

If this was the case, it may have been for the best that you didn't end up with someone so inflexible and unforgiving. Maybe this was why at the time you didn't want to marry her - you sensed some things on a subconscious level about her that bothered you. I'm just guessing here, but there's a reason somewhere why you hedged on the marriage issue. And again, based on her incapability to forgive - that might have been for the best.

[healinginnyc81]

I think if you talk to her friend to get her contact information, it's not creepy. All you should say is that you just wanted to get back in touch and see how everything was going. Don't bring up the past, don't mention getting back into a relationship. See how she responds.

Good luck with whatever you do.

[passions_just_like_mine]

Thanks for the replies again. Scout, perhaps she had every right to not trust me. You see what happened was, she was really keen for us to move the relationship on, when that didnt happen we split up around June time. We spoke and I told her I did want to marry her. We were back together within a few days.

 

Then in between then and December was when I had my depressive state with all the things I mentioned going wrong in my life, losing my job etc. We had a holiday to USA planned for November and she called me at work a few weeks before we were due to go and asked if we were getting married in USA? I said I didnt know. I didnt really have the money, I was still trying to pay off the holiday (we both payed by the way)

 

We go on holiday and I could sense things were different between us. I started to get paranoid. She did say when we was on holiday, just out of the blue, something about spending the rest of her life with me. But it still didnt put my mind at rest.

 

We got back home at the beginning of December and we just seemed to be fighting all the time, it was draining and on top of all my other problems it was just destroying me and turning me into a clingy, depressed little infant.

 

the last night I was with her, we made love, we spoke and I asked if she had thought about us breaking up. She said she had thought about it but that she didnt want to. We woke up the next morning, she shouted me downstairs to kiss me before she left for work and I went off to start a new job that day.

 

I didnt see her for two days then I get a phone call from her, she said we are breaking up and then disappeared of the face of the earth for three days. Took time off work so I couldnt reach her there. Her friends and family wouldnt tell me where she was and I just fell apart. I tried desperately, calling her, writing her, emailing her. In the end she said I was giving her panic attacks. I was so heartbroken, I was a destroyed man. I lost two stone, shaved all my hair off and basically just gave up on everything. When I did get to speak to her she was nasty to me, I couldnt understand how somebody who loved me so much could hurt me so much. She told me I had hurt her too. It was the most horrendous experience of my life. Perhaps a month or so after the breakup, I called her at work, we had a brief chat and I asked if she hated me. She said she would never hate me, she said I wasnt the man she fell in love with. Well I was the man she fell in love with, I just had a rough patch, I think she should have stood by me during that time but she didnt. I asked if she would ever hate me, no matter what I did, she said no. So I waited outside work for her, she didnt seem pleased to see me. But we talked, I just needed to see her in person, I hoped it may have changed her mind. It didnt, I held her hand as we talked and that was it.

 

I sent her a card for Valentines day, no response, I sent her a birthday card in April, no response, I even sent her a christmas card, no response, one year later.

 

Now it is three years later and I miss her more than ever. I guess that is my own insecurities, that I should be still in love with somebody, who didnt care less for me in the end. But I still blame myself for things.

 

That is why now, I think if I send her any kind of communication it will either be ignored or she will think I am a freak or something.

[Scout]

It sounds like you both were to blame. Look, neither partner in a relationship is ever as "right" as they think they were. It sounds like she put all the reasons the relationship ended on you, and to this day, you are haunted by that awful responsibility, so to speak.

 

But what I'm picking up here is some serious callousness on her part, not to mention some real deception and cowardliness in how she broke up with you. She was saying many things to you that were in complete contrast with her ultimate actions. Maybe there was a little justification for that - she might have felt you would have exploded or something - I have no idea. The point is neither of you were blameless. Neither of you was solely responsible for the self-destruction of this relationship.

 

You have unanswered questions. I can't give you the answers to them. But you can actually answer them for yourself when your head is clearer and you can examine things more objectively. Right now, though, you're in the grips of a serious depression that is altering your perceptions. It's also causing you to fixate on a long-dead relationship. I still say professional therapy is the next essential step. You aren't in any kind of shape right now to resume contact with her, in my opinion.

 

You want to be in a good place with yourself when that time comes, trust me. Or else, you're going to handle it awkwardly and feel worse, and be right back at square one. I can't even say when you're in that good place eventually that if you do manage to talk with her you'll even get the answers you want. That's why I say you have to figure these answers out on your own.

 

In the meantime, please consider some kind of volunteering activity even for a few hours a week. Part of weaning yourself off this haunting memory (which, let's face it, has become a habitual pattern of thinking for you at this point) is to turn the inward focus on your personal anguish outward into the world. Where, my friend, there happens to be a great deal going on.

 

Even if you make just one small change this week, it could lead to some big changes that turn your life around for the positive. You want to be in a better place than this, I know you do. Your friends at eNotalone wish this for you, too.

[LotusFlower]

we all need closure and if you don't have that then go get it... its your right to atleast try to feel closure.

 

However, if you get the husbands response or no response, dont' be upset, know that it truly is not meant to be...no fairy tale there for you.

 

If you get a response...take it calmly and slowly and don't jump the gun with all your years of love's frustration.

 

I sometimes wish my exes would contact me to let me know how they are.

[Tex1907]

Well, it is obvious that you still miss this woman. I think you should find out where she is and tell her how you feel. Chances are you broke up for a particular reason and she won't feel the same way you do. Just be prepared for that.

 

Also you should consider the fact that she would contact you if she had similar feelings. Youll need to ask her to really find out for sure. Don't expect things to work out as planned though. They never do. Hope this helps.

[Sway1607307344]

Sharing an experience.

 

I had an ex boyfriend contact me after 10 years apart. He'd searched for me on the internet. found me and then emailed me.

 

Previous to this ten years apart, we'd had an off-on relationship that had spanned eight years. I called things off with him, because I wanted more than he was prepared to give, ie; marriage. I knew that he was never going to give me, his full committment, which is what I so desperately wanted. It wasn't easy to break things off with him, because I was totally and utterly in love with this guy, we were 'first loves', but I saw no future for us. He didn't want to end things between us. I felt I had little choice but to move on, but it broke my heart to do so.

 

He pursued me for ages afterwards, but I stuck to my guns and I didn't take him back. It was a case of he didn't know what he'd lost, until it was gone, or so it seemed.

 

And so we both went our separate ways. He met someone else, I moved away and met someone else.

 

I never forgot this guy, who was the 'love of my life' and he never ever forgot me either......hence why he contacted me 10 years later

 

I was absolutely delighted to hear from him!!

 

We are still in touch

[Angel Irulan]

No, don't do it. If she wanted to know where you were, she would have called you. I think it's easier to just let go and move on. If it hurts don't look back.

[Sway1607307344]

No, don't do it. If she wanted to know where you were, she would have called you.

 

Not necessarily!

 

I'd often thought about my ex over the years, wondered how he was, what he was doing, etc, etc, yet I didn't get in touch with him, even though I'd often thought about it! Reason being, is because we'd had a bad breakup and I'd also thought that he wouldn't have wanted me to get in touch with him, I'd be the last person he'd wanted to hear from. Which is pretty much what this guy is saying. He's afraid that she will not want to hear from him!! If I'd have thought for one moment that I'd have been welcomed with open arms, I'd have contacted him and made the first move long ago!! As it happened, my ex got in touch with me and I was OVERJOYED and THRILLED to hear from him.

 

I say he should go for it, else he will spend the rest of his life wondering, what could've been. At least if he calls her, he's going to know where he stands either way. And if he did get a bad reaction from his ex, he can then move on with his life.

 

I'd also like to say, that people don't need counselling, because they may carry a torch for an old flame. There's always that ONE ex that sticks in our minds, who is high on a pedestal above all other ex's. First loves seem harder to forget than any subsequent ones and I'm talking 'first love' not 'first crush'.......big difference!

[passions_just_like_mine]

Thanks everybody. You see this is where my conflicts lie. Some people say, dont do it, she will think you are a stalker etc and others say that they have often thought about the ex. As Sway says, she was ecstatic when her ex rang. Maybe my ex will be, maybe she wont. I will never know I guess.

 

This is too complicated and life shouldnt be this way.

[Sway1607307344]

Thanks everybody. You see this is where my conflicts lie. Some people say, dont do it....

 

People can only advise you on what they personally would do and you always hear differing opinions because people are different. At the end of the day, it's down to you to decide *yourself* what to do/what is best for you. *You* are the one living your life, nobody else here is living it for you. *You* are the one who has got to live with your final decision/the consequences.

 

she will think you are a stalker etc ....

 

I doubt very much that she'd think you were a stalker. I don't view my ex as being a stalker, simply because he still cared enough about me to come searching for me after all of this time. He came looking for me, quite simply, because he had really *LOVED* me and *CARED* about me all those years ago and because he had obviously never forgotten me over the years. I was more flattered than anything I sure as heck didn't view him as a stalker and I doubt your ex would view you as a stalker either, if she has any sense!! She'd know why you'd shown up, because she'd meant a lot to you.

 

As Sway says, she was ecstatic when her ex rang. Maybe my ex will be, maybe she wont. I will never know I guess.

 

You will never know unless you take the plunge and get in touch. It's better to know, than to never know at all. And what's better? Knowing, or never knowing?? Can you live the rest of your life, never knowing??

 

Worse case scenario.......

 

You may decide not get in touch. You could go on to marry some other woman, have kids, etc......and you are happy, but not 100% - there's something missing? You are still hung up on this ex, this ex that you still carry this burning torch for, the ex who you never got in touch with all those years back, but you still wonder about. You still have niggling doubts in the back of your mind, about what could've been, if only? You feel guilty in regard to your wife, because emotionally you are not with her 100%......you still wonder about the ex.

 

Honestly, I reckon that you have to contact this ex, so that you can MOVE ON.......else you may never move on and despite going on to marry someone else/having kids, etc. You could potentially be harming/putting at risk, a future relationship/marriage, with a woman you havn't even met yet, because you may never be able to let go of the past, let go of this woman..........unless you take this opportunity NOW, to put it to rest, if the case has to be.

 

This happens all of the time where we have people go looking for old flames who they have never forgotten and despite these people being married now. These people have never given 100% to their marriage/partner and cannot, because they have been unable to move on from their ex's and maybe for the same reasons as you, they didn't dare get back in touch with their ex!!

 

These people may have never married their current partners. They could've gone on to marry their ex, if only......

 

Now I'm not saying that you are going to be one of these people who never moves on, but there's every possibility that you could be one of those who doesn't, given what you have said in this thread.

 

I guess that my ex must have been in exact same posistion you are now, with all of these conflicting feelings, ie: to get in touch with me/or not. He too, likely thought that he'd be wasting his time, especially given the way things ended between us and events that happened when we last saw each other. But hey, some people have a forgiving nature and they don't hold grudges. Time tends to heal all.

 

Just don't have any high expectations if you do get in touch and you'll be ok!

 

I wish you all the best. Let us know how things go and if you need a listening ear, you are welcome to PM me