Ex Girlfriend of Three Years - To Contact or Not

[passions_just_like_mine]

I think I can probably anticipate the responses to this question before I begin but I would really appreciate some advice.

 

My GF left me three years ago this month. I was devestated, more than I have ever been affected by the end of a relationship before or since.

 

I did all the classic begging, pleading, letter writing, emails, phone calls etc. All to no avail.

 

After six months I became involved with somebody else and was with ehr for two years but throughout the relationship I still missed the ex.

 

So now, three years later and I am still thinking about her. I was contemplating dropping her a line but it would appear she has moved. Perhaps married, I dont know.

 

I still have her friends address and she still lives there. I was considering dropping her a line and basically saying something along these lines.

 

'I have no idea where 'Elisha' is, she may well be married. I would never want to complicate any relationship she may be in nor would I wish to upset her. But I would appreciate it if you would perhaps one day let her know that I was asking about her and please just tell her I am sorry. I trust you will use your better judgement as to when and where to pass on my words. If indeed there ever is a right time"

 

Obviously I will fill the letter with a little small talk concentrating on the recipient but not too long or deep.

 

Anyhow, thats about it really, like I say she may well be married and have children and / or perfectly happy with somebody else. If so, I sincerely wish her the best. But you never know, she may well be thinking of me? Doubtful but you never know.

 

One of the last things she said to me was

"if we are meant to be together, we will be"

 

Obviously somebody has to initiate that, dont you think?

 

Regards

[Toolate]

I think that you should do your best to get in touch with her. It's so plan to see to you are still in love with her and in order for you to get on with your life you need be be able to bring some kind of closure to your past relationship. I wish you all the best.

[shes2smart]

I was at the other end of a similar situation a year ago Christmas time.

 

After a several months of painful deliberation, I ended a relationship with my ex in June of 01. We didn't want the same things -- I wanted to get married and build a life together, he didn't. Anyway, we split up at my behest, and I moved on.

 

As luck would have it, I met a guy who was a better match for me than my ex could have ever been. We got married in July 02. I got a different job & we moved to a different city. Our life together is good. We're both very happy.

 

Christmas of 04 rolls around, and there, in my work e-mail is a note from my ex. Chatty small talk, asking how I am. It was kinda creepy that he tracked me down at my new job....actually, I thought it was kinda creepy that he contacted me at all. I forwarded the e-mail to my husband and let him answer it, because I didn't want to be bothered. It's my firm belief that the past should stay in the past and, with very few exceptions (only one in my own lifetime), exes are part of the past.

 

Now, I'm not saying your ex will do anything of the sort. What I'm suggesting to you is if you are not prepared to deal with that sort of worst-case scenario response/rejection, you're probably better off not sending anything.

 

If you can send something with no expectations and no hopes there will be more in the offing, then you have nothing to lose. If you have any sort of hopes or expectations that your note will lead to anything, then you'll have only yourself to blame if you wind up getting hurt or disappointed.

[passions_just_like_mine]

Well I think that has made me feel kind of creepy in itself. I guess I imagined the whole thing playing out like a romantic fairytale. I guess I still have delusions of her loving me. You know when we were together I never knew anybody could love somebody as much as she loved me.

 

My breakup was a similar thing, she wanted kids and marriage, I wasnt ready and had heaps of problems at the time. My own fault I guess.

 

I cannot stop dreaming of her and it is convincing me it is a sign to contact her. Pretty pathetic really.

 

I have no expectations if I send the letter but now I am more than a little apprehensive as I dont want her to think I am some kind of freak stalker.

 

Thanks

[NJRon]

If you want to contact her, then I say go for it. You never know. But you might want to think twice before just jumping out with mushy stuff (like you're sorry and all that stuff). Something light lke you juat want to conact her and see how things are going. It's enough to let her know that the door is open if she wants to get ahold of you.

[ocrob]

At this point, I really don't see it hurting. Maybe you could just write that you were thinking of her and wanted to say hi.

[passions_just_like_mine]

Well I was thinking the same until I read shes2smarts post and it made me feel a bit crazy. I wouldn't want to rock the boat if she is in a serious relationship and I certainly wouldnt want her passing my note over to her significant other. How embarrassing.

[ocrob]

Who knows what she is doing in her life. I think enough time has gone by to contact her. If you keep it simple, then there can't be anything embarrassing about it. There is nothing wrong with wanting to know what she is up to and she might feel the same at this point.

[passions_just_like_mine]

Well the thing is I did a directory enquiry search to find her number and it would seem only her brother lives at her old address now. There doesnt seem to be a person with her name registered anywhere on the voters roll. So I put two and two together and come up with her being married? Maybe?

 

It seems like I am going to great lengths to find this girl, which some may seem as bordering on obsessive. I am not, I assure you. That is why I thought of sending a brief note to her friend.

 

I dont know it all seems like two much hassle and like I may be doing the wrong thing but on the other hand I may always wonder what if?

[shes2smart]

One thing you need to take into consideration here is I am not your ex. (Well, at least I don't think I am...you're not from Michigan, are ya? )

 

Anyway, all I can tell you is how I reacted and what I did in a similar situation. Your ex might do something entirely different. I don't know her, you did...you have to try to consider it from HER viewpoint, leaving your own hopes for the situation out of the picture as much as you can. It's one of the basics of communication....know your audience.

 

One person's "creepy stalker" behavior is another's "wildly romantic" behavior.

 

If you feel this is something you need to do for yourself to move on with your own life, the way to do it with the least emotional risk is to keep your expectations low & realistic. Until you can do that, you might want to keep it on the back burner in the interest of not unnecessarily harming yourself.

[Scout]

I wouldn't recommend trying to get in touch with her. What I would suggest is you figure out why you can't let the memory of this woman go after all these years. It's possible you've idealized her in your mind to the point where it doesn't really match the extent of the relationship you two had, or even who she really is.

 

In another words, thinking about her has become a habit. Or even an obsession.

 

Do you think it's possible you've idealized her a bit? And that perhaps this has prevented you from moving on and finding a lasting love with someone who feels the same?

 

Probably not the easiest questions, but worth examining.

[passions_just_like_mine]

I have thought long and hard about things believe me. Thing is she did love me like noody ever did before or has done since.

 

I have been on many dates and even became involved with somebody to the point of discussing marriage and children. However I still could not get this other woman out of my head. (Not the reason for my last relationship ending by the way, she just had too many issues that neither of us could deal with)

 

I have no idea how she will react, I have tried thinking about things fromherperspective I really have and I dont know how she will react. She loves the whole idea of romance or at least she did. Romantic gestures mean a lot to her. But I doubt it would mean a lot if she is happily married to somebody else.

 

After we broke up, I acted childishly andselfishly to the point of really annoying her. The last contact we had was quite mellow. She said she would never hate me as I explained my feelings for her and why I was so persistent. I apologised for being so clingy but I was out of control with communication to be honest and it drove her insane. I regret it so much now, I wish I had just let her go but I couldnt, I was so depressed at the time anyway and this was just the last straw. I couldnt eat,sleep orfunction correctly. My head was somessed up and I kept thinking of new things I needed to say to her that I thought at the time may just bring her back. Obviously nothing worked.

 

Perhaps I am obsessed with her,perhaps I am building her up into something she is not. All I know is that of all the relationships I have had, I cannot forget this one. It is ridiculous I know. She was just so perfect and after the last relationship I am even more convinced that this was the girl for me.

 

I dont know anymore, I wish somebody would bring her back tomeor just take her out ofmy head.

[Scout]

I completely understand how you feel. I definitely have a memory of a lost relationship that I've never been able to quite forget. What's more, the relationship ended because I was immature and acted irresponsibly. As a result, he completely fell out of love with me and dumped me. All this was years ago, but I've never been able to forget him (although I don't think he was perfect, either). It's definitely occurred to me to try and contact him, almost to show him "hey! look how well-adjusted I am now!" LOL.

 

Anyway, I'm wondering if perhaps part of what you feel is just major regret of your actions that contributed to the end of what could have been a good relationship. If so, give yourself a break. We all make mistakes when we're younger, you apologized to her and tried to make amends, and unfortunately, were not able to salvage the relationship. The important thing is to know that you learned things you can apply to a future relationship that has the same kind of promise, and likely make it work. Because my friend, you will have that chance again with someone else. Love appears in our life very unexpectedly, and thinking that you blew the one chance you had at it is very unrealistic.

 

It's likely time you let go of the memory of this past love, though. Don't let your actions haunt you. You realize where you went wrong - be very thankful about that, because some people refuse to face their mistakes and thus squander their chances of lasting love in the future.

[NJRon]

Yeah, only you can take her out of your mind, unfortunately. I still think that if it is eating you up like this, you have nothing to lose by contacting her casually. However, if you are expecting something to come out of it, you're just setting yourself up for a world of hurt.

 

Nothing ventured, nothing gained is a nice saying... but you have to look after yourself sometimes and just move on.

[passions_just_like_mine]

Because my friend, you will have that chance again with someone else. Love appears in our life very unexpectedly, and thinking that you blew the one chance you had at it is very unrealistic.

 

 

Thats my problem I think. I see it as being my only and last chance. I think you only get one shot at True Love.

 

I am confused and hurting three years after a relationship ended. That doesnt seem right to me.

[Scout]

Well, if you don't mind my gently pointing out - no, it probably isn't right that you're still upset after three years. At this juncture, it's rather obsessive. Have you thought about counseling? It could help to let you see things more clearly and figure out how to break the thought patterns about this girl that have become habitual for you now.

 

Also, you definitely get more than one shot at True Love. I bet almost everyone on this Forum can attest to this. I know I can. And you will, too - if you make a concerted effort to move on. I honestly think counseling would be a wise idea. It doesn't mean you're crazy, either! Just that you're a little stuck and professional help to get you back on the right track.

[shes2smart]

Thats my problem I think. I see it as being my only and last chance. I think you only get one shot at True Love.

 

This idea...that there is One True Love...really appears to be causing you far more harm than good. I suspect that's part of the reason you're having such difficulty truly letting go.

 

Perhaps you need to re-frame your thinking to something that would bring more positive benefit to your life.

 

I used to buy into a lot of those romantic beliefs -- One True Love, One Soulmate, "If It's Meant To Be...." and so forth. After seeing yet another relationship crash & burn several years ago, I started taking a long, hard, honest look at what I believed about relationships, what my expectations were and why it seemed I never got what I wanted and why I was never happy.

 

What I discovered was that holding on to those kinds of ideas was doing way more harm than good. They set up unrealistic expectations for yourself and others and the interactions you have with others.

 

In place of those romantic notions, I chose to replace them with ideas like "all relationships have a purpose (or several purposes)...when the purpose(s) is completed, the parties move on" and "every lesson I learn in every relationship prepares me for future relationships"

 

Rather than a one-time shot, I started seeing it as more of an on-going story that doesn't end until I die....and depending on one's beliefs about what happens after death, maybe it doesn't even end then.

 

When I stopped seeking prince-charming-soul-mate-on-a-white-horse-who'd-magically-transform-my-life, I finally had a good chance at finding a real person to build a whole, sane, balanced, healthy and real relationship with.

[passions_just_like_mine]

Thanks for the responses.

 

Yes I have tried counselling,didnt really help. I am currently waiting to see a psychotherapist. And yes you are right,it doesnt mean I am insane, in fact I am far from it. No offence taken by the way.

 

Most people I know move on quite easily after a relationship ends. I have no idea why I cant. Having said that one of my friends said it was about five years before he truly let go of one particular love, so maybe I am not as bad as some?

 

The more I think about it the more I think if anything were meant to be then she would have contacted me right? but then I think, what if she thinks I may tell her where to go after her being so cruel to me. I understand why she was cruel though, it was not intentionally to hurt me, just what she had to do to survive.

 

I dont know, i will have to think about it some more,maybe reconsider after I have seen this therapist, if I ever get an appointment.

 

I am not obsessed by the way, as far as I can see, I am infatuated and in love with the past.

[Bethany]

I wouldn't. I saw an ex of mine who dumped me several years ago, he approached me and I just thought 'How sad, he hasnt moved on'. Nothing in this world would have got me back with him.

 

Everyone wonders how someone has got on in life, what they are up to, have they got married,kids etc, do they still think of you and that's natural but let the thought pass and get on with your life. Try not to live in the past and look to the future.

[Scout]

No, of course you're not insane or nuts or anything like that. You're dealing with an internal struggle, just like most people do at one time or another in their life.

 

You made a very honest statement: you're infatuated with the past. I'm going to hazard a guess that's an indication you're not entirely happy with your present life. Why not take a real effort at looking at what you can do to improve your current state of affairs? Work on some things you'd like to accomplish now, tomorrow, in the future. Believe me, when our current life gets pretty rosy and we accomplish things, the past becomes much less of a fixation.

[passions_just_like_mine]

Thanks Bethany

 

You obviously dont have any feelings for your ex but I do.

 

I am getting on with my life, honestly but I am constantly thinking of her.

[passions_just_like_mine]

Scout

 

Perhaps you are right, I am not entirely happy with my presentlife and to be honest as I always am, I feellike I am not happy because of event from the past. Because I am not with the person I desire so much to be with. She was a beautiful girl both physically and mentally. I would hazard a guess that it is unlikely that she is single, which in turn makes me think there is absolutely no point in sending her anything.

 

I dont want to know how she is doing, I want to remind her that I am still here and still holding on to her. Why I would want to do that is anybodys guess because I lost all self respect when she left me. To contact her now and profess undying love to her would more than likely make me look even more foolish.

 

As honest as I can be, I think I still love her, there is no doubt in my mind, I always have. I imagine I will have to continueloving her but from a distance because there is not reallymuch I can do about it.

 

I am/was a very successful individual, I have got a lot of respect in a lot of different circles. I am still reasonably successful in my career etc, lets say I am comfortably happy with my lot. We would all have more if truth be known but I have neither the inclination nor the desire to really do anything other than read and play dumb video games.

 

I am 37 years old by the way, I feel like life is passing me by but wont do anything about it because I feel too old. Too old to meet anybody special, to old tomeet anybody who will want children (who doesnt already have children) I just feel like I have had my chance and thats that.

 

I feelsorry formyselfon a daily basis, I smoke toomuch and I have no motivation at work.Often times I fall asleep at my desk. I feel ugly and worthless most of the time and dont have much of a social life. My friends (same age) go out every weekend. They nevermeetgirls but to be honest they are not really that bothered. I dont drink and find these bars and clubs tiresome old cattlemarkets. Iam old beyond my time and the ex girlfriend even said this to me at the end of our relationship. She said I would wind up a very lonely man. I think she was right.

 

I need help and encouragment but I know ultimately I am the only one to do it.But right now I see no purpose.

[novaseeker]

37 is not old, objectively.

 

Three years is a long time to mourn the passing of a relationship. I would strongly recommend therapy of some sort to help you sort through some of the things that may be holding you back from letting go of her and moving forward with your life. You're too young to be writing off your life because of something bad that happened 3 years ago.

[stolenshadow]

You are the only one who knows what's going to happen if you see she didn't hold on to you like you did to her, that's the big problem, we can be hopeful and think that if you see she has a new relationship or doesn't love you anymore it would help you close the chapter, but you should ask yourself if that would be the case.

You possibly saw that this forum has many posts of people dreaming of the ex returning, or afraid to contact them, I'm one of them, but I don't know what your ex is like so possibly only you have an accurate idea of what can happen when she hears from you.

You can debate for another three years or do it, if you are ready to take it all, good or bad, I say staying idle is a worse option.

[NJRon]

oh wow my friend. You really sound depressed. I can relate to all of the feelings you have in one way or another. I suggest you tackle the issues in your own life with gusto. I felt the same way and went to a psychiatrist who prescribed anti-depressants and it helped me immensely.

 

I since stopped using them due to the sexual side-effects, but I have set up another meeting to discuss getting back on something that, hopefully, won't have the side effects. Because, after going back to my normal self, which is the only way I knew for the other 35 years of my life, I can *really* see the difference between how I felt when I was on anti-depressants and how I feel now. It's something I had never realized because I had just grown used to feeling the way I did.

 

The lack of motivation and the perpetual feeling of 'what's the use' is just not my cup of tea. Frankly, it's nearly a toss-up between being happy and forgoing the sex for the rest of my life and I am leaning towards the being happy thing right now

 

Best wishes