Why do the people you believe in the most always say the meanest things!??

[ravenfox]

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I am now in my 20s and successful - at the cash register, at my professional location, among friends and among friends parents i am "the ideal child". i am tired of people oohing and ahhing at me because i always feel like snapping - and i have when the persons a completel stranger that i have no chance of seeing again " tell that to my dad". Its not that I dont like complements it is just after 20 years of hearing otherwise I irrationally feel that people are lying to me.

 

Its impossible to have a normal relationship and not be jealous of other people around your SO when you think you must be obese. By the american standard I am fit but to my parents to this day I am a monsterocity. Ofcourse, I will not listen to everyone in my life when I have been raised on their words - EVEN though i consciously realize that they are wrong.

 

Additionally back to my academic/professional tract - my parents and my sibbling by example have called me stupid and retarded - i will go to jeail (i tried on my dads shoes, lforgot my bannana peal on the kitchen counter - stupid things 10 years old do) - granted my sibbling is actually 5 years younger than me - has called me a "elephant" (he has watched my parents tell me I am too fat for cake even if its my birthday party as i cut my own cake) and stupid and told me they will do better than me. But they want to come to a professional congradulatory dinner this spring. Parents of the honorees are flying in from all over the US - some from even abroad - it is a huge deal so it is out of the question to keep them from coming. yet i dont want them to come - these things make me cry - i feel so fake standing there for hours trying to smile for the people who have called me useless and worthless for 20 years - people who have threatened to send me away to my grandparents who live in a no name town - where "my grandmother would abuse me".I can remember this threat beginning when I was 7 and it is probabbly my biggest fear while i was under their roof.

 

i know the day will make me cry and i dread every night because that day is coming closer. how do i try to forget these things and look happy and proud ?

[sweetheart230]

I'm sorry your parents were so mean to you growing up. it sounds awful. i'm not completely sure what to tell you, other than to understand that obviously your parents have a lot of problems and were insensitive. how they feel about you is not a measure of your success...how you feel about you is a measure of your successes and it sounds like you should be proud of yourself.

 

Although you may never be able to forget about your past, you can rise above it and move on from it. I was emotionally abused by my ex. Obviously it isn't nearly as bad as what you've suffered, but I was able to move on from it by realizing- and telling myself over and over again- that I was amazing no matter how he treated me, and everything he said was a reflection of himself, not me.

 

Also, counselling, if it is available to you, may also help.

[sonjam]

Girl, your parents had no right to say those things to you as a child. What were they thinking, nobody in their right mind can tell things like that and expect them not to keep scars.

 

You are an ambitious girl, who will do very well in life, despite this (congratulations on your graduation!!)

But you have a lot of pent up ANGER towards them. Dealing with this anger is very difficult when you try and do it alone. I suggest you read books on anger management, or go for a few sessions with a coucelor, or even go for an anger management class. The only reason I suggest you do this, is because anger can become an all consuming force and even with your doing so well, it will never go away by itself, you need to address it, deal with it and then let it go.

[Ash]

Be happy because you know it's the right way to be. Even if your parents can't / won't be happy for you or with you. It's really hard not to let the negatives slip in, but you can try hard and look past that if you have to.

 

Be proud of what you have accomplished. Again, even if your parents are, some people will be. If your parents can't understand this, there's not a whole lot you can do for them, so concentrate more on what you can do, and what you can accomplish for yourself.

 

The function you are dreading attending (has it occurred yet by the way?), you're dreading it because of your parents, not because you're not proud, or not because you don't deserve it. You do deserve it, that's why it's being held. To honour you and others like you.

 

If I can suggest something about the dinner, you claim your parents have to go. Do they absolutely, for sure have to go? Perhaps there is somebody else in your close family, perhaps an aunt or uncle who is proud of what you've done. If not that, then a friend of the family, a personal friend of yours. If your parents are as you describe them then they in all liklihood don't want to attend either. So, give them an out. Set up an alternate person to go with first on the premise your parents may not be avaiable, then present the situation to your parents in such as way as they don't have to go if they don't want as there is somebody else who is willing to be there instead. Not all parents attend graduations or special events etc, so it's not generally an absolute requirement they be invited to attend.

[prettydance]

I dont think we ever forget the verbal and emotional abuse our familes did to us. But we can stop them from continuing, thats all I can say.

 

My family told me I was chubby when i weighed 120 lbs, im 5'5 and also told me im ugly when i used to be a model and was accepted by top modeling agenices.

 

I call it brainwashing- i still think im fat and ugly all the time. Its awful

[Ash]

Prettydance, you are correct. That's very difficult to forget.

 

What they said can't be taken back even though you know intuitively it's not true. We always seek our parent's acceptance when we're young.

 

As has been said, it never hurts to talk to a counsellor, or anybody else you trust and respect for that matter, to help you reinforce the good things, and try to diminish the effects of the bad.

 

So, Prettydance, Ravenfox, add my name to what I'm sure is a long list of people who say: you're not stupid, you're not ugly, you're not fat. You are a good person and you have lots to be proud of.