Should I feel guilty

[sureshot]

Hey, I have an issue I would love advice on.

 

I am 27 and am currently in a wonderful loving relationship with a girl I care deeply for and love with all of my heart. We have lived together for a year and everything is mostly perfect.

 

I met my current girlfriend in April last year and had split with my ex-girlfriend 2 months earlier. I went out with my ex for 9 years on and off and she was my childhood sweetheart. She broke up with me just when I thought everything was going well.

 

Once my ex found out I had a new girlfriend she began texting or calling me almost every week, none of which I answered. I would show the messages to my girlfriend and she would say 'wow, she really isn't over you'.

 

Then one night a long time afterward, when I was drunk I called her up and told her I would only see her if we had sex thinking this will make her get over me quickly. To my horror, she agreed at the time but we didn't meet.The texting and calls stopped.

 

Last weekend, I got drunk and for some crazy reason I called her and suggested we have sex. Again she agreed and I went to her house and jumped into bed with her for an hour. Again, we didn't do anything thank god but she has begun texting me again this week. I have no idea what made me go to her house, i really can't explain it and i know that i am not in love with her anymore but would still care about her. It was a long time.

 

Obviously, I didn't mention any of this to my current girlfriend and have been feeling guilty about it all week because I am normally so open with her. I do love her. I have had my phone on silent all week and I don't think my current girlfriend knows anything is up with me.

 

Any advice at all please. My heads pretty messy. I know that silence on the current text messages will eventually curtail her texting and calling me because it did before.

 

Should I feel guilty? Should I tell my girlfriend? Should I continue with my phone on silent? Should I contact her and tell her to stop(afraid this won't work with this girl)?

What can I do.

[yeawutever]

Don't tell ur g/f, it'll do no good. Thanx goodness u didn't have sex, if u had then u must tell her. But since u didn't, keep that to urself and don't ever contact ur ex again.

[sureshot]

We didn't do anthing thank god. I won't contact her but I cannot stop her from contacting me and feel she may be out to cause disruption because I have blanked her for so long. Thx for the advice by the way.

[lady00]

The fact that you dropped the ball twice (once is a mistake, but twice is starting to become a pattern) is a sign to you that you need to stop getting drunk to the point where you do something like call up your ex and suggest you have sex with her. One, you're messing with your ex's mind and that is cruel (think about her feelings too). And Two, you should never be so drunk that you do things you wouldn't ordinarily do. Now, I understand when people get drunk they might say or do silly or embarrassing things or might be overly talkative and friendly but calling up the ex and suggesting sex? That is going overboard and it suggests that you need to be much more careful about how much you're drinking and know your limits. As for telling your gf, I don't know. Knowing that you were in your ex's bed for an hour would probably lead her to break up with you because it would be impossible for her to know if you were really telling the whole truth. That is why if I were in your shoes I would probably keep silent on the issue and tell your ex to stop calling you. If you are 100% sure that the only thing that made you call your ex was that you drank too much then what you need to do is be more careful about how much you drink and tell your ex that you don't want any more contact (and respect that on your end too).

[chai714]

You feel guilty because anyone in your situation would.

 

Do not act as if you have no control over what you do. We all have control over our own lives and are responsible for the choices we make. There are no ifs, ands, or buts.

 

You jumping in bed with your ex makes her think she likes you and thereforeeee gives her hope. Put yourself in your exes shoes - how would YOU feel if you wanted a woman who had a boyfriend and she happened to jump in bed with you. Wouldn't you think she likes you?

[Itsok]

She wasn't disrupting your relationship anymore, so why did you contact her? Being drunk can't be a continual excuse.

 

I think the guilt will eat at you enough that eventually you will tell your current girlfriend. If you don't, this may get back to her anyway and by that time the story will be twisted enough that she will hear that the two of you did have sex. Then it will be over for you and she won't hear you out.

 

I suggest thinking this through before just brushing it off and promising yourself you won't do it again. If your girlfriend finds out from anyone but you, the relationship is finished regardless, so keeping it secret may not be the best idea ](*,)

 

If you tell her the truth, maybe she will hear you out. Of course your relationship will need some fixing but there's obviously something that needs repair if you contacting your ex, drunk or not. You know your girlfriend well enough to predict her reaction, so take that into consideration.

 

You've thrown your ex a rope, of course she's going to grab it and keep contacting you. Tell her you were drunk and by the way, she should have realized that and ignored your advances. She knows you have a girlfriend and should be honorable enough to tell you politely to get lost. Tell her that you will not be contacting her again and that she should do the same, then keep it that way.

 

Sorry I don't have more constructive advice

[Vanilla]

Not to offend you, I am glad you are remorseful and have come for advice...but its about being honest here...

 

dont use being drunk as an excuse for what you did because thats just wrong.

 

what you did was really lousy on your part and yes, thank GOD you didnt sleep with her.

 

If your ex keeps calling you just pick up ONCE and say

 

"I made a stupid mistake, I love my current girlfriend and you and I are over, please dont call me ever again"

 

I know 9 years is a long time...but if that long of a time means that much to you then dont have a girlfriend. What you almost pulled was really selfish on your part. Make up for it and get your ex out of the picture forever, or let your current gal be free instead of possibly hurting her later on. It's not that hard if you really love your girl.

[kellbell]

"It's not that hard if you really love your girl."

 

Vanilla is so right on by saying this. It's so true. If your truly love your current girlfriend and you are blissfully happy...you would have no reservations telling your ex to scram. And stop texting her and landing in her bed...even though nothing happened...it's still wrong.

[sureshot]

Thanks all, i didn't mention that my ex has a boyfriend for the last year or so.

I think the truth would be a great idea here, but I am not willing to hurt my current girlfriend with this 'news'. If my ex contacts me again I will say what vanilla has suggested. Whether she will accept this or not is a different matter as i have explained this before. Of course me showing up puts a doubt about that in her mind i suppose. I had no contact from her last night. I think that somewhere in the back of my mind I wanted revenge for the whole ex thing even though when i am sober(i don't drink that often really and when i do i dont think i have a character flaw(at least ive never been told that)) i never really think about her. Anyway, If she comes into my mind I am going to blank it and think of why i love my current girlfriend. Also, I will try to know my limits when i do drink so as this never happens again.

Thankyou all so much for the advice etc.

[Vanilla]

no problem. I am glad you feel this way. It shows a lot of maturity on your part, especially after what inicially happened.

 

i know sometimes our ex's can have caused us agreat deal of pain, but that is even more of a reason to look forward to the great new relationship you are in and let go of the past.

 

Im happy for you!!! Hope all goes well. Good luck!

[sureshot]

i just sent that message.

'I made a stupid mistake and i love my girlfriend and her daughter very much and you and i are over, please don't contact me ever again and i will respect that on my part too.'

 

fingers crossed.

[Vanilla]

take myhat off to you sir. if it comes to her still contacting you and bothering you, change your number if you have to. you have done a very worthy thing, and it takes a real man to do something like that. good for you.

 

aww your girlfriend has a daughter? you got two for the price of one! congratulations! (my sis is a single mom too with a little girl and i know how precious it can be)

[sureshot]

doesn't stop the guilty feeling of the first and hopefully the only time i ever have to keep something from her. The message has not been received yet so I probably won't know the outcome till tomorrow. I may just accidentally on purpose lose my phone tonight.

[Vanilla]

the further away you can get from your ex, and the least contact you can ever have with her ever again the better.

 

now just focus on your girlfriend and her daughter and make up for what you did, even if they dont know. enjoy your time with her and appreciate how blessed you are two have to wonderful lives be part of yours now.

[sureshot]

I am getting away this weekend to go see my friend because I'm not too good at hiding my feelings and i want to relax without this constant pressure of being 'caught'. As I mentioned, the text message has not being received and i have not been charged for it so my ex hasn't yet got it. I so hate being in this position which is another reason I won't be making this kind of mistake again. I do appreciate what I have, moreso now.

 

So if she calls (and eventually she will) should I still answer and say what we discussed above or do I ignore and just get on with it?

[Vanilla]

ahh...the power of guilt....

 

 

i think it is good to get away, respectfully. Dont go away with your friend ans get drunk or something!!

 

anyhow, she will eventually receive the message and then she'll probably call.

At this point you ignore her forever, because then and only then she will get the point that you want nothing else with her.

 

You sent her that message already and in there you said you wanted nothing else with her ever again. Done, it is done. If you pick up the phone, you still want contact. That is up to you. If it becomes too much with her calling- change your number! It's not a difficult process.

 

Now I don't know if this girl is crazy or not, just be careful she's not the type to run to your current girlfriend and tell her herself out of vengeance.

 

Just be smart and sensible.

[Huntsman]

= this is very interesting case study.

 

I went out with my ex for 9 years on and off and she was my childhood sweetheart. She broke up with me just when I thought everything was going well.

 

= examine WHY she left. i think sequence is NOT ENOUGH ATTRACTION = NO SEXUAL SATISFACTION = NO PASSION FOR HER = SHE LOSES INTEREST

 

Once my ex found out I had a new girlfriend she began texting or calling me almost every week,

 

= yes. this is called SOCIAL PROOF. now other women want you she is instinctually feeling her ATTRACTION LEVELS increase. and so follow my sequence from here

 

I would only see her if we had sex thinking this will make her get over me quickly. To my horror, she agreed

 

= of course! FOLLOW THE SEQUENCE (she is in stage 2)

 

Last weekend, I got drunk and for some crazy reason I called her and suggested we have sex.

 

= not crazy. you follow your instinct as a man to ENSURE GREATEST POSSIBLE CHANCE OF SURVIVAL FOR YOUR PROGENY by practising sexual VARIANCE! nature knows nothing of contraception, only the ruthless selfishness of your GENES

 

have been feeling guilty about it all week because I am normally so open with her. I do love her.

 

= that's good. and natural. you are HOMO SAPIEN. both THINKING and ANIMAL. our great dichotomy!

 

Should I feel guilty?

 

= yes

 

Should I tell my girlfriend?

 

= NEVER

 

Should I continue with my phone on silent?

 

= NO. be honest to your ex, cut her off dead.

 

What can I do.

 

= be faithful to your current girl. you are not fit for multiple sex partners.

[Huntsman]

Addition:

 

= time destroys all things, including GUILT

= your guilt WILL pass

 

also:

= WHY original GF left?

= did you supplicate to her?

= were you a constant challenge?

need more info to help you for man/woman relations.

[sureshot]

thanks again vanilla and huntsman i think ;-o

I'm gunna start being the passionate guy I was again on sunday when i return. I will make it up. Hopefully the guilt will pass quickly.

I don't know if she will ever get the txt message now because i deleted it from my outbox while the sending was still in progress 6 hours after i initially sent it.

 

Huntsman, none of these questions are important, I aint with her and am not in love with her anymore.

[Vanilla]

anytime sureshot. you seem to be reasonable and understanding, as long as you stick with that you should be fine.

 

i am sure she got the text message. after 6 hours, there should be no reason even if you deleted it. GOOD LUCK!

[GEMMACHURCH]

yes you should feel guilty.

im sorry but i have had enough female friends who have been really screwed up by this kind of behaviour.

you are hurting two girls for the sake of a lay. if you keep sleeping with he she will NOT get ove ryou, you are making it worse giving her hope. and not to mention cheating on your new gf.

im sorry to seen harsh but if i found my boyfriend was doing this i would fall apart

[sureshot]

Gemma, I now exactly how it feels to be cheated on, more than once and even with a former close friend. I have gone through alot of the insecurities you have. Now that I have a brilliant girlfriend, I don't want to feel like that again and certainly do not want to my girlfriend to be cheated on by anyone, least of all me.

 

Please read the original posts again.

I havn't cheated.