Forgiveness, Regret - Changes in Behavior?

[jd5007]

Here's the quick and dirty. Had a great girlfriend, one year...light of my life though a tough relationship as she is divorced with two young children and I have never been married, no kids. Both early 40s, same age.

 

We had problems in April -- broke up "sort of" -- and I went out with another woman; dated her, kissed her, slept together (sort of) one very forgettable night.

 

Then my girlfriend and I worked things out and were back together. Things with the other woman ended right then. My girlfriend did not know about it, though, and a month passed before she found out, from me just before she was going to be told by others.

 

She dumped me like a bad habit. I'm crushed -- know who is to blame but that only makes the hurt worse as it adds shame, embarrassment, guilt and believe it or not CONFUSION -- WHY did I risk a great thing for this utterly forgettable episode?

 

So the questions: Anyone (male) here ever done this before, and did you get back together or not? What happened? Any females want to weigh in with their thoughts? She considers it "cheating" and I guess it may be seen as that because some of it was being set up -- have to admit -- while my girlfriend and I were in heavy discussions but not quite apart. ANY way my girlfriend can trust me again? And about me -- am I destined to repeat this kind of thing? Do you believe a person can do something so wrong, suffer so much from it that he can learn to NEVER, EVER do it again? I hope and pray that is so. Any thoughts appreciated.

[kdreger]

Wasn't this an episode of Friends?

 

Chandler sleeps with someone while him and Rachel are "on a break". She is incredibly hurt and breaks up with him for good.

 

The joy of that show was that for months we get to hear Rachel refer to it as something Chandler did wrong and Chandler constantly yells: "IT WAS A BREAK!!!"

 

Kidding aside. Don't beat yourself up about it. If you don't make peace with your "mistake" you will live a huge weight. It takes two for a relationship to last and to end. It was on tenuous footing and the sleeping with someone else merely forced it in a direction it was heading anyways. It's actually better in some ways that it's over as you're going to have to give your ex time and space. Without the mistake you would have to struggle for ages and it might have failed anyways. As for learning from it, that's up to you. If you want to know if you're ex would believe you saying it won't happen again - only time will tell.

[jd5007]

Yep that's right, just like the Friends episode, but with a touch of the movie "Fatal Attraction" too, as the other woman I was with got REALLY pissed at me when my girlfriend and I got back together, and a month later threw a huge scene in a bar, including shattered beer glasses, some pretty choice profanity yelled out (by her) and both of us getting thrown out. That's the night I knew she would explode and tell my girlfriend at some point soon.

 

Anyway thanks for your thoughts. The other weird thing about the situation, though, is that the ON A BREAK action happened at the end of April, then in May my girlfriend and I had our BEST MONTH EVER. Weird; she didn't know anything about the other woman, but for five weeks all her pushing me away ("I need my single time"; "our lifestyles (kids vs. no kids) don't match", etc. etc.) stopped, it just stopped. So we have the absolute best month of our relationship, I clam up out of fear of blowing that and just hope that the "fling" from April will go away (it never would have though, can see that now). That only makes it worse when she finds out -- knowing I had said nothing about it for five weeks.

 

So I screwed this up in so many ways it's pretty hard to count 'em all. And now I miss her like crazy, can't see past the pain and the thought of anyone else is just, well, not appealing. Don't know if any women read this board -- may post this on the main board too -- but if so, I guess I'm interested in hearing whether there is any hope from a female perspective. I'm CONVINCED I can make sure it won't happen again (prayer, counseling, some other strategies to change things here) but again, me knowing that and her or anyone else believing that may be two different things.

 

Again thanks for your comments, will read them again and take to heart.

 

Guess if I can offer one other word from EXPERIENCE. Anyone who is smart enough to read this board BEFORE they do anything stupid and hook up with another woman when they are not quite sure what the status is with the current one -- JUST DON'T DO IT. NO REASON you cannot wait at least a few months to make sure the first relationship is really over. IF I'd have just done that, things would have been so very different indeed, WHETHER OR NOT my girlfriend and I got back together. Point is jumping from one to another is JUST NOT GOOD and JUST NOT WORTH IT. PERIOD.

 

Thanks for the opp to say that....