Did I do the right thing?

[dwbh]

My boyfriend and I dated for 8 years. Three years ago he broke up with me because he saw the relationship wasn't going to go anywhere and did not want to be unfair to me. I later learned he called up a mutual friend to try and date her. When I found out, I went crazy and dated other people in retaliation. I ended up sleeping with 2 guys in the process. We later got back together and we patched things up. A few months ago I brought up the subject of marriage. I felt like 8 years was too long to not commit. He gave me all types of excuses, one of which was the fact that he could not get over what I did. Before Christmas we mutually agreed that we could not work things out and to let the relationship go, but vowed to remain friends. It was very hard for me even though we still spent time together. In reality, nothing had changed except our title, we were still intimate, talking every day,etc I finally came to the conclusion that this interaction might bite me in the back and give me some kind of false hope. Yesterday we decided to have dinner and on the way home I told him that we should just have a clean break. This morning, I feel so horrible....I don't know if I made the right decision. It seems we were so happy and maybe I should have waited longer to see if he would commit. When he dropped me off he was so cold to me- and I'm so afraid that he's mad at me. I didn't intend for this to end on thewrong terms- but it did. Did I do the right thing? I'm so confused and I miss him already.

[DN]

I think you did the right thing. If the relationship is not going where you want it to then what else could you do? His reason for not marrying you does not make sense - if he couldn't get over it why was he with you at all?

 

Maybe this will make him see that he wants you but don't count on it. Maintain no contact unless he wants to make a commitment, assume the r relationship is over and take whatever time you need to heal properly before looking for someone who will commit to you.

 

This will be very hard for you but I think you did the right thing.

[Relationship Coach]

dwbh,

Welcome to ENA!

 

Sometimes the hardest decision is the right decision. I can't tell you what is right or wrong as far as what you've done but I certainly agree with it. Eight years is an excessive courtship without a commitment of marriage. Many marriages hit bumps at what is referred to as the "seven year itch". So developing these problems around that mark is common.

 

You have to give him credit for being honest with you but at the same time after 8 years your investment of time committed to the relationship makes it all seem like a waste.

 

He crossed the line when he broke up with you and went out with your mutual friends. Your choice of retaliation seeking instant gratification although not smart, gave him another excuse to dodge the "M" word. Do you think he abstained from having sex after he broke up with you? He has a pattern of making excuses, if he said the relationship was over because he saw no future with you, it's none of his business what or who you were doing.

 

If you are feeling bad right now, it should be because this guy played you for 8 years and then cared about what you did while he wasn't with you. I have a feeling you would of been a member of AARP before he would ever marry you. You miss him because he was a large part of your life, that's normal. 8 years is a long sentence with a partner who has commitment phobia! You lasted 5 years past the norm. Most (68%)women 21 years or older who are in a committed relationship expect at the very least to be engaged after three years.

 

Go NC, cut him off 100% and take some time to decompress and heal. What you desire is out there waiting for you.

[dwbh]

Relationship Coach,

 

You are probably right. What hurts so much is that I know he loved me. He had to, I know the story doesn't paint him in a very good light...but he has been a big support system for almost 1/3 of my life (i'm 26). The memories and the promises don't make it any easier. Sometimes I wish I could erase them, and other times I realize that he has enriched my life. I wish I could sleep, wake up and just get over the relationship...but it doesn't happen like that. This morning was the 1st morning after break up and I wanted nothing more than to call him and hear his voice.

 

I will take your advise of NC, but is it wrong to have any kind of hope that he will come back?

[AlwaysNeedHelp]

hi dwbh,

 

I think you did the right thing.. You cant just stay beside him waiting like this.. From what you said he seems that he loves you.. If you are sure that he truly loves you, then you can still have hope..

 

Still you need to do NC.. Let him see things more clear and decide what he wants to do.. Just take care.. Hope doesnt mean you keep thinking about him all the time and waiting for him.. Because this could hurt you so much.. Have hope yes, but this hope in your heart.. Deep inside, dont let it show.. Put this hope in the corner of your mind.. Not in the centre..

[Relationship Coach]

Hope is something you hold on to until you find yourself holding someone else.

 

You miss only what it was not what it is. Yes, he probably did love you and in some ways still does but that does not change the fact that he sees no future with you. He cost you 8 years, I know many of them were good but...in four years you will be 30. Do you want to be 30 and waiting or having the time of your life with someone who can't be without you?

[AlwaysNeedHelp]

Hope is something you hold on to until you find yourself holding someone else.

 

Exactly !! or get the something you hoped for..

[Paranoid Android]

It's all about compromise. He's obviously not willing to consider marriage, so it's up to you to do something about it. Either stick it out for another 8 years, be with this guy until hopefully he has an epiphany and decides to change his mind or you could break free and find a man that's willing to commit. The latter is not as easy as it sounds, but it is ultimately the best decision. Don't you want to get married, have kids, grow old together? Have someone call you their wife? If this guy is depriving you of something you desire, why stick around?

[dwbh]

Thank you for everyone who responded to my post. I felt like I was going to drown in my own tears this morning....agonizing whether I let the love of my life go. Its hard to accept that if it wasn't meant to be- then it wasn't meant to be. I feel better already for reading your posts. Thank you, thank you!

[Danny H]

dwbh, have a good look around this site, it is incredible how everything one of us is going through, has been gone through before

 

 

Dan

[dwbh]

Hi all,

Quick update, its my 5th day of NC!! Well, to be honest...I kind of cheated....i saw him on msn (on Day 3 of NC) and we chatted for 2 minutes. I was first to iniatiate....I guess i just wanted to see if he would respond, the conversation was like this:

 

Me: Hey

He: Hey

Me: I called in sick today?

He: Why?

Me: Cold and cough

He: Maybe you're not sleeping enough. Eat warm food. Wash your hands before you eat.

Me: I think somethings going around the office. My immune system is weak. Me: How are you?

He: Good. My immune system is very strong. (I didn't want to over analyze this statement, but it was comical to me)

Me: Good

 

then I signed off shortly after. I felt A LOT better. I didn't feel like I took steps back....but it did make me want to call him even more. With the help of my girlfriend I've managed to avoid any contact. I'm convinced I might either push him away or just cause myself more heart ache.

 

But anyway, I feel better today. I cry now and then and some songs will bring up memories. If any of you guys know this song by Jim Cozier "she's all I got".....it reminds me so much of us. God, I miss him!!!! But I went to Barnes and Noble today and picked up some books for some healing. The book "You've broke up because its broke" (I think that's the name of the book) is pretty good if you keep having the tendency to get in contact with your ex. It promotes NC heavily. In my situation....I'm really looking to reconcile....I can't help but have faith that we can get back together. If in the process, I realize he was wrong for me then I'll reconsider. But meanwhile, there's nothing wrong with reflecting on the relationship and myself, see what went wrong, and see if the relationship can be rekindled after the healing. This is the path I'm going to take. I'm still doing NC for now....for how long? not sure....

 

For everyone else who is going through heartache and emotional turmoil...you'll get through it. I know you will, you are strong..just take control of your life and you will get through it.....whether you get back with your ex or not, the most important thing is to examine yourself, heal yourself and then move forward with your life. Its not something I wanted to hear or consider...but I'v accepted it. This stage of NC is not a magic potion that will bring him/her back but self examination and healing. By maintaining no contact you might come to the realization that it was not what you wanted in the first place. But if both of you are able to heal and have realized you can sort things out....then I believe there's hope....don't you agree?

[karen95]

i think that there is hope in a lot of cases. but i dont think that hope should be confused with belief.

i think it would be bad to enter NC and believe at the end of it that there will def be a reconcilation.

i think it is good to enter NC with the belief that it is to heal yourself, and somewhere down the line there MAY be a chance for a reconcilation, but for now it is best to carry on like it is over for good and to do your best to heal and carry on with life.

[karen95]

And i am glad that the contact with him made you feel better, but i think you should try and stick to NC from now on. when me and my ex broke up last summer, i found it really hard to stick to NC, but somehow i managed and i am so glad now that i did. it helped me heal a great deal and become a much stronger person.

[dwbh]

Hi all,

When I first posted on this site i was so devastated. This is Day 11 of my (attempted) NC and it really is an eye opener. I feel like I've really come a long way especially when I thought I had lost a very special person. Though he is still and will always be special I have learned to accept the reality of life without him.

 

For those of you who have just started this NC- keep with it. This time is a period of growth and introspection.

 

Summary of what's happened since the break up. On Day 5 of NC, my ex calls me it was very odd because I was dying for him to call me, but as soon as we started to talk I was already losing interest (strange, huh). We spoke casually...just general chit chat about work and I was half listening because I knew he was also playing his online game (which bugs the hell out of me)...so after 3 minutes I said, "gotta study, talk to you later". I guess that threw him off because I suppose he was expecting a long drawn out conversation since we hadn't talked in days. Two minutes later he calls back, "cutie....are you seeing somebody". OMG- he was actually jealous...worried, whateva....I said 'no....why are you being like this" and he backed up right away saying.."I hope I don't sound like I'm buggin out...I also wanted to call you and tell you, you can call me whenever you need." I responded saying, "yea likewise". The weridest thing after that conversation.....my feelings totally took 180 degree turn. I didn't even want him anymore...in my mind i'm saying " * * * * you" "Leave me alone".

 

Anyway, so Day 9 of no contact....he logs on to MSN he was home because of the MLK holiday so I didn't expect him to come on (I was at work). Generally chit chat again....out of the blue he types, "I love cutie".....I'm thinking..."no you don't jerk...or else we wouldn't be in this predicament." I never really experienced the saying of "roller coaster of emotions"....but Day 9 of NC....I was going through it. At first I was angry....angry that he had the nerve to say he loves me but yet all he could offer me was to be just friends....then, I felt acceptance. I just had to accept the situation for what it was and realize that God had bigger plans and then finally forgiveness. Even though neither I or my ex is to blame....I don't hate him and I totally have come to terms with our predicament.

 

I still feel sad though....I'm trying to be strong, but I'm slowly starting to grasp the reality of life without him and its not so bad after all. When they say things happen for a reason...it really is true. it amazes me how I wanted him back so bad the first day after break up.....now I can't say if I would even take him back. I love him so much, but you can't go against the tides....

 

For those of you out there in PAIN and just going through it, please realize that you will be fine. Hold your head high and know that if things didn't work out with your ex....there is a reason and God has bigger and better plans.

 

By the way, what do you guys think of my ex's attempt to contact me??