For Those Who Grieve

[raineysong]

My dad died from an embolism at age 58 in 1990. I was still grieving for him 4 years later when I lost my 16 year old son after a horrible head-on collision. Four years after that, my now ex-husband suffered a massive cerebral anuerysm, was in a coma 12 days with all the docs telling me he would not survive. He was only 39 at the time. I changed his diapers, went through weeks of rehab with him, and eventually ended up divorcing him due to a bad gambling habit. His brain was affected and his personality changed. Two years later, my 45 year old brother was killed in a freak accident. Between all that, I attended 8 teenage funerals, often assisting the parents with music and comfort. There came a time that I began to think I was under some sort of curse! I've read a ton of books, started compassionate friends groups, work to this day with parents who have lost children, and have a career in hospice. If there is one thing I have learned, it's that we must allow ourselves to work through the entire grief process, and helping others in similar situations is very healing. There is great book I recently read and passed on to others who are freshly grieving. I highly recommend it. It's called "Hello from Heaven." It's about people who've lost loved ones, and how their loved ones communicated with them after they were gone. (No, it's not out in left field.) I recently gave it to a grieving mother who was in terrible emotional shape. Her entire family was afraid she was going off the deep end and they all felt helpless as she slipped deeper into despair. After she read the book, her whole outlook changed, and she began to be more like her old self again, getting out, smiling, fixing herself up. If any of you have read it, I'd appreciate your personal comments on it. If you haven't, and you are still grieving, get a copy for yourself!

[darkblue]

I'm sorry to hear about all of your losses. That is very unfortunate.

 

You must be a very strong-willed person to carry on, and even help others in grief.

[AlwaysNeedHelp]

Most of the time pain comes to teach us alot of things..I feel alot better to see strong people like you..

[Jonboy582]

Wow that is bad, you have had more than your fair share of grief for 10 life times. Makes me feel kind of bad and immature for getting worked up with things that happened to me when you had them soo much worse.

 

Also I was wondering with your wealth of knowlage it would be great if you became a regular poster here as you have ALOT to offer this forum, and the readers/posters that come with it. Hope to see you around.

[raineysong]

I appreciate your responses. It's always good to feel that you might be helpful to someone else. I may not have all the answers, but there is nothing that a grieving person could say to me that would shock me or cause me to do anything less than offer my support, encouragement and my ear. If any of you ever need to rant, share your thoughts or fears---whatever, please feel free to PM me at any time! We're all on a journey from here to there in this life. It's what we do inbetween that time that will matter most.

[coollady1957]

rainysong, I am sorry for all the loss you have suffered in life. I am amazed at your strength to over come so much. I have lost grandparents and other family members.The hardest for me was losing my husband in December of 2003 , of nearly 28 years to cardiac arrest at the age of 48. We were married when I was 18 and he 20. He was my high school sweetheart. We had two great wonderful children together. I miss him so much. It took me a while to get through the grieving process. I feel as though I have picked up my life pretty well now and moved on with life. However once in a while I will still have a horrrible day, that just comes on me out of the blue it seems for no reason. I will cry, reminisce, and remember the good times and great memories of our lives together. Then I am fine for quite a long time, until one of " those days" hits me again. The missing him is not something I dwell on daily. However rough days come and go. I take it all in stride and after the tears I can only help but smile in the end of all the great memories and the life we shared. So I guess I not asking anything, not sure if I would call it a rant. I suppose its just a venting or just putting my thoughts in to words.

I am including a link to something that I use to ease my occasional pain of missing him. link removed

 

My children suffered much heartache after their fathers death. My son ended up going through some counseling about a month afterwards, and remained in counseling for three months to help him understand all the feelings he was going through. My son had only turned 17 a few months before his fathers death.

My daughter dealt with it in her own way, and seems to be doing well. However she still has her rough days as well. She was a "daddys little girl" always. She was 22 at the time her father died.

I guess all three of us have our moments where we feel cheated out of having him still in our lives. My son was so looking forward to his father seeing the wonderful young man that he has become. My son wanted his father to see him graduate high school, and then complete his military training, which he did and with top honors in his Battalion. He works full time and attends college. He feels sometimes as though he is missing out on being able to show his father the responsibility that he has taken for himself and with great future plans.

My daughter feels cheated out of being able to show her father , the future grandchildren , he would have had one day. She and her husband plan children next year.

And I guess I feel cheated at times out of having my loving husband to grow old with and to enjoy the latter years of life with now that the children are grown and making lives of their own.

HOwever we have all accepted that LIFE GOES ON. Now a bit over two years since my husband died, I feel we have made lots of progress, but yet now and then fall in to a bad day on occasion.

I am sorry, I feel as though I have repeated myself alot in this post. Its as I said , mostly just my thoughts coming out today.

 

Thanks

[katefl24]

I can relate to the feelings of being cheated and cursed in some way. When my older borther died at age 20 when I was 17, it was very difficult for my mom, dad, and younger brother. But I was able to rationalize that it was a freak accident that unfortunately struck our family. When my younger brother died in August 2003, we felt cursed. People said it was like winning the "unlucky lottery" to lose both sons/brothers at such young ages, in such unexpected ways.

 

I have read "Hello from Heaven" and liked it a lot. I saw that I wasn't crazy, a lot of the same "signs" I had such as their scent filling the room at certain times, lights coming on/off for no reason at all, the car alarm going off 15 times in a day for a few weeks following their deaths... were all mentioned in the book. I do think that unless you've experienced this you would think we were all nuts, but I am a complete believer. People don't truly understand unless they have been through a traumatic loss like we have. Another book my mother loved and has given to other parents who've lost children was "A Broken Heart Still Beats", have you read that one? She said it expressed how she felt totally, and took a different approach from other books on grief: that you will never "get over" it and that shouldn't be your goal, but instead it's about learning to live with the pain.

 

I still have days where I miss them so much, and know that the big events they will miss in my life - getting married, having kids, etc - will be especially tough for me. Like you, I feel stronger and wiser due to everything I've experiences. I also think it has made me try to be a better person, and to appreciate life more. I try and take the few positives that I can out of it.