When do i get my things

[curlyl1]

My b/f finished with me over 2 weeks ago - to my complete shock. I lived with him for 3 years. I took alot of my clothes, as much as i could manage but there is still loads there. There is also furniture, joint accounts etc. I met him last fri and got very upset, before that we were in telephone contact every few days (me contacting him) and its was friendly. On fri, he said that we should not contact each other for a week and that he would call me on fri.(tomorrow).

 

Is he calls do i answer?

If he doesnt call - do i do anything?

What about my stuff? (none of it is urgent)?

 

I would like to have him back, so i am trying to play a bit of a game, ie doing the right thing in the hope he will come back.

 

Please help me

[Dannysgirl]

Hi Curly,

 

If you don't mind my asking why did he end it? Is it something you think you can both work on and he might be willing to work on or is he resolute in his decision? If its the latter I would suggest that you call him and arrange to get your stuff out of there ASAP, there is no point in dragging things out you also need to arrange a time to meet at the bank to sort out your finances.

If you truly think there IS hope of a reconcilliation I would not make contact until Friday (leave it to him) and see what he has to say then. If he doesn't call you on friday I would call him on Saturday and ask him where you stand.

[curlyl1]

I really dont know why he ended it. He said he loves me and that i am his best friend but that he isnt "in love" with me. Nothing had changed between us, our relationship was a loving as it always had. We were making arrangements to by a flat as an investment together on the tuesday (put an offer in) and he finished it on the sat. He was looking for flights to take us both to oz to see his brother. None of it makes sense to me.

He says its over, but he wants to be friends, but because it doesnt make sense to me i think there may be a chance - i may be kidding myself on.

He is usually a honest man, so when he says that there is nobody else involved i do believe him. I know somebody at his work fancied him but he says he isnt interested (he is a male nurse).

I am so confused. I want him back - its pathetic

[Dannysgirl]

Hey Curly,

 

I feel for you, this is a horrible situation to be in. I know you want this guy back and you might end up getting him back but at what price? Do you really want to be with somebody who isn't 'in love' with you? It must have taken a lot of courage for him to tell you that and he must have thought about it long and hard before he told you so clearly he's pretty sure about his feelings...

 

Do you think that maybe he is confused and doesn't know what he wants and if you give him space he will come back? What makes you think there is still a chance, is he giving mixed signals?

[curlyl1]

he isnt giving mixed signals. I havent been in contact for a week. I suppose i do think he is a bit confused and that he just needs time, but i have no reason for thinking this, other than the fact that it doesnt make sense! I believe that he believes just now that he has done the right thing, but because it doesnt make sense to me i think he is wrong and that he will realise this. Am i kidding myself - the longer it goes on the more i think i am.

 

Do i try and acceot being friends with him?

[Dannysgirl]

Hi,

 

I just read your original post again and you said it has been two weeks since you split, with that in mind it doesn't look good as far as reconcilliation goes in my opinion. If he's still wanting to ahead with the break up at this point it looks pretty permanent to me.

 

If you hang around waiting to see what will happen then chances are you might get strung along by him and that would hurt you even more than a clean break. I would show him that you have accepted his decision and call him to discuss the practicalities of the split (finances, your stuff etc) and not even ask him whether its 'really' over. If you show that you are waiting for him to change his mind and are going to be hanging around for him for the foreseeable future then why does he need to be in a committed relationship with you?

 

Show that you are accepting the break up and make arrangements to get your stuff out of there - this will force him to make a cast iron decision and if he doesn't choose you then you were better off out of it anyway at least then you can begin the healing process and get on with your life.

[curlyl1]

i know you are right, but i dont want to contact him too soon incase i get upset in front of him. Do i wait and see if he contacts me tomorrow, or should i just do it all now?

[novaseeker]

I think being friends with him in your current state of mind (ie, wanting him back) is impossible. It isn't friends, really, not for you ... it's a way to stay kind of close to him in the hopes of winning him back, and to be honest that could lead to a lot of pain for you.

 

Sometimes you do have to act is if a breakup is real, even if you are confused by it and he hasn't given you reason to believe he has thought it through. I wouldn't go on much longer with joint accounts and having your stuff at the old place and things like that ... I think at some point in the near future you should move ahead with straightening those things out and get a little distance from him. If he really hasn't thought it through, he'll come back.

[curlyl1]

ok. I will call him tomorrow and arrange to collect my things. Thanks

[Dannysgirl]

he isnt giving mixed signals. I havent been in contact for a week. I suppose i do think he is a bit confused and that he just needs time, but i have no reason for thinking this, other than the fact that it doesnt make sense! I believe that he believes just now that he has done the right thing, but because it doesnt make sense to me i think he is wrong and that he will realise this. Am i kidding myself - the longer it goes on the more i think i am.

 

Do i try and acceot being friends with him?

 

If he believes he has done the right thing then there is probably no changing his mind at this point. I know it doesn't make sense to you because everything seemed fine but you can never know what is going on inside of somebody else's head (there could have been many things that were NOT right in the relationship as far as he was concerned and you were oblivious to) and you never know maybe there really wasn't much of a problem generally but he just fell out of love with you? It happens and its not your fault so don't blame yourself. You didn't do anything wrong people's personalities and needs are constantly changing sometimes the person who was right for you a year ago is no longer the one you want to be with.

 

I hate to say it but you probably are kidding yourself but thats only natural as this is a big shock but now you have to come to the realization that this has ended and do everything in your power to make things easier for yourself. Not accepting this and hanging around waiting for this guy to change his mind is draining you physically and emotionally. Get your stuff out of there asap and start taking care of yourself - see your friends, and above all be kind to yourself.

As for being friends with him i think that is a bad idea at this point because you need to heal from this break up and you can't do that if you are still seeing him regularly as it will give you false hope of a reconcilliation. When you next see him to get your stuff tell him that you want to be friends with him in the future (if that IS what you want?) but right now you can't do it because you need space to get over the break up.

Give yourself at least a few months of NC before you get back in contact with him.

 

I hope you're okay, feel free to PM if you want to chat.

[Dannysgirl]

i know you are right, but i dont want to contact him too soon incase i get upset in front of him. Do i wait and see if he contacts me tomorrow, or should i just do it all now?

 

I would advise you to do it as soon as you can because getting this straightened out sooner rather than later is going to be better for you emotionally at least. The longer it drags on the harder it will be.

[TiredMan]

I wouldn't play a "game" as you put it. Just be honest. I would take the call, just to get your stuff back as you said. But if you really want him but he doesn't have feelings anymore (they went away). there really isn't much you can do unless it's from him.

[kellbell]

Hi Curly!

 

So sorry about your break-up. (((hugs)))

 

If things are too painful for you to take care of (i.e. your accounts, bills, lease and such) maybe have a friend or a mediator meet with your ex to take care of all that stuff.

 

I know you want him back but it will the best thing for you to get your stuff and bills sorted out and try to get your life together. I know it's hard and it hurts...but it does not sound like he wants to get back together. I hope you feel better real soon and take good care of yourself. Many hugs.

[curlyl1]

Thank you for your message. I know it is over. I accept that i think. I would like to stay friends. Dont think i will call him. Cant face it

[octopus]

Curly,

 

IN this book I read called "It's called a break up because it is BROKEN" it says to do strict NC for 2 weeks even if you have your stuff there. I think this is to avoid falling apart when you see him/go there to get your things. 2 months is a LONG time and at least it would help you do things gracefully...

 

Good luck..