Its over. (long)

[Jjasonn28]

Hello all.

 

Its been a while since Ive posted here. A few months ago, the ex and I had a talk. We weren't happy. We both agreed that something was wrong, and that we needed to re-evaluate the situation. We took a small step back and really started to talk. We were together for almost 4 years, and the last year and a half lived long distance while she attended school. I put my life on hold for her. Ive been living in a small apartment, taking care of our dog, while she worked hard in school, all the while POSITIVE that when she was done, we would continue to build a future together.

 

I suppose during this time, she started to think differently. She changed her part time jobs 3 times, and couldn't quite figure what she wanted out of school. She began to attend church more frequently, because she felt lost. And while I sat and waited, we grew distant. We talked to eachother every day, and saw eachother nearly once a week. But we stopped 'talking'.

 

So since our revelation that something was wrong, things began to change. For the better, in a sense that we were beginning to connect the way we used to. We made more efforts to be with eachother, and we were completely open and honest, even if it meant hurting the other. She went accross the country at Christmas to visit with family, and said that when she got back, we would get together for a new years and christmas celebration of our own. The holidays were hard, being without her, but having her to look forward to got me through it.

 

So on January 2nd, we meet for Breakfast. What a wonderful breakfast. We took our dog for a long walk in the park, laughed and talked, and it seemed so right. But things were about to change forever. It wasn't pre planned, on either of our part, but the question was asked, 'what do you want?' I told her that I want a direction. She agreed, and turned to me and said 'I think we have to face that we just arent right for eachother.'

She has tried to reconnect, but isn't feeling the same for me like she used to, the way I still feel about her.

 

Needless to say the rest of the afternoon, was spent in eachothers arms, in tears. It hurts me so much to lose my best friend, my love. And it hurts her too. I mentioned calling her in a couple months so that she may visit with our dog, and she looked at me like I was crazy. She thinks that we should support eachother now, through this 'journey'. And infact, she called me 4 times yesterday in tears. Once at 1:00 in the morning, after a bad dream. I will admit, I think talking to her is helping me to not cry 24/7, as we sort through our emotions together. But others think that Ive been alone, here with our dog for the last year and a half, and that I need to just walk away.

 

I cant imagine just walking away. Its not the romance, or physical attraction/needs that are hard to accept losing. Its losing her friendship. In 4 years, weve never argued, or even raised our voices at eachother. We always laughed, and got along so well. Even when I was hurt, and missed her, and wasn't truthful with her about it, when we talked, it all went away..

 

I still love her. And will always have a place in my heart for her. She really is the sweetest girl, with a heart of gold. An angel on earth so to speak.

 

I am just so lost right now. I cant eat, sleep, or even work. Ive been sick a number of times, which is VERY odd. I just want to curl up, fall asleep, and never wake again.

 

Thanks for listening.

[NJRon]

I can identify. My girlfriend and I were just going different directions. We hit each other at the right time in our lives, needed what each other offered. However, as time went by, it was time for us to grow in very different ways and we needed something different.

 

She moved entirely out of state so she can be independent. I am doing the right things for myself, alone right now. It's a strange happy/sad thing, to know you are doing the right thing for both of us, but that the hopes, dreams and feelings are gone or changed.

 

I, too, love my ex and there will always be a spot in my heart for her. However, I'm not making any plans or promises as far as we are concerned and am moving along in my own direction. We are talking now and then, sometimes we 'reconnect' a bit. As time goes on, maybe I will be able to be a true friend and not flinch at the thought of her with someone else. We'll see. For now, things are just moving along slowly.

 

Best of luck.

[Danny H]

Jjasonn,

 

man doesn't it just kill you when you ask the question you have to and get the answer you didn't see.

 

You have to do yourself a favour and take that break, myself I am in a similar situation except with four kids I can't get that break.

 

What happens is you become like a pretend partner, you're there for all the stuff they need you for, but you get nothing back, nothing concrete anyway.

 

And I don't mean to sound mean, but when you are in emotional pain is it really fair for you to be the one to be there while she extracts herself cleanly away.

 

You need to heal yourself, and if you hang out with her you will grasp at any scraps thrown your way and give them way too much significance, while she will just be placating her own guilt and hurt.

 

It would be great if two people could do this together, but you are in such different places I don't think 90% of us are strong enough.

 

She wanted to move on, so let her, while you go solo and look after yourself.

 

Staying in touch is a sure way of saying the wrong things

 

 

Best

 

Dan

[hosswhispra]

Jjasonn28,

 

Do you think your girlfriend possibly wanted you to propose marriage to her??? I am just wondering because you have been together for 4 years. I don't know if I understand the circumstances of what went on during your walk; or how your relationship has been for the past year-- but when your girlfriend said, "What do you want?" And you said, "I want a direction,"--- maybe she was hoping you would say, "I want a future with you and I want you to be my wife..."

 

This assumption on my part may be a stretch---but women (knowing how they are, as I am one) will sometimes ask an indirect question...I mean, is it possible? Have the two of you discussed marriage in the past?

 

hosswhispra

[Jjasonn28]

Hello.

 

Yes, we have discussed marriage in the past. I am, or was ready to marry her. I do love her, and do want to spend the rest of my life with her as my wife.

 

She on the other hand, has had some issues. Before me, she had been in some pretty bad relationships. And also was brought up in not such a great family setting.

 

She has walls built up, and she realizes it. Since her increased involvement in the church, she has delt with some of the things. A progress in which I am very proud of her. But at the same time, I think because our relationship together was a stepping stone for her to understand these issues, and realize that she wants to put it all behind her, I am in some way tied to that past. This is why it hurts me so much. I am a true believer in Love. I believe that we both made big steps individually in dealing with past pains. And I truly believe that spurring forward into the future together, could ONLY make us stronger.

 

But, she doesn't feel the same. She cherishes our friendship, and all the memories, but wants to start with a clean slate. It is very hard on her too, this breakup, but she feels its necessary. I dont agree, but I am doing my best to try to accept it, and find an understanding in it. A reason.

 

Yes, she does know that I would go to the ends of the world for her. She knows that I would give all that I am to be her life partner. I guess, its just not meant to happen..

[hosswhispra]

Jjasonn28,

 

This is a difficult one...I don't know if I am just a hopeful at heart or what---but before my parents got married, my mom broke up (actually broke off her engagement) to my father for 9 months....she dated someone else in the interim but she thought of my father often. My father chased her all the way to Ireland and they of course wound up getting married.

 

I am not saying that you should keep your life on hold but---if you two are truly meant to be together then it will happen. The fact that she called you four times (and was crying) makes me think that she is not really certain in her decision in breaking up with you. Sometimes we don't miss the water until the well runs dry....

 

hosswhispra

[Jjasonn28]

Hoss,

 

Thank you very much for your encouraging words. Ive held on to hope, I guess now for the past year or so, and even more so in the past couple months. I am trying to tell myself that if its real, then it will work out. Maybe the timing is wrong, maybe this is a step that we both have to go through, like you said.. to understand the importance of the the well running dry.

 

I will not put my life on hold. Its been on hold for a long time now. I know its time for me to let go of hope. I cant continue to hope that she will show up at my door, and leap into my arms. I need to move on, for myself.

 

The good thing about this love, is that it will never die. Like I said, there will always be a place in my heart for her. And who knows, down the road, once ive put the pain of losing her behind me, and clearly see the road ahead of me again, perhaps we will cross paths again. Im not hoping for it, but putting it that way makes it a little easier to take those first couple of steps towards continuing my life.

 

She has always been confused by love. And I truly mean it when I say that I only want for her to be happy. If she can find the same love that I feel for her, then thats what she deserves. Even if its not with me.

[Dako]

Jjasonn28,

 

Your breakup was hard to read, it resembled mine so much.

I'm sure that day will be burned into your memory forever.

 

It'll be hard for you to stay friends but I'd recommend trying to salvage that part.

You both have to be gentle with each other and not demand too much until you both feel stronger.

 

She sounds a like a wonderful person and worth the effort.

Be kind to yourself.

[Jjasonn28]

Dako.

 

Without a doubt, she is a wonderful person. Her and I are very similar, in that we both have huge hearts, and sincerely care for eachother. I agree that a frindship with her eventually would be worth the effort. Of course, I dont know if or when that could happen. I do know that I cant pretend to be her friend, and I would be pretending if I suggested we take that as our next step. In order for a friendship, I would have to move completely past her, and her past me.

 

If nothing, in time, it would be great to be her friend. Just as it is an honor to love her. I just dont know if what I feel will subside enough to consider her as only a friend...

 

But if its possible, then yes its worth everything.

[cpugrl]

I hope everything works out well for you in the end. I'm sure it will. It takes alot for both of you to decide that and stick with it and realize that you weren't right for eachother. I also think it's amazing how you can be so strong and just go with it. Good luck