how do I know?

[aloneagain75]

Let me start with a lil info about myself... I was married at 18 to my 2nd boyfriend -- married for about 10 years -- had what i thought was a great marriage -- until he went out with the guys one night and never came home -- only to find out about 1 month later that he had moved in with my so called best friend. that was about a year ago - they are married now and expecting their first baby. (we never had children)...

well shortly after he left me (avout 2 months I met this great guy -- and we are now living together, but there are things that im not completely happy with with him, but i feel like i really love him.

 

I don't know if I am being overly critical of him because is is not my ex, or if im really not happy. Part of me says i don't want to be with him, but he is great at times and IM afraid that if i end this I won't find anyone else. Cuz in my mind I already lost my one chance at true love. Im 30 years old now and want to have time to meet someone settle down get married and have children. I can't imagine my life without kids and IM running out of time. I guess i need help trying to sort out my feelings....

[AlwaysNeedHelp]

hi alone,

 

If you are not sure of your feelings.. then i suggest that you take your time knowing him better... Just try to interact with him more and you will see that the image is more clear..

 

Now you need to forget about your ex.. For sure it has some effects on your judgements and decisions.. SO what do you like about him ? and what are the things you dont like ? maybe we can make it more clear for you..

[RayKay]

One, you are not running out of time. I know you feel it as you are 30, but trust me you aren't! The 30's can be some of the best times to have kids, as you are at an age where you can be much more relaxed and secure about many of the things kids throw at you. Relax...I know how you feel, I am 26 but going back to school for 4 years, so kids will be a long way off, and I always planned to have them earlier then 30, but I am realizing it's not so bad to change the timeline a bit. It will benefit them to have a mother that has been able to pursue her dreams and know that she is indeed ready! There are never guarantees, so just relax on that part.

 

I think part of what you are feeling is normal, the end of your marriage is still VERY recent, you met this guy VERY soon after and moved fast. I think there may be some concerns or feelings on your part of uncertainity about if he is the right guy for you, because you have never even really had time to learn about yourself outside a relationship. You essentially grew up with your ex. Once he was gone, you replaced that empty place in your heart, but perhaps you never really grieved or healed from the pain of it.

 

Honey, you did not lose your chance at true love the first time around. The fact that he cheated and left like that is evident it was not "true love". Don't blame yourself for that. I think that maybe being on your own is a good idea. You probably do love your boyfriend, but I am not so sure you love yourself. The most important relationship in your life is the one with YOURSELF. Do not stay with someone out of fear of being alone, it's not a good reason for either of you. I am sure he is a great guy, but if you stay with him, I think that you are also going to continue wondering, and feeling this way, and hurt you both in the end.

 

Only when you love yourself, can true love enter your life. You still need to heal and find yourself. You will not be alone forever, and that is not a good reason to stay with someone you are not sure about. Find yourself, and love will find you when the time is right.

 

I think you need to talk to your current boyfriend about these feelings, and perhaps seek counselling before you make any decisions, but ultimately, I think your doubts are normal given what happened with your ex, and the fact you moved very quickly into this current relationship. I think you really need to develop that relationship with yourself, whether you stay with this guy or not.

[ShySoul]

Hi!

 

It was only a couple months after the first guy leaving that you met the second. How long have you been together with the second guy? If it hasn't been long, then perhaps what you need is time. You put a lot into you relationship with the first guy. Ten years of your life. You were married young and thought you had found true love. That has to be hard on you. It's understandable and natural that you would be afraid, the scars haven't healed yet from him leaving.

 

You can't really be sure right now if this guy is right for you or if another guy will come along soon and give you what you want. What you need to do is honestly look at how you feel. Do you love the person you are with? Are these problems things that are real and serious? Or are they things you are making up out of fear of commitment? You should be with someone you really think you can spend your life with. And that choice should be made from your heart, someone whom you really love and want to be with forever. It shouldn't come from fear of being hurt. It shouldn't come desire to have a children. It should be out of love.

 

Take your time, you still have years of being able to have a child left. My mother had me when she was in here late 30's. You want to make sure you are ok from the other relationship ending, and make sure the relationship you are in is really what you want.

[Relationship Coach]

Welcome Alone,

 

First of all I'm glad you found you're way to us and you're getting some great responses so far.

 

You need to realize that 30 is nowhere near getting too old. I understand you want kids but it's more important to have them with the right person at 35 than the wrong person at 31. The fact that your ex has jumped back in to the swing of things and is now expecting has caused your countdown clock to speed up unnecessarily. When the time is right things will happen. We often make mistakes in life when we are in a hurry. Don't make a lifelong mistake because you feel like you have to start a family now!

 

As far as your present relationship, you need to be the baseline of your happiness. Someone to share your happiness with is a wonderful thing but you need to be happy going in to the relationship. To me it sounds like you rebounded with this guy and have settled in with him as opposed to being alone. You need to be honest with yourself as to how you feel about him and then be honest with him. It almost sounds as if he is just a lay-over on your way to somewhere else. Don't hurt him in your search for happiness.

 

Let true love find you, believe it or not it's less work.

[aloneagain75]

thank you so much for all of your great advie. I have been with my current boyfriend for a little over a year now. My ex left me on Sept 1st, 03 ... met my boyfriend end of Oct '03 and he moved in with me in Jan '04. I needed to get a roommate to help with bills and he was over all the time anyhow so it seemed like the right answer.

 

I really think I do love him. I find myself thinking about him in the day and get a smile on my face. He makes me happy, i love the feel of his touch. But he isn't very romantic, he's a great person but being left for another woman I need to hear that he thinks I am attractive, need to hear that he loves me, I need reassurance from him.. . I've talked to him about this and he says he understands but nothing changes. He's a very quiet guy -- doesn't show emotions very easily. I know I am being selfish and looking out for myself only right now. But I feel I need too -- i am scared of being hurt.

 

It's stupid little things that are bothering me - the biggest is that he's lived the bachelor life for a long time. Where i am VERY responsible and have always been practical -- had my life planned out and it isn't going like I planned - - I feel so out of control.... But he pays his bills when things get turned off, where i've never made a late payment in my life. it isn't really affecting me cuz he pays me rent and has never missed a payment. But i worry about a future if we get married. We've talked about it and he's agreed that Id handle the finances if we got married. But then he hasn't changed things.... it's stupid * * * * i know -- i think i am afraid to get too close because i don't want to get hurt... i don't know.....

[ShySoul]

Its not stupid. Those kinds of concerns are very practical and are issues that can cause problems later on. You are super reliable, him not so much. That conflict is bound to irritate you. And anyone needs to feel loved, especially someone who was hurt like you. He should make more of an effort to reassure you. I'm quiet myself, have a hard time opening myself at times. So I know its difficult for him. But if he wants to stay with you and build a life together, he has to be willing to open up more. These aren't unreasonable things.

 

If you need these things, really try to work with him to get him to see that. If you don't feel like you are getting it and you've tried to make it work, its possible you two just aren't meant to be. I'm not saying that's the case or that should it turn out like that, that you don't love each other. It's just that sometimes things don't work out like we want. But no matter what you will find someone who is right. Don't lose hope of that.

[AlwaysNeedHelp]

yeah if you find him missing something you want, try to make it happen.. He seems like a guy you love and respect.. So try to make the best of your relation.. and dont let your past relations affect you..

[RayKay]

I agree with ShySoul, he is spot on (how about that Shy, maybe we should celebrate this momentous occasion?!?!?!)

[ShySoul]

I agree with ShySoul, he is spot on (how about that Shy, maybe we should celebrate this momentous occasion?!?!?!)

 

We've agreed lots of times in the past, just gets overshadowed by the times we disagreed. Also been plenty of other times we've been pretty close, but disagreed on a few small points.

 

But I'm up for a celebration! What do you feel like doing?

[RayKay]

We've agreed lots of times in the past, just gets overshadowed by the times we disagreed. Also been plenty of other times we've been pretty close, but disagreed on a few small points.

 

But I'm up for a celebration! What do you feel like doing?

 

True . I just sorta agreed but disagreed with you already....on another post..lol.

 

 

Umm....hum...I am eating some Chocolate Fudge ice cream I can share????

[ShySoul]

Umm....hum...I am eating some Chocolate Fudge ice cream I can share????

 

Ok! Yum, tastes good, doesn't it? \\ (Sigh... I'm such a goofball.)

[yelloemail]

what struck me about your post is that you moved in with someone rather quickly after being married for ten years. it sounds to me like you really never spent anytime single so you can get to know yourself. getting married at 18 is very young. you have a lot of time to have children still. play it safe and meet the right person to get married to and have children with. it is much nicer to be single than to be with someone you aren't supposed to be with - believe me!

[yelloemail]

shy soul.. i have read many of your posts and let me say you are very very wise for you age. are you going to work in the human services such as a social worker or a counselor? you diffinately have a great gift that god has given you. i wish you well!