Saw the Ex..

[NoMoreWill]

Last night the ex and I got together for drinks because she needed to return something to me. I could have just said send it to me but.. I wanted to see her. How stupid of me.

 

As we talked she told me that she and her husband (she had cheated on him with me, then left him for me and then went back) have reconciled and she'll be moving back in with him within the next month. It kind of stunned me because she wasn't sure if she even wanted to get back with him. But, they had a sitdown and seemed to have made some "progress".

 

The conversation steered towards the subject of us and she acknowledged that she still loved me very much and that she missed me and that she still thinks of me often. But she needed to focus on her marriage and to try and make it work. Yet, as the conversation progressed, she revealed more and more that led me to believe that her feelings are still very strong for me. (The thought of me still gave her the "warm and fuzzies" and that the sex was "the best she'll ever have")

 

I gave her my blessing and told her that I hope she finds happiness in her relationship with him. She's been through so much and is still kind of confused about everything and needs very much to make this work for her sanity. To me, I believe it will fail as he still doesn't trust her (as he asks her often if she talks to me still) and hasn't changed at all to try and compromise at being the man she wants him to be. Plus, I think it will fail because her feelings for me are strong and I don't think they'll abate any time soon.

 

I still love her very much and, inside, honestly believe she should be with me instead of him. But, they are married and that nullifies any right I may have to be with her. I'd like to stick it out and wait to see what happens, as I give it less than a 10% chance of succeeding, despite their (read: HER) efforts, like counselling and such. This is not to say I'll wait for her... but I'd like to keep open a chance if there is one.

 

In the end, her happiness is most important to me. I'm trying to regain my foothold on some sort of happiness but it's a hard road to travel.

 

Is it wrong that a side of me hopes it fails?

[Relationship Coach]

Is it wrong that a side of me hopes it fails?

 

You are only human and it is natural to hope for it to fail, so the two of you can be together.

 

Now, for what you don't want to hear! This relationship was doomed from the very start. With her being married you know that you were both wrong, no matter who pursued who. She's married and that is that. It is important for you to 100% completely remove yourself from the picture. You have to give them the space to see if they can make it. Her husband will have trust issues with her and that is to be expected but many couples have been able to work through it. As for her feelings for you, as genuine as they may seem, you need to dismiss them.

 

Move forward without her, don't wait around. There are plenty of single women in the world, find one and chalk this up as a lesson learned. Go NC and do not offer her any support. She may call to talk to you about her feelings or progress or lack of, stay NC you are too close to the situation to be of any help to her. Besides, if the two of you were to get back together, what makes you feel like she would not cheat on you with someone else, maybe even her ex husband? Karma is a real kick in the head sometimes.

[PocoDiablo]

I agree with Relationship Coach 100%, especially this part:

 

As for her feelings for you, as genuine as they may seem, you need to dismiss them.

If she had strong feelings for you, she's BE with you. She's just feeding you lines to make you feel better.

[NoMoreWill]

Thanks for your input. It is easier said than done, though.

 

What complicates matters is that I used to be a friend of his. I'm sure the trust issue will be even harder to overcome for him.

 

I don't plan to contact her, it's NC from here on out. I told her the last few times she did this (she has bounced back and forth between me and him a few times) that in order to make sure her relationship is dead or not is to go full commitment and do what needs to be done to make it work. If it doesn't work then she can finally let him go because in the end, she'll know for sure whether it was meant to be or not. She's finally doing that. Personally, I believe it's beyond saving. But that's my personal opinion and not hope. And whether I'd take her back after a possible failure is still debatable but who knows (though, if this were a perfect world, I would). Life is a strange thing. But, I'm not waiting, just watching... I've been trying my hand at dating (a whole other can of worms.. what a mess), though I don't think I'm ready for another relationship yet.

 

I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater. I think that axiom does not apply to everyone.

 

Yes.. Karma is already kicking me in the head.. Call me masochistic..

[NoMoreWill]

I agree with Relationship Coach 100%, especially this part:

 

 

If she had strong feelings for you, she's BE with you. She's just feeding you lines to make you feel better.

 

I disagree.

 

Guilt, pressure from family, church and friends, commitment to vows are strong factors to keep someone from doing what they really want to do.

 

And how would "feeding me lines" make me feel better? Telling someone you love them but can't be with them makes it all better?

[PocoDiablo]

Well, sure, all those factors can add up. But really now... if she really loved you, you don't think she would make adjustments or ask you to make adjustments to get back together?

 

Actions speak louder than words, so to speak. She is not doing anything to get back together with you (as far as I know) other than tell you nice things.

 

I can tell you that you're the best looking guy I have ever met and I am going to turn gay to be with you. But if I don't follow through ... what good are the words?

 

Just a point. Of course, I could be wrong, I am just asking if it's possible. Only you can make the decision!

[PocoDiablo]

Sorry, forgot this part:

And how would "feeding me lines" make me feel better? Telling someone you love them but can't be with them makes it all better?

I have seen many people tell the other person how much they love them, care for them, whatever ... while they are cheating or leaving them. In my opinion, this is a very natural reaction to be nice to the other person to let them down nicely. I believe women often want to try to NOT hurt someone's feelings.

 

If I could tell you how many times I've seen a guy say "She's cheating on me but says she loves me, what gives?!?!" I'd fill this page.

[PocoDiablo]

And here is the most recent post:

 

[NoMoreWill]

Sorry, forgot this part:

 

I have seen many people tell the other person how much they love them, care for them, whatever ... while they are cheating or leaving them. In my opinion, this is a very natural reaction to be nice to the other person to let them down nicely. I believe women often want to try to NOT hurt someone's feelings.

 

If I could tell you how many times I've seen a guy say "She's cheating on me but says she loves me, what gives?!?!" I'd fill this page.

 

Then let me turn it around and ask, if she loves her husband like she says she does, why did she cheat on him on the first place?

 

And she did try. We lived together for 9 months. Her husband knew but kept prodding her to come back.

 

Guilt is a horrible thing.

 

Thanks for your views on the matter though.

[PocoDiablo]

Well, if you apply the actions speak louder than words concept to her.... and she says she loves her husband... but cheats on him...

 

I'd say she doesn't really love him, obviously. Sure, maybe it's a narrow-minded approach, but I do know that my fiance loves me and would never do something like that. And because I love her and respect her, I also would never do something like that, because it would hurt her. Cheating is hurtful and disrespectful, and everyone knows that. It's not like it's a mistake you make and didn't realize it was going to upset someone.

 

The reality of the matter, in my opinion, is that she is not loyal or honest. These are huge issues, and I would never get involved with someone like this. It's almost like you wasted nine months, in my opinion.

 

How many other women out there did you miss meeting because of her? How many other women checked you out during those nine months, and maybe even recently, who would have loved to get to know you? What opportunities are you missing by chasing her? Just don't let the world pass you by, that's all.