Should I show her I'm not arrogant anymore, or give her space?

[photomo]

I'm beating myself up over this, as I am not sure what the best thing is that I should be doing. What I do know is that if I never get back with my girlfriend, I want to feel like I have done everything possible, and to not have any regrets.

 

Here's a little summary of our relationship:

 

I've been with my girlfriend for 6 years now. She's Spanish, I'm English. During the first few years, things were great, but things went downhill there after. She decided to move to England to be with me, and stayed with me at my parents house for about 2 years.

 

When she was in England, she used to hate living with my parents because she felt like she could never do what she wanted. She also hated the English way of life compared to that of Spain. She started to lose interest in sex, which made me lose affection for her. Anyway, we never really talked about these problems, and I decided to go live with her and her parents in Spain for a year.

 

When I was in Spain, for some reason I felt quite lonely and depressed...and her parents made us sleep in separate rooms which pushed us further apart, as we lost all the "sweet talk" that we used to say to each other before falling asleep. As a result of feeling lonely, I used to spend every evening on the internet, talking to my mates back at home....and this made me more depressed, and created some sort of vicious cycle. I was extremely arrogant towards my girlfriend, and took her for granted. I never really made an effort to be involved with her life in Spain.

 

Anyway, after Spain, she decides to come back to England with me, although she decides to get her own place, rather than being with my parents. I couldn't afford to get my own place as I was still at university and had no income.

 

By having her own place, she found her independence and realised she did not need me. In March, she told me she wasn't sure if she loved me, and broke it off, completely out of the blue. I was still pretty much arrogant around this time, and never really took it seriously, as I thought we were meant to be. We continued to see each other, despite it hurting me a lot when she never returned any affection towards me. After about 6 months, we kissed and she told me she loved me. Things were great for about a month, until she returned to Spain alone for a week's holiday.

 

On her return to England (which was in September), she immediately broke it off again, and that seriously broke my heart. I had been so excited to see her, thinking we had solved all our issues, and she refused to hug me when I picked her up from the airport......This time, I took it more seriously, and realised that I was losing her for good. We have stopped seeing each other as much as we used to, (like we did during the first break up). She hardly ever calls me, and if she sends me a text message, it is usually quite cold, without any affection.

 

In our time apart from each other, I have greatly realised of all my mistakes, and how I had such a stupid attitude towards her. I now know what I have to do to be a better boyfriend, and now realise how much she means to me. I respect her for being honest, and respect her for doing this, because at the end of the day, I know I am better person for realising of my mistakes.

 

She has called me on a few occasions to meet up. I always ask her why she wants to meet up, as I have made it extremely clear to her that we cannot be friends whilst I still have feelings for her. She tells me she wants to see me to help her work out what she wants to do. However, although we have a great time whenever I see her, I usually feel extremely hurt 2 or 3 days after, especially if she hasn't made any contact with me. In fact, as I have felt so hurt and lonely, I decided to get my own place with a mate, just so I can have some company and to show her that I am moving on.

 

We last saw each other on Christmas Eve, and we had a good time. When she had to go, she hugged me tightly for a while, and said she would miss me over Christmas (as we always spent Christmas together in Spain with her family)......

 

 

....which leads me to my problem:

 

Should I meet up with her when she next asks, or should I just give her some space for a while?

 

Each time I meet up with her, it hurts me a lot, especially afterwards. She says she wants to meet up so she can work out what she wants, and to see whether I am still this arrogant person, or the affectionate boyfriend she used to know when we first met. However, I worry that in meeting up like this, she will just see me as a friend.

 

On the other hand, if I give her some space, I won't get hurt as I cannot do anything to make things worse for me. It will also give her a glimpse of what life is like without me...so maybe she will start to miss me and realise that she is doing something wrong (she may also realise that she is making the right decision). However, in doing this, I worry that she'll never get to see me as the affectionate person that I am now, and she will see me as the arrogant person that caused all these problems.

 

This is such a confusing decision for me.....maybe it's best if I meet up with her once more, and make sure we have a good time, avoiding talking about the problems. Then towards the end of the meeting, perhaps I should tell her how much it hurts me, and that we should probably give each other some space.......I don't know!

 

Ultimately, it is her decision, and I cannot change the way she feels. But what I can do is to show her that I have changed my attitude, and that I will never take her for granted. However, in doing so, it really hurts me.

 

 

 

What would you do in my situation? Maybe you have been through something like this....if so, is there anything you can suggest?

 

I will greatly appreciate any advice anyone can offer me.

 

Many thanks!

[Relationship Coach]

PM,

With the history in which you have provided, I can see how this is a difficult decision for you to make.

 

You both have gone through what I refer to as "cycles of exploration." She lived in your world and then you lived in hers. Both of you did not care for the others world and this in itself caused many of the issues which brought you here today. She lost interest in sex, your affection dwindled as a result. This cause and effect syndrome has pushed your relationship into a corner with no where to go. Is she perfect? You seem to be the only one striving for adapting to her needs and likes. There is nothing wrong with improving who you are but do it for you and it will last, do it for someone else and it may not. Part of what you face here is a common problem. When someone says that they left you because you were not this or that and then "poof" like waving a magic wand, you become what they wanted, you still lose. Either they get angry because you just proved to them you could have been like this all along and chose not too or they will look for every little sign that you are reverting and hold you hostage to that.

 

Be who you are, to me it does not sound like you are a bad guy. There have been some logistic and cultural differences in your relationship which is hard to overcome. What you have to decide is how much of "you" are you willing to sacrifice in order to be "who" she wants you to be?

 

Yes, she has been honest but she is also being selfish by not placing some of the responsibility on her own shoulders. She runs very hot and cold and for the most part I think if you get back with her now you will just be living day to day wondering when she is going to dump you again.

 

I would simply tell her that you are not ready to get involved with her again until she is more certain of her feelings for you. This on again, off again relationship is not healthy for either of you. Let her know how you feel after seeing her. Her reasons for seeing you is all about her, why should you accommodate her when it just hurts you? Give her space, see her one last time as a friend and that is it. Do not show her any affection and let her know you are willing to move forward without her. Her cycle of dumping you when she returns from her visits to Spain waves a red flag.

[PocoDiablo]

She dumped you - more than once - and now wants you to help her...

 

Each time I meet up with her, it hurts me a lot, especially afterwards. She says she wants to meet up so she can work out what she wants

Everything else is an excuse.

 

, and to see whether I am still this arrogant person, or the affectionate boyfriend she used to know when we first met.

This is excuses to bait you to come and prove yourself to her. In fact, SHE should be doing the proving to you, proving how she wants you back. Otherwise I would say there is no point in you going.

 

If I were in your situation ... as you asked ... I'd tell her it was fun while it was fun, but you're not her therapist. Why? Because it's like she has to destroy you to help herself. It's really upsetting to you to be with her, and she broke it off, granted due to (maybe) things you did, but still...

 

However, I worry that in meeting up like this, she will just see me as a friend!

Of course she just sees you as a friend at this point - a friend who she can take advantage of. You are being TOO good of a friend to her, because you want more out of it. That's not a good reason to help her.

 

You need to help yourself. Tell her it's over. I would stop talking to her altogether.

[photomo]

Cheers for all your advice....

 

It's my birthday on the 1st Jan, and I have a feeling she is likely to call me on New Year's Eve to wish me happy birthday, as she mentioned she would before she left to go to Spain. I think it is best that I leave my phone at home; that way, she cannot spoil my night if she does/doesn't call. Besides, I think it is too forced for her to call me on my birthday....she hasn't called any other day, so why call on my birthday?! If she really wanted to speak to me, she'd call back on the 2nd.....although I think it is best that I ignore her calls and give her space whilst she is in Spain....afterall, it is her who wanted the space in the first place.

 

I will arrange a meeting with her in the new year, and tell her that seeing her is causing me too much pain. I will tell her that it's best we have some time apart. I've already told her that I want a definite answer by March....so she knows I'll hold on until that time. If nothing happens by March, I'll try to start a new life without her.

 

Happy New Year!

[Mistymo]

We all want what we can't have. Meeting her in March will tell you everything you want to know but if there is someone you meet in the meen time , check it out - she could be the one. Right?

Happy New Year to you and good luck!!

[PocoDiablo]

I will arrange a meeting with her in the new year, and tell her that seeing her is causing me too much pain. I will tell her that it's best we have some time apart. I've already told her that I want a definite answer by March....so she knows I'll hold on until that time. If nothing happens by March, I'll try to start a new life without her.

Make a meeting? What is this, work?

 

Tell her you're hurting? Are you looking for an excuse for her to slash you to the bone?

 

Let her make the first move. We chase that which retreats from us. Don't run to her, make her come to you... personally I'd get a new GF.

[vandgsmom]

Just a quick question... It seemed as if you were saying that a lot of your original problems stemmed from that she didn't like living with your parents and you didn't like living with hers, but that there was no solution to that because you were at university. So she comes back to England and gets her own place, and it retaliation you move in with a friend?

 

I don't understand. If you can afford it now, what has changed?

 

Also, why weren't you invited to move in with her?

 

Coming from a woman, I am telling you: Don't let her dictate the terms of your contact. Once she see that you are letting her decide how the show is run and what strings of yours to pull, she will be calling for "help" from now until kingdom come and pretty soon you will find yourself following her around like a dog in (well you get the picture)

 

Be tough, you will make it through.

[photomo]

Make a meeting? What is this, work?

 

I think it is probably best to tell her the reason why I don't want to see her, and this will be best done saying it to her face, rather than over the phone. If I don't say anything, and just ignore her, that would make me appear arrogant, surely?

 

Let her make the first move. We chase that which retreats from us. Don't run to her, make her come to you...

 

OK, so should I wait for her to ask to meet up, or should I arrange to meet up? If I wait for her to ask, it may look like she is calling the shots, and I come running to whatever she wants.

 

So she comes back to England and gets her own place, and it retaliation you move in with a friend?

 

It wasn't really retaliation - the true fact is I needed some company as I was quite lonely living with just my parents, and moving in with a mate seems to take my mind off things. Also, if we never get back together, having my own place will make it easier to bring back new girls in the future ;-)

 

why weren't you invited to move in with her?

 

I've never really thought about that. I always asked to move in, but she was always dead against it, as she wanted her space and independence. I should have noticed the signs early on, but I guess I was too naive!

 

 

I think I am going to have to start accepting it is over. At the end of the day, it is her loss, not mine. OK, so I lose the girl I love - but then I lost her months ago...in reality I am just losing a girl who doesn't love me back, and that's no big loss. However, she's losing a guy who really cares about her. I don't think there are many guys out there that could stay in a relationship for over 6 years, have a poor sex life, get dumped twice, and still love the girl for who she is. I hope that one day she'll realise of her loss, and realise how much I actually loved her....by that time though, I hope to be over her.

[Danny H]

I hope that one day she'll realise of her loss, and realise how much I actually loved her....by that time though, I hope to be over her.

 

 

Oh hope for you that is the case, good luck

 

And happy new year

 

dan

[vandgsmom]

Good attitude. Keep up that positive thought process and listed to your instincts, they will lead you straight.

 

Happy New Year!

[photomo]

OK, I have arranged a meeting with her tomorrow night. I think I will try to keep my cool and not mention anything about the relationship. I will ask her if she had a good Christmas etc, and not mention about how I feel.

 

I have written a 6 page letter describing the way I feel, and that I do not want to see or hear from her anymore unless she knows she loves me. I will give her this letter just before we say goodbye. That way, I cannot see how she reacts to it, and I cannot get hurt. I have mentioned in the letter that if I hear nothing from her until March, then I will accept it is over and move on.

 

So, I'm hoping for a happy chat with her tomorrow night, and hoping she'll realise what she wants before March. If I hear nothing from her, then I'll have to accept it is over and learn to live with it. But the only way I can really get over it will be to make sure I have a better life without her, and I think by taking a year out travelling around South America will get me through it.

 

I will keep you all posted, just in case my comments help someone else in a similar position.