Everyone should read this.

[nataliejulie]

I found this article on a psychology website--

 

Ive spent the last few days at work reading an entire medical libary worth of pshcology books trying to figure heartache out. Please PLEASE read this post, when you get to the end I guarentee you will feel better. I know its long but it will really be worth it in the end.

The science behind heartache is relatively simple; its simply the minds way of dealing with a sudden change in our lives that we have no control over. The mind will do anything to keep us in our "happy reality" which is the state of mind we are in when we are happy. When something happens to threaten this happy reality, such as pressure at work or money problems we become what is known as "stressed". This means there are factors in our lives which threaten out happy reality and which we cannot control (or can control but are unable to see how to) and we become stressed. Now take being dumped: our happy reality is not only threatened it is destroyed. The mind reacts intially with numbness (to protect you from the powerful emotions asociated when the mind first begins to absorb such a threat to your happy reality). Then your mind sets about doing everything it possibly can to keep you in your happy reality, such as making you beg and plead. Then if this doesnt work you may become scared as your mind simply cannot cope with the loss of your happy reality. In some cases your mind will simply become "overcome" with the pressure associated with trying to repair your happy reality (now in tatters) and at this point we enter denial, i.e. tell ourselves that our happy reality was not in anyway related to the relationship we have just lost. Sometimes the mind simply creates a new "pseudo-happy reality" which could be in the form of overly attempting to enjoy single life or (wait for it Thea) a relationship with another person. Overtime, a pseudo-happy-reality will become shadowed by a new happy reality which is being formed unconsciously as your conscious mind geniunely feels happy in its "pseudo-happy-reality". Overtime this person may become "conflicted" or "confused" about their lives, as the happy and pseudo-happy realities battle to take dominance in your life.

For people who do not develop a "pseudo-happy-reality", after a break up (and it could be even after a FEW MINUTES OF A BREAK UP) your subconscious mind sets to work trying to adapt to its new "view" on life. It slowly starts to build you a new happy reality, but remember this is your subconscious - so you cannot simply sit down and think about what you would like your new happy reality to be, your subconscious will decide for you. This works out for the best in the long run, because your subconscious mind knows you better than you do. In time your mind starts to accept the new happy reality being created subconsciously and you start to live a life in which you feel genuinely feel happy with.

Now the above is a summary of the huge and massively complicated science of heartache and I have come up with some theories of my own below:

 

1) When you are first dumped your mind will do anything to save its happy reality (i.e. begging your ex) however once your mind realises it is no longer in a postion to save its lost happy reality, it can begin creating you a new REAL one. Now lets say you stay in close contact with your ex or stay friends. Your mind will simply stay at the stage of trying to save the lost happy reality rather than trying to create a new one. This could be why going no contact helps us to heal so well.

 

2) After a split, it seems best to take time out and try to get to know ourselves better. Take time trying new things, meeting new people as this helps your subconscious mind create a new happy reality for you. If you jump into a rebound realtionship you will simply have a "pseudo-happy reality" which will simply lead to you feeling depressed, conflicted or even aggressive for unknown reasons because as your subconscious creates you a new real happy reality, it will clash with your pseudo-happy reality which is your rebound relationship. This could be why rebound relationships are usually doomed to failure.

 

The most important thing to take from this post is to know that the pain of a break-up is your minds why of dealing with the loss of your happy-reality. You can take comfort in the fact that even in the few minutes after a break-up your subconscious is busy creating a new happy reality for you. If you find yourself saying "I dont know how to be happy without her/him" then your 100% correct. Your conscious mind doesnt know how to be happy, however each and everyone of us has a subconscious mind which knowd EXACTLY how to be happy without her/him and given time this will lead to you being happy again.

[Shadows Light]

Hmmmm interesting write up. Thanks for taking the time. Its certainly food for thought.

[FierceDeity]

I actually agree with this in most ways. I feel that it is really important to heal after a break up and to learn to be happy on your own. Solitary happiness is a necessity.

[steff]

i was told once, that our heart hurts when we brake up, because we cant feel emotional pain, and so the brain makes the heart hurt, so it can understand the pain, and gives it something to feel.

[selfi]

thats very interesting now why cant it have the scientific solution to ending the heart ache?

[coooolsome]

Wow, thanks for posting that, it makes a lot of sense. Its funny how powerful the brain really is and all the things it does without our notice.

[healinginnyc81]

Thanks natalie for posting that.

 

I like the idea that we have to get to know ourselves better during this stage rather than try to get someone else to make us happy.

[octopus]

Very interesting and helpful. I think I too would like to read more about the chemistry/dynamics of heartache... I guess I won't be surprised if it all ends up being related to having control in the brain as well as one's ego...

 

Thanks for posting, keep sharing these interesting things with us.

[nataliejulie]

I think this is very important for all of us.

 

For many here, including myself, we are finding it hard to let go. Time and time again, we put in so much effort.. struggling with ourselves to know outcomes and answers. We never really stop ourselves and think, "is it really worth it?" This is all we know, that happiness of being with them.

 

 

I said to a friend of mine the other night, I cannot recall how many times over and over again that I've said, "Why do they always come back when I'm over them?"

 

We can't fake it. Each and every single one of us has tried everything we possibly could to save our relationships and rekindle that flame again.

I could easily say, 95% of the people here that use NC, use NC just to gain their ex back. It can work, it may not. But having that kind of mindset can be a fall back.

 

To be very honest, there is one thing about NC we all ignore.

In most cases here, we need to "change". If you really pay attention, we really don't. Yes, we know our mistakes, yes we knew what we did wrong. The ONLY way we can honestly change is if we step back from the relationship, the heart ache and grow as a new person. IF they do come back, this could be the healithest step you could have taken. Almost like, starting a new relationship, a new person. IF they don't, at least you know what mistakes to not make again.

 

I wish you all well.

[renaissancewoman101]

What you are saying is that when we finally DO change and let go of our ex and grow/mature, is when the ex finally comes back. We can't fake the change but we have to CHANGE. When you say that, it makes me think of the universe watching down on us to see if we change, and if we truly change, they bring the ex back, but by then we are over them and moved on our way. But if we dont change, and we fake it, fate makes sure the ex dont come back. Am I correct?

[nataliejulie]

What you are saying is that when we finally DO change and let go of our ex and grow/mature, is when the ex finally comes back. We can't fake the change but we have to CHANGE. When you say that, it makes me think of the universe watching down on us to see if we change, and if we truly change, they bring the ex back, but by then we are over them and moved on our way. But if we dont change, and we fake it, fate makes sure the ex dont come back. Am I correct?

 

If you fake it, an ex can tell. They know you well enough by now, I'm sure. Faking it means you change for them and by that, you really aren't being honest with either of you.

 

Plus, not being able to move forward hinders your process of healing. And when I say "healing", I also include the process of learning from this relationship and your mistakes.

 

At times, we may even realize things about the relationship we didn't before.. or better yet, that the two people involved, maybe, just weren't right together.

 

For example: Jane dumps Joe. Jane's reason is that he's too insecure and she's tired of trying to reassure him of her love and their relationship. She tells Joe this, so Joe instantly jumps on the "PRAISE THE LORD! I'VE CHANGED!" bandwagon. Two weeks later, he hassles her into trying to make her believe that he's secure with the relationship and her feelings. Yet, Joe is still afraid to lose his job. Joe still thinks, maybe, his friends are true friends. Joe still hassles Jane, technically, to get reassurance that he's changed. Joe comes to eNotAlone and gets angry when he sees the replies he doesn't want to read. Joe is still insecure.

[Shadows Light]

Aye... a mate can tell when the other one is FAKING it. My husband faked it. "I made a mistake, I took advantage of you, I wasn't thinking... etc etc." and then, I could see the ANGER boiling deep inside him. I could see it eating at him. I could see it wanting to erupt. And I waited. During this time he did an entire 180. Being almost, too nice, too helpful, too lovey dovey, too in my face. And you could see and feel that the tension in him was coiling ready to spring. IT DID. It errupted in 3 weeks. It took 3 weeks for him to revert. So, no faking it is NOT a good idea.

[nataliejulie]

Ditto. I told my ex that I SWORE I became patient, understanding and non-clingy. Only took me two weeks to hassle him about how much time we were spending together. Then it only took me three weeks to be impatient about our committment to each other.

 

Lesson learned? I faked it, I didn't really change. I really want to though. Not for him, but for myself. My need for all the answers and my impatience hinders a lot in my life. I have to learn to calm down and let it be.

[selfi]

My need for all the answers and my impatience hinders a lot in my life. I have to learn to calm down and let it be.

 

 

sounds like me! Are you working on this NJ? If so, what are you doing about it? Id love to know so I could apply it to myself ](*,)

[Shadows Light]

Behaviorial changes take a long time. They say it takes 21 days to kick the smoking habit. The first 3 days is physical withdrawl. The rest is the mental/behavioral change. How many people have a hard time kicking that habit. But they do. And its a life long battle to... stay smoke-free.

 

Look at dieting. And how difficult it is to make those behavioral modification changes.

 

Likewise behaviorial changes as you are trying to make. Try getting some books from your library about Behaviorial changes or even addictions.

 

Keep a journal. To track your progress. Make one change at a time. Do not go out to make a bunch of them. Maybe make a list of what types of changes you want to make. And then list the process of how you intend to make them. And then prioritize them... and pick ONE out. To start on.

 

When you catch yourself reverting. You need something to "stop you"... jot it down in your journal. Wear a rubberband on your wrist and snap it. Walk away and get busy.. wash the dishes.

 

Or.. get yourself a glass of water and start drinking. Hold the water in your mouth for 30 seconds. My Grandmother said the best way to avoid saying something thats hurtful... is by taking a drink of water.

 

You can't very well drink water and talk at the same time can you??? Well there you go.

 

And everytime you bite your tongue and recognize what you were about to do but didn't... write it down in your journal. And reward yourself. Positive reinforcement. Reward can be maybe a piece of GODIVA chocolate that you've bought and hidden away for such an occasion. Bad stuff didn't come out of your mouth.. so you deserve something sweet going in.

 

If you've made it 3 months and made a change for the better. Then pick the next goal on your list.

[nataliejulie]

sounds like me! Are you working on this NJ? If so, what are you doing about it? Id love to know so I could apply it to myself ](*,)

 

Go out and buy the book called "It's Called a Break Up because It's Broken"

 

It saved me. Literally.

[selfi]

Go out and buy the book called "It's Called a Break Up because It's Broken"

 

It saved me. Literally.

 

. read the book NJ. prehaps i have missed its main contention, as i dont see it as a strong enough read personally. and i approached it with an open mindedness... is there a particular section should re-read into?

[NubianLove]

Bumping this up

Another thing to keep in mind is that when u change u need not tell the ex you've changed, they'lll know just by your actions.

When you're with someone a long time, ur lives become intertwined, so whether or not ur wondering if during NC if they are missing u, then there is no doubt they are. So there is no need to wonder about that, just do it. Happiness is a state of being, ur happiness shouldnt be tied to any external situations, u should judge the external things based on that feeling inside.