How do you overcome low self-esteem & have confidence?

[SweetJade]

Over the years, I've always took everything what people say to me to heart.I've heard compliments ranging from your very beautiful to flat out comments like you're ugly all of my life.Unfortunately, it seems like I dwell too much on the ugly comments. I'd like to feel pretty & attractive but I just hate the way I look. It doesn't make me feel good about myself & I dwell on it too much. Sometimes I feel like I am beautiful & sometimes I don't. If there's a mirror around, I'll go to it & stare at my imperfections & I'll start critiquing my face.I have an uneven complexion & skin tone with dark spots from acne. This is also a major factor why I feel like this. My mom won't bring me to a derm because she feels what I am talking about is petty. Overall, I wish I could stop obsessing over it because there's so much more to life than being beautiful. I often find myself at the mall seeing different women & I'll be like, I wish I could look like her or the women on the tv shows with the nice figures & nice skin!

[Dako]

You sure have a problem girl.

I'm just guessing you're a young, pretty woman who doesn't have any respect for her abilities, personality or intelligence.

 

Spend some time away from the mirror doing fun things like running, playing guitar, hitting the books, sailing, watching a play, eating sushi, flirting with guys, anything but looking for defects in your face.

 

You are not your face, you're so much more.

[darkblue]

What do you think would boost your self-esteem and help you realise how beautiful you are?

[Lost_Cause]

Wow, It's like I'm reading a chapter from my own diary here. Everything you've written is exactly how I feel at times. But Dako has a point..maybe time spent doing other things, maybe finding a new skill could boost your self esteem and take the focus away from you looking for your flaws. I find that finding a new hobby really does do wonders..haven't done it for a while though, so maybe I should take my own advice!lol! It makes you feel that you're good at something and actually worth something and helps you to see it truly is what is in the inside which counts. Good luck, I'm sure in time things will get better, cos I've been there and felt exactly the way you do- but things do and WILL improve.

[theantibarbie23]

You can start regaining some of your self-esteem by realizing that there is NO such thing as perfection and it is our flaws that make us unique individuals. It would be one bland world if we all walked around looking like barbie and ken, thank god for diversity!

 

Even if you were drop dead beautiful, it doesn't last. Physical beauty fades with time. Those whom put too much stock in their physical appearance are often miserable and unable to cope when they start getting old.

 

Find other things (hobbies, talents, ect.) that you enjoy and try building that up. It can do wonders to improve the way you feel about yourself.

[BillyJean714]

I have a story to share:

 

Throughout the years, everywhere I go, I always run into the SAME lady who's handicapped. It's so sad, because I must've run into her about 8 times over the course of 8 years. Call it coincidence? Anyway, she always has a different care taker everytime I see her.

 

She's always in her wheelchair. She can't lift her head. She's always laying in the same position, because she's a qaudripelgic. It's sad, you know. I always imagine how tough it is to be in her shoes. Even if she wants to work, she can't.

 

Imagine being trapped in her mind, all day long, 24/7 your ENTIRE life. That's torture. Bless her soul. At least she's hangin in there.

 

Just imagine how tough it is for her. Then ask yourself, am I blessed, or what? I mean, at least you have 4 limbs, a beautiful face, and a nice figure, correct? At least you're not deformed, and at least you're better off than some people. I don't mean to compare others just to make us feel better about ourselves, but think about it. Other people have it tough.

 

I also visited a 3rd world country where I met kids who suffered from Agent Orange poisoning. They LITERALLY had no limbs! Yes! They were born that way. Some of them were unfortunate to have land mines that blew up their leg. Their only mode of transportation was their skateboard tied to their body used as a makeshift wheelchair. They couldn't even afford an actual wheelchair. These kids were orphans as well. They were left abandoned on the streets! No one took care of them. That was my life altering experience. I used to be this miss diva wannabe miss thang, until I met these people. All I can say is, there are lots of people who have it worse.

 

Everyone has their own insecurities. No doubt. Just be thankful for what you got! If you put things into perspective, life isn't so bad, right? Take care.

[Dako]

Billy jean

We all take turns feeling low, but shouldn't get too self-absorbed. Someone else is always worse off.

 

I was whining about my troubles to my quadraplegic buddy, Mike. I noted the irony of this and he responded, "Hey, your marriage is on the rocks, not mine! You're the one that's messed up, bro."

I love that guy.

[Dako]

Here are a few true things mama told me:

Good thing you're a boy, because you'd make an ugly girl.

You were an accident...rubber was crummy back then.

Too bad you got your father's nose, it makes you look odd.

I always thought that girl was too good for you.

 

Saw my mom yesterday.

I told her she still looks nice for such an old broad.

 

Sure, it's no joking matter to lack confidence, but we all use whatever we have to get through life. In time you find hidden abilities and strengths you never noticed. I've always felt lucky that things work out despite my fears. Often I think faith in yourself is a choice you make regardless of how pretty or successful you appear.

[brando]

well, one thing i have read and makes sense is to stop believing those limiting thoughts u have about yourself. Someone once told us we werent good enough, or stupid, or ugly, and some of us may have heard that over and over again. Well we all have a choice whether to believe those comments or not.

 

It is easier said than done.

 

The one thing i did learn over the years is to identify with others not compare.

 

I think all of us can learn to be gentler with ourselves. We are not perfect, we will make mistakes, and we will be back on our feet again in time. Maybe it is part of the journey, the lessons we need to learn to feel good about who we are.

 

All we can do is take care of ourselves the best way we know how.

 

Ive also read that by making an action plan, or goals small or large and actually accomplishing those goals is a great way to boost esteem.

 

I was in a health class once and a suicide survivor spoke. She said her self esteem was so low that part of her recovery was to congratulate herself on every little task she accomplished throughout the day, this including tieing her shoes/sneakers. Extreme, maybe, but it was necessary for her.

 

I feel we spend so much time concentrating on the negative aspects of ourselves, that we sometimes foreget to celebrate the good aspects as well. It appears to be a balance.

 

Somethings we do well may seem insiginificant to others, that doesnt mean we need to downplay it at all, and focus once again on the negative. If it is somethign we do that makes us feel good about us, we need to highlight that and be proud of it. And share it with others.

 

be well,

Brando

[Emotional]

i feel where you are coming from...my dad bought me proactive and there still isnt any great results, I still wear just as much makeup as before

 

I get called pretty/ugly too...lol I know it may be hard to take, but

just try not to take it personal...The ones usually saying that

are really mature and themselves may have a really low self esteem,

 

the only reason they really say these personal critisms is because

they think it'll make themselves feel better...Ignore these mean

comments from peope who you will not see for the rest of your life!

 

the people in your life come and go...stick to a goal girly..let

them know it and just tell them to grow up..you dont

need to be around negative people...

 

I know its hard, but girl, there is still a whole lot of life to live!

lets try not to let the things that seem so big right now bring you down.

because pretty soon, you'll be worrying about more things like

Work, Bills, fixing your car...

 

life stinks sometimes, but its all part of growing up...

[Emotional]

i feel where you are coming from...my dad bought me proactive and there still isnt any great results, I still wear just as much makeup as before

 

I get called pretty/ugly too...lol I know it may be hard to take, but

just try not to take it personal...The ones usually saying that

are really Immature and themselves may have a really low self esteem,

 

the only reason they really say these personal critisms is because

they think it'll make themselves feel better...Ignore these mean

comments from peope who you will not see for the rest of your life!

 

the people in your life come and go...stick to a goal girly..let

them know it and just tell them to grow up..you dont

need to be around negative people...

 

I know its hard, but girl, there is still a whole lot of life to live!

lets try not to let the things that seem so big right now bring you down.

because pretty soon, you'll be worrying about more things like

Work, Bills, fixing your car...

 

life stinks sometimes, but its all part of growing up...

[ShySoul]

Instead of thinking about our flaws or what we think is bad about us, focus on the good things. Sure, I might not be the greatest looking guy in the world, I may have had to endure all kinds of junk in my life, I might feel lonely and sad most of the time, but those things don't represent who I am as a person. Instead I think about the good heart that I know I have and how I have made a difference in someone's life, been there for them. Just knowing I did that one thing and have something good to say about myself, makes me feel better.

 

So focus on your strengths, talents and skills. Whatever they are, focus on them. We all have many great qualities. What is key is to not dwell on what we supposedly lack, but to concentrate on what we have.

[Montrell274]

I know how it feels to have low self-esteem. I was always sad in grade school because i was constantly bullied. I was picked on because I was the smallest one in my class and I never fought. Though I was pretty smart in school, I was not street savvy nor good with women. It took me years to discover my confidence and the ultimate fact in the world: Believe what you say about yourself, not what others say about you. This took me a while to learn. I can say that my high school experience will take some time to undo, especially since I was depressed and anti-social. I chose to harbor what I didn't have instead of what I did have. Once I began to develop confidence in myself, the sadness began to fade. My confidence level is pretty high, but it is still not where I want it. My advice to anyone is that everyone has doubts, everyone has a point where their self-esteem is not at an all-time high. If you maintain a high level of focus, you should be set.

[perfectliljewel]

looks are temporary some one told me that you maybe beautiful now but when u get old your going to have gray hair, wrinkles, and flabby skin. then what? if you have worked on looking beautiful all ur life then you have no other skills... and that would suck

[Dako]

looks are temporary some one told me that you maybe beautiful now but when u get old your going to have gray hair, wrinkles, and flabby skin.

 

No need to get personal!

[perfectliljewel]

well its true i just discribed my grandma

[ShySoul]

looks are temporary some one told me that you maybe beautiful now but when u get old your going to have gray hair, wrinkles, and flabby skin. then what? if you have worked on looking beautiful all ur life then you have no other skills... and that would suck

 

Hey! You described my grandparents as well.

 

True beauty comes from within. You can take someone who meets the stereotypes of what physical beauty is, but if they have a bad attitude and are rude to others, then they aren't beautiful people. However, someone who may be just average on the outside, if they have a good heart then more people are likely to view them as beautiful. It's not what you have on the outside, its who you are on the inside that matters.

[perfectliljewel]

work on your skills and stop looking at you butt and stuff.... well looks whatever just have fun! lifes to short to be worried about stuff that wont last. your just going to rot anyways

[Lacuna]

This thread is probably already dead but I'll contribute anyway...

 

I think there are two ways to go with low self esteem - trying all those dozens of ways to help improve how you see yourself (positive thinking etc), or working at not seeing yourself at all.

 

I find that when I try and improve how I see myself I have good days and bad days - my self esteem goes up and down like a yo-yo. After doing this for many years and always trying different approaches I realise it doesn't work and will never really improve things - it will always be a struggle.

 

The answer is learning to take yourself out of the equation. Because a person with low self esteem is a selfish person. When such a person goes into a room are they thinking "how are these people?", no - they are thinking "how do these people see me?", "what can I do to make these people like me?" etc etc. It is self involvement and a downward spiral. Much better is the person who enters the room without even really being aware of themselves - they interact with each person genuinely, with no hidden agenda of trying to raise or protect their self image.

 

It all sounds very buddhist (and in some ways it is) but I really believe it is the only way. It's like Billy Jean mentioned - how seeing a handicapped person put things in perspective. Just for that moment the preoccupation with 'me' went away...

 

Just another perspective...

[ShySoul]

Lacuna - Your comments are always appreciated. So feel free to post where ever you want.

 

I agree that its best to think of others and good to recognize that there are people who have it worse off then we do. But I think its going a little to far to call people with low self esteem selfish. If people with low self esteem are told that they will just feel worse about themselves and it won't help there self esteem to get better. These people may be very selfless, in fact they might be too giving and do everything that others say because they are afraid of not fitting in. It's not about them thinking about themselves, its about them being too focused on what others think of them.

 

But I get what you are saying. And I often follow very Buddha like ideas myself.

[Lacuna]

Shysoul - you are right, perhaps 'selfish' was the wrong word. "Self-involved" is probably more accurate. And whatever the reasons it is definitely the case - which is why they say 'to love others you must first love yourself' because someone who is low in self esteem is so preoccupied with their feelings of low self-worth they have little time to think of anyone else...

 

It is not a simple concept and one that whole books have been written - but I personally find it helpful to realise what I'm doing when I sit around feeling sorry for myself; being self-involved and focusing on my own problems to the detriment of everything else around me. Imagine how fewer depressed people there would be if everyone was involved in something outside themselves (and by involved I mean more than just being there and going through the motions).

 

I often wonder if depression is a modern development - a symptom of people having too much free time on their hands to sit and think about themselves and what they're missing out on. I wonder if more 'traditional' societies have the same rates of depression?

[ShySoul]

Agreed. If you are so focused on your problems, its a detriment and makes things worse. But sometimes I know I overcompensate and focus to much on others, being involved in things outside myself. Its a tricky balancing act, learning when to look in youself as some degree of being self involved is good, but also learning when to look outside yourself. If you know the secret to this, you could make a fortune.

 

I think depression has always existed and will always exist in some form. Now though there is so much attention put on it. It's easy for people to surround themselves with negative things and wallow in their depression if they choose.

[musicguy]

Sweetjade. I feel the same way as you do. Some people still call me ugly today. There have been few people who have ever called me attractive

[Lacuna]

Sweetjade. I feel the same way as you do. Some people still call me ugly today. There have been few people who have ever called me attractive

 

Musicguy - I have no idea if you are attractive or not, but I do know that life is rarely fair. This may sound like a lack of sympathy but I always find it helpful to remember that everyone has their crosses to bare - whether it be poor appearance, a physical disability, mental disability or even severe poverty. I do not want to trivialise the difficulties you are going through - but it might help to think of the people that cannot walk, the children in other countries whose families have died etc etc. Or better yet think of those people in wheelchairs who go rock climbing, or the burn victims who get married.

 

Life is rarely fair - when I get down about not having the career my friends have, that I'm not as good looking as others, that girls don't throw themselves at me or that I have no family, I think of how much worse it could be... Life isn't fair - and I can either accept that and make the most of life anyway or sit in my room and waste my life being sad about it.

 

Don't waste a second of your life musicguy by feeling upset or down - make the most of what you have buddy....