Has anyone remained GOOD friends with an ex?

[drdread233]

I didn't know whether to put this in Relationship Conflicts or this one, but seeing as how I'm not even in a relationship, this is just a general question.

 

Has anyone ever remained good friends with an ex? Because lately I've been becoming really close with a friend and I think there's an attraction between the both of us. A few weekends ago, there was a sleepover at friend's house, which involved drinking. I had been really stressed out that week from school, so I kinda' took it far that night...and ended up puking twice. So anyway, eventually I made my way to sleep on the couch. When I woke up randomly in the middle of the night, she was lying on the couch with me (and it wasn't a very big couch either....I couldn't full extend my legs), and she was resting her head on my chest. Just last weekend, there was a big gathering at a friend's house, and we were watching a movie.....and she was sitting in front of me. Then out of nowhere she just sat back and began leaning on me. These signs are suggesting that she likes me, and I think I like her too........but I'm not sure what to do.

 

You see, I am considering getting involved with her, but she means too much to me as a friend. We've had so many good times together that I don't want to risk any possibility of losing her in the future. And she's part of a new group of friends I hang out with now, and they are the best group of friends ever. If anything happened to that, I don't know what I'd do. But yeah. If I DID get involved with her, it would be my first relationship....and I think it would be her 3rd. To put it straight forward, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm by no means very social, so phone calls might be a bit awkward because I never know what to talk about. Around other people there's always a conversation going, but sometimes we are alone when I'm waiting to get picked up at her house (to go home), and sometimes we are alone when she's driving me somewhere. During those times I've often found myself in an "awkward" silence. I have no idea what to bring up for topic of discussion. That's one factor that's really making me hesitant. Another factor is that I just don't want to lose her. But here's the thing too. If I don't decide to get involved with her, I will regret it. If I do....then I'll start overthinking things and yeah, again with the awkward silences thing.

 

But I really like her....I've never felt such a connection with anyone. There's a big gathering in a few weeks with some friends, and I don't know if anything will happen then. We are going to a buddy's cottage for a ski/snowboard trip.....it's going to be a pretty big gathering, and yeah.....I wonder if any other signs will show up.

 

And yeah, I just don't know what to do. I'm glad that these signs have showed up, but then again I wish they didn't. Because she lives in the next town (not very far away at all), I mostly talk to her online during the week when I don't get to see her. Because of lately, I've been really unsure of what to do, and I've been kinda' avoiding her. But eventually it's going to come back to me, so when it does, I'm going to need to have made a clear decision. But yeah.....I'd be going into my first relationship, and I have no idea what I'm doing. I wouldn't know what to talk about during phone calls, or even how often to call for that matter. I don't want to overwhelm her with phone calls, but then again what if I don't call enough? I don't know. And actually, these signs have kinda popped up at the wrong timing. I have exams in a few weeks and I'm really stressed out about school, and yeah. If I do want to ask her out, I would really want to do it after exams.....but if we still hang out a lot until then, I don't want her or anyone to think that I'm just "flirting" with her or "playing mind games" with her by not asking her out or anything.

 

And I was just reading some of the other posts in the Relationships category.....and someone was saying how in any case it's pretty much impossible for people to remain friends after a breakup? That's my biggest worry, because it's usually true. I started hanging out with these people in like the start of July up until now. I originally got associated with them because they are friends of my best friend. And this girl I like is best friends with my best friend. So usually I'm always hanging around them, they're my closest friends in the group. I've had sooo many good times with her and everything.....that if we broke up, nothing would be the same. And I don't know if I really want to risk that, even though I really like her a lot. I'm also afraid because her last breakup was an ugly one....she used to be really good friends with her ex too until they broke up. Now they absolutely NEVER talk.

 

So yeah, this is a pretty stupid issue I guess. Most people would say "Just ask her out if she means that much to you". But it's easier said than done. And I'm not confident at this stage either...especially with this girl. I like her a lot, but I also have no had any experience with dating. I don't want her to have a different (and possibly negative) perception of me after we went out. I'm not trying to put myself down, but IF she does like me (which I THINK she does.....going back to those "signs" I was mentioning).....I have no idea why she does. I am boring to be truthful. I can just see it....phone calls would be awkard. I'd have no idea what to talk about or anything. But anyway yeah....I just don't think I really want to risk the good times with her....but at the same time, I realllllly would like to get involved with her. I've never had such a connection with anyone, so yeah.

 

But if someone could offer some insight on this, that'd be great. Thanks for reading.

[Miss M]

It really depends on the people involved. Some say it's impossible, but others say it's possible. I've had both experiences. I think continuing to be friends afterward takes a huge amount of maturity and commitment. That means you both have to be very commited to working on being friends afterwards. But even then, there are no guarantees because you can't predict how you each will feel later.

 

And you do seem to have a lot at risk if you start a relationship with her that doesn't work out. Your whole circle of friends will be affected. It will be awkward on many levels, as your friends might feel inclined to take sides. And if it doesn't work, at least one of you probably feel a need to leave the group to find a whole new group of friends, so there's a lot to lose. And that will be especially hard since your friends are the ones who help get you through a breakup. A relationship and a breakup under those circumstances will be an upheaval and a big adjustment for all of those in your circle who cares about the both of you. In other words, in the situation you're describing, it seems possible to do it, but it's extremely unlikely, and very risky to make a success of it if things don't work out.

[novaseeker]

 

You see, I am considering getting involved with her, but she means too much to me as a friend. We've had so many good times together that I don't want to risk any possibility of losing her in the future. And she's part of a new group of friends I hang out with now, and they are the best group of friends ever. If anything happened to that, I don't know what I'd do.

...

 

And I was just reading some of the other posts in the Relationships category.....and someone was saying how in any case it's pretty much impossible for people to remain friends after a breakup? That's my biggest worry, because it's usually true.

 

Peronally I've never quite been able to swing it with anyone other than my ex-wife. I am still friendly with my ex-wife (actually we're pretty good friends), but in part that has developed because we have a son together and we need to be on good terms. It's more than that, it is a real friendship, but if we didn't have a son together I'm not sure either of us would have bothered to try to stay friendly after the divorce.

 

With my other exes, I've never been friends with any of them. My most recent ex could be an exception to that once I get through the NC phase and am more healed ... I may reach out to him after that because we started out as good friends and it may be possible to revert to that at some stage, I don't know.

 

In your situation, it does seem kind of dicey. If you value her as a friend now and do not wish to lose that friendship, it may be best not to get romantically involved with her. On the other hand, if she is romantically interested in you, and you rebuff her, that may impact the friendship anyway. With the social group you describe, it seems to me that there are more risks for you if you try a relationship with her in terms of losing the larger social group at some point, potentially, and so you may want to stick with being friends if you're very concerned about that, which it seems you are.

[LiveStrong]

Hey,

 

From my experience it all depends on how the two of you are going into the relationship. Ive found that if the two of you were really good friends and had been for a while when you started going out then normally you will be at the end, im just as close with an ex now as i was before we went out with no problems at all. On the other hand, if you go into a relationship not really knowing the other person or much about them, ive found that when you finish, although yes it is possible to stay friends, that friendship wont amount to much, and is not a solid friendship.

[Mattie]

Hey.

 

I think it is possible to be friends with an ex, but it isn't something that can be forced. It comes in time. Both people have to have dealt with the relationship.

 

I'm friends with all of my ex girlfriends, but it is only because I took the time apart to get over them. You can't be friends with them if you still have feelings for them, no matter how hard you try to ignore it.

[Juha]

I went into my last relationship and we were friends before...

 

We became really good friends when together and know eachother so well...

 

Now she left and was very mean and cold to me, telling me we are friends but we never talk and never hang out...

 

SHe jsut says that to make herself feel better I guess...

 

Maybe at a later time we can be what we were before..We told eachother everything and now we don't even talk...I won't initiate anything for the way she treated me...

[Tigris]

Stop panicking and ask her out!

 

I've been friends with my first boyfriend for 29 years! I recently stayed with him and his parents in Cyprus.

 

My 1st husband is still friendly towards me and we've been divorced for 14 years!

 

I don't have a problem with remaining friends with ex's, however, some people do. It all depends on how you feel.

 

Good luck and take care.

[OldSkool76]

oOo, definitely sounds like a problem I've had recently. I'm actually friends with all of my exes, except the most recent one. And that was definitely a bad relationship to be in in the first place. So, I think it all depends on the people.

 

He and I were friends before, with a really good, close group of friends, which split up about a year ago, the last remnants broke up when my ex and I broke up. It's been nearly a year now, and I don't think he and I will EVER be friends again, not like before. So, don't risk it if you don't want the friendship to end...