someone please help me.. abused

[mysteriousGIRL]

Even after he hit me, cheated on me, lied to me, i still can't let him go. I know i can change him i know i can.. He broke up with me again.. i know is because i annoyed him.. can someone please help me get him back.. or will he even try to come back...... help me aim me.. deviliish babie

[DN]

It is a classic situation that abused women believe they can change their abuser. Sometimes it takes a long time to lose that illusion. But it is an illusion.

 

 

[Derge]

Lose this fool he's not worth your time a girl Im friends had a boyfriend like this and she kept letting him back so I talked her round and he was out on his * * * * there not worth the time of day. yet at 16 I wouldt think id have so much knowledge there are alot of scum on this side of the atlantic.

[theantibarbie23]

Even after he hit me, cheated on me, lied to me, i still can't let him go. I know i can change him i know i can.. He broke up with me again.. i know is because i annoyed him.. can someone please help me get him back.. or will he even try to come back...... help me aim me.. deviliish babie

 

Nearly every single abused woman on this planet thinks the guy will change if she just sticks it out long enough, tries harder, makes more sacrifices... You can not change him as much as you may want to. His emotional problems are his own to bear. He needs to face his own demons. You can not do that for him.

 

The truth is that these men hardly EVER change. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling this miserable? A lifetime of being lied to, put down, beaten, and cheated on?

 

The ONLY person you are capable of changing right now, is you. You need to start showing yourself the love you've been wasting on a man (and I'm using the term man loosely) whom doesn't deserve your affection.

 

You are better off alone than with someone whom would do those horrible things to you. There is no excuse good enough to make the way he treats you acceptable. I know you feel like you can't live without him but there are a lot better options for you out there. Weather you can see this right now or not, it's true.

[mysteriousGIRL]

it was my fault.. i forced him this way..if i would of let him clam down, but i kept pushing his button... it was my fault.. i shouldn't have annoyed him.. i should of let him and gave him space when he needed it... he isn't a bad person i know he isn't

[DN]

it was my fault.. i forced him this way..if i would of let him clam down, but i kept pushing his button... it was my fault.. i shouldn't have annoyed him.. i should of let him and gave him space when he needed it... he isn't a bad person i know he isn't

 

from the website to which I gave you a link:

 

 

Signs You are Changing to Please the Abuser

(which means you are definitely in an abusive relationship)

 

• Apologizing for something you did not do to calm him or prevent abuse.

[TAFFY]

mysteriousgirl, you need to let him go. Trust me, he will not change. I've been in your situation and got out of it because one day I finally opened my eyes and saw that the abuse would not get any better, it would only get worse.

 

Also, something you need to realize and you need to do it quickly, is that the abuse that he dished out WAS IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT! That's how abusers rationalize their abusive actions; it's never their fault, it's always the abused partner's fault, and that's the biggest load of bilge that can ever be said.

 

Honey, you didn't cause him to be that way, he was that way or had that tendency before you 2 even met. For your own safety and wellbeing, it's best to let him go and find someone that will treat you the way you should be treated. I hope this helps.

[Hope75]

it was my fault.. i forced him this way..if i would of let him clam down, but i kept pushing his button... it was my fault.. i shouldn't have annoyed him.. i should of let him and gave him space when he needed it... he isn't a bad person i know he isn't

 

You know what?

 

No matter how hard you pushed him, pressed his buttons, aggravated him, he should never hit you. There is no excuse for hurting someone you are supposed to love, and it's crystal clear by the way he treated you that he does not love you.

 

Aside from the fact that he cheated on you!

 

Girl, whether you believe it or not, you deserve better, and can thank your lucky stars that he is gone.

 

I know what I am talking about. I was in an abusive relationship with someone for 5 years. I tried everything in my power to "change him" and to "please him" and "make him happy". I put myself last and allowed him to abuse me.

 

He cheated on me too. I thought it was my fault.

 

In the end, I escaped with barely my life. That's right-- he tried to kill me.

 

It is NOT YOUR FAULT that he hurts you-- no matter how much you get on his nerves. No one who loves you would EVER hit you or cheat on you.

 

I think you know that no one is going to help you try and "get him back".

 

You deserve so much more than this.

[Shadows Light]

Its not your fault. NO amount of button pushing can rationalize hitting you, breaking things, verbal abuse and cheating. Were you pushing his buttons when he cheated. What excuse did he give you??? Did he say you "changed". You weren't loving enough. There was a lack of intimacy and he's a man who has NEEDS???

 

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

You've been conditioned to think so. I know. I have been where you are. OUR situations are different. YES. But I know.

 

He IS a good person. That is the face he shows the rest of the world. And that is the face he show's you when he cycles. Have the cycles gotten closer together? It happens with greater frequency?

 

NO ONE... should ever be hit. NO ONE. HE HAS OPTIONS. IT's called walking away. It's called self control and restraint. Something is VERY wrong with this relationship.

 

There's a book on the market I've been into.. "WHY DOES HE DO THAT" - inside the minds of Angry and Controling men. By Lundy Bancroft. Pick it up and see if you don't see yourseslf in this book.

 

There are a number of things that ran through my mind when I was in the ring. Stepping out of the ring... even for a while. You see things differently. With a clearer perspective.

 

I thought.. I signed on for this... FOR BETTER OR WORSE.

 

I was told that..ALL MARRIED COUPLES behave thusly.

 

The good times were good. The bad times...well, somehow they were always rationalized as someone elses fault. My fault. or he was drunk...he doesn't remember it happening. OR.. the best is.. I was making a BIG DEAL out of nothing. Being OVERLY SENSITIVE. That one was the best.. I was overly sensitive. It was No big thing.

 

IF YOU ARE BEING HIT. IF HE is breaking things. Yelling at you. Degrading you. Discounting you. He is breaking YOU DOWN. And you need to get out.. and get away as soon as possible for yourself and for your emotional and mental stability.

 

IF You have children... it is your responsibility to keep them safe and to raise them in a safe environment. Staying with an abusive spouse puts the children at risk.

 

Do yourself a favor... pick this book up, call a battered womens shelter.. talk to someone. Just run by them your situation and tell them what is happening... so you can get a REALITY check on the situation.

 

You will NOT change him. And he will not change..no matter how much he cries, begs, or uses emotional triggers to get you to back down. CHANGE for an ANGRY & CONTROLING man takes a long long time and lots of proffessional help.

[mysteriousGIRL]

he didn't hit me.. he just pushes me, and dragg me by my hair and kick me out of the house.. he never hit...

 

he said that, just cuz i'm forgiving doesn't mean he is the same way. Just cuz i forgave him for all the thing he has done, don't expect him to do the same.

[mysteriousGIRL]

I was gonna buy him snowbored for christmas, and i hid it from him to supprise him, but instead of him being supprised he accused me of cheating on him and making him jealous... it was my fault.. i shouldn't have hid things from him.. now he won't forgive me... please help me..

 

it was suppose to be a happy thing. I never really shown him how much i apprecate him, how can something that suppose to be so happy, turn out to be so sad... I really just want to buy him something nice for christmas...

 

I understand he why he would be mad cuz i got the money from my ex, he owed me money. But i didn't tell him i was talkin to my ex cuz i didn't want to ruren the supprise.

 

How come he won't forgive me?

[Hope75]

I'm afraid you've got blinders on and are so deep in this you can't eve see what you are letting happen to you.

 

When he drags you by your hair and pushes you THAT IS STILL ABUSE. He still cheated on you.

 

You hid his present and he accused you of cheating on him and hurt you.

 

THAT IS NOT LOVE, and IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR.

 

Do you honestly think this was a healthy relationship? Do you think someone who loves you would treat you this way?

 

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT HE ACTS THIS WAY, AND YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM.

[mysteriousGIRL]

i just want him to understand but i can't seem to get him to see i didn't mean to hurt him.. i just wanted him to have a good christmas. how do i make him understnad

[Hope75]

You can't make him do anything.

 

And honestly, don't you think it's best to let him go and try to get on with your life?

 

Someone who got this angry over a NICE gesture on your part and has abused you and cheated on you is NOT worth holding onto.

 

Besides. He left you, let him go and be thankful that he's out of your life and can't hurt you anymore.

[TAFFY]

mysteriousgirl, all of us who've responded to you are trying desparately to help YOU. You NEED to see your relationship for what it is; a physically dangerous one for you. My ex never hit me, either, he just pushed me and pushed me and finally one day picked me up and threw me down. I don't want to see you be hurt anymore that what you have already been hurt. Please, try to see this from our viewpoint; we want you to have a long life, but I'm afraid that if the relationship continues, things will only get worse, and you might end up getting really hurt, or worse. No, I don't know you, but I've been in your situation and I fear for you!

[Mun]

He is not going to forgive you because it's your fault...at least that's what he will ALWAYS tell you...it will always be your fault. Don't you see that you can't change things? You're under his spell and as long as you accept his pathetic excuses he will continue to control you and abuse you. Nothing you could have done merits getting hit...or dragged by the hair.. or whatever else you want to call it. NOTHING gives him the right to hit you.

[mysteriousGIRL]

But i don't think he is this bad.. i really believe there is good in him. I really believe he is a good person. I been with him for 2 in half years now. He really is a good person. I know me asking for your guys help and coming on here telling you guys of the things me and him went through really made it seem like he is a bad person... He isn't...

 

I just need to some how get him to forgive me for lying to him. I don't understand why he won't get back together with me knowing all i want to do is supprise him...

[Hope75]

There is ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE.

 

It does not matter if it happened ONCE, or 100 times.

 

That is VERY bad behaviour, and NOTHING justifies it, EVER.

 

You are unwilling to look at it for what it is because you think you are in love with him.

 

Even if he were a good person who treated you with love and respect, there isn't anything you can do to "make" him forgive you.

 

Answer me this:

 

Do you think if he loved you that he would EVER have pushed you, dragged you by the hair, and cheated on you?

 

Answer honestly. What would you tell a friend in this situation? Don't make excuses for his behaviour, because there are none.

[theantibarbie23]

But i don't think he is this bad.. i really believe there is good in him. I really believe he is a good person. I been with him for 2 in half years now. He really is a good person. I know me asking for your guys help and coming on here telling you guys of the things me and him went through really made it seem like he is a bad person... He isn't...

 

I just need to some how get him to forgive me for lying to him. I don't understand why he won't get back together with me knowing all i want to do is supprise him...

 

I'm going to be very blunt with you. A good person does not behave how your ex has with you. It doesn't matter if you made him angry or not or how far you pushed him. A real man wouldn't PUT HIS HANDS ON A WOMAN, PERIOD. Stop taking the blame for HIS actions. No one held a gun to his head and told him to get physical with you.

 

There is a reason you aren't getting what people here are trying to tell you. We can see things without any of the emotions that clout people's judgement. Your view of this relationship right now is extremely warped. The relationship you have with this man is ANYTHING but healthy and loving.

 

You seem to have very little if any self-esteem. No woman whom valued herself would let some guy pull her around by her hair, cheat on her, lie to her, and then beg him to come back. Please seek some type of professional help.

[mysteriousGIRL]

I appreciate all you guys help....

The reason why i'm saying it's mostly my fault is because nothing happens for no reason. I must have caused it. I feel as if i'm guilty of making him this way. I just want everything to be okay again. I miss my boyfriend..... I know he is stuck deep down inside somewhere. I know he isn't this cruel and cold hearted. I don't see him as a monster, but someone i love who desperatly need my help. Please help me help him find his way. I can't abandon him.

 

Yes, he has abandon me, and left me in the cold, but knowing he needs help should i still walk away??

[Danny H]

He is somebody that needs help, but I think that help should be of a professional nature.

He needs to see the patterns he's emulating, and learn to change that behavior, and only then will he see what the hell you are trying to do.

 

 

But you yourself seem to be suffering a little Low esteem, otherwise you would see more clearly how it is not your fault the way he is acting

 

Good luck

[theantibarbie23]

I appreciate all you guys help....

The reason why i'm saying it's mostly my fault is because nothing happens for no reason. I must have caused it. I don't see him as a monster, but someone i love who desperatly need my help. Please help me help him find his way. I can't abandon him.

 

Yes, he has abandon me, and left me in the cold, but knowing he needs help should i still walk away??

 

You're no more to blame for his personality defects anymore than *I* am. He needs counseling. This is not something you can fix. He has to first take responsiblity for his actions and want to change before change can happen.

 

The sad fact is that most men whom treat women this way will NEVER aknowledge the hurt they cause. It's much less painful for them to transfer that blame onto others. They are often in such denial and have justified their behavior to themselves for so long that they don't even see that there is anything wrong with the way they behave at all.

 

You shouldn't walk away, you should RUN!

[DN]

The reason he won't forgive you is because he doesn't want to forgive you. While he has you asking for forgiveness he has power and control over you and he will not let that go. People who abuse others (and let's not lose sight of the fact that some women are also abusers) do it because they like the control and the power. They like the fact that their partner is afraid, cowed and will do anything to please them.

 

Anytime they can use something you do to exert that control they will - they will twist anything you do to make you in the wrong.

 

No matter what you do you can never please them - because they don't want to be pleased in that way. Their pleasure comes from abusing you and in order to do that you have to be in the wrong.

 

You are not a loving and loved partner in this relationship - you are a punching bag, emotionally or physically.

[angelgirl]

Having read all of the posts, all I can say is: "Your are asking for help but you are not listening to the advice". Sorry to be so blunt, but I think that all you want to hear is a confirmation that "it is really all your fault and that he is in the right"

 

WELL IT IS NOT. He has massive problems and he needs proffesional help. Physically abusing anyone even if it is just pushing is WRONG, physically abusing someone you love well there are no word to describe that.

 

Thankfully I haven't been in ur position but i have been in a relationship where the guy always turned things round so that whatever happened it was always my fault. At first i took it and thought that it really must have been my fault and i blamed myself for everything even when it was him who messed up but then there came a point where I had enough and started to see things clearly. I later came to realise that he was in a way mentally abusing me and making me feel guilty all the time.

 

Please try and understand that it isn't ur fault. Take a very big step back and try to see the situation from far away. Imagine that forbid god this was happening to ur best friend. He was physically abusing her, blaming for things she didn't do, cheating on her, and when she tried and do smth nice for him he was mean to her basically treating her like sh#t. Ur guiy just seems to be doing the guilt trip on u and then using thos imaginary faults of urs to treat ur badly. I know that it must be hard, he is really like a drug...really bad for u but u can't help it and want more and more.

 

Please girl, u r worth a million and don't let any guy or anyone for that matter tell u otherwise. U r too good for him anyway. I think that maybe you should talk to a counsler. too...i know it sounds weird but they do help u see the situation differntly.

 

remember that we r all here to help u and give advice but listen to what ppl r saying don't just ignore it.

 

All the best

[Hope75]

I appreciate all you guys help....

The reason why i'm saying it's mostly my fault is because nothing happens for no reason. I must have caused it. I feel as if i'm guilty of making him this way. I just want everything to be okay again. I miss my boyfriend..... I know he is stuck deep down inside somewhere. I know he isn't this cruel and cold hearted. I don't see him as a monster, but someone i love who desperatly need my help. Please help me help him find his way. I can't abandon him.

 

Yes, he has abandon me, and left me in the cold, but knowing he needs help should i still walk away??

 

It is not your fault.

 

This is something within HIM, and has nothing to do with you. A good, healthy, kind and loving partner would absolutely NEVER put his hands on his girl, no matter WHAT she said or did to him. EVER.

 

As the previous poster said, you aren't really listening to anyone's advice. What you are doing is looking for someone who will validate that it's OK what he did to you and that YOU provoked him. That is absolutely untrue.

 

My bf and I have our share of fights. I have egged him on, and pressed his buttons in the heat of the moment-- but NEVER, NOT EVER, has he laid a hand on me in an abusive way. It is absolutely inexcusable, and no matter what a person does, they NEVER deserve to be hit.

 

I don't know if you will come back and respond to your thread again because everyone is telling you the same thing, but do you suspect there is a reason for that?

 

And you have not yet answered my question. I suspect because then you may be forced to see the truth.

 

Answer me this:

 

Do you think if he loved you that he would EVER have pushed you, dragged you by the hair, and cheated on you?

Answer honestly. What would you tell a friend in this situation? Don't make excuses for his behaviour, because there are none.