Broke up after 3.5 years - UPDATE

[kdpodus]

Thanks you for all of the replies. I'm grateful that you all decided to read such a long post. Thanks. AND, I'm new to this sight, so I wasn't sure if I should've posted a reply to the original string of messages, or simply start a new thread. So, if I'm flooding the system, I apologize.

 

I sent her a very short email today telling her that I will always be there to support her if she needs it. I got no response, but then again, I didn't expect to get one. And, by the way, I'm not one of those people that floods the other with phone calls, emails, and such; if for any other reason than I simply don't have the time ). She has mentioned that every time she talks to me she feels guilty – "I feel guilty for being me," as she puts it – which concerns me. She says that's why she takes 3-4 days to return calls. Perhaps this is because I've sounded really bummed lately.

 

Since that day we talked on the phone (those of you who read my post know what I'm talking about) to totally end things, I haven't tried to contact her – except for the email I sent her today.

 

I don't think she's a coward by any means. But, I do think that she/we is/are going through many difficult things right now, and she/we might not be handling the situation as we otherwise might in a less stressful time. I just hope that she doesn't end up smoking pot like ALAN. Don't get me wrong…I've met him before and he seems to be nice guy. He's just reckless. And, it seems like his drug use is bound to get in the way of any sort of relationship they might have together. He's not just an occasional user (I know plenty of fine people that light up on occasion)…he smokes several times per week, every week. The question then becomes "pot?" or "you?" Anyway, I digress.

 

He's been telling her for months that his life was so much better when they were together, and he was happy then, and he made a mistake, etc. He also said that he was happy that she was happy, and that he would never try anything out of respect for our relationship.

 

It all sounds fine, but I think there's something else to it. It's a strong possibility that CORA might be having these feelings for ALAN in an effort to rocket her own self-esteem. But, ALAN is definitely looking for some kind of familiarity. His own discourse tells the story: "I was happy when we were together." Enough said. The agenda cannot be hidden. His motivations can be boiled down to a simple syllogism, and the hidden premise sticks out like a giraffe in a convenience store. He wants CORA to complete it for him. I'm sure he knows how much she hates to let others down (because she will feel bad if she does). Now, I could be wrong about all of this, but it seems as if he is preying on that characteristic of hers (I, too, have the characteristic).

 

Saying things like "My life was good then," etc seems like borderline manipulation and emotional abuse. He never actually says "And it would be good again if we were together," but he doesn't have to. He KNOWS that she will fill in the missing premise. And, again, maybe I'm totally off base on that, but it seems plausible nevertheless.

 

Things have been ok for me. I don't understand what she's doing right now. But, that doesn't really matter, I suppose. I just told her that I would always be there for her if she needs me and that's that. The hope is slowly fading, but I'm having trouble letting it go. Maybe this will help.

 

I took a couple of new work friends out for lunch today, and it was fun. I insisted on paying for a couple of reasons. One, I wanted to express that I'm grateful for having been able to work with such fine people, and two, it made me feel good to pay. They insisted that they pay me back, but I refused, and kept saying, "no, it's my treat, really." Maybe that's good, maybe that's bad. As of now, I don't really care.

 

Thanks all! Reply if you have time. I will peruse the board and reply to a few as well.